Dear Donald™

dear donald

If you’re anything like me, your consciousness has been co-opted by Donald Trump, with all the attendant fear, dread and hatred associated with his rise to power. It’s hard to focus on other things.  It’s draining and exhausting.

So maybe it would help to express our feelings in one burst daily*, instead of letting the rage contaminate the rest of our brains. I’ll start, by addressing him directly.

Dear Donald,

Why can’t you die, you stupid motherfucker? I can’t stand to see your face or hear your voice, and by “can’t stand” I mean it is fucking up my entire organism. I hate you with the power of a trillion suns. You are the stupidest man on earth. You have made me use the term Piece of Shit when it wasn’t even in my lexicon or whatever it’s called.

You are too stupid to live. I would give my life to undo your existence. Speaking poetically by the way, since I am not armed! Still, you have made me a patriot. It’s unbearable to have such a vulgar lowlife cunt pretending to be a President. Please take your awful family and go to a distant planet where you can make those hand gestures all day long without making me sick.

I hate you, you fat stupid pig.

Love, Sister Wolf

You know what, that felt pretty good!

I invite you to share your own letters to Donald. I’m looking forward to some bracing, heartfelt invective, as long or short as you wish.

*This is a public service and collaborative literary project.

Posted in Horrible Stuff, Rants, Words | Tagged , , | 15 Comments

Hookers, Sluts, Sex-Workers, Feminists or First Ladies?

hookers sluts

Okay, this is a complicated story and I’m pretty stoned. But stick with me.

There’s a model/actress named Emily Something who is mostly known for her large breasts. I almost wrote “big tits” but stopped myself. Anyway, she was at some celebrity event where she was seated next to a New York Times reporter.

The reporter made a comment about Melania Trump, referring to her as a “hooker.”

So the Emily girl goes to Twitter and scolds the reporter for the sexist comment, tweeting:

Sat next to a journalist from the NYT last night who told me ‘Melania is a hooker.’ Whatever your politics it’s crucial to call this out for what it is: slut shaming. I don’t care about her nudes or sexual history and no one should.

followed by

Gender specific attacks are disgusting sexist bullshit.

(sniff.)

Melania Trump heard about Emily defending her, and used her FLOTUS account to tweet her thanks:

Applause to all women around the world who speak up, stand up and support other women! @emrata

Wow, Melania is woman, hear her roar!

Then, Emily retweets a person who also defends Melania’s honor with the following lecture:

and Emily adds, “Bravo!”

Okay. So, on the one hand, Emily is all “How dare you call Melania a hooker!” and on the other hand, salutes the notion that being a hooker is a personal, valid choice. I don’t think we can trust this Emily.

Emily has those large breasts and she will get them out at the drop of a hat. She writes essays about how she and Kim Kardashian are being feminist when they show their huge tits, I mean bosoms. Emily wants to get your attention and then scold you while lording it over you. Her tits are everywhere. I don’t know how we could possibly satisfy her need to get them out. Maybe she could become a wet nurse. It’s a valid choice!

Meanwhile, Emily is threatening to sue a photographer who took a million nude pictures of her five years ago before she knew she was going to be a feminist. So she’s really mad. She doesn’t look mad in the photos but that was then.

Leaving Emily’s tits for just a moment, if we may, and getting back to the poor reporter, he has apologized profusely for his unseemly comment, and The New York Times has issued an apology for him as well.

The reporter happens to be the son of Carl Bernstein, one of the two guys who broke the Watergate story.

To sum up, we have a validly slutty model/actress who shamed a reporter for suggesting that the First Lady is a hooker even though Bravo for Hookers; and The New York Times has to apologize, even though the Washington Post didn’t have to apologize when his dad broke the Watergate story.

Or: Tits + Hooker – Sex Worker + Twitter x Shaming -Reporters = FLOTUS -Watergate.

Thoughts or explanations?

Posted in Celebrities, irritants, News, Rants, Words | Tagged , , , | 4 Comments

Grammys 2017 Exegesis

grammys 2017 exegesis

The real story is Adele vs Beyonce but first let’s get the other stuff out of the way for those who missed the show.

Chance the Rapper won Best New Artist and he seems well-loved by everyone. I don’t get him, but he loves the Lord, like A LOT.

Ed Sheeran is a mess. He’s got to go away and rethink his career. His song that goes something about “your body, your body” is more upsetting even than Your Body Is A Wonderland. Leave the body alone, you guys.

Alicia Keys sported a glorious huge fluffy Afro but did a duet with some lame pseudo-Country girl who wore a cape over a leotard like circus ring leader.

