As passengers on the Titanic, we should brace ourselves for the iceberg, but there is still stuff we can do to take the edge off.
Let’s think of the small ways we can make our doomed existence more tolerable in the coming year.
I’ll start with words, because they matter.
In 2017, the following words and expressions are hereby banned. If I catch you in the act of using one, I will kill you.
Yassss – No excuse, even ironically. I WILL KILL YOU.
“Dem/Dat ____, though.” – Stop it. You aren’t in Compton. Enough with dis shit.
Push back – Just say disagree or contradict.
Cross-body – I just hate it and that’s that.
Crop jeans/pants – CROPPED, motherfuckers!
Guys – Even newscasters now address us as “guys.” It’s not just Taylor Swift. Knock it off.
Athleisure – We’re better than this, aren’t we?
Insta – If you’re too tired to say Instagram, just don’t talk.
Now, let’s do topics that need to be put to rest.
Why Trump won– If I hear “The people wanted change” or “You don’t understand” or “She ran a bad campaign” ONE MORE TIME, someone’s going to die.
Misogyny – I know, it’s bad, and so’s the patriarchy. Next subject!
Ridiculing college kids – what babies, safe spaces, microaggressions, stop coddling them bla bla bla. Shut up with that superiority already, we get it.
Anal sex – no longer shocking, just annoying. Happy now, Lena Dunham? Now move on.
Netflix binging – I don’t care what you loved watching if it includes anything with zombies or cyborgs. It’s safer to keep your awful taste to yourself.
The gig economy – Nope. Shut it.
Millennials – Same as above.
For clothes, in 2017, here’s my tip: Find out what’s “hot” (bare shoulders, bedroom slippers) and staunchly reject it. If everyone’s wearing it, don’t.
For music in 2017, try listening to 70’s soul or old gospel or garage bands. Make up an obscure rapper and go around praising his influence as the real OG. I thought Lil Yachty was made up but sadly he is real.
Now it’s up to you. What are your suggestions for easing the horror of 2017?