Things to Feel Good About

Posted on December 31, 2021 by Sister Wolf

Surprise, I’m focusing on the positive! Because there are still good things, and here’s a short list.

 Pete Davidson and Kim Kardashian

Isn’t this fantastic! Who could have imagined this?? When she broke up with Kanye, it seemed preordained that Kim would hook up with a wealthy Black athlete or maybe another rap “artist”. But no, instead she chose a scrawny white guy and self-professed stoner. Pete has plowed, ahem, his way through every other single female celeb, so maybe it had to happen, or maybe his Big Dick Energy was the attraction? I guess Kim likes her men to be bi-polar, and why not? I hope this goes on for eternity or at least the next few months. Please don’t let me down, Pete and Kim. You’re living your best lives! Take that, Ariana!

The Beatles Documentary. If you’re a boomer or even a culturally literate Gen X or Y, this is just heaven. I actually changed my mind about Paul, who I’ve hated for years and years. Watching these talented, witty, charismatic young men hang out together and create the soundtrack to our youth is enthralling. I never realized their beauty, because I was too young to recognize it. Their glossy hair and beautiful skin and radiant smiles are pure  magic. Just think: we’ve seem more images of the Beatles than of our own families or anything else. They are the best part of us, aren’t they, boomers? George’s style is a nice surprise (to me), as is Yoko’s relative harmlessness. Be prepared for a flood of nostalgia.

Norsemen.  Another gift from TV, Norsemen is a Norwegian series filmed in English, a deranged satire of Vikings, reminiscent of What We Do in the Shadows but more outrageous in it’s extreme battle scenes and it’s over-the-top homo-erotic (or homophobic) subtext. Every actor is totally committed to the deadpan insanity. There are three seasons to binge or savor, on Netflix.

Jean Stafford. What a great writer who I just discovered this year! She won a Pulitzer prize for a collection of short stories, but even more impressive is her second novel, The Mountain Lion. I’m about 3/4 into it and could not be more envious of her brilliance. If you love Flannery O’Connor, I think you will love The Mountain Lion. Jean Stafford has a similarly dark sensibility that seems well-earned, given her miserable life.

Idiotic Word Usage. I am really enjoying the use of “rescue” to mean “dog.” I just heard a news corespondent say “Oh sorry, that’s my rescue barking.” Haha, you idiot, JUST SAY DOG. We’re not giving out points for how you acquired your pet, for fucksake. I’ve read about celebrities enjoying family life with their two rescues. What do you call other dogs….mill-bred? Store-bought?

Then there is “space.”

“In the world, the eating disorder space, and the body positivity space, I don’t think there’s enough time, energy, or resources spent on people on the higher end of the weight spectrum, people who are fat, and people who are gender queer, trans, non-binary,” she said.

This usage is like nails on a chalkboard to me. It was bad enough when “space” meant your apartment. “I like what you’ve done with this space.” Ewwwwwwwwwww! While thinking about this usage, I came across this great glossary of activist terms. It is pretty comprehensive and I would even say poignant. It includes a few words to not use, like “diversity.” Fine with me! Done!

Well, there you go. It’s not much but it’s something. I’m trying to be the shepherd, you know?

If you have some other things to feel good about, let’s hear from you!

Posted in Art, Celebrities, irritants, Words | Tagged , , , , | 11 Comments

Make No Friends But Keep the Old

Posted on December 6, 2021 by Sister Wolf

It’s hard to make new friends when you’re old, and even harder when you’re morose, needy, and opinionated. I’ve lived in my “new” community for 7 years and have made one friend, but she’s very busy with work and family. I’m not an extrovert by any means, but I do crave companionship, so much so that new people usually hasten to escape my orbit.

When I first moved here I had high hopes for meeting people. A friend of a friend was dating a woman called M, who was smart, well-read, and “fun” when she was drinking. Soon after we met, she invited me to sit on her lap, and I did! Why not? She was amusing, pretty, and I was drinking too.

M befriended me and introduced me to her teen daughters. She reported that the girls thought I was So Cool, and she hoped I would spend some time with them. I grew close to the older girl, a gorgeous high school student who thought she was ugly and had been dumped on the ride home from prom by a boy who texted her while his dad drove.

