{"id":8884,"date":"2012-07-11T13:55:03","date_gmt":"2012-07-11T21:55:03","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.godammit.com\/?p=8884"},"modified":"2012-08-10T12:18:34","modified_gmt":"2012-08-10T20:18:34","slug":"the-real-truth-about-tom-and-katie","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/godammit.com\/the-real-truth-about-tom-and-katie\/","title":{"rendered":"The Real Truth About Tom and Katie"},"content":{"rendered":"

I just had an exclusive interview with myself and here’s what I learned:<\/p>\n

Everything you read about Katie and Tom<\/strong>‘s divorce is coming directly to you out of someone’s ass! That’s right, and not long ago, it came from mine, too.<\/p>\n

As a journalist for several glossy supermarket tabloids, I was able to deliver scoops about Tom and Katie’s personal lives nearly every week, simply by sitting quitely and channeling the two celebrities until I saw the exciting details in my mind’s eye.<\/p>\n

I wrote exclusive scoops about Katie’s struggle for autonomy, Tom’s obsession with Brad Pitt, Suri’s nursery, and so much more. If you were a tabloid reader, you accepted these stoires as God’s truth because otherwise it wouldn’t be printed in a magazine! If you are a tabloid reader, or a consumer of celebrity gossip on any level, you are walking around thinking you know something about Brad and Angie, Jennifer Aniston, Madonna<\/strong>, or whoever, but you’re wrong. Nobody knows anything, but we keep making it up until it is common knowledge.<\/p>\n

Whenever you see the words “According to a source,” replace them with “I am making this up.” Same with “An insider says,” “A close pal divulges,” and “A member of his\/her inner circle reports.”<\/p>\n

Of course, some of us journalists are better channelers than others. Once, when I channeled Janet Jackson<\/strong>, it made the crawl on CNN! Another time, I was able to divine what Katie gave Tom for Christmas: He had just completed work on that awful movie about the German war hero, so I thought she should get him “the complete leather-bound works of his favorite author, Goethe.”<\/em><\/p>\n

Voila! Tom got the Goethe, to the delight of my friend Wendy<\/a> and my Inner Circle. I had giddy fantasies of linking Jessica Simpson<\/strong> with Schopenhauer<\/a>. I believe I, I mean Katie, also gave Tom a custom-made iPhone with his name engraved on it. Which is still nothing compared to the custom-made Chanel evening bag I once gave to Victoria Beckham<\/strong>, I mean David gave to her of course.<\/p>\n

You can say I was a liar but you can’t fault my generosity.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"