A Horror Story For The Age Of Trump

horror story for the age of trump

In North Carolina last week, an 18 year old boy chopped off his mom’s head and then called 911.

I read an account of the incident and listened to a excerpt of the 911 call, which actually lasted for 16 minutes. You can hear the boy tell the stunned operator that he killed his mom, because he “felt like it.” The kid has a deep voice, with no affect. The operator asks some questions and the boy answers obediently.

There are two young children in the house, and the 911 operator is concerned about their safety. The caller assures him that he won’t hurt the kids, for just a moment exhibiting a flash of normal emotion, like, Hey, I’d never hurt them, are you nuts?

I can’t imagine why it took so long for the cops to arrive but I was pleased to find audio of the entire call.  That’s how I am when I read about something horrible. I need to know everything.

It’s no surprise that the boy, Oliver Funes Machado, had been in a mental hospital for psychotic behavior. Four medications prescribed to him were found inside the house. But friends and family noted that Oliver had been a normal child, until the last few years, when he started to isolate himself.

Oliver’s mom Yesinia was 35 years old, so she had him when she was only 17. She went on to have 3 more children, and to gain a reputation in her community as a kind, happy person who loved to sing.

Poor Yesenia! All those years as a mother, only to have her head chopped off with a butcher knife. I would not find it unusual to learn that her teenage son loved her very much. All that stabbing and mutilating is probably just the flip side of a child’s love when they become psychotic.

Remember that Virginia State senator whose son tried to kill him before shooting himself? They were very close, unusually close. You don’t always hurt the one you love, but when you’re crazy you do. 29 per cent of family homicides involve a killer who is mentally ill.

Oliver has had his first court appearance, his feet chained together and his face blank. His hands look like a baby’s. Who will care about him?

I’ll tell you who: Right wing Trump supporters, who are blaming Obama because Oliver is an illegal immigrant from Honduras. To read their comments on this story is to confirm everything you think about Trump’s “base.” All they see is a brown-skinned young man who should never have been allowed to cross our sacred border! Fox news used this headline for the story:

Illegal immigrant accused of beheading his mom gives chilling 911 call

Immigration and Customs Enforcement officials told Fox that they have issued a detaining order for Oliver, who has been charged with first degree murder. Meanwhile, his next court appearance will be on Thursday.

This is a family tragedy of the highest order, one of the worst things you can imagine. I can envision being the son, the mother, the grieving father and the two young siblings. Because that’s how I am.

But I can’t imagine finding any meaning in the fact that the kid is here illegally. That’s beyond my powers of empathy. Let’s get everyone properly diagnosed and then put on the right meds, including those people who voted for Trump.


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Guess How Much For These Jeans!

guess how muchObviously they are very special.

You want to feel special? Be prepared to pay for it. Especially when it comes to denim. There are fifty thousand brands of denim to choose from, and the “cult” brands are changing every minute. You want to express your status to other status-obsessed losers so you need to look around before you invest.

The shredding alone tells you that these jeans are special. It is clearly the work of teething babies and rabid squirrels. You let them chew for a scientifically calibrated amount of time to get this effect, then you  smack them away, so it’s very labor-intensive.

Then, there’s the exposed zipper with the big ring-pull. How cool is that? Not to mention the long rope belt, which you can use to strangle yourself if no one reacts to your denim savvy. Before you take that option though, make sure to point out that these jeans are actually repurposed Levi’s.

Isn’t that incredible!  They took some innocent Levi’s and turned them into arty street-wear that broadcasts your exquisite disregard for fit and function.

Here’s the rear view:

guess how much for these jeansNow you see where the money went!

Before you guess the price, let me reveal the brand: Off-White c/o Virgil Abloh.

Virgil Abloh wears many hats: Kanye West’s creative director, in-demand DJ, blockbuster-show producer, and most recently, designer for a line of streetwear that launched in 2013. Mixing provocatively printed T-shirts with athletic hoodies and oversized flannel shirts, OFF-WHITE c/o VIRGIL ABLOH is setting new standards in urban apparel.

Okay, take a guess.
















