First of all, there were too many beards.

Jon Hamm, Jake Gillenhall, Ryan Reynolds, Ben Affleck, Dev Patel, go and shave already.

Donald Glover of Atlanta has a beard, but he gets a pass for being so cute and serious and funny and soft-spoken. And for wearing a brown velvet suit. Clearly, he’s an original. He can get away with a lot.

Casey Affleck upped the ante with a low man-bun, but he radiates an intensity that makes you want to forgive him. Almost. He also looks a little nuts, but in a good way. Not like his brother.

Timothy Olyphant was clean shaven but should go back to facial hair. If you didn’t watch Deadwood, you have no idea how attractive he used to be. He walks into a widow’s bedroom and quietly confesses, staring into her eyes,”I stand before you, a married man.” I still nearly pass out when I remember it.

Hugh Laurie won an award for some of the worst acting of all time. His over-the-top villain in The Night Manager was excruciating.

Tom Hiddelston (who had a sparse beard) won for the same series, with acting that was likewise an endurance test. Tom had the incredible bad manners to insist on telling a story about his trip to  South Sudan for the United Nations Children’s Fund. He boasted that the members of Doctors Without Borders had binge-watched The Night Manager, and then praised himself for providing relief and entertainment in “places where the world is broken.”

Are you kidding, you idiot?!? No wonder this douche dated Taylor Swift. I hope this is the last we hear of him.

Leo DiCaprio (bearded) is on the cusp of being too old and portly to play Leo DiCaprio. He didn’t add or detract anything with his appearance. It’s time for him to find the right model girl and settle down.

Then there is Ryan Gosling. Did he have a beard? I think so. I’m pretty sure. Who cares? He is the most charming man on earth. Let’s just thank him for existing.  He is so delectable that I’m going to excuse him for thanking his “lady.” Maybe he thinks “wife” isn’t romantic enough. No one else may say “lady” though, ever.

In general, there were too few men of color. Mahershala Ali, I saw you and I approve, but we need some more brothers up on the stage.

Finally, can I say that Jimmy Fallon ruins everything? May he spend eternity stuck in a room with Tom Hiddleston.

*Let me know if I forgot anything important.

Douches are easy to come by, but look how special they are when you have three. See here to refresh your memory.

Here’s a good one I found last week:

By ‘good’ I mean fulfilling most of the requirements, although he lacks a beard and those things in his ear-holes.

I’d like to have a point system for rating douches, like hunters have for deer, with 10 being the perfect score.

Neck tettoo
Beard
Shaved back of the head
Cigarette
Ear plug or septum ring
Sullen expression
Knuckle tattoo

Shit! That’s only seven. What attributes am I missing? Or should a full beard get extra points?

Please help. It’s for science.