M started to ghost me but I tried not to notice. Her boyfriend revealed that M no longer wanted to be friends because I didn’t believe in god. That was a new one! I couldn’t take this seriously, since M wasn’t religious. Finally, I confronted her by text, and she said I was “too sad.” Interestingly, she had been drawn to my sadness at first. But now I was too sad for a woman who never, ever stopped ranting about her daughter had been raped ” in the face.”

I was so hurt that I considered getting a license plate reading 2SAD4U. Actually, I’d still like to have that but I’m too lazy to begin the process.  2LAZ4U would be even better.

Later, I met L, who was daffy but fun, and we shared some obscure enthusiasms, like Mexican Wedding Earrings and silk pj’s. I sent her a photo of my dresser, and she sent me one of her dresser. They were nearly identical!

But every time I asked her if she wanted to get together, L was doing something else. After at least 5 efforts, I gave up. Was I too sad or too lazy? Or was I too much like her? Oh well.

Not long ago, I met V at the supermarket. She screamed, “Your hair is so beautiful!” and I turned around ready to marry her. She continued to shower me with compliments, and I returned each one. She had nice hair, she was really pretty, good style, etc. We stood and talked about all kinds of things including her violent father and her favorite Maybelline mascara. I gave her my phone number and told her I would love to hang out or go to Sephora together. When I texted her, she blew me off.

Then, at Nordstrom, I met a lady my age who had just moved here from Chicago after a divorce. We talked about our kids and, at great length, about our wrinkly necks and the many methods that won’t help despite costing thousands of dollars. We exchanged phone numbers. When I texted her, she said she would love to get together after she “got settled in.” That was months ago.

M, L, and V could be reasonably described as crazy, but that was hardly a deal-breaker for me.

Last night in desperation I went to the park for a Menorah lighting thing, even though I’m an atheist who doesn’t practice Judaism. I figured there was a chance of meeting someone local who might be friend material. After talking to a few people, I learned that I have a strong aversion to yellow teeth. Then, miraculously, I met a nice woman with a nose ring and a cute baby. She was smart, warm, and exhibited no craziness. We exchanged phone numbers but I think by the end she just felt sorry for me.

My husband came to walk me home from the park, and I expressed my deep sympathy for the small gathering of Jews, which perplexed him. I explained that I was touched by their willingness to come out on a cold night to embrace their religious traditions, even though everyone has hated them for three thousand years.  They aren’t giving up, just like me trying to find friends.

Meanwhile, an actual close friend won’t return my calls and I’m getting nervous. I hope it’s nothing to do with god or sadness. I might try her again later.

L’chaim!

 

Posted in Disorders, Religion | Tagged , , , | 15 Comments

Heartbreak and the Dik-Dik

Posted on December 1, 2021 by Sister Wolf

I always click on the saddest, most horrible articles in the New York Times online. Yesterday, I read about a study finding that parents who lose a child have an increased risk of heart attacks. The idea being that heartbreak actually breaks your heart. I read most of the comments, too. The most pertinent one was, “No kidding.”

The saddest one, the one I most identified with was this, from a mother:

I have never been the same. My broken heart was only part of the casualty. A shadow appearing as myself has been going about the Sisyphean task called life.

Yes, that’s a perfect summation. I am here but not here. That’s just the way it is.

I dutifully read the bleak, sappy, distressing and sometimes clueless comments and was finally rewarded by a guy who pointed out that the African dik-dik dies of heartbreak after a partner passes away. I pictured a noble tribe of nomadic herders, swathed in beads and kente cloth and dropping dead in their paths.

But the dik-dik is a tiny species of antelope, reaching only around 12 to 16 inches high!  Unlike other antelope, who live in herds, the dik-dik live in pairs. They are monogamous partners for life, and so protective of their privacy that they chase away their own offspring before they reach 8 months old.

The dik-dik are not only cute, with wiggly noses and long eyelashes, but obviously incurable romantics! Without the defenses of a herd, they are easy prey for larger animals, but they are true to their nature, trusting and depending on each other for everything.

And here is the best part: Instead of marking their territory with urine, like most animals, the dik-dik mark their territories with tears.

dik-dik bury their heads into the grass and release a special tear from a black spot below their eyes. This sticky preorbital glandular fluid cannot be smelled by human nostrils but conveys everything necessary to other dik-dik.

