I fucked Tiger Woods

Tiger Woods conquests

I know it’s a big surprise, since I’m not a waitress or porn star, but nonetheless I did have an affair with Tiger Woods, just like everyone else. Having a beautiful Swedish wife is no guarantee of happiness, it can finally be revealed. Tiger promised to “wear me out,” just like he told that other tramp, but he was a little put off when I admitted that I hate golf and I never liked his stupid name.

Here are some of the questions I’ve been mulling over:

What’s the difference between a guy who loves to cheat on his wife and a Sex Addict?
Does anyone really believe in Sex Addiction? Are all compulsive behaviors “addictions” or just some of them?
Do people who trust trashy gold diggers want to be caught or are they just stupid?
Does anyone believe that the woman on the far right in the top row was really a Tiger Woods mistress?

The woman has sold her story to the Daily Mail, a ridiculous British tabloid for those who don’t know. It quotes this woman as saying something like “Tiger especially loved my red panties.” Crap like this reminds me of my own career as a highly skilled tabloid journalist. I would NEVER have expected to be paid for such a generic quote! My shit was soooo much better, even if it was something about Jessica Simpson’s penchant for french fries, a fact that I made up and later saw on every online newspaper and gossip site for days.

I shouldn’t complain about Tiger Woods, since he is a gift from god to me and all who are struggling to cope with daily existence. I bless the day he crashed his car. My hard drive died yesterday morning, and I had only the promise of Tiger Woods shit on TV to pull me through this bleak period of unconnectivity.

Thank you Tiger, and all you dumb trashy whores!

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25 Responses to I fucked Tiger Woods

  1. Juri says:

    I’ve probably fucked him too. I can’t, of course, remember or know that for sure but since practically everyone else seems to have had a fling with him, I’ve probably been there too during one of his visits to Sweden.

    Knowing that there is an “addiction” or “disorder” label there to cover every major and minor fuck-up I’ll ever make is so liberating. Admitting I’m an irresponsible cunt is so some-previous-decade, and who needs Jesus when you can put to blame for your behaviour on some addiction with a catchy name.

  2. sarah.p says:

    Yeah, well I fucked Elin.

  3. WCGB says:

    Great questions. Call me naive, but the cheating seems so immature to me…the marital form of teenage rebellion. Then with the layer of stupid on it…ugh. Lack of self-control shouldn’t be sanitized with addiction-speak. There probably are some true sex addicts out there, but Tiger isn’t one of them.

    Ah, being judgmental makes me feel so much better! Thanks Tiger, the sluts, and Sister Wolf! And Tiger…no more Ambien!

  4. annemarie says:

    Hahahaha! This post must be included in the Sister Wolf “Greatest Hits” collection.

  5. Deni says:

    Yes, it is better to hear about a philandering sports hero’s descent into buying western BS lifestyle rather than hearing about the unemployed/war/poverty/homelessness/etc . . . it’s so much more sleaze-glamor that we clamor for than the sad state of the world. Yes, even our sports idols (not mine) fall from grace and distract us from the rest of the nameless/faceless/medialess fallen.
    P.S. I have pictures of Tiger with my cat . . . he just can’t resist a cute little pussy, can he?

  6. sarah.p says:

    Deni, I have as good a sense of humour as the next woman, but I find your comment needlessly offensive.

    Golf? A SPORT?!

  7. Jill says:

    The Main Man just called to tell me…Tiger likes Ambien sex. WTF?! Doesn’t that defeat the purpose. I’m sooo confused!

  8. Braindance says:

    Or as my friend and I like to call him, Todger Woods

    Poor guy, must be so hard (geddit?, sorry) having a billion $ in the bank and two healthy children. If that was me, I would also look for solace in the world of big boobies and hairspray

  9. WendyB says:

    Did he and any of the ladies read Goethe to each other? Because that’s what I like to do in bed.

