Okay, let’s get Madonna out of the way (as if we could!) Why can’t she see what we see? Where are the loved ones who care enough to caution her about her face? I’m pretty sure she doesn’t want to be pitied or laughed at. Right? But her surprise appearance revealed a gigantic blowfish of a face, with crazy milkmaid braids and a slit skirt revealing a stocky old leg in fishnet stockings. At one point, she even snapped at the audience, “You’re supposed to applaud here.” Let’s hope she doesn’t trouble us again until 2024.
It was a suspenseful showdown between Beyonce, Harry Styles, and Adele for Best Something. Album, record, I can’t remember. Bey won two awards, breaking a record for Grammys won, and she gave a humble speech with gratitude to god and her parents. Her dress was awful but at least not see-through this time. If I note that her boobs have grown with her fame, people will be mad at me, so I won’t do that.
Harry Styles performed in a tinsel shroud, and looked genuinely shocked when he won the award that Beyonce wanted.
Adele won an award for “Go Easy on Me” and thanked her son (I think.) She was thinner than ever and had an adorable fangirl meeting with The Rock, who looked like a massive Oscar Award.
That stupid Steve Lacey performed his hit song that made one wonder anew at his popularity. He has zero charisma, can barely sing, and looks like he just woke up.
Brandy Carlile pretended to be a rockstar but worse, she was introduced by her wife and kids, in a nod to LGBTQ inclusivity. No heterosexual artist was moved to display his/her spouse. She sometimes wears cool suits, but not this time.
Stevie Wonder was fantastic, performing a raucous “Higher Ground” to the delight of the black people in the audience. Can we stop letting white people attend the Grammys? They can’t even clap on the right beat.
Speaking of white people, Taylor Swift, the whitest person on earth, wore a a boring sequin two piece outfit that Bob Mackie wouldn’t give the time of day to. As always, she insisted on “dancing” in the audience, to show that she is just a fun girl after all. She didn’t perform or present anything, a huge win for me personally.
Lizzo was her usual vivacious self, performing with a bunch of huge back-up women and exuding a joy that is hard to resist, even for me. I still think she is way too fat because I’m not blind and there is such a thing as too thin and too fat.
Also fat, but horribly full of himself was the new Sam Smith 2.0. Recreating himself as a sex-crazed diva, he arrived with a crew of gender fluid creatures dressed in blood red gowns with weird vampire makeup. His performance was deeply disturbing. He is no Lil Nas X, alright? I officially never want anything to do with him.
Best new artist went to Samira Joy, a woman with a beautiful voice who I plan to learn more about. Yay for beautiful voices!
A salute to 50 years of Hip Hop was mostly great, even though I’m too lame to know most of the artists. At least they seemed authentic and in the moment when they performed.
What else? J Lo and Ben sat near she stage, so we were treated to his dour expression and her attempts to look like she was enjoying herself. Lose him, J Lo. It’s going to be exhausting to keep his spirits up.
As for fashion, Tems (above) looked gorgeous in Vivienne Westwood, Cardi B looked great in a blue avant garde ensemble, Pharrell Williams was pimpin hot in red leather and fur, Laverne Cox looked amazing in black and gold faux-croc, Miguel, who is actually really talented, wore an awful faded denim get up, and even though I can’t stand her, Doja Cat wore a great black latex gown with matching gloves.
There was a big finale featuring a bunch of rap artists sitting at huge table piled with a million pounds of fruit. Jay-Z rapped furiously about either god or himself, I couldn’t tell, but it seemed good. DJ Khaled ruins everything but not this.
Okay? Sorry it was so blah but it’s not my fault! let me know if I forgot anything.
I love you so much! Never stop giving us the exegeses.
I’m so glad you’re back! And giving a superb run-down, accent on the down, of that mess. I didn’t watch it, because I only ever heard of Stevie Wonder and Taylor Swift and of course Madonna, but boy as soon as I read your description of M, I almost wished I had. Of course I raced to find some pics of what she must have done to herself. She reminds me of that woman who had all the surgeries to make herself look like a cat, only no cat that ever existed on earth. Anyway, the massive Halloween wax lips, no eyebrows, and insect-like loops of hair were entertaining and horrible all at the same profoundly creepy time. And now, after seeing Kyrsten Sinema’s screaming yellow carnivorous plant outfit at the State of the Union, I have enough material for at least a week of quality nightmares.
Wonderful to read you, as always, Sis. Please don’t be a stranger, I get worried.
Taylor and Beyonce never look good! I want to rip Taylor’s stupid newscaster bangs off her head once and for all. Beyonce should let Solange style her- there’s no excuse! She doesn’t wear clothes well and they are always too small, gah!
Nina Ryan – Thank you so much! This makes me so happy!
Bevitron – Yes with Madonna, you should see all the hot takes online about her face! There’s one in the NYT suggesting that her face is her deliberate statement on beauty standards blah blah! LOL! And good call about that fucking yellow “dress”!
Lindy – RIGHT?? With all their money, they can’t look good, ever. Should we start a goFundme to hire new stylists for them?
Oh my god! I found you again!
Mary – Yes! I’m still alive and sort of kicking! Thank you for not forgetting me!
Thank you for writing still. I love how you write so uniquely about motherhood. I missed you !