I love them so much. A world with dik-dik in it can’t be dismissed as all bad. It’s mostly bad, but like the dictum, focus on the dopeness, not the wackness, I’m going to focus on the dik-dik, and so should you.

 

Posted in grief, love, News | Tagged , , | 7 Comments

Enough With The Fucking Scarf!*

Posted on November 16, 2021 by Sister Wolf

God, what will it take to make Taylor Swift stop bitching about guys who broke up with her? Why is it such a crime??

Can anyone think of another female vocalist who complained so much about being dumped?

If you happened to see her perform on Saturday Night Live over the weekend, you are probably wondering how you can get those ten minutes back. A tedious new version of some song that her fans loved back in the day when it was only 5 minutes long, it was the stupidest thing ever. My husband and I both laughed and groaned throughout, wondering why there was a video of a couple mooning around in the background. Didn’t she think she could hold our attention with her big chunky white veneers and hair-flipping?

Anyway, if you didn’t see it, the new song is about her break-up with Jake Gyllenhaal, when she was 21 and he was 30. Apparently, the 9 year age difference is one of his felonies, like keeping her scarf. 21 and 30 sounds pretty normal to me. Do couples have to be within a couple of years in age these days? Is anything else exploitation or a power imbalance? Poor Jake really takes a beating, because he dared to get tired of her. But victimhood is her brand. First it was Jon Mayer, boo hoo, then a million other bad, mean boyfriends.

I admit that I don’t know why she’s a star. She seems like such an awful person, obsessed with making money and shifting genres to suit the times. I also admit to a visceral dislike of her physical self. She looks like a rodent and her hunchback or scoliosis is disturbing.

I further admit that she’s been annoying me for years and years. Here’s something I don’t even remember writing!

But it’s so nuts to read a fawning appreciating of her in the New York Times, which I thought was a refuge for normal adults.

“All Too Well” parallels the emotional work that many women have been privately undertaking in the wake of the #MeToo movement: Looking back on past encounters or relationships that left them with a seemingly outsize feeling of unease; wondering what exactly constitutes exploitation or emotional abuse; wishing they could go back and extend some compassion or wisdom to their vulnerable younger selves.

Haha, whatever. If this break-up song is a masterpiece, what is Back to Black?? To paraphrase Etta James, I’d rather go blind than see Taylor Swift perform again.

I wish I had something incisive to say about her as an “artist” or phenomenon, but I’ve always been at a loss, urging millennial friends to explain her appeal. But they always hate her too, because none of my friends are idiots, I guess.

What if all her mean boyfriends got together and wrote a song about dating her?? Why can’t we have that? All the guys would get cancelled for their toxic masculinity, sure, but why can’t they sacrifice themselves for the greater good?

If you can explain Taylor’s success, please, I would love to know! Mean while, enjoy Amy and Etta, who know how to take a romantic punch.

*Scarf exegesis here.

Posted in Celebrities, irritants, Rants | Tagged , , , | 3 Comments

The Sigil Papers: An Adventure in Customer Service

Posted on November 5, 2021 by Sister Wolf

I ordered a perfume sample and got the wrong one. A journey into the dark heart of a Mad Tea-party ensued:

 

Hi Joanne,

I’m the founder and creative director of Sigil and I wanted to say thank you for your purchase from us. At Sigil, we are committed to bringing you the highest-quality, gender-fluid, natural fine fragrances and beauty essentials. We also believe in doing business for good. Our social mission sees us giving back to nonprofits who directly reflect our vision and values.

We appreciate your business, and are excited to have you in our community. If you have any feedback, or want to say hi, reply to this email. As a special treat, use the code MODERNALCHEMY at checkout to shop with 15% off your next purchase.

We’d love to hear from you. Be sure to follow along with us on Instagram for all the latest, too.

With love,
Patrick Kelly
Sigil founder

To: Sigil <info@sigilscent.com>
Thank you for your nice welcome. Here is my problem: I wanted to order a sample of Amor Fati, which sounds like something I would love.

But on the Amor Fati page, when you click on “sample”, it brings you to the Individual Sample page. There, I clicked on “add to cart” without realizing that there was a drop down menu where I had to scroll down to Amore Fati.

So, instead of Amore FAti, I was sent Aqua Viridi (the first item in the drop down menu.) And it is truly awful to my nose!!!!