  10. Are whores like cockroaches, where for every one you can see there are 10 more hiding in the walls? Because if so, Tiger’s numbers are pretty staggering.

  11. Deni says:

    sarah.p, in my haste to write hurriedly and sneakily from work, I did make an offensive remark proclaiming golf as a sport. . . . . my bad!

    Iheartfashion the imagery of your comment is so horrific (I can see teeny, tiny, skimpily dressed, overly made-up, high heeled little [sans shaved legs] women scampering (in every direction) in Tiger’s kitchen when the lights are out, while his wife and children sleep). What macabre and yet funny imagery.

  12. Yeah I did Tiger whilst eating French Fries – truly the fries were preferable to his shouts of ‘hole in one’ or ‘I’m going for the hard iron baby.’

    I’m the one on the top right!

  13. Iron Chic says:

    He loves to cheat because he is a stunted man-baby with Daddy issues.
    His wife probably wasn’t into ambien-haze fuck sessions because she was too busy taking care of the kids he helped bring into this world.
    What a stupid, selfish loser.
    And he has absolutely NO sex appeal whatsoever.
    Sister Wolf, have you seen Dr. Drew’s Sex Rehab?
    I’m “addicted” to that show.

  14. TheShoeGirl says:

    One of these things is not like the other…

  15. dust says:

    I’d say he wanted to be caught, but he had no brain capacity to be conscious about it, or to control it. Testosterone madness, blindness, call it what you want. I always imagine those types need a mirror in front of them whilst doing it, in a ” look at me, I’m a God’s bat..” kinda way.

  16. reddoorread says:

    i feel i need to preface this comment with: i haven’t farked tiger woods.

    i have been absent from blog land lately and have just been catching up on your blog. i hope you and your son are feeling good and if i was a fairy, or god, or something – i’d grant you a few christmas wishes.

  17. Alicia says:

    So did I. And so did my co-worker Ed. I’ve decided to keep mum about it, but I think he’s going to the press soon.

  18. Mark says:

    godammit.com is my primary news source.

  19. Aja says:

    I can’t help but to feel like this media shitstorm wouldn’t have occured if every now and then he took a moment to wipe that self satisfied shit eating grin off his face. It sucks to fall from grace, but when your head is promptly wedged up your own ass, the world rejoices in a sick way.

  20. Sister Wolf says:

    Juri – I’m addicted to being unemployed. And I KNEW you fucked him!

    sarah.p – Now you’re talking!

    WCGB – The good lord (or someone) gave us the ability to render judgments, so let us exercise it.

    annemarie – but it was a no-brainer!

    Deni – If I want to see poverty I can look in the mirror.

    sarah.p – HA, as if.

    Jill- ME TOO! Why does he need to be sleepy??

    Braindance – and icky text messages?

    WendyB- Goethe is a real turn on.

    Ihearfashion – HAHAHAHAHA!

    Deni – Call the whore exterminator!

    Make DO- My stomach hurts from laughing.

    Iron CHic – I watched an episode and LOVED IT. The hair extensions alone make it fascinating.

    theSHoeGIrl – Hahahahahahaha!

    dust – He will be sobbing about himself on Oprah, wait and see.

    reddoorread – You ARE a fairy and a god, xo

    Alicia – Ed has always been a blabber mouth, right?

    Mark – Fair and balanced.

    Aja – I agree. But I wonder if his male fans are secretly admiring him for being a stud.

  21. Sil says:

    Dear Sister Wolf,

    Stop wondering if his male fans are secretly admiring him for being a stud. Of course they are.
    I can only admire the women with such an iron stomach that allows them to fuck with this one. I have seen drains with more sex appeal, but of course they don´t have millions.

  22. hammie says:

    Define Mistress. I mean – isnt he just fucking around? xx

  23. Moda says:

    Look, Tiger & I did it in the woods. Anyway, I am Spartacus!

  24. shlavens says:

    Along the lines of this post,
    a great new Tiger Woods song/video to check out:

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