{"id":1580,"date":"2009-02-23T20:18:31","date_gmt":"2009-02-24T04:18:31","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.godammit.com\/?p=1580"},"modified":"2009-02-23T20:18:31","modified_gmt":"2009-02-24T04:18:31","slug":"academy-awards-2009-exigesis","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/godammit.com\/academy-awards-2009-exigesis\/","title":{"rendered":"Academy Awards 2009 Exigesis"},"content":{"rendered":"

I don’t know about you, but I loved this year’s show. It’s the first one in years that wasn’t a grim chore to sit through. Hugh “I’m not gay” Jackman<\/strong> was a delightful host, relieving one from the effort of laughing at stupid show biz wisecracks.<\/p>\n

The show’s two most dramatic moments were:<\/p>\n

1. Jennifer Aniston<\/strong> taking the stage, just a couple of feet from Brad<\/strong> and Angie<\/strong>. You could feel the tension as the possibility of humiliation loomed. It was fabulous, wasn’t it? Your own mind could furnish Jen’s thoughts, and Angie’s, too. I thought I detected a fleeting second of eye contact between Jen and Brad, but I’d need a slo-mo replay to be certain. Jen’s hair extensions were amazing, and her nose was perkier than ever. Still, even if she were stark naked, she had no hope of eclipsing the shocking, otherworldly beauty of Angelina Jolie.<\/p>\n

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2. The announcement of Sean Penn<\/strong> as best actor. I closed my eyes so I wouldn’t have to deal with the look on Mickey Rourke<\/strong>‘s face. He wanted it so badly! But everyone at my house wanted Sean Penn, and we willed it to happen. We manifested Sean Penn’s award, because we know about The Secret. Too bad for Mickey Rourke. He will have to make do with the Golden Globe and his pinkie rings, walking sticks, and dead dog pendants.<\/p>\n

Fashion is the real reason for watching the Academy awards and I personally feel I got my money’s worth. SJP<\/strong> looked like a Bad Witch even though she wore the Good Witch dress. Heidi Klum<\/strong> wore a hideous cheap-looking Roland Mouret, with gigantic crappy earrings. Halle Berry<\/strong> was missing her boobs, a tragedy that has yet to be explained. Did she give them to Salma<\/strong>??<\/p>\n

Natalie Portman<\/strong> made everyone happy, as usual, even though her head is too big for her body. She dared to wear a weird shade of pink, and for that I salute her. Tilda Swinton<\/strong> accomplished her annual goal of looking like a frumpy man.<\/p>\n

I missed Renee Zellweger<\/strong>! Was she there? Her sourpuss expression and vintage couture were sorely missed. Somewhat filling the void was Goldie Hawn<\/strong>, still convinced that she’s 16 years old.<\/p>\n

Zak Efron<\/strong> and Emile Hirsch<\/strong> looked boyishly yummy, but few of the men were impressive. Without George Clooney<\/strong> or Johnny Depp<\/strong>, there was really no one to drool over. Seal<\/strong> probably looked great, but Heidi’s trashy get-up managed to blot out everything around her.<\/p>\n

Even if you didn’t want Sean Penn to win, you can’t deny the power and sincerity of his call for equal rights for gays and lesbians. He had the guts to stand for something besides his own narcissism, god bless him.<\/p>\n

Comments or arguments, anyone?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"