I can’t take the time to go to the post office to send this sample back to you. I would like a sample of Amore Fati, though. I think it should be complimentary, due to the confusing mechanism of ordering a sample.

I expect to love Amor Fati, and would be more than happy to leave an enthusiastic review!

Best,
Joanne Wolf

Sigil Scent <info@sigilscent.com> Tue, Oct 26, 2021 at 3:01 PM
To: Joanne Wolf
Hi Joanne,

Thank you for your email. The product you’re purchasing is also available for confirmation twice at checkout to be sure there are no questions. You can use the checkout code SIGILFRIEND for a very generous discount at checkout.

Enjoy,
Sigil

[the generous discount was $5]

 

Joanne Wolf    Tue, Oct 26, 2021 at 3:21 PM
To: Sigil Scent <info@sigilscent.com>
The sample link on the Amor Fati page defaults to a different product! Maybe you could clarify this to your customers.

Here’s what I would like to happen to resolve this: Please send me what I wanted and paid for in the first place, a sample of Amor Fati.

I look forward to resolving this matter.

Thanks,
Joanne Wolf

info@sigilscent.com <info@sigilscent.com> Tue, Oct 26, 2021 at 3:27 PM
To: Joanne Wolf
Hi Joanne,

Thank you for your response.

As you mentioned previously, there is only one sample product detail page with a drop down to select the sample you would like. I’ll send a note to our developer to see if there’s any way to try to have the dropdown force select based on the referring URL that came before the product page. But it’s the customer’s responsibility to confirm cart contents reflect their intended purchase. You are served an itemized list at the cart summary page before entering your card or payment info, where it lists the name of the sample(s) and any other items in your cart.

We don’t accept returns or exchanges and do not offer refunds.

If you’d like to cover the cost of shipping from our warehouse I can try to get the cost of a new order for an Amor Fati sample covered, without shipping. Let me know.

Cheers,
Sigil

 

Joanne Wolf      Tue, Oct 26, 2021 at 3:41 PM
To: Sigil <info@sigilscent.com>
I’m disappointed by your response. Shipping is around 7$ and I’ve already spent $24 for something I don’t want, due to your problematic coding.

I buy things online all the time! And this has NEVER happened to me.

I will leave an honest review of Aqua Viridi, and I can also mention your rude customer service on Instagram and on my own website, https://godammit.com/

with sadness,
Joanne

info@sigilscent.com <info@sigilscent.com> Tue, Oct 26, 2021 at 4:02 PM
To: Joanne Wolf
Hi Joanne,

Sorry to hear offering you a free sample after shipping costs won’t be agreeable.

We understand your frustration, and for others’ sake will see if there’s any other way we can make it more clear that what’s in your cart is what you’ll receive after checkout.

Also very sorry to hear you found our service rude as we strive to listen for understanding.

Let us know if you change your mind on our offer to send you a free sample.

Sigil
An experiment in modern alchemy®

Joanne Wolf      Wed, Oct 27, 2021 at 1:25 PM
To: Sigil <info@sigilscent.com>
Well, so many things to digest!

First, you sent me a reply to my review of Aqua Viridi, but did not publish the review. Why is that? Only positive reviews published or what?

Second, returning to your website, I see that when you put a product in your cart, ANOTHER PRODUCT IS ADDED that you have to manually uncheck in order not to buy it! Who are you guys, Donald Trump?? This is one of the dodgy practices that have been reported on the Trump donation page! How terrible! Again, I buy things online all the time and have NEVER encountered this! You guys should be ashamed. It is clearly deliberate and not a coding bug.

Third, I order fragrance samples from Smallflower.com on occasion, and they are usually $5 I have subsequently purchased the full size products.

Fourth, I just purchased some lingerie from a small niche company whose policy is: if it doesn’t fit, you may have one FREE exchange, with no charge for return or new shipping. I love my item that I received in the exchange and will be back to buy more.

So, here is a serious question: What’s wrong with you?? You are happy to lose a customer over $7?? Is it the principle that bothers you or does $7 mean that much to your profit report? If I had liked the fragrance I wanted to try, I would have notified all my fragrance-junkie friends, and I would have eagerly purchased the full size bottle. What a win for you, and a great return on a seven dollar investment!

Please think this over and explain your customer service philosophy. I am documenting this conversation and look forward to your response.