Keith Urban provided a bathroom break for me and my peers.

Michael Jackson’s daughter was so pretty and nervous. Props to her for being able to function at all.  She tried to get political, as did Katy Perry, who is now blonde. Katy’s tits were outstanding and looked as good as new!

The Weekend sang a dumb ballad about making someone come. Look, The Weekend and Ed Sheeran, I hate to break it to you but we ladies expect to come or you’re gonna die trying, okay? Don’t act like you deserve an award for being into it.

Lady Gaga joined Metallica, morphing into a head-banger and annoying both James Hetfield and the drummer.

Then there was a Bee Gees tribute that was truly appalling even by Grammy standards. Demi Lovato left rehab for this travesty, joining Tory Kelly to screech along with some old white guy while the only living Bee Gee mouthed the words from the audience.

Morris Day and The Time tore it up with their Prince tribute. Bruno Mars gave his all to Let’s Go Crazy but he reaffirmed the sad fact that the likes of Prince will never be equaled in this world or any other. Bruno, you’re a hottie and we love you for trying.

grammys 2017 exegesis

Now, Beyonce.

What can one say that won’t get one killed? She appeared briefly in near nakedness, then reappeared in a gossamer gown that accentuated her pregnancy. She portrayed Mother Earth, a Fertility Goddess, the Universal Daughter and the Patron Saint of little girls, while performing a poetry-slam and sitting on a throne as though ready to push those twins out before our dazzled eyes.

I haven’t seen a human being so in love with their own self since the advent of Madonna. The camera lingered on her husband and child, to complete the holy trinity. It was a jaw-dropping exercise in self-importance, but if it works for you, good.

Adele sang a heartfelt tribute to George Michael, with customary grace and conviction.  The standing ovation made her eyes tear up. Even Riri was moved. But when Adele won her first award of the night, Beyonce must’ve been rattled.

When Adele beat out Beyonce for Album of the Year, it was a shocker. How dare she steal this from Bey, who’s been lauded all year for Lemonade, and for being a game changer as a black role model. It was supposed to be Bey’s night! She came to be worshiped, not to lose.

But then! Adele said that the award belonged to Beyonce, calling her ‘the artist of my life,’ and an inspiration for 17 years. She spoke directly to Bey in the front row, and in the end, Beyonce was free to cry, whether from disappointment or gratitude we’ll never know. Beyonce mouthed “I love you, I love you!” to Adele, who later broke the award in half.

What a moment. But Adele made the mistake of saying how much Bey’s album had empowered her “black friends,” so now Black Twitter is offended. Why is it racist for Adele to win and to know she’s not black?

Never mind, don’t tell me, I don’t want to know. Let us just be thankful that we were spared the horror of Taylor Swift, and that’s something we call all feel good about.

 

Posted in Celebrities, News | Tagged , , , | 8 Comments

Why Isn’t The Vetements Joke Over Yet?

First of all, Vetements is pronounced vet-MAHN. Look at a mirror while saying it. Do you feel embarrassed, or at least tainted? Good.

If you don’t know about Vetements, you are free to go. Run along, and keep your innocence.

Still here? Okay. Remember when you were amused and startled by the outlandishly oversized hoodies and jackets by the new brand that seemed to be mentioned everywhere? You noticed that it was the streetwear brand of all the cool it-people, even Rihanna. The silhouette was easy to spot: it was absurd, like that David Byrne jacket.

Then you saw the prices and the joke got better. The price to look absurd was astronomical, ensuring that only the coolest it-people could wear it and signify to each other that they were in on it. Ha Ha, we love looking stupid if it means regular people cant’s afford to!

Now there are a bunch of copy-cat brands flogging the same gigantic esthetic and they are pricey too, because, why not?

I called my husband over to look at this Vetements T shirt selling for $395.

It’s a collaboration with Hanes, which sells a 3-pack of white t shirts in size 4XL for $14.00.

He got that the t shirt was a stupid in-joke, but was not thrilled by my counter-joke of just using a marker to write STAFF on a regular T. Only Vetements prople would get the joke, he pointed out.

Well, I still like that idea. I’d get it! I may be too lazy to execute it, though. Meanwhile, Vetements has collaborated with Juicy Couture to make those velour sweats, only priced at a zillion dollars.

There is an intrinsic value in the avant garde. But once the point is made, we have to move on. When something becomes a parody of itself, the art aspect is over. Tell that to fans of Rick Owens, though. They’re still drooling over that black saggy funeral fashion he keeps churning out, and every single fashion person asked about their style has to name Rick Owens as one of their go-to designers. Especially in New York; it’s the law there to worship Rick Owens.

