This morning I said “I hate you” to my toothpaste, and I meant it. Every time I use it, the tube needs to be unclogged. It’s been a while since I last said I Hate You to an inanimate object, although I scream it at the TV several times a day. Alternating with “Just DIE already!”
I remembered writing something I called a Hatefest, and when I found it, I was impressed by how comprehensive it is. I know for a fact that I’m still as full of hate, if not more so, than when I wrote it. But my powers of recall and word retrieval are shit. Yesterday I couldn’t remember the word for lint, and tried “fluff” instead.
But back to hate, I am suspicious of people who claim not to hate anyone. Ever. Have you encountered these people? I’ve married two of them. They maintain that hatred is unknown to them. They dislike people, yes, but don’t hate. I used to imagine their mommies admonishing them as children, “No, we never hate! We dislike.” I remember a childhood friend whose mom told us, “We don’t say ‘I’m mad’! Say ‘I’m aggravated!'”
But these non-haters insist that it’s not that; it’s just an emotion they don’t experience. My latest theory is that they hate as much as us haters, but they just name it something else, like anger or revulsion or something. It’s just semantics.
(Unless it’s alexithymia, i.e. the inability to express or identify your emotions, a whole other story.)
If you can’t name at least 5 people you hate, just go away. Or get a note from your doctor.
Let the Hatefest begin!
Taylor Swift
Swiftees
Madonna
The Row
Laura Ingraham
Laura Trump
IvankaTrump
Jared Kushner
Imagine Dragons
That guy in the Strokes
J. Lo
the word “cropped” when applied to clothing
“how’s that working for you?”
Tom Ford
John Hamm
flavored coffee
Mitch McConnell
pro-lifers
butterfly tattoos
new words for homeless
Shein
proving I’m not a robot
Cormac McCarthy
Golden Goose sneakers
The Kardashians
David Duchovny
duck lips
my ex-husband
TikTok
memes
Chihuahuas
celebrity interviews
“got any plans for the weekend?”
Anna Wintour
Jack Harlow
Noam Chomsky
Anais Nin
Star Wars
MAGA
erectile dysfunction commercials
Steely Dan
people who call their dogs “rescues”
celebrities named Hailey
that awful guy who was married to Lisa Bonet
Doja Cat
Coco Chanel
hard seltzer
people who drink hard seltzer
That’s it for starters.
What did I leave out?
I hate a few people and things on your list. But my hate list, however, is people I’ve known over the course of my life that have done really bad things to me. And to be perfectly honest, when one of them dies, which has happened, I am happy. Why? Because there is no reason to do really bad things unprovoked to people. I don’t kill them, they just have bad luck (maybe bad Karma?) so fuck them.
Elon Musk?
Jordan Peterson and his daughter?
Joe Rogan?
Oprah?
RFK Jr.?
Too many more to count….but love your list Sister!
Rihanna!
My father used to say most people aren’t worth the powder to blow them to hell. I’m pretty well conditioned to hate a few people. Your list is pretty great!
Blythe Danner kinda bugs me too. I’ll say I hate her if adds to the festivities.
Tom Isenberg – Fuck them, yes! How nice that some of your Hated Ones had the good manners to die. Besides my ex, I can only think of two others who need to die, and if karma was real, they’d be dead ten times over.
Betty Lagogianes – Sure, I’ll sign on to all of them, it would be wrong to not hate them. Thanks for reminding me! Let’s ad Dr. Phil and Doctor Oz, okay?
Alison – I love Rihanna! But I respect your right to hate her. Blythe Danner, sure! Isn’t she the mother of Gwyneth P? She should be hated on that count alone.
Do you love Rihanna because she can see out of her eyes on both sides of her head at the same time? Or because she’s enviously and massively confident? I don’t even know her music, that’s not what I’m going on here- I think she looks like she would hate me first, so it’s a preemptive hate.
Yes, Blythe spawned the tiresome GP.
You made a good start. My contribution to the hate list:
The Doors
Any and all past and future Housewives
Nepo babies, do any of them have the ability to make it on their own?
Republicans
Jimmy Fallon
I’ve had it with bro and dude, already. Can we just go back to man? If bro can apply to anybody, can’t man? Like it used to? Please, man?
I hate all the cooking people who scream and humiliate and ridicule. Prepared With Hate!
I hate hate hate kudzu. If you don’t know what that is, look it up. Look up ‘kudzu monster’ inages. My back yard is full of the shit, climbing up on my roof. It never dies.