Sigil Scent <info@sigilscent.com> Wed, Oct 27, 2021 at 2:51 PM
To: Joanne Wolf
HI Joanne,

I hope you’re having a great afternoon.

I’ll answer your questions below in-line. Please let us know if there’s anything else we can do for you.

Have a great rest of your week.

Sigil

Joanne Wolf    Wed, Oct 27, 2021 at 3:09 PM
To: Sigil Scent <info@sigilscent.com>
I am having a super great afternoon! So nice of you to mention it. I won’t take a screenshot for you. Simply order a sample and watch what happens. A full bottle is added with a total of $140 or something. You need to uncheck the full bottle that you did not ask for! May we not be honest here?

regarding my negative review: it is sincere and not the result of a threat. I see that you don’t show a single negative review…dishonest and no help to the consumer.

I do think that others should be warned about your hostile and deceitful practices and will do my best to get the word out. Not a threat but merely an honest effort to spare others this unpleasant experience.

You have a blessed day, okay?

love,
Joanne

Sigil Scent <info@sigilscent.com> Wed, Oct 27, 2021 at 5:34 PM
To: Joanne Wolf
Thank you, Joanne.

I’ve tried to replicate the issue but am unable to do so. My guess is you did have a full size in your cart. Nothing can be added there without the customer choosing to add to cart.

You’re our first review below 3 stars! We just launched reviews on October 1.

We’ve been very thorough in our explanations and answers to all your concerns about our policies, your checkout experience, etc. Let us know if we can do anything else for you. Have a great week and weekend ahead.

Cheers,
Sigil

Joanne Wolf    Wed, Oct 27, 2021 at 6:52 PM
To: Sigil Scent <info@sigilscent.com>
I do have one more concern re your policies: given the length of this correspondence, I’m wondering if it’s the principle, or the seven dollars that motivates you? Surely the time you’ve put in today was worth far more than $7, unless you’re a volunteer.

I hope you’re having a great evening and that every single day henceforth brings you rapture and personal fulfillment. Top that!

yours sincerely,
Joanne

[days pass, during which, Karen-like, I write to the fragrance website where I first encountered Sigil scents, and advised them of my bad experience]

 

Sigil Scent <info@sigilscent.com> Tue, Nov 2, 2021 at 10:56 AM
To: Joanne Wolf
Hi Joanne,

I hope you’ve been having a great week so far. Happy autumn.

Your concern was escalated to our leadership and we were able to make a small quality of life improvement to our checkout experience. So now the mini-cart more clearly displays the variant name of the sample, not just when you get to the payment processing/cart confirmation view.

Anyway, all this to say we probably wouldn’t have caught this for a while without you mentioning the confusion you experienced.

So we wanted to send along a $50 digital gift card. 🙂 You’ll receive an email with that info shortly. I hope this helps. Thanks again for being so understanding and thorough in your explanations before.

Cheers,
Sigil

Joanne Wolf    Thu, Nov 4, 2021 at 2:35 PM
To: Sigil Scent <info@sigilscent.com>
What a delightful outcome to this tawdry conflict! My quality of life has definitely risen a notch or two by your timely attention to the website glitch.

I can’t wait to try the fragrance I intended to buy in the first place!

Wishing you an abundant autumn and a joyous Diwali, followed by a bountiful Thanksgiving, a healthy Hanukkah and a magnificent Christmas to celebrate His birth.

Very very sincerely yours,
Joanne Wolf

Posted in irritants, revenge, Words | Tagged , , | 7 Comments

Kyrsten Sinema: Cunt or Nutcase?™

Posted on October 27, 2021 by Sister Wolf

If it were just her clothes….I’d still hate her! But it’s so much more, as we’ve all learned, to our sorrow and frustration.

Did you know that a Senate rule was changed JUST FOR KYRSTEN, that allowed her to show her bare arms on the senate floor? Kyrsten is a triathlete, so she needs to show them. I’m not making this up; Amy Klobuchar helped pass the new rule on this basis.

Would it be a cheap shot to denigrate those arms? Or to say that she’s no Michelle Obama, armwise? Fine. I won’t say it.

Ordinarily, it would be wrong to judge political figures based on their clothing choices, but Kyrsten is demanding that we react. With the denim vest, she is openly trolling us. She is saying, “You think I’m a piece of work? Ha, try THIS!” So if she’s failed to capture one single person’s attention, now she has it.

