Exciting New Contest!

exciting contestA neighbor just two houses away from us has put up this handmade sign, and in my opinion, she is asking for trouble.  Make that begging for trouble.

I feel duty-bound to oblige.

Keep in mind there are no other political signs in our neighborhood.

Naturally I’ve been thinking of ways to deface or alter her sign, but she probably has cameras and I don’t feel like being fined or going to court. I guess I could please insanity but I’d like to save that for a capital offense.

So, I need to put up my own sign, right???

I could make a NO TRUMP sign, or a sign that says PLEASE IGNORE TRUMP SIGN with an arrow pointing to her house.

I need your ideas, asap!

*Winner gets all credit for their idea or whatever he/she wants, within reason.




Posted in Art, Contest | Tagged , , | 23 Comments

Thanksgiving Epiphanies

thanksgiving epiphanies

First, let me assure you that this won’t be about stuff I’m thankful for.

Although on Thanksgiving, I actually announced that I’m thankful for not being a dwarf. No offense to the dwarf community.

Otherwise no, not thankful, I’m too depressed for that kind of thinking.

My train of thought is very morbid lately, to the point that while sitting and watching TV one night, I imagined someone shooting me right between the eyes and it felt just and appropriate.

So in this state, I attended a Thanksgiving dinner with my extended family, at a local hotel.

I crafted the structure in the photo above, and that’s the first epiphany: Playing with food is fun and satisfying and I need to do more of it.

The second epiphany came later, hours after I had expounded on the JonBenet Ramsey murder and a more obscure and horrible true-crime story.  It was after a discussion of how to debone rats. and a review of various cable TV shows that caused an outbreak of senility and confusion around the table about which was which.

So a loved one was recounting the reasons for a failed friendship that she was still mourning. After trying to be insightful, I added: “but what do I know, all my friends hate me.”

This led to someone noting that I was too aggressive in “interrogating” people. Whoa! I thought, this isn’t what I expected! I do like to ask questions, and I am persistent. I think of myself as having a lot of curiosity, but not actually obnoxious in my expression of interest.

I turned to another loved one and asked, “Do you think this about me??” And he said, “Well, I will say that you don’t like to leave well enough alone.”

So now, stoned and drunk as I was, I felt as though a curtain had been pulled away, to reveal that even the people who love me can’t stand me. I felt hurt and defensive.

I admitted that I don’t like to leave well enough alone. Why should I?? I thought and also said aloud.

My husband appeared and it was time to go home. I burst into tears as soon as we were outside. I explained that everyone hated me and as always, he was sweet and comforting as well as amused.

Epiphany #2 is: Don’t get yourself in a position to hear what people don’t like about you. Stay far away from that. It’s a road you don’t need to travel.

Epiphany #3 is: Even believing that the trait I most define as “Me” is exactly what people hate, I would never work on changing my behavior.  Ever. So now I realize that my stubbornness is even more Me than that other shit.


Epiphany #4 would be better if I had a photograph, but here it is: If you take five pats of butter and stand them in a group at certain intervals, you can balance a mini pumpkin on them!

It’s something about the distribution of weight that men seem to instinctively understand. I didn’t believe it would work, but my pretend-niece’s husband proved me wrong. It was a moment I will treasure forever.

So how was your Thanksgiving? Anything to report?







Posted in Disorders, love, Words | Tagged , , , | 16 Comments

Sweden Takes a Stand Against Mansplaining

sweden takes a stand against mansplaining

Sweden has got to be one of the word’s most progressive countries, with its ban on spanking children and its generous 480 days of paid family leave for each child.

Now, its largest union has a hotline for employees to report mansplaining in the workplace. It defines mansplaining as when

“a man explains something to a woman without being asked, particularly something which she might already know more about than the man”.

This is a huge step for women’s sanity and I’d like more countries to follow Sweden’s lead.

