Calm Yourselves, Children

Noticing a spike in my blog stats, I traced it to a reddit group or whatever they call it, (subgroup? board?) for people who hate their parents. The parents are labeled “narcissists” for the purposes of explaining why they’re “toxic.”

Someone linked to the post I wrote about Mother’s Day, and people are disgusted by how awful I am. Not only that, but they are discovering that my firstborn child “committed suicide.” Aha, proof of my toxicity. One poster is creeped out by my boast of making good chicken.

Here is the problem, Children of Narcissists. You are viewing everything from a particular lens, and you are not seeing the big picture.

Once you’re a parent, you can see things from both perspectives. You know what it’s like to have kids, and you remember what it’s like to be one. And if you have gained any wisdom, you begin to see that we are all wounded. All of us. Don’t make me quote Hemingway here.

In all my posts called Crazy Mothers Club, you can see how widespread childhood abuse is. It is shocking but true. Those of us who were victims can learn compassion, or pretend it never happened, or join support groups. Before the Internet, we didn’t go around looking for other parents to disparage but that was then.

May I note here that my diagnosis is depression and PTSD, not narcissism?

I wonder what kind of parent can escape the wrath of angry, wounded adult children who congregate in forums to share their stories and single out strangers as perps? I know moms and dads who don’t have great or equal relationships with their children, but are nonetheless loving and conscientious parents. We usually do our best. I would say that even my crazy mother did her best, given her difficulties.

I can’t imaging joining a forum of parents who feel hurt by their estranged children. I don’t like groupthink and I don’t want to expose myself to the gripes of bitter strangers whose circumstances have nothing to do with me.

I wish the best to you reddit people. If you haven’t lost a loved one to suicide, maybe you can research it’s effect on those left behind. In your grief over your narcissist parents, you might also respect that there are other kinds of grief. There are more things in Heaven and Earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy. You know what I mean.

I am here for a dialogue, but not for hate mobs. Been there, done that already. If your parents (or kids) are toxic narcissists, please chime in. Help us to understand. Just refrain from bringing up my darling son or you will go straight to hell.

Love, Sister Wolf


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21 Responses to Calm Yourselves, Children

  1. Penny says:

    Keats said ‘Do you not see how necessary a world of pains and troubles is, to school an intelligence and make it a soul?’. There’s nothing disgusting or awful or toxic about you SW, you have great intelligence and a deep soul and if writing about your life makes you a narcissist (which I don’t believe it does) then please, be a narcissist because your posts are hilarious (think hideous denim) and thought provoking in equal measure. Bollocks to the naysayers!

  2. anna says:

    hello, daughter of a narcissist here. currently, i am recovering from surgery. he has visited me several times during my convalescence to dive deep into his ocean of delusion, retrieving false memories of the times the world prevented him from a life of fame and fortune. he’s a vacuum of blame and negativity and has never shown an ounce of the compassion, self-reflection and kind-heartedness that is so evident in the way you express yourself. in fact, i’ve always wished you could be as kind to yourself as you are to the people you love!!!! i know its not that simple, but i wish it could be.

  3. Mary says:

    I loved your Mothers Day post. It was just what I needed at the time.

  4. Dj says:

    Grow up CON! Goodness sake! I lived in a very dysfunctional home, I survived, thrived and don’t give a shit. Stop yammering and live your life…..

  5. Greg Gasawski says:

    I haven’t slept in a week. I need trazodone.

  6. Greg Gasawski says:

    I haven’t slept in a week. I feel like shit.

  7. Miranda Mitsouko says:

    Word, sister! Word. So much love to you. XO

  8. Sister Wolf says:

    Penny – Lovely quote! Thank you for your support xo

    anna – Oh god, jesus, how awful. So sorry to hear. xo

    Mary -Thank you!!! It was what I needed too. xo

    Dj – If only we could all grow up. xo

    Greg – What the fuck?! You will sleep eventually….bit it sounds like torture. Did you try antihistamine?

  9. Greg Gasawski says:

    Yes, I tried everything. Including melatonin. It is hell.

  10. Romeo says:

    I’m a toxic narcissist who’s miffed at his parents for not being able to outsmart their own pathology, but this probably has more to do with the fact that I’m emotionally stunted than anything else. Does Reddit have a thingy for the emotionally stunted or is the entire site a symptom/subreddit of developmental retardation?

