{"id":6889,"date":"2011-01-21T00:05:41","date_gmt":"2011-01-21T08:05:41","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.godammit.com\/?p=6889"},"modified":"2011-01-21T00:05:41","modified_gmt":"2011-01-21T08:05:41","slug":"smell-the-leather","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/godammit.com\/smell-the-leather\/","title":{"rendered":"Smell the Leather"},"content":{"rendered":"

A long time ago, I wrote a story about my dad called “Smell the Leather.” \u00a0 My parents divorced when I was 3, and my dad fulfilled his fatherly obligations by taking me and my sister out on Saturday afternoons. He bought a new car every year, and on these occasions, he would drive us around, commanding in a loud voice: “Smell the leather!” He was a happy, narcissistic man who fancied himself a Rat Pack kind of guy. It was a poignant story, as I recall.<\/p>\n

Now, I have a different story but it’s still kind of the same.<\/p>\n

My dad became seriously ill in June, and in my state of traumatized shock, I went to the city where he lives and helped out. In fact, I got the hospital to admit him after they refused all appeals to do so. Anyway, I joined my 6 siblings, from three marriages, in caring for our dad, who was shockingly frail and had to have a permanent feeding tube in his stomach.<\/p>\n

Even though he’d been a terrible father, I wanted to help take care of him and make him feel surrounded by love. The doctors seemed to think he was close to dying. I slept on his couch a few times, listening to him cough all night through a baby monitor. He finally met my 17 year old son.<\/p>\n

Now, miraculously, he has improved so much that his feeding tube was removed and he can eat again. He still needs care though, so I made plans to stay with him for a few days, thinking it would be nice to escape my life at home.<\/p>\n

Then he called me. He started out complaining about this and that and then got to the point. He didn’t want me to stay with him because I “have too many problems.” He explained that it upsets him, as a father, to see one of his children so unhappy. It especially upset him to see me cry.<\/p>\n

It was a surreal conversation but there was no way out. I said, “I can try not to cry, then.” He was skeptical. I reminded him that I had experienced the worst thing that can happen to anyone. He said he understood but asked pointedly, “How long are you going to be like this? Twenty years?!” I thought about it and said, “Yes.”<\/p>\n

Trying to keep my voice even, I asked, “Well, how about if I just come visit for a few hours?” He replied: “We’ll talk.” and hung up.<\/p>\n

Hahahahahaha! People don’t change! My father was always a fucker and he still is! The fantasy of a loving father was nice for a while, but I’m over it.<\/p>\n

A rejecting father is forever, like a diamond.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"