Kim Kardashian Is A Virus

kim's paris boobs

My name is Sister Wolf, and I’m addicted to Kim Kardashian.

I write about her at my ‘day job’ but when I’m off-duty, I find I can’t quit her. When I’m out walking with my husband, a dazzling view of the ocean at hand, I’m talking about Kim Kardashian.

This week has been emotionally draining for Kim Addicts trying to keep up with her adventures in Paris. They’re not actually adventures. They’re more like sightings of a rare and horrible primate.

It’s not just me, either, not at all. Each time she emerges from her hotel, there is complete fucking pandemonium. Someone is going to get trampled, mark my words. People are risking their safety to get a glimpse of this creature. She is no longer human, by her own choice. Maybe that’s the source of the fascination?

Her new blonde hair nearly gave me (and the world) a seizure of joyous horror. It was so hideous, so wrong, so absurd, it was a brilliant move on Kim’s part to ensure that all eyes would be on her and not the actual fashion shows she was in Paris to attend.

Boldly reveling in her new image as a blonde bombshell, Kim went all out, flaunting her bare boobs and pursing her tumescent nude-glossed lips, vacant of all expression, striding around with her phalanx of bodyguards through a gauntlet of paparazzi and tourists.

Kanye seemed thrilled with his newly blonde wife, cuddling her amorously and proudly attempting to cup her giant ass in a gesture of ownership. He is one satisfied customer. But fuck him, he is of no importance, except to himself.

kim nails it at balmain insert

Now I’ve come home to find that Kim has bleached her hair even lighter, almost white, after 3 hours in a Paris hair salon. My heart is racing. What the hell is wrong with her and how did she get a colorist to agree to this?

kim platinum 2

When will her hair break off or fall out? When will she change her expression? When will Anna Wintour take her aside and say, “Kim, you’re killing us. Get a fucking stylist for the love of god!”

I want to make it clear that I’ve only seen one episode of her TV series so I don’t know what she’s like when she’s trying to act like a person. I only know her as a visual monstrosity that I can’t look away from. I am gladly ending that sentence with a preposition, just as I allowed myself to write “phalanx” for the first time in my life.  The Kimmania triggers a giddy sense of unreality where no one has to observe standards or boundaries.

Because Kim is a pathogen. Western civilization is the host. If I’m wrong about this, please explain why. And show your work.

kim with fur crap

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16 Responses to Kim Kardashian Is A Virus

  1. Dj says:

    Sister, if you had been paying attention in biology class you would see that the kreature is covered in a thick exoskeleton as well as fur (see photo)impervious to contaminants that could possibly destroy her. She is a superbug. The amount of Clorox she has poured on her fur and lasers used to remove other fur patches would kill an entire population of average bugs like Ebola, plague, dengue fever etc. She feeds on the souls of humans who look at her. In turn, they become mere husks. All the symptoms you have listed are potentially dangerous. Look away. Eat yogurt. Save yourself.

  2. Bevitron says:

    Sister, you are totally right about this.

    Does her face have any moving parts? I wanted her to retire it and let her ass do the talking, but now it looks like she’s retired it, too, and that just leaves tits or hair to take over. Wait, do the nails show signs of life?

  3. Lynn says:

    Yes, a pathogen, but she may also be your muse. Your writing here is transcendent!

  4. Andra says:

    Well, living in a vacuum as I do, once again I really don’t know who or what this thing is.
    However, this is the best writing you’ve done since the lesbian stick, in my opinion.
    If this thing/animal/”human” inspires you so much keep looking and learning.
    I am not addicted and able to turn away and so I will!

  5. Esther says:

    Trailer trash with money and no class at all !!!

  6. Winter Bird says:

    I would like to punch both her and Kanye in the neck!

  7. kate says:

    oh my gawd! you have put into words what I have only felt, for fear of articulating!
    Like you, I’ve only seen a few moments of the “show” but this creature/monster is everywhere, so I seem to know so much…yet not sure why!
    I had to seize discussing creature/monster as my boyfriend commented that I was “obsessed”
    But, I’ve found a kindred soul! what a relief!
    My only fear is what could creature/monster possibly do next.

  8. Debbie says:

    It’s getting weirder and weirder. She’s EVERWHERE and so overexposed that she’s almost not even famous anymore (does that make sense?) She’s like the moon … always there and yet you never think about it. I know my comment is making no sense, but it’s like she is so in your face that she is no longer special. Know what I mean? I am DYING to know where she will be in 30 years.

  9. Katy says:

    The shape of her ass confounds me. It’s too round, but also too dumpy. Maybe her legs are too small to hold it up properly? It looks like a mishapen, fully-loaded diaper from the back.

  10. Dj says:

    May I add…why is that poor North always in black?? They are all wicked, horrible…and AND why do all these young women want gargantuan asses??? Have I missed something??

  11. Kellie says:

    I knew the minute the canary yellow hair appeared, it would soon be whiter. No one wants to be a baby chickadee in real life. She probably couldnt take the burn of the bleach any longer.
    Which i
    i understand as a fellow bleachee. There is only so much a scalp can take at one time.
    That black hair is going to grow in somfast, she is going to live in the salon. Which may be a goal for her in terms of passing time doing not much at all.
    I wear latex outfits, and can tell you that I have never seen an ass like that on any human. It truly looks like a diaper filled with poop. Its doing Atsuko Kudo no favors for being the designer, either.
    God, I feel like a fool for knowing all of this. But I read the Daily Mail, and there are never less than 10 stories each day about these trashy people.

  12. M. says:

    She did have a talented stylist, Monica Rose, for a brief time. Her outfits were more apropriate AND she actually looked pretty in some of them.
    Then Kanye came along and she fired professional help and went back to being that beautiful work of art.

    You know: you can take someone out of a trashy life but you definitely can’t ever take trash out of someone.

  13. Madam restora says:

    When there are so many genuinely interesting, creative, talented, inspiring people in the world why does this person get so much attention? I find it baffling and frustrating and I wish western civilisation would purge itself of our constant diet of mental junk food and concentrate on more illuminating subjects. Seriously, I’ve had enough pop culture, if you could call it that. It’s boring.

  14. Skye says:

    I am actually into the Kim/Kanye situation, it’s like a much improved 21st century version of Jeff Koons and Cicciolina, where the Jeff figure (Kanye) is actually talented, as well as an egomaniacal blowhard, and the Cicciolina (Kim) is far more in control and powerful in the whole dynamic.

    It will most certainly go down in flames at some point, but until then I am into it.

  15. Blighty says:

    I love this piece of writing Sister Wolf, it’s brilliant! That’s all.

  16. Lizzi says:

    Enough with the Kardashian already! I’m fed up!!! You have such an amazing talent as a writer and a life observer so stop wasting it on trash like these creatures. I would understand discussing failed “artists” but this bunch of people came from nothing, and are still nothing.

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