{"id":543,"date":"2007-10-18T15:31:55","date_gmt":"2007-10-18T23:31:55","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/godammit.com\/2007\/10\/18\/the-mammogram\/"},"modified":"2007-10-18T15:31:55","modified_gmt":"2007-10-18T23:31:55","slug":"the-mammogram","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/godammit.com\/the-mammogram\/","title":{"rendered":"The Mammogram"},"content":{"rendered":"

$\"mammogram.gif\"$ <\/a> $\"boudoir-bottle.jpg\"$ <\/a><\/p>\n

I went into a room for x-rays, and chatted with the radiologist while she adjusted my torso into impossible positions. She was a nice black woman with a slight British accent, named Ruby. She loved my handbag. She reported that she loves Vivienne Westwood\u2019s fragrance, Boudoir<\/a>, which comes in a really cool bottle. It has been discontinued, so she isn\u2019t happy. I recommended Flowerbomb, by Victor & Rolf.<\/p>\n

Ruby didn\u2019t seem to like the x-rays she took. My right boob looked different from how it looked on the x-rays I brought with me, which turned out to be from 2003. Where were the ones from 2005? I will never know, since the bitch who took them won\u2019t admit to having them.<\/p>\n

Ruby took more x-rays, and she wasn\u2019t thrilled with them, either. She told me to go into another room, to wait for an ultrasound test. There, I called my husband, to cancel our lunch date. I enjoyed getting to sound stoic on the phone, since I wasn\u2019t really worried. I am perfectly used to bad news, by now.<\/p>\n

The ultra-sound lady was a brisk little Chinese person with long black hair. I could tell she was overworked that day, but she still took her time. She didn\u2019t like what she was seeing. I asked her if it was anything weird, and she said it was probably \u2018just tissue.\u2019 I was not reassured. She was really concentrating on the screen and typing on a keyboard.<\/p>\n

She finally told me to wait on the table, while she went to consult with someone. She returned with a doctor, who looked at the screen and said, \u201cYeah, I see what you mean. I agree.\u201d She told me not to worry, it was \u2018just tissue.\u2019 I made her repeat this a few times and she ran off after telling me to come back in six months.<\/p>\n

I thanked the Chinese lady and she told me her name was Fuchsia. Wow. I exclaimed how much I loved the name, and told her about a fantastic book<\/a> whose unforgettable heroine was called Fuchsia.<\/p>\n

I waited by the elevator, where several medical-type women praised my big handbag. Walking to my car, I contemplated the odds of meeting Ruby and Fuchsia in the same office. All they needed was a Scarlett for the complete spectrum of Redness.<\/p>\n

In summation, my boobs are good for right now, but who knows. I plan to buy many more large high-end handbags with my time left on this earth, but never anything obvious and stupid like a Louis Vuitton. That is my pledge and my legacy.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"