{"id":8810,"date":"2012-06-10T23:48:12","date_gmt":"2012-06-11T07:48:12","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.godammit.com\/?p=8810"},"modified":"2012-08-16T00:18:21","modified_gmt":"2012-08-16T08:18:21","slug":"lost-earring","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/godammit.com\/lost-earring\/","title":{"rendered":"Lost Earring"},"content":{"rendered":"

Last night I realized that one of my favorite earrings is missing. It so happens that I only wear one of the earrings at a time, because Keith Richards<\/strong> is still my fashion muse<\/a>. It’s a long safety pin earring and it would look stupid to wear one in each ear.<\/p>\n

Nevertheless, I want that missing earring! Where did it go? Why is it missing? Who would take it, besides Keith Richards?<\/p>\n

I’ve looked everywhere, and I mean everywhere. It’s not with my other jewelry and it’s not in that little tray in the bathroom where I sometimes put my earrings. \u00a0When I looked in the tray for the third or fourth time, I recalled the story in The Boy Who couldn’t stop Washing<\/a><\/em> about a woman who slashed her couches in a manic search for a lost hairbrush or something. I don’t want to be her. But I feel the seeds.<\/p>\n

Saint Anthony<\/a> is the patron saint of lost things, but as we all know, he never helps. You can pray your ass off but he won’t return your lost thing. I can’t even count the socks he has failed to return.<\/p>\n

Remember when I lost my gold watch<\/a>? Still missing. I have a hunch that it was stolen by a crazy Chinese nurse, but that’s a whole story on its own. This is about the earring.<\/p>\n

I remember buying the earrings at Macy’s, where my purchase was rung up by a tired elderly black woman who was missing a critical tooth and couldn’t calculate the 20% sale discount. I bought the earrings at full price rather than give her more stress.<\/p>\n

If I practice The Secret, will my earring manifest itself? Does Saint Anthony know about The Secret?<\/p>\n

When I chose the image above from a rudimentary google search, I was startled by its projected violence. Can everyone see that he’s about to throw that baby into a river or cut it in half on that table? It’s so obvious! Maybe god told him to sacrifice the baby a la Abraham and Isaac<\/a>, or maybe Saint Anthony is just nuts.<\/p>\n

Maybe he’s nuts because he can’t find the lost things and he finally snapped, like the hairbrush lady with OCD.<\/p>\n

Questions or advice, anyone?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"