    I keep that goddamn Horatio quote close to hand nowadays. It doesn’t help much but allows me to feel briefly like the potential genius that my parents (and society, fuckin’ society, man!) inadvertently destroyed.

  11. Sister Wolf says:

    Greg – Shit.

    Romeo – That last part reminded me of Ignacious P Reilly and I can relate. Our mutual genius must survive and WILL survive. I love you so much. xo

  12. Romeo says:

    I thought you told me NOT to read that book.

    Also: happy Bloomsday, everyone who’s managed to read Ulysses! Take your copy and jam it in sideways!

  13. Madam Restora says:

    How convenient it must be to have parents who were less than perfect so they can bear the blame for every way life has failed you (not you SW). I’m of the belief that once past the age of 30 it becomes a bit pathetic to continue to blame your problems on your parents.

  14. Sister Wolf says:

    Romeo – Hahahahaha re Ulysses! I guess you can read C of D now. I don’t remember why I said not to. Maybe I can’t be trusted any more.

    Madame Restora – Better to just blame genetics if you need to assign blame.

  15. helen waite says:

    SW: What’s C of D ?
    Romeo: I’ve read Ulysses . Do I really have to shove it in at all, much less sideways? Why?
    (fwiw: I loved “Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man” and “The Dubliners” far more.)

    – I’m a CoN and it can really make me feel better at darker times when I can unburden a/o exchange experiences with others. I fckn loathe the PoCoN who redditize about their children that ‘seem to hate them” , are “selfish” etc.

  16. Suspended says:

    Narcissist, my arse! You are a writer, and a bloody good one at that. Reddit is a place for arseholes to console arseholes. Most of them just need a good shower and some daylight.

    I don’t blame my parents for being anything other than infuriatingly annoying. Sure, I experienced some shit growing up but I put them through some shit too. Odds we’re even.

    I saw my Dad six days out of seven last week. The seventh day was Father’s Day and by that point in the week I couldn’t even bear to speak to him on the phone. It’s crosses my mind from time to time, how many months could actually pass before I’d bother to contact them? My Mum is looking for a house near us…we may need to move. She imagines a life, based on other people’s Facebook posts, where we all live happily ever after. If I’m in a good mood, I can take about two hours of her before my blood starts to boil. My Father comes for lunch every Saturday…whether we like it or not. He’s so fucking tiring. I think they’re ageing me. Yeah, I blame them for ageing me…I’m off to start a support group on Reddit.

  17. Sister Wolf says:

    helen waite – I don’t think you need to shove it anywhere, but Romeo has strong feelings. Portrait of the Artist was really great. It was a strong influence in my youth. As for those reddit boards, it seems like a real vortex of misery and blame. I need to stay away from it.

  18. Sister Wolf says:

    Suspended – You are a better man than I, as we all know by now. Putting up with your parents at this point is so good of you, because you don’t have to do it. You can just opt out. I refused to deal with my parents for years, because they made me feel so terrible. I just boycotted them until they were dying. I wish I could have been more compassionate with my mother, and less compassionate with my father.

    In the end, they both got even with me in their wills.

    I’ll help you move!

  19. Suspended says:

    I don’t think I’m better, just lazier, Sis. Avoidance takes effort and it’s much harder when you’ve produced their only Grandchild.

    My Brother is great at it, the avoidance part, so much so, that I’m left with the guilt of taking up the slack. God, that sounds a bit martyr-ish. I’d never begrudge him his freedom.

    Yesterday I had to put up with my Mum reading my Tarot to see if my passport will arrive on time for the flight I have booked on the 5th. This, despite the fact the passport office has told me I have no chance in hell. She sent my wife the results via text (she doesn’t have my number.) Stop! was my first word when my wife tried to relay some of my Mum’s shite. How can you even read cards that someone hasn’t chosen? I don’t know how such foolery works but there’s no way it’s taking up a minute of my time.

    My wife has said to me on occasion “Wow, you really turned out quite normal, all things considered.” It felt like a compliment to be, however fractionally, disassociated from them.

  20. Renee says:

    I’ve never once thought of you as a narcissist. You are honest.

  21. Sister Wolf says:

    Renee -Sorry for the delay, I just saw your comment. Thank you for your support! Some idiot just wrote to me to explain why I am a narcissist. I think this word has taken over from sexist and racist as the insult du jour.

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