{"id":9134,"date":"2012-11-13T04:36:03","date_gmt":"2012-11-13T12:36:03","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.godammit.com\/?p=9134"},"modified":"2012-11-13T22:55:02","modified_gmt":"2012-11-14T06:55:02","slug":"de-profundis","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/godammit.com\/de-profundis\/","title":{"rendered":"De Profundis"},"content":{"rendered":"

I’ve been meaning to read De Profundis<\/a> since I read a biography of Oscar Wilde, around 100 years ago. I know Max read De Profundis and liked it. I was disappointed, though. Oscar Wilde managed to perceive a benefit from his suffering: It would bring him humility, and a better appreciation of Christ. That’s where he lost me.<\/p>\n

I wanted to find something as dark and bleak as my own grief , something that resonates. Suicide Survivor websites talk about “Journeys,” a word that is now ruined for me. \u00a0I am not on a journey. I am already there. It’s the land of the Not Living but Not Dead. There’s an exit but I must not use it.<\/p>\n

There is a dark veil that hangs just beyond my peripheral vision but I can see it there. I have to work hard to keep it away. When it sweeps over me, I am lost. It’s just agony. I live in fear of the dark veil and I work hard to refuse its existence. \u00a0This grief cannot be borne. \u00a0It’s not possible.<\/p>\n

I stay up at night because going to bed might produce some moments of unfiltered thinking. I have to wait until I’m nearly unconscious, but I try to get to bed before six AM. \u00a0One night not long ago, it was nearly six and for a moment I felt a giddy sense of total freedom from responsibility or\u00a0repercussions: \u00a0it was the epiphany that I didn’t exist any more, so it didn’t matter. The feeling was brief but scary. I can’t even decide if it was a moment of clarity or psychosis.<\/p>\n

People who suffer from Cotard’s Syndrome<\/a> often deny that they exist or believe they are dead. “In the first stage (Germination) patients exhibit depression\u00a0and\u00a0hypochondriacal\u00a0symptoms.” Check. Jules Cotard, who first described the\u00a0condition, \u00a0“described the syndrome as having degrees of severity that range from mild to severe. \u00a0Despair and self-loathing characterize a mild state.” Okay then. A mild state is good but not as good as mental health.<\/p>\n

I have always\u00a0felt\u00a0contemptuous of women who seem to bounce back after losing a child. \u00a0I was appalled when Marie Osmond resumed her show in Las Vegas only a week after her son jumped from his 18th floor window. \u00a0Gloria\u00a0Vanderbilt,\u00a0 Judy Collins, non-celebrity mothers who write about their Journeys and even offer tips on handling intimacy with their husbands. \u00a0What propels them to go forward with their lives as if anything matters?<\/p>\n

It’s no comfort to know I wont be one of them.<\/p>\n

~<\/p>\n

image:<\/em>\u00a0The Honeymoon<\/em>, 2007 \u00a9 Cig Harvey<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"