I hate people who think THEY don’t have cockroaches. Everybody in the fucking world has them, the best you can do is keep the population down.
Put me down for Jordan Peterson and Joe Rogan, too. Might as well throw in Elon.
I hate whatever bunch of nitwits think ALL cars’ drivers’ seats sit 20 feet above the damn ground when they shape the bushes at the ends of parking lot rows. Not everybody has a goddam aerial view, and smaller cars (they still exist!!) have NO visibility around or over the stupid massive hedges to see if some assault vehicle is about to slam into them!
Lips plumped up way beyond what a face can support, hate that.
The State of Texas….born, raised, and filled with hate..hate Ted Cruz…hate Governor Greg Abbott, his minions Dan Patrick, Ken Paxton, and his partner in crime Angela Paxton….the state of the state is so bad my sister will not even move back here….
Alison – LOL the eyes! Her confidence is part of her attraction for sure. But it’s her style that really gets me. She can make anything look good, imo, like a huge man’s suit with a diamond necklace. She has always seemed so original in her style choices, kind of a glamorous gangster look that I envy.
Marla Griffith – The Doors is an interesting choice. They sound so dated now but in the 60s, they were the soundtrack of many of my acid trips. John Densmore once came over and we had tense words over the book he was reading, “Iron John”! Jimmy Fallon, god, so nauseating.
Susie Mimnaugh – Yep, Texas is full of villains. Would a tsunami help??
Bevitron -I will sign on to all of that, with a special burning hatred for Elon. The lips are so tragic but I don’t expect them to end anytime soon. They are now deforming such young faces, too!
I will always be surprised you hate David D, and now Steely Dan? But we do agree on the rest!
My list, added to yours minus DD and SD:
Meghan McCain
Megan Markle
Bella Hadid
Ariana Grande
Ozempic
Any dog breed that ends in “doodle”
Scott Baio
Ex Smokers
Ex Drinkers
Pocketsound – Re David D: have you seen the show “Californication”? The most sickening attempt at sophistication I have ever seen. Their idea of adult comedy is to say clitoris every ten seconds. But YES, your list is wonderful, Bela Hadid and Ariana Grande! HATE! The Ozempic song will never leave my brain and really, I should sue them.
I absolutely love Californication, but then again, I am a bit illiterate and moronic in a fun way. I still don’t think you gave it a chance. Please watch the whole Season 1, best consumed with a glass of wine. There are many references to pick up on besides clits.
Sister Wolf – I last-minute took my daughter to Taylor Swift and it was the most fun I’ve had in fucking YEARS. And I wore my Golden Gooses. Sue me! Seems I can like these things and you at the same time. I agree with everything else on your list, especially Madonna. I mean, what is happening with that. Jordan and Mikayla Peterson are top of my list as well. They are polluting humankind.
Let me add:
Non alcoholic wine
Gwyneth Paltrow – I think I’d feel happiness if she died (hi Tom)
Gaslighting
Wealthy white men of mediocre intelligence and an inflated sense of importance
Lindsey Graham
Brett Cavanaugh
John Roberts
Amy Coney Barrett
Ron DeSantis
Teal Swan – GAH!
Lindsay – I’m glad that you and your daughter had fun! Fun is what matters! AND! Your hate additions are so wonderful. Teal Swan–what a fucking, fucking cunt.
Your list and mine line up almost completely, but can I add Alex Jones?
And here’s a great product for you to review:
https://www.saksfifthavenue.com/product/balenciaga-trash-bag-large-pouch-0400018994324.html
“Noam Chomsky & Anais Nin” — haha!
I hate too many things to even list.
Cat – Jesus Christ with that bag!!!!! Thank you! Alex Jones, yes; a stupid oversight!
Anners – Oh come on, top five??
I’ve been making hate lists since 1979, when I was six years old. I love hate lists.
I hate the way Anais Nin is always “rouging [her] sex.” I refuse to believe that calling your pussy “your sex” is some issue with translation from the French. I think Anais was using whatever word is most annoying in FRENCH too. Plus, you know, Henry Miller.
Merry Christmas Sis!!! I hope you have some fun even if hating shit is the best way to go about it! Creativity knows no boundaries! Missing your writing, hope there’s more coming x
Mary – Aw, thank you so much! So sweet of you. Merry Christmas to you too! xo
cartoonbear – I just saw your comment and YES, godammit! Hate! You make such excellent points. I went to your website and love it. I also have some of those tiny babies and like to arrange them in settings. Please write to me and let’s talk hate and tiny toy babies. xo