{"id":15023,"date":"2022-03-29T00:39:30","date_gmt":"2022-03-29T07:39:30","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/godammit.com\/?p=15023"},"modified":"2022-03-29T10:34:29","modified_gmt":"2022-03-29T17:34:29","slug":"academy-awards-2022-exegesis","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/godammit.com\/academy-awards-2022-exegesis\/","title":{"rendered":"Academy Awards 2022 Exegesis"},"content":{"rendered":"

Oh god, Will<\/strong> and Jada Smith<\/strong>, just go away. Boo hoo about Jada’s hair loss! Let her deal with osteoporosis, which I am blessed with, and my husband doesn’t need to slap anyone. Let her and her whole crazy family shut up about their personal dramas! Who gives a shit? Best performance of Toxic Masculinity by a big baby. Thank you, next.<\/p>\n

Aren’t you relived that Nicole Kidman<\/strong> didn’t win?? Her dress with that donut-peplum thing was awful, and she needs to start eating. Jessica Chastain<\/strong> seemed like a nice person, didn’t she? Her dress looked like a Disney cartoon princess, which was kind of poignant, but really the best thing about her is that her adorable nose is the result of plastic surgery.Yay! I saw the original nose somewhere on Instagram.<\/p>\n

Megan Thee Stallion<\/strong> was a “nice” surprise, just like, or rather not anything like, Liza<\/strong> Minnelli<\/strong>. All the red dresses cancelled each other out, didn’t they? The only good one was the trouser outfit worn by the joyfully queer Ariana DeBose<\/strong><\/a>. Black dresses were in short supply for some reason, but Billie Eilish<\/strong><\/a>‘s dress was a monstrosity by any standards. Good for her! She likes to get a reaction and I hope she’s satisfied with EW! and WHY??<\/p>\n

Maggie Gyllenhaal<\/strong> wore a black Schiaparelli that looked like a chest of drawers, the better to shield Jake from questions about Taylor’s scarf<\/a>.<\/p>\n

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Kristen Stewart<\/strong> was super hot in her shorts and unbuttoned shirt, let’s admit it. Her bad-girl thing is still going strong and I want it to never stop. Likewise, boy-toy Timothee<\/strong> Chalamet<\/strong> was fetching in his Luis Vuitton women’s jacket and bare chest. What a darling little person he is. I also loved Wesley Snipes in a nutty, Pimptastic satin shorts suit with matching leggings.<\/p>\n

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Best outfit for my money was a floral suit worn by Encanto<\/em> director Byron Howard<\/strong>. It was so wonderful! Where is the fuss about it??? Who made it? Can I borrow it? I’m still looking for pictures and info. Second best was an amazing dress printed with Renaissance angels, worn by Eva von Bahr<\/strong>, along with a Greek bust handbag.<\/p>\n

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WAIT, I almost forgot to mention Beyonce<\/strong>! Her musical number was a baffling Busby Berkley<\/strong><\/a> type extravaganza with a million women all wearing yellow-green dresses that did not distract from the song’s essential nothingness. I kept wondering how many starving people could have been fed with the money that went into this enterprise. Come @ me, Black women, I know it’s a racist sin to not appreciate Bey, and I’ve already heard from several irate nutcases on this subject.<\/p>\n

In fact, I’d like to see Beyonce slap Jada, or vice versa, in keeping with the new Twitter game of imagining offbeat slapping scenarios.<\/p>\n

Who would you like to see slapped, and by whom? Weigh in! And what did I leave out?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"