Here’s an up and coming brand, Martine Rose.

is the vetements joke over yetThis shirt is $635, but the rear-view is where the money went, in my opinion.

is the vetements joke over yetImagine walking into a room wearing this. How chic! You could pretend you’re Alice in Wonderland and you just swallowed the Drink-Me that shrunk you!

Conspicuous  Consumption is still in play, maybe more than ever before, even among those who think they’re disdaining the practice by wearing stupid overpriced street fashion.

The Huge Clothes joke is over, rich people! Get ready for the next trend, teeny tiny clothes that look like they’re about to burst. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Posted in Fashion, irritants | Tagged , , | 4 Comments

Don’t Damage Melania’s Brand, Or Else!

dont damage melania's reputationIn Melania Trumps renewed lawsuit against the Daily Mail for suggesting she once worked as an escort, she claims that her “brand” has been damaged, losing significant value. The economic damage is estimated at multiple millions of dollars.

Poor Melania. Don’t assume she’s a whore just because she’s whore-ish!

It’s not that she cares about her reputation, though; it’s the money. SHOW HER THE MONEY!

The new case, filed on Monday, states that Mrs. Trump:

had the unique, once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, as an extremely famous and well-known person, as well as a former professional model, brand spokesperson and successful businesswoman, to launch a broad-based commercial brand in multiple product categories, each of which could have garnered multimillion-dollar business relationships for a multi-year term during which Plaintiff is one of the most photographed women in the world.

The products categories could have included apparel, accessories, jewelry, cosmetics, hair care and fragrance, among others.

Christ, why stop there? What about Melania dolls and dream-houses? What about Melania Schools of Nude Modeling? Or Melania Waxing Spas and Melania diction courses?

But wait.

Melania’s lawyer, Charles Harder, and a White House spokeswoman – in identically worded statements – both denied that Melania intends to profit while in her current position. This despite language used in the suit to imply she would be reaping millions in endorsement money while her husband is in office.

The first lady has no intention of using her position for profit and will not do so. Any statements to the contrary are being misinterpreted.

What? Make up your minds, you lying liars!

Those of you who were starting to feel sorry for Melania, viewing her as an unwilling captive in a bad marriage, wise up. Naturally, we are upset that any woman has to submit to that grotesque, reprehensible cunt.

But she’s an adult white woman with lawyers, and while she is no rocket surgeon, she can obviously recognize a front door.

Don’t cry for Melania. Save your tears for immigrants, American school children, the environment, healthcare, and the billions of pussies who don’t want to be grabbed or even photographed for the prurient interest of elderly wankers like her husband.

I’m siding with the Daily Mail, a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity since in all other circumstances I despise them.

You?

Posted in News | Tagged , , | 6 Comments

Good, Bad, And Ugly: Weekend Report

good ba d and nugle weekend

I am so happy to be contributing to the MIISTA Blog!  They are a great a company whose shoes and values I fully endorse. Go and see. I have written about men in dresses, social media hate mobs, and that venomous piece of shit Donald Trump.

I am not happy to all of a sudden find I have carpal tunnel syndrome. What the fuck?! I don’t want or need new problems. There should be a limit. Last time I went to my doctor, she gave me a print-out that included a part called Current Problems. It was a list of 16 things, starting with Depression and ending with “Marijuana use.” EXCUSE ME, but marijuana use isn’t a problem so make that 15 things please.

Now for ugly, did you know that blogger and influencer Sea of Shoes is getting married?!? That’s right, she is all grown up and ready to tie the knot with some older metrosexual food blogger! It’s sure to be a festive occasion filled with Dallas socialites and the elite intelligentsia who once showered me with comments about the state of my vagina!

I look forward to covering the event to the best of my abilities, even though the bride to be blocked me on Twitter for correcting her grammar. But I understand. I have to block Nazis and republicans all the time.

Speaking of Twitter, here is my favorite user, who sparks joy like Marie Kondo has probably never experienced.

Posted in Disorders, News, Words | Tagged , , | 5 Comments

The Perfect Shredded T-Shirt

perfect shreddedt shirtI’m going to disagree and say, almost perfect.

perfect shredded tThe price is certainly fair, given, you know.

But If I have to hand wash it, then no. Forget it.

perfect shredded t rearThoughts?

Posted in Disorders, Fashion | Tagged , , | 7 Comments

Trump And Bannon: Killing Me Softly

I don’t know about you but this shit is killing me.

Just since the inauguration, I have developed carpal tunnel syndrome and eczema. I’m grinding my teeth and I’m glued to Twitter. Each new egregious development sends me into a fit of rage and disbelief. I can’t take much more of it.