$1,075 (and sold out in size 24)

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The Trump Regime: Casting The Movie

After Kellyanne Conway flashed members of the Black Caucus in the Oval Office, it became clear that only Sharon Stone is qualified to portray her in the movie.

The movie will actually be a 6 episode series on Netflix, with Pee Wee Herman as Reince Priebus and Ellen DeGeneris as Mike Pence. Paris Hilton will co-star as Ivanka, with Adam Levine as Jared “but he’s Jewish!” Kushner.

Lyle Lovett will play Paul Ryan, with the great Orson Wells as Steve Bannon. I know Orson Wells is dead, okay, I’m not an idiot. I’m just saying, dig him up, brush him off just a tiny bit, and voila, a rotting Bannon!

Mickey Rourke stars as The Donald, and has agreed to put on 300 pounds for the role. In her first dramatic role, Caitlyn Jenner will play Melania “not a hooker” Trump.

Racist liar Jeff Sessions has not been cast yet, and all I  can think of when I see his face is the Gerber Baby.

trump regime casting the movieCan you help cast Sessions and the rest of these fuckers, I mean characters?


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Warren Beatty: What a Fucking Cunt!™

warren betty what a fucking cunt

This is my annual Academy Awards Exegesis but I can’t let Warren Beatty get away with his behavior. Good for him for being a hall of fame loverboy, he is not a gentleman. He handed that card to poor Faye like, “You do it, I’m not taking the blame.” Almost on a par with Winston yelling “Do it to Julia!

Man up, Warren, you fucking cunt. And then, after the mistake is revealed, he insists on taking up time to grab the mic and explain that it wasn’t his fault.  What vanity, even in Hollywood. Awful.

Okay, let’s do celebrity fashion and get the hell out of here.

Best dressed was Ruth Negga, stunning in bright red lace.

warren beatty what a fucking cunt!

Most hideous dress, a tie between Scarlett Johansson and Charlize Theron. What’s wrong with them? Is Scarlett still trying to live down her sexpot image? Done deal, Scarlett, we see that you can look unattractive! Stop it already. And Charlize, stop buying up the black babies and look in the mirror. Come out of the closet or don’t, but face the fact that the days when you could wear just anything are long gone.

Brie Larson looked like a John Singer Sargent painting, so I’m giving her second place after Ruth.

warren beatty what a fucking cunt

Dakota Johnson looked awful, but her penance for those Shades of Black movies will never be over. Meryl Streep showed Chanel that Karl can go fuck himself, she will wear pants under her dress. Team Meryl all the way.

Way too many actresses wore gold column dresses, so they canceled each other out. Judd Apatow’s wife whatsername wore a welcome Pop of Color but looked like she was trying out for a Disney cartoon. Karlie Kloss wore an awful white shroud and Salma stuffed her boobs into a dated black beaded thing. Halle Berry wore a ridiculous wig that fooled no one on Black Twitter.

Now let’s do the men.

Ryan Gosling, please, please have sex with me. Please.

Dwayne Johnson and Samuel Jackson wore blue velvet jackets, I guess it’s a pimp look and if so, nice  y! Tarell Alvin McCraney looked gorgeous in a white tux and is my choice for second place. Casey Affleck needs to wash his hair.  Dev Patel‘s hair looked clean and fresh. People were hoping that Dev would make out with Andrew Garfield but that’s just mean.

warren beatty what a fucking cunt

Justin Timberlake always looks nice in Tom Ford, but the question remains, Why did he marry that awful Jessica Biel???

That’s it, it’s been a long day. I went to my eye doctor today, long story for another time, but while reviewing the Oscars with me, he noted, “Faye Dunaway is one of my patients, so I know she had no trouble reading!”

Wow, right?

Okay, let me know if I left out anything important.


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Dear Donald™

dear donald

If you’re anything like me, your consciousness has been co-opted by Donald Trump, with all the attendant fear, dread and hatred associated with his rise to power. It’s hard to focus on other things.  It’s draining and exhausting.

So maybe it would help to express our feelings in one burst daily*, instead of letting the rage contaminate the rest of our brains. I’ll start, by addressing him directly.