No more can some prick in your office tell you how to work the copying machine in that condescending voice. In the lunchroom, you won’t have to listen to Mr. World Traveler expound on how to get the cheapest airfare.

You can run to the phone and scream, “Lars is at my desk telling me how to make a spreadsheet!”

Lars won’t go to jail or even get fired, but you – his victim- will receive advice for productive action against him.

Sweden sounds like a Shangri-La except for the sardine-on-crispbread-snacks and the weather and the no sunshine.

But I worry that forbidding mansplaining at work might have consequences.

What if Swedish men come home after a long day of being muzzled at the office and launch into endless monologues about why certain gaskets are superior, and how the government works, and where to get the very best meatballs and why Ingmar Bergman is overrated, and what to do if your co-worker ignores the chain of command?

Who do you call then?

Me, I call my sister. We have discovered that both our husbands like to explain how to manage the contents of the refrigerator. “Use the older one first,” they both advise, like we are toddlers or tourists from Mars.

Mansplaining in the home is still the Wild West, where it’s every woman for herself.

If you live a man, what is your favorite riff from your Mansplainer-in-Chief?





Posted in News, Words | Tagged , | 9 Comments

A Trump Supporter With Hissing S’s

Posted in Art, News | Tagged , | 8 Comments

Daddy’s Girl

daddy's girl

As we attempt to brace ourselves for a Trump presidency, let’s address the matter of the favorite First Daughter, Ivanka Trump.

It’s no secret that Donald finds his daughter attractive. He’ s already said he would date her if he could, and he’s openly boasted about her “voluptuous” body.

For all we know, he picked out and paid for her resplendent implants, which are surprisingly similar in yardage to Melania’s.

In any case, pictures speak louder than words so cover your ears because this will be deafening:




ivanka-gropedI don’t like the way he looks at her and I don’t like the body language. Call me (or him) crazy.

I want to feel sorry for Ivanka. She was once powerless. How could she know what was appropriate or inappropriate?

But she knows one thing and that’s how to market herself and her Ivanka Trump products.

After appearing with Dad on 60 Minutes last night, Ivanka had an underling send a memo out to the press, asking them to note that she was wearing a bracelet from her own collection.


The apple doesn’t fall far from the monster, does it?

The Trumps are a gang of pimps and ho’s who all deserve therapy under Obamacare, which mandates that mental health be treated like physical health.

But meanwhile, our government needs to ensure that a Trump regime doesn’t become a kleptocracy once these grifters move into the White House and set the stage to blow up the world.

Posted in News, Rants | Tagged , , , | 10 Comments

Let’s Take A Denim Break

lets take a denim breakSometimes we must seek relief wherever we can find it and tonight I offer denim.

These ugly shorts are the worst possible way to spend $325 but go ahead, see if I care. Look at the rear view:

denim-6397-shorts-rearWhy not just kill yourself?

What about these pin-button embellished jeans by Each X Other, A bargain at $406.91.

each-x-other-pin-covered-jeansThe sheer stupidity and inconvenience! At least the pins are only on the front, so you can sit down. But you know what, if you buy these jeans, you don’t deserve to sit down. You must stay on your feet like Jane Fonda did in “They Shoot Horses Don’t They” until you collapse in despair.

Let’s say you have a wry sense of humor and you think it’s funny to wear jeans with a drawing of jeans on them.


Oops, sorry, it’s been a bad week and I’m overreacting. Or am I? These jeans have been reduced from $1,075 to $645. So you can be all Dada and everything while still feeling thrifty. Just don’t come near me wearing them.

Finally, there are these cropped distressed jeans by Kimhekim:

denim_kimhekim-blue-cropped-distressed-jeans-2An avant garde design for just $280, allowing you to pretend these holes are windows to your soul. In some cultures, this purchase would call for a good knee-capping. I’m just saying.

“In Denim Is Truth” as they say in Latin.






