{"id":3724,"date":"2009-12-23T23:44:08","date_gmt":"2009-12-24T07:44:08","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.godammit.com\/?p=3724"},"modified":"2009-12-23T23:44:08","modified_gmt":"2009-12-24T07:44:08","slug":"a-new-christmas-miracle","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/godammit.com\/a-new-christmas-miracle\/","title":{"rendered":"A New Christmas Miracle"},"content":{"rendered":"

A family member became excited by the idea of buying a turducken<\/a> for Christmas. It would only cost $100. Uh-oh, this meant trouble. Soon, the turducken plan became a massive turducken-of-contention. Voices were raised. The subject of no-money was passed back and forth with diminishing effect. Threats were exchanged and grudgingly withdrawn.<\/p>\n

The Internet decided not to work. Nothing would changed its decision. I longed for a way to release my frustration and helpless rage, so I impulsively grabbed an old Pearl Jam CD, hoping to scream ‘Why Go<\/a>‘ along with Eddie Vedder<\/strong> (who I still want to have sex with, after all these years.) But no, the CD is scratched, I knew that but I’d forgotten.<\/p>\n

Somewhere, we have a remastered version of that CD, but how would I ever find it? Since my husband is a “curator” of CD’s, there are at least 5,000 of them around the house in racks, stacks and crates. Every CD you can think of is here somewhere, but only my husband knows how they’re organized. I burst into tears of self-pity.<\/p>\n

Sobbing and limping with my cane, I tried to straighten up the mess that is my house. I started emptying the drawers of a desk that is blocking the fireplace area where we always had our Christmas tree. \u00a0 Still crying a little, I sorted through a pile of old receipts and income tax shit. \u00a0 I came upon a little tiny envelope, like the kind you get from a jeweler, and opened it.<\/p>\n

“Money!” I \u00a0 screamed in joyous surprise. My husband turned to look as I withdrew a hundred dollar bill, a ten and two fives. He came over to kiss me, and whispered, “Better keep it a secret!”<\/p>\n

As if I would use the money for a fucking turducken! No fucking way. I see an appointment with my hairdresser coming up!<\/p>\n

I have no idea where this money came from or how long it’ s been hidden away in that drawer. All I know is that it’s a true Christmas Miracle.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"