This bitch is a mean one. Why won’t she let us move ahead…she doesn’t live in a coal state for fucksake. The Dems are wringing their hands about her but it’s not like she was a Trojan Horse. Look at the red flags!

Here she is at her swearing in.

She is clearly a Dom. She will hurt you. She wants to hurt you.

Here she is…I don’t know, you tell me.

Below, at the impeachment hearing. Caped crusader? Flying nun? Mighty Mouse?

 

More recently, at a couple of infrastructure meetings, she turns to florals, as if saying, “Fuck you all, next time I’ma wear pj’s.”

In case anyone is thinking sexism, no. Jim “gymnasium” Jordan is another outfit troll and he too is either a Cunt or a Nutcase™. Cunt, actually. If a man pursued attention via wacky get-ups as strenuously as Sinema does, we would ridicule him as well. In fact, I’d love to see some guy try it. (calling Lindsey!)

Once a member of the Green party, Sinema was ranked by GovTrack.us, (a nonpartisan organization that tracks government data and statistics) 47th on a conservative-to-liberal scale, which is based on lawmakers’ 2019 legislative records. Her response? Her decisions are “based on what’s right for Arizona, not on party politics.” She is to the right of Mitch McConnell! Jesus Christ with this woman! I can’t even can’t.

Okay, Cunt or Nutcase™, you decide. And enjoy her hair flipping below.

Posted in Celebrities, News, Words | Tagged , , , | 10 Comments

I Don’t Belong Here

Posted on October 24, 2021 by Sister Wolf

I was intrigued by an essay positing that people with autism experience identity differently from neurotypicals. The writer had surveyed thousands of people in online groups, asking the simple question, Who are you?

I didn’t really care about or agree with the writer’s theory but I was prompted to ask myself the question.

Who am I? My mind went blank. It briefly sampled a few images of myself and then rejected all of them, probably in less than five seconds, before I landed on an answer.

I’m a weirdo.

This response surprised and upset me, but there it is, that’s what I came up with. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? etc.

Just a few days earlier, I’d expressed my sadness at losing various identities that had once provided a sense of cohesive existence. I no longer identity as a mother. I no longer think of myself as a writer. I used to think of myself as a Badass; “You don’t know who you’re fucking with” used to be my attitude toward the world. That self is long gone. I’m just too broken to fight off aggressors or most of the time, even idiots. And finally, old age has ruined my identity as someone who is attractive and fuckable.

Losing these different identities is like losing layers of my very being, leaving me with nothing. So I was grateful to find this comment in response to the Who Are You essay:

Having had my most fundamental sense of ‘self’ identity dismantled, or demolished, several times throughout my life, I feel as if the older I get, the more ‘nothing’ I become. I often feel I am just a thing that happens, a consciousness floating untethered in space. Notions of personal history or identification with any description feel irrelevant. There is nothing transcendent or liberating about it, and it can be very discombobulating. What interests me more than identity is what remains in its absence….

YES. I could never have expressed this as lucidly! But the nothing I’ve become still struggles for answers to everything, in particular answers about itself.

My whole life has been overshadowed by the mystery of What’s Wrong With Me. I’ve read that this is the result of childhood trauma, but who knows. It makes sense that if your parents or caretakers reject you, your lovability will always be in doubt (and therefore, What’s Wrong With Me?) It’s such a poignant situation, isn’t it? Well, it’s poignant when it’s about someone else. For me, it has been a fucked up, desperate preoccupation that’s led to countless suppositions. Genetic depression, Pathological Demand Avoidance, ASD, Avolition, PTSD, and of course Girly Brain. All these conditions probably apply, which still leaves me nowhere but gives me an excuse when I need one. Now, when I do something stupid or can’t figure out how to open something, I just shrug and smugly announce, “Autistic!”

Reducing myself to a weirdo is certainly destabilizing, a word that now crops up everywhere but still serves a useful purpose, unlike “intention” and “intentionality”. Maybe since words still affect me so intensely, I can say I’m a weirdo with a thing about words. That works, don’t you think?