Posted in Fashion, grief | Tagged , , | 10 Comments

Here We Are Now, Entertain Us

here we are now entertain us

It goes without saying that I am horrified and despondent about the election. I don’t even want to type his name. My husband and I have been glued to cable news for hours every day but now we can’t bear to watch. I refused to listen to his acceptance speech – my tiny, pointless protest.

I have no appetite for all the political analysts doing their postmortems. It’s all bullshit.

“The American people want change.” “The American people are sick of the Washington Establishment.” “The American people are angry about being left behind.” “The American people are sending a message.”


Hillary won the popular vote so  we can’t brand all Americans with any of these platitudes.

Many of those who voted for Trump were motivated by knee-jerk hatred of the Clintons, which is mostly a psychosis rather than a reasoned response to their actual behavior in public life.

But mostly, Trump won because Americans want to be entertained, and Donald brought it, every single day!

Americans wanted a reality show on a grand scale because that’s how they spend their evenings, watching bachelors pretend to fall in love, or Kardashians pretend to argue, or Housewives pretend to form rivalries and alliances, or amateur singers competing for stardom.

Americans loved the Trump show, with his orange face and his Liberace hairdo, his wild insults reminding them of when Theresa upended the table! They love his two douchbag sons, his busty blonde daughter, the hint of incest, the exotic foreign trophy wife, the constant drama and craziness.

This show has everything! And it’s just beginning!

How will the Trumps adapt to their new home? It’s like the Beverly Hillbillies but better! Will they put in a stripper pole for Melania? Will they get gold bathroom fixtures?

And the cast of characters like Giuliani, Christie, Gingrich, true villains in contrast to Donald’s clueless, illiterate narcissism and need for attention!

None of this shit is based on any ideas about “policy change” or “economics.” It’s just a show about a kooky rich family moving into the White House.

There is one other side-note to Trump’s popularity and it was expressed perfectly in a tweet by a journalist whose name I can’t remember:

I don’t like being called a kike, but I understand that people are feeling disenfranchised and want change.

So sit back and enjoy your show, but remember that when you turn off the TV, it will still be on.




Posted in Horrible Stuff, News | Tagged , , , | 13 Comments

Dear World, So Sorry!

Posted in grief, Horrible Stuff, News | Tagged , , , | 11 Comments

Thriftshop Healing

thriftshop healing

I have developed a new obsession with silk pajamas, having bought a beautiful pair for $6.99 at Goodwill. Now, I have to look for more, because that’s what happens when you have a shopping disorder.

Today, I was patiently searching a rack at a gigantic thriftshop called Savers, when a woman standing next to me started to cry. I had noticed her earlier, registering that she was very short and looked disadvantaged somehow.

She looked at me and said through her tears, “My brother was killed in Vietnam.”

I tried to compute this, thinking, But that was a million years ago. I managed to say, “Oh no, what year did this happen?”

What a stupid question! I think I was trying to catch her in a lie. Still, she tried to remember. Sixty-something.

I then said, with all my heart, “I’m so sorry. It never gets better, does it?”

She agreed and we started to talk. I asked her brother’s name (Ricky) and showed her my locket where I keep Max’s hair.

She told me she had taken care of her mother for six years and said: “She died in my arms.”

I asked about her kids: One has stage 3 liver cancer and another needs therapy but her insurance won’t cover it.

We talked about how some days are worse and some are better. She confided that she goes to thrift-shops to distract herself from her sadness…I think she said something like, “so I don’t get depression.” I assured her that I do the same.

I told her to remember that she is loved and needed. She asked Max’s name so she could pray for him.

Wherever you go, a person standing next to you may be suffering, and isolated in the bubble of their grief. The act of comforting someone is more gratifying than a million pairs of silk pj’s.  Alleviating someone else’s pain is the best way to soothe your own.

For a little while, because of this encounter, I felt like a valuable human being. I didn’t find any pajamas but I did find a silk nightie for $2.99.



Posted in grief, Words | Tagged , , | 15 Comments

Melania Will Have No Bullying!

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