{"id":8427,"date":"2012-01-15T23:16:01","date_gmt":"2012-01-16T07:16:01","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.godammit.com\/?p=8427"},"modified":"2012-01-16T13:03:40","modified_gmt":"2012-01-16T21:03:40","slug":"golden-globes-2012-exegesis","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/godammit.com\/golden-globes-2012-exegesis\/","title":{"rendered":"Golden Globes 2012 Exegesis"},"content":{"rendered":"

Madonna<\/strong> tried to get back at Ricky Gervaise<\/strong> for making a joke about her, because she’s too important to ridicule. She also forced us to look at her breasts, only to come in second to the magnificant rack of Selma Hyak<\/strong>.<\/p>\n

Madge’s arms were painfuly lean, as were Angie<\/strong>‘s and Michelle Pfieffer<\/strong>‘s. Kate Winslet<\/strong>‘s arms were pleasingly healthy, and her young boyfriend glowed as she gave her acceptance speech. Elton<\/strong> John<\/strong> looked furious when he lost to Madonna, Leo<\/strong> looked tired and sad all night, and it was worrisome to see Sasha Baraon Cohen<\/strong> there without Isla<\/strong>.<\/p>\n

Jessica Biel<\/strong> must be blowing some important people, because there’s no other reason for her to \u00a0present \u00a0an award. \u00a0Julianne Moore<\/strong> looked pasty but her long green earrings were fabulous. Nicole Kidman<\/strong> wore a breathtaking dress and continued the charade of being \u00a0heterosexual \u00a0and in love with that dopey country singer.<\/p>\n

Angelina<\/strong> was stunning in white silk and billowing red lips. She turned to smile at Brad<\/strong> each time someone said something “funny.” Jane Fonda<\/strong> was glowingly well-preserved and knew enough to cover her arms, but she shot some actress a death glare when the latter stepped on her gown.<\/p>\n

There were far too many mermaid dresses. Stop it, actresses! Only Beyonce<\/strong> looks good in them.<\/p>\n

Clare Dane<\/strong> was careful to highlight her flat chest, as always. We get it Clare, you like being flat.<\/p>\n

Morgan Freeman<\/strong> was eloquent and moving when he accepted his award, as was that French guy<\/strong> whose father won an award in 1965. The French guy was so moving that several actors in the audience mouthed “beautiful” with tears sparking in their eyes. Another French guy<\/strong> was sorry for being French, but no one forgave him.<\/p>\n

Michelle Williams<\/strong> looked stupid in her childish headband but was heartbreaking in her ode to her poor fatherless daughter. Kate Beckensale<\/strong> got the giggles on stage and looked as radiantly pretty as when I saw her in Sephora a few weeks ago.<\/p>\n

The Worst Dress award in my opinion goes to Piper Perabo<\/strong>, a see-through mess that bunched up in front of her crotch.<\/p>\n

If I had to find a theme for this year’s show, I would say it was all about the love between George Clooney and Brad Pitt<\/strong>, two dreamboat humanitarians who clearly relish being so much better than everyone else. When \u00a0George \u00a0comes out of the closet, the drinks are on me!<\/p>\n

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