{"id":9356,"date":"2013-02-11T02:29:32","date_gmt":"2013-02-11T10:29:32","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.godammit.com\/?p=9356"},"modified":"2013-02-11T14:40:47","modified_gmt":"2013-02-11T22:40:47","slug":"2013-grammy-awards-exegesis","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/godammit.com\/2013-grammy-awards-exegesis\/","title":{"rendered":"2013 Grammy Awards Exegesis"},"content":{"rendered":"

What a boring and lamentable gathering of untalented performers! Katy Perry<\/strong>‘s boobs were a magnificent distraction.<\/p>\n

The show’s most exciting moments were the arguments between me and my husband over Taylor Swift<\/strong>. He continues to defend her, which is obviously maddening. I was so worried that she might win the award presented by Prince<\/strong> and thus get the chance to kiss Him that I shouted out the oath: “If Taylor Swift wins this, I will stab myself in the heart!” Every time I see her I think \u00a0“STD.”<\/p>\n

The bands ‘Fun<\/strong>‘ and ‘The Lumineers<\/strong>‘ were particularly egregious. Young people, what the hell is wrong with you?!? Thank god the Black Keys<\/strong> were recognized for their work after a million years. A cute little guy called Miguel<\/strong> was a great Soul singer whose dynamic performance was spoiled by a rapper whose name I forgot. Rap isn’t music. Take it away.<\/p>\n

Frank Ocean<\/strong> glared when he didn’t win and went on to sing the worst song of the evening, something about Forrest Gump. Ellen Degeneris<\/strong> ogled Beyonce,<\/strong> while I ogled Rihanna<\/strong>, whose red lipstick was perfection. Chris Brown<\/strong> was her date, no doubt proud of himself for not slugging her.<\/p>\n

Adele<\/strong> chewed gum throughout the show and looked like a massive floral couch. I wondered what she thought of Kelly<\/strong> Clarkson<\/strong>. Jack White <\/strong>easily outclassed the homeless-looking Johnny Depp<\/strong> in a resplendent Nudie’s suit. His set was a welcome blast of real Rock music.<\/p>\n

Prince<\/strong> looked suitably mysterious and intimidating in a black hoodie and sunglasses, wisely refraining from participating in a gratingly awful version of The Weight<\/em>. Prince is nobody’s fool.<\/p>\n

In an evening of horrifying missteps, Elton John<\/strong> took the prize by giving a non sequitur shout-out to the Sandy Hook victims. What an imbecile. Mumford and Sons<\/strong> won a lot of awards and were less repugnant than Fun. Justin<\/strong> Timberlake’<\/strong>s comeback was an\u00a0over-hyped\u00a0bore but his seasoned charisma underscored how lacking it was in nearly every other ‘artist.’<\/p>\n

There it is. Remember, I did this for you<\/em>, just like Christ on the cross.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"