{"id":4051,"date":"2010-02-07T22:38:39","date_gmt":"2010-02-08T06:38:39","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.godammit.com\/?p=4051"},"modified":"2010-02-07T23:27:22","modified_gmt":"2010-02-08T07:27:22","slug":"forgive-me-jesus","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/godammit.com\/forgive-me-jesus\/","title":{"rendered":"Forgive Me, Jesus"},"content":{"rendered":"

I try to be a good person but why is it so hard? Today, I went to a nice Superbowl party and spent most of it in the kitchen at the host’s computer, listening to Mrs. Palin<\/strong> talkin’ about runnin’ for President.<\/p>\n

People walked past me, wondering why I was looking at Mrs. P. I explained that she is the wind beneath my wings. I knew I should have been socializing, but when I did, I made someone cry by telling her about my personal difficulties. The hostess made another fabulous nine-layer Jello<\/a> and gave me some to take home.<\/p>\n

At home, there were chores to do and messes to clean up. Instead, I went back to the computer and read more about Mrs. Palin. Why did she allow her hand<\/a> to be photographed with stupid reminders written on it? Is she really that stupid<\/span> retarded? Is it some sort of conspiracy? Is she trying to connect with her “base” by showing that she’s too gosh-darn dumb to remember her three talking points?<\/p>\n

And then, Jesus, I went to look at Mom of Shoes<\/strong>, who is boasting about her “find” on eBay: a pair of Chanel<\/strong> Ponyhair boots for $1,199 plus shipping.<\/p>\n

$\"\"$ <\/a><\/p>\n

Why, Jesus?! Why do I sully myself with the folly of others, when I shoud be looking for a job or washing the dishes? Why can’t I get my priorities straight?<\/p>\n

I’m already full of Effexor<\/strong><\/a>, so I can’t increase my dose. I think I’m looking for escape. I know I’m looking for escape. I can’t hold my liquor, so that’s out.<\/p>\n

Can I use my stress and depression as an excuse to scroll through Mom’s eBay purchases…55 in the last month alone, mostly comprised of tragically ugly animal-themed costume jewelry?<\/p>\n

Show me the way, Jesus. Give me a sign. Just don’t fuck with my Internet connectivity.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"