Meanwhile, when I’m not wondering What’s wrong with me, I’m wondering what’s wrong with everybody else. My hair person was complaining about her sister, who I’ve never met but analyzed as harboring a primal jealousy toward her younger sibling. I recently explained to my dermatologist, who was going on about her anxiety, that she had “boundary issues”! Try saying that with a straight face! Last night I explained to my husband that his inability to control an outcome was the source of his distress. I am an endless font of this shit. I will tell you what’s wrong with you EVEN IF YOU DON’T ASK!

I would really love everyone to ask themselves Who are you? and then tell me your spontaneous answer. Any other weirdos out there? *And don’t try getting away with cognito ergo sum unless you’re Descartes.

Posted in Disorders, grief, Words | Tagged , , , | 7 Comments

MTV Awards Pop Culture Quiz

Posted on September 13, 2021 by Sister Wolf

I’m sorry but I can’t do my annual exegesis. I kept missing key performances/debacles, but I saw enough to inspire this quiz. Ready?

1. What is the difference between Machine Gun Kelly and Travis Barker?

2. Why is Doja Cat?

3. Olivia Rodrigo is trying to
a. be Taylor Swift
b. be Alanis Morissette
c. annoy the fuck out of me

4. Madonna has
a. morphed into Mae West
b. morphed into Bette Davis
c. lost her mind
d. a thing with her butt

5. Lil Naz X is payback for
a. WAP
b. homophobia
c. our collective sins

6. Travis Scott forgot to thank
a. God
b. his Mama
c. Kylie Jenner
d. Travis Barker
e. Who is Travis Scott? Is he the same as ASAP Rocky?

7. Justin Bieber won artist of the year because
a. you tell me
b. what????
c. Covid

8. Kid Laroi and Jack Harlow are
a. a couple of dudes
b. a couple
c. bank robbers

9. Camila Cabello even irritates my otherwise nonjudgmental husband because of her
a. mediocrity
b. air of importance
c. chunky legs

10. The show’s most noteworthy butt belonged to
a. Chloe
b. That twerking woman with a blond wig whose name I still can’t find out
c. duh, Madge

I watch this show every year because I
a. want to see what the kids are up to
b. feel I owe it to you
c. enjoy being horrified
d. don’t know right from wrong
e. respect tradition
f. feel less-than
e. have no common sense
f. need stuff to sneer at
g. am mentally ill

Okay, let me know how you do. But first, please enjoy Bieber’s acceptance speech! Just trust me on this.

Posted in Celebrities, irritants, News | Tagged , , | 3 Comments

Pro-Choice and No Choice

Posted on September 5, 2021 by Sister Wolf

News of the crazy new restrictions to abortion rights in Texas has triggered memories of the abortion I had at seventeen. I’d been living in London for a little over a year and I was deep into a relationship with a 21 year old student. I don’t remember what I was doing for birth control, but it obviously didn’t work.

I remember bring surprised, but pleased. I think I thought it was romantic to be a teenage mother, and it awakened my urge to nurture. As an unloved kid, I harbored the fantasy of a loving mother-child bond. At first the boyfriend adjusted to the idea of fatherhood and said he was up for it. But then he changed his mind. I had to have an abortion, or we were through.

I called my mom in California, and asked her if I could move back in with her and have the baby. She whined, “Can’t you get him to marry you?” She wasn’t up for it either. So the boyfriend  arranged an abortion with his family doctor, and I went to have the procedure in a daze, courtesy of the National Health system. You know the phrase “railroaded into” something? I was railroaded into the abortion.

I awoke from the anesthesia in a recovery room, next to a few other girls in hospital beds. The boyfriend came to visit me later in the day, and sat on my bed. But he couldn’t stop ogling the girl next to me, who wore some kind of sexy baby doll pajamas. I struggled miserably to get his attention. He informed me that a guy we knew had overdosed and died.

Fifty years later, I recall my hurt feelings as if it were yesterday. Why do our painful moments have to cling like this, to be etched so deeply that they can come to life in a flash? Why don’t our happy moments flood our brains like the bad ones? When my Mexican-American mother-in-law was 103 years old, she still recalled the little girl who called her a “beaner” in elementary school, and told me the story again and again.

I am staunchly pro-choice like any normal person, but it occurs to me that at 17, I didn’t have a choice. No one offered me one. I didn’t have the money to take care of myself, and my boyfriend threatened to leave me. I think I should have had a choice, even though I was not equipped for motherhood. It still bothers me.