And yet. You can’t just ignore it. People who tell you to stop watching the news are just losers whose lives are built on denial and not rocking the boat.  If this isn’t the time to get worked up, when is the time?

I hate these two fat capons. They probably haven’t seen their own dicks in years.

Hating Trump is a no-brainer, but hating Steve Bannon takes a little history to do it right. I like this quote, if you’re in a hurry:

Breitbart once called Bannon the “Leni Riefenstahl of the Tea Party movement.”

Trump’s statement on Holocaust Remembrance Day was remarkable for its omission of the word “Jews,” clearly a nod to Bannon’s antisemitic base. How can you talk about the Holocaust without mentioning Jews?? The White House is standing by the omission, but Reince Priebus at least admitted that the Holocaust was “sad.”

People, what are we going to do about these cunts? We’re going to resist any way we can. Here’s an online Resistance Manual to get started.

The Women’s March was fun, wasn’t it? We can have more fun like that. There’s some stuff that isn’t fun, but let’s do it anyway. We don’t want these two wife-abusing pigs to set up a fascist regime. We want healthcare and public schools. We want out reproductive rights and air that is breathable. We want refugees to feel welcome here.

Trump’s own mother was an illegal immigrant, and so is Melania, but that doesn’t stop him from his hateful rounds. Like a psychotic postman, he will trudge on through gloom of night, until he has destroyed the whole fucking world. If we let him.

We’ll worry about Pence later, along with my eczema.

Posted in News, Rants, Religion | Tagged , , , | 6 Comments

Not Just Stupid But Age Inappropriate

When I saw these boots online,  my heart started racing. Literally. I’m lucky I didn’t have a stroke.

Because I’m old. O.L.D. Too old for these Union Jack boots, even though I love Union Jacks, from a graphic standpoint and because some of my happiest years were in London.

I ordered the boots in two sizes, because with free shipping and returns, who cares? When they came today, I was amazed at how much they looked like the pictures online. Even more so, actually!

I stood up for only a moment before realizing I could never walk in them. The heels are at least 6 inches high. I’m too old to get up and measure them but trust me. I thought the platforms would help but they didn’t.  I was way up in the clouds, far far away from the ground that I desperately don’t want to fall on.

I showed them to my husband before putting them back in the box. He tried not to smirk and quickly looked away.

What does he know?! I thought.

Later, he shared his epiphany about the boots: I’m just too old for them.

I’m pretty sure this is a first. We talk about aging and how we plan to continue doing it. We don’t want to be slobs and we don’t want to change our respective styles. We don’t want to be deluded assholes, though. And so far, so good.

But now I felt defensive about the stupid boots. I insisted that if only I could walk in them, I could make them “work.” I would wear them with long wide jeans, and only the toes would show. IT WOULD BE A POP OF FUCKING COLOR, ALRIGHT?

He was dubious and I took it as a vote of no-confidence in my taste and self-awareness. Like I might suddenly wear black lipstick and a mini-dress with a lampshade on my head. Like I don’t know what I’m doing.

Or do I?

Tell me the truth: Are the boots a sign of senility or a grave miscalculation? Or both or neither? Don’t hold back.

 

Posted in Disorders, Fashion | Tagged , , | 17 Comments

My Fellow Americans

my fellow Americans

I sink I need help.

I come to America to marry rich businessman, not to be chudged every minute by the crooked press and my hussband enemies.

I hate dis song “My Way” but Donald he don’t care. I tell him maybe Sid Vicious version but he von’t listen.

He get Ivanka to choose dress for me and look, a big roll of toilet paper across my breasts! She also give me underpants not spanx and you can see butt-cheeks! So embarrassment. Ivanka you little whore, I will heet you TEN TIMES HARDER.

Ivanka should have to dance with her papa, let her smell hees breath and the crap on hees hair. Let her keep face still when he sing words in ear and try to step on foot.

Whole event make me miss Slovenia for first time. Back with friends and beauty contests and time for my language studies! Now it’s all Donald Donald Donald and Where is Barron.

My poor little Barron, how I can protect heem I don’t know. He chust want to play peek-a-boo and count his fingers all day. Now he start wetting bed again unless that is Donald, no way to tell.

I bring Michelle Obama present from Tiffany and she look like she never see blue box in whole life! The blacks maybe don’t allowed in Tiffany? But I show I am gracious First Lady, that ees all.

I hope they make up separate bed for me and Barron tonight. Then I vill know who peed.

 

 

Posted in Horrible Stuff, News | Tagged , , | 10 Comments