Dear Donald,

Why can’t you die, you stupid motherfucker? I can’t stand to see your face or hear your voice, and by “can’t stand” I mean it is fucking up my entire organism. I hate you with the power of a trillion suns. You are the stupidest man on earth. You have made me use the term Piece of Shit when it wasn’t even in my lexicon or whatever it’s called.

You are too stupid to live. I would give my life to undo your existence. Speaking poetically by the way, since I am not armed! Still, you have made me a patriot. It’s unbearable to have such a vulgar lowlife cunt pretending to be a President. Please take your awful family and go to a distant planet where you can make those hand gestures all day long without making me sick.

I hate you, you fat stupid pig.

Love, Sister Wolf

You know what, that felt pretty good!

I invite you to share your own letters to Donald. I’m looking forward to some bracing, heartfelt invective, as long or short as you wish.

*This is a public service and collaborative literary project.

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Hookers, Sluts, Sex-Workers, Feminists or First Ladies?

hookers sluts

Okay, this is a complicated story and I’m pretty stoned. But stick with me.

There’s a model/actress named Emily Something who is mostly known for her large breasts. I almost wrote “big tits” but stopped myself. Anyway, she was at some celebrity event where she was seated next to a New York Times reporter.

The reporter made a comment about Melania Trump, referring to her as a “hooker.”

So the Emily girl goes to Twitter and scolds the reporter for the sexist comment, tweeting:

Sat next to a journalist from the NYT last night who told me ‘Melania is a hooker.’ Whatever your politics it’s crucial to call this out for what it is: slut shaming. I don’t care about her nudes or sexual history and no one should.

followed by

Gender specific attacks are disgusting sexist bullshit.


Melania Trump heard about Emily defending her, and used her FLOTUS account to tweet her thanks:

Applause to all women around the world who speak up, stand up and support other women! @emrata

Wow, Melania is woman, hear her roar!

Then, Emily retweets a person who also defends Melania’s honor with the following lecture:

and Emily adds, “Bravo!”

Okay. So, on the one hand, Emily is all “How dare you call Melania a hooker!” and on the other hand, salutes the notion that being a hooker is a personal, valid choice. I don’t think we can trust this Emily.

Emily has those large breasts and she will get them out at the drop of a hat. She writes essays about how she and Kim Kardashian are being feminist when they show their huge tits, I mean bosoms. Emily wants to get your attention and then scold you while lording it over you. Her tits are everywhere. I don’t know how we could possibly satisfy her need to get them out. Maybe she could become a wet nurse. It’s a valid choice!

Meanwhile, Emily is threatening to sue a photographer who took a million nude pictures of her five years ago before she knew she was going to be a feminist. So she’s really mad. She doesn’t look mad in the photos but that was then.

Leaving Emily’s tits for just a moment, if we may, and getting back to the poor reporter, he has apologized profusely for his unseemly comment, and The New York Times has issued an apology for him as well.

The reporter happens to be the son of Carl Bernstein, one of the two guys who broke the Watergate story.

To sum up, we have a validly slutty model/actress who shamed a reporter for suggesting that the First Lady is a hooker even though Bravo for Hookers; and The New York Times has to apologize, even though the Washington Post didn’t have to apologize when his dad broke the Watergate story.

Or: Tits + Hooker – Sex Worker + Twitter x Shaming -Reporters = FLOTUS -Watergate.

Thoughts or explanations?

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Grammys 2017 Exegesis

grammys 2017 exegesis

The real story is Adele vs Beyonce but first let’s get the other stuff out of the way for those who missed the show.

Chance the Rapper won Best New Artist and he seems well-loved by everyone. I don’t get him, but he loves the Lord, like A LOT.

Ed Sheeran is a mess. He’s got to go away and rethink his career. His song that goes something about “your body, your body” is more upsetting even than Your Body Is A Wonderland. Leave the body alone, you guys.

Alicia Keys sported a glorious huge fluffy Afro but did a duet with some lame pseudo-Country girl who wore a cape over a leotard like circus ring leader.

Keith Urban provided a bathroom break for me and my peers.

Michael Jackson’s daughter was so pretty and nervous. Props to her for being able to function at all.  She tried to get political, as did Katy Perry, who is now blonde. Katy’s tits were outstanding and looked as good as new!

