The Men of The Golden Globes

the men of the golden globes

First of all, there were too many beards.

Jon Hamm, Jake Gillenhall, Ryan Reynolds, Ben Affleck, Dev Patel, go and shave already.

Donald Glover of Atlanta has a beard, but he gets a pass for being so cute and serious and funny and soft-spoken. And for wearing a brown velvet suit. Clearly, he’s an original. He can get away with a lot.

Casey Affleck upped the ante with a low man-bun, but he radiates an intensity that makes you want to forgive him. Almost. He also looks a little nuts, but in a good way. Not like his brother.

Timothy Olyphant was clean shaven but should go back to facial hair. If you didn’t watch Deadwood, you have no idea how attractive he used to be. He walks into a widow’s bedroom and quietly confesses, staring into her eyes,”I stand before you, a married man.” I still nearly pass out when I remember it.

Hugh Laurie won an award for some of the worst acting of all time. His over-the-top villain in The Night Manager was excruciating.

Tom Hiddelston (who had a sparse beard) won for the same series, with acting that was likewise an endurance test. Tom had the incredible bad manners to insist on telling a story about his trip to  South Sudan for the United Nations Children’s Fund. He boasted that the members of Doctors Without Borders had binge-watched The Night Manager, and then praised himself for providing relief and entertainment in “places where the world is broken.”

Are you kidding, you idiot?!? No wonder this douche dated Taylor Swift. I hope this is the last we hear of him.

Leo DiCaprio (bearded) is on the cusp of being too old and portly to play Leo DiCaprio. He didn’t add or detract anything with his appearance. It’s time for him to find the right model girl and settle down.

Then there is Ryan Gosling. Did he have a beard? I think so. I’m pretty sure. Who cares? He is the most charming man on earth. Let’s just thank him for existing.  He is so delectable that I’m going to excuse him for thanking his “lady.” Maybe he thinks “wife” isn’t romantic enough. No one else may say “lady” though, ever.

In general, there were too few men of color. Mahershala Ali, I saw you and I approve, but we need some more brothers up on the stage.

Finally, can I say that Jimmy Fallon ruins everything? May he spend eternity stuck in a room with Tom Hiddleston.

*Let me know if I forgot anything important.

 

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7 Responses to The Men of The Golden Globes

  1. Romeo says:

    “Hugh Laurie won an award for some of the worst acting of all time. His over-the-top villain in The Night Manager was excruciating.”

    It was the acting equivalent of his piano playing.

  2. Blighty says:

    “Leo DiCaprio (bearded) is on the cusp of being too old and portly to play Leo DiCaprio. He didn’t add or detract anything with his appearance. It’s time for him to find the right model girl and settle down.” Brilliant! And spot on!

  3. Connie says:

    Oh Sister Wolf! You are the best. Tom Hiddleston and Jimmy Fallon in a room together.
    True hell.

  4. .5Mark-E says:

    Jimmy Fallon? That feckless turd who attempted to humanize Trump a few weeks before the election?

    Thank you for watching. I couldn’t because of the aforementioned feckless turd.

  5. eekahil says:

    Speaking of Hugh Laurie being dreadful, “Chance” is execrable.

    What’s more, I keep thinking about how he used to bellyache about living in LA , counting the days House would end so he could go back home to England w his family.

    Also, grumpy Drs, one-syllable titles. Blech.

  6. Bevitron says:

    I love the phrase “feckless turd.”

  7. Dj says:

    I hate man boys like jimmy Fallon, juvenile, constantly a running joke..I miss the coolness of late night, Johnny when he still smoked, sophisticated humor, grown ups..sick of 40 year old frat boys…didn’t watch the globes….

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