Many years later, I was unhappily married and having an affair with an amiable stoner who was good at sex and had a lot of free time. I was horrified to find my self pregnant, evidently still a moron about birth control. Having the stoner’s baby was unthinkable. I had a young child at home. And my husband would find out about the affair.

So I went to have an abortion from a doctor who asked me when I showed up, “What’s the matter with you? You look depressed.” Afterwards, I had to get home before my husband returned from work. To my furious contempt, he never noticed that I lied on the couch all evening, barely able to contain my “discomfort” as they say in the medical trade. What a fucking dope. He was the same guy who railroaded me when I was seventeen.

That second time, I was very depressed but not in any doubt about the decision I’d made. I wouldn’t want to imagine a world where I would be forced to have that stoner’s baby. It’s just unthinkable.

Girls and women should have real choices  about whether or not to get pregnant and whether or not to go forward with a pregnancy. It should be their decision alone to make. Ideally, no one would be as stupid or lax about birth control as I was, but things happen. Fetuses aren’t babies and seeds aren’t trees. If the pro-life people would adopt all the world’s unwanted children, disabled or starving or orphaned, then we might take them seriously.

As it is, we all know that the unborn are way more important to them than the born.

Girls, my best advice is to find a means of birth control you can live with, keep some Plan B handy, and stay away from guys who won’t have your back in your worst moments. Wait, also remember to vote sane people into office, or you end up with Gregg Abbot, Kristy “I’m Batshit Crazy” Noem, and Ron DeSantis, who in a better world would all have been aborted before or after the sixth week.

If you have a story you want to share, step right up. xo

 

 

 

 

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It’s a Wild World.

Posted on August 27, 2021 by Sister Wolf

A zoo in Antwerp has asked a woman to stop visiting the chimpanzee she claims to be in love with, in the hope of forcing the chimp to engage with his own species.

Alice Timmermans has been seeing, I mean visiting, the chimp for four years, standing outside his enclosure and exchanging air kisses with him. She says they are in a relationship, and who are we to argue with her? Zoo authorities say the relationship is turning the chimp into an outcast among his peers, who are starting to avoid him.

Alice has taken to social media to protest the zoo’s ban, insisting that the chimp loves her and characterizing their relationship as an affair. The 39 year old chimp has lived at the zoo for thirty years, after his owner surrendered him for “behavior issues.”

Listen, chimpanzees only have a lifespan of around 40 years. WHY CAN’T THEY LET HIM BE HAPPY??

Let him have a private enclosure where he and Alice can continue dating. They may be ready to take the relationship to the next level; it’s been four years, after all. Why this speciesism, Antwerp Zoo? Should we start a Move On petition for Alice and Chita the chimp?? Or a GoFundMe to pay for her to file a lawsuit? The heart wants what it fucking wants, don’t forget, as if we could.

Meanwhile, in Loango National Park, chimpanzees in the wild have started attacking gorillas, behavior that anthropologists have never seen before. Until now, interaction between the two species has been peaceful, even playful on occasion. But these chimps formed coalitions and attacked the gorillas, killing the infants who were separated from their mothers. Fuckers! What is their goddamn problem? Are they mad because they want affairs with attractive humans? Are they sick of being discussed in the media? Can’t we all get along??

Maybe we can.

A lion sanctuary in Harrismith, South Africa, is placing visitors inside Plexiglas cages stationed at the center of the lions’ lair, granting animal enthusiasts a palm-to-paw encounter with their menagerie of 77 rescued big cats.


Tourists are locked inside a “professional photography cage” for 45 minutes, paying around $150 for the chance to snap close-range pictures of the lions as they claw at the enclosure’s acrylic walls. The [cage] is regularly checked by an engineer to ensure it can safely carry the weight (up to 570 pounds) should a lion jump on top of it. And the round breathing holes in the plexiglass cage are “totally safe.”


Hahaha! Totally safe, famous last words.

Isn’t it too binary to have “people” and “animals”? Some people are barely human, and some animals are good people: witness my dog, Boris. Maybe we should reconsider who to fear and who to love.

Or maybe those lions should get together and crush that plastic cage, eat the tourists, and start dating chimps, but not the ones in Loango National Park. Those fuckers are way out of order.

Posted in Disorders, Horrible Stuff, love, News | Tagged , , | 3 Comments