The Weekend sang a dumb ballad about making someone come. Look, The Weekend and Ed Sheeran, I hate to break it to you but we ladies expect to come or you’re gonna die trying, okay? Don’t act like you deserve an award for being into it.

Lady Gaga joined Metallica, morphing into a head-banger and annoying both James Hetfield and the drummer.

Then there was a Bee Gees tribute that was truly appalling even by Grammy standards. Demi Lovato left rehab for this travesty, joining Tory Kelly to screech along with some old white guy while the only living Bee Gee mouthed the words from the audience.

Morris Day and The Time tore it up with their Prince tribute. Bruno Mars gave his all to Let’s Go Crazy but he reaffirmed the sad fact that the likes of Prince will never be equaled in this world or any other. Bruno, you’re a hottie and we love you for trying.

grammys 2017 exegesis

Now, Beyonce.

What can one say that won’t get one killed? She appeared briefly in near nakedness, then reappeared in a gossamer gown that accentuated her pregnancy. She portrayed Mother Earth, a Fertility Goddess, the Universal Daughter and the Patron Saint of little girls, while performing a poetry-slam and sitting on a throne as though ready to push those twins out before our dazzled eyes.

I haven’t seen a human being so in love with their own self since the advent of Madonna. The camera lingered on her husband and child, to complete the holy trinity. It was a jaw-dropping exercise in self-importance, but if it works for you, good.

Adele sang a heartfelt tribute to George Michael, with customary grace and conviction.  The standing ovation made her eyes tear up. Even Riri was moved. But when Adele won her first award of the night, Beyonce must’ve been rattled.

When Adele beat out Beyonce for Album of the Year, it was a shocker. How dare she steal this from Bey, who’s been lauded all year for Lemonade, and for being a game changer as a black role model. It was supposed to be Bey’s night! She came to be worshiped, not to lose.

But then! Adele said that the award belonged to Beyonce, calling her ‘the artist of my life,’ and an inspiration for 17 years. She spoke directly to Bey in the front row, and in the end, Beyonce was free to cry, whether from disappointment or gratitude we’ll never know. Beyonce mouthed “I love you, I love you!” to Adele, who later broke the award in half.

What a moment. But Adele made the mistake of saying how much Bey’s album had empowered her “black friends,” so now Black Twitter is offended. Why is it racist for Adele to win and to know she’s not black?

Never mind, don’t tell me, I don’t want to know. Let us just be thankful that we were spared the horror of Taylor Swift, and that’s something we call all feel good about.


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Why Isn’t The Vetements Joke Over Yet?

First of all, Vetements is pronounced vet-MAHN. Look at a mirror while saying it. Do you feel embarrassed, or at least tainted? Good.

If you don’t know about Vetements, you are free to go. Run along, and keep your innocence.

Still here? Okay. Remember when you were amused and startled by the outlandishly oversized hoodies and jackets by the new brand that seemed to be mentioned everywhere? You noticed that it was the streetwear brand of all the cool it-people, even Rihanna. The silhouette was easy to spot: it was absurd, like that David Byrne jacket.

Then you saw the prices and the joke got better. The price to look absurd was astronomical, ensuring that only the coolest it-people could wear it and signify to each other that they were in on it. Ha Ha, we love looking stupid if it means regular people cant’s afford to!

Now there are a bunch of copy-cat brands flogging the same gigantic esthetic and they are pricey too, because, why not?

I called my husband over to look at this Vetements T shirt selling for $395.

It’s a collaboration with Hanes, which sells a 3-pack of white t shirts in size 4XL for $14.00.

He got that the t shirt was a stupid in-joke, but was not thrilled by my counter-joke of just using a marker to write STAFF on a regular T. Only Vetements prople would get the joke, he pointed out.

Well, I still like that idea. I’d get it! I may be too lazy to execute it, though. Meanwhile, Vetements has collaborated with Juicy Couture to make those velour sweats, only priced at a zillion dollars.

There is an intrinsic value in the avant garde. But once the point is made, we have to move on. When something becomes a parody of itself, the art aspect is over. Tell that to fans of Rick Owens, though. They’re still drooling over that black saggy funeral fashion he keeps churning out, and every single fashion person asked about their style has to name Rick Owens as one of their go-to designers. Especially in New York; it’s the law there to worship Rick Owens.

Here’s an up and coming brand, Martine Rose.

is the vetements joke over yetThis shirt is $635, but the rear-view is where the money went, in my opinion.

is the vetements joke over yetImagine walking into a room wearing this. How chic! You could pretend you’re Alice in Wonderland and you just swallowed the Drink-Me that shrunk you!

Conspicuous  Consumption is still in play, maybe more than ever before, even among those who think they’re disdaining the practice by wearing stupid overpriced street fashion.

The Huge Clothes joke is over, rich people! Get ready for the next trend, teeny tiny clothes that look like they’re about to burst. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Posted in Fashion, irritants | Tagged , , | 4 Comments

Don’t Damage Melania’s Brand, Or Else!

dont damage melania's reputationIn Melania Trumps renewed lawsuit against the Daily Mail for suggesting she once worked as an escort, she claims that her “brand” has been damaged, losing significant value. The economic damage is estimated at multiple millions of dollars.

Poor Melania. Don’t assume she’s a whore just because she’s whore-ish!

It’s not that she cares about her reputation, though; it’s the money. SHOW HER THE MONEY!

The new case, filed on Monday, states that Mrs. Trump:

had the unique, once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, as an extremely famous and well-known person, as well as a former professional model, brand spokesperson and successful businesswoman, to launch a broad-based commercial brand in multiple product categories, each of which could have garnered multimillion-dollar business relationships for a multi-year term during which Plaintiff is one of the most photographed women in the world.

The products categories could have included apparel, accessories, jewelry, cosmetics, hair care and fragrance, among others.

Christ, why stop there? What about Melania dolls and dream-houses? What about Melania Schools of Nude Modeling? Or Melania Waxing Spas and Melania diction courses?

But wait.

Melania’s lawyer, Charles Harder, and a White House spokeswoman – in identically worded statements – both denied that Melania intends to profit while in her current position. This despite language used in the suit to imply she would be reaping millions in endorsement money while her husband is in office.

The first lady has no intention of using her position for profit and will not do so. Any statements to the contrary are being misinterpreted.

What? Make up your minds, you lying liars!

Those of you who were starting to feel sorry for Melania, viewing her as an unwilling captive in a bad marriage, wise up. Naturally, we are upset that any woman has to submit to that grotesque, reprehensible cunt.

But she’s an adult white woman with lawyers, and while she is no rocket surgeon, she can obviously recognize a front door.

Don’t cry for Melania. Save your tears for immigrants, American school children, the environment, healthcare, and the billions of pussies who don’t want to be grabbed or even photographed for the prurient interest of elderly wankers like her husband.

I’m siding with the Daily Mail, a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity since in all other circumstances I despise them.


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Good, Bad, And Ugly: Weekend Report

good ba d and nugle weekend

I am so happy to be contributing to the MIISTA Blog!  They are a great a company whose shoes and values I fully endorse. Go and see. I have written about men in dresses, social media hate mobs, and that venomous piece of shit Donald Trump.

I am not happy to all of a sudden find I have carpal tunnel syndrome. What the fuck?! I don’t want or need new problems. There should be a limit. Last time I went to my doctor, she gave me a print-out that included a part called Current Problems. It was a list of 16 things, starting with Depression and ending with “Marijuana use.” EXCUSE ME, but marijuana use isn’t a problem so make that 15 things please.

Now for ugly, did you know that blogger and influencer Sea of Shoes is getting married?!? That’s right, she is all grown up and ready to tie the knot with some older metrosexual food blogger! It’s sure to be a festive occasion filled with Dallas socialites and the elite intelligentsia who once showered me with comments about the state of my vagina!

I look forward to covering the event to the best of my abilities, even though the bride to be blocked me on Twitter for correcting her grammar. But I understand. I have to block Nazis and republicans all the time.

Speaking of Twitter, here is my favorite user, who sparks joy like Marie Kondo has probably never experienced.

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