In my desperation for contact with kindred spirits, I joined Meetup.com with the idea of finding a social group in my community that I could join.

You punch in your zip-code and you’re presented with a bunch of categories to click on.

There’s arts and culture, fitness, career, health and wellness, hobbies and crafts, etc.

It wasn’t long before I realized that I don’t like to do anything! It came to me like a bolt of lightening, even though you’d think I would know myself by now.

Hiking, no. Goddess Women, no. Yoga at sunrise, nope. Watercolor, no. Spiritual living, beginning motorcycle, exploring pubs, paper crafts, games, improv, no no no.

THERE I S NOTHING ON EARTH I WANT TO DO.

I complained to my husband and I complained on Facebook. Where’s the stuff I like? What about sitting around complaining? Where are the people who enjoy that? I can’t be the only one, right?

So a couple of days ago, I went to my own group called “Wandering around Nordstrom,” and talked to a beautiful young Russian emigre who works in cosmetics. She was willing to help me look for a product whose name I forgot by a brand I wasn’t sure about. She had beautiful long hair and a nice accent that she let me try to imitate. I fucking loved her!

We admitted to being kind of isolated in our new communities. So I told her about my effort to find a social group. She had tried that, too. We mused about forming a group to talk about fashion and hair. I added complaining and she was down for that too.

Feeling inspired, I went home and began to start a new group at Meetup. I was pretty happy with my description of ‘Fashion, Hair, and Complaining’, and clicked on ‘finish.’

They wanted $9.99 a month to list my group. Deal-breaker.

Somehow, that ruins it for me. That would be like buying friends, almost. I can’t stoop that low, even though I’ve stooped much lower on countless occasions. But still. I logged out in disgust.

Now they’ve sent me an offer to start a group at half-price.

Are they testing my principles? Or just trying to see how cheap I am?

Please advise.

Remember the Benefit Incident, and the pathetic correspondence that ensued between me and Patricia, the company’s US Customer Care Manager?

Well, I wrote back to Patricia, turning on the ol’ Sister Wolf charm:

Good evening Patricia,

Your reply makes no sense. After patiently waiting for 8 days, I am dismayed by your inability to provide any response to my concerns. How can the regional manager help me by discussing anything with “the beauty adviser.”   Which beauty adviser are you referring to? I didn’t even identify the store where this happened!

Patricia, here is the plan. You will want to convey to me Benefit’s ACTUAL POLICY regarding its sales techniques and whether it is considered acceptable to physically accost a potential customer.

That way, my readers may be assured that it is safe to approach a Benefit cosmetics counter.

Finally, you may want to offer me some of your products, with an emphasis on red lipsticks, to compensate me for my considerable distress at the hands of your assaultive sales representative.

I am prepared to follow up with your superiors if necessary.

Sincerely disappointed,

XXXXXX Wolf

Patricia phoned me the very next morning. She explained that the Benefit sales associates are supposed to direct traffic to their counter, but not to slop the product on without asking. She assured me that they want the cosmetics shopping experience to be almost like a party. I made some idiotic and reckless analogy that I won’t repeat, and we said goodby after Patricia promised to pop some red lipstick in the mail for me.

Isn’t that nice?

The lipsticks have arrived: Flirt Alert, and Frenched. One is a clear soft red, and the other a deep cranberry color. I have judged them to be somehow inferior, so I want to pass them on to you, the faithful reader! I will even pay for shipping in the US. We can haggle over shipping if you live somewhere else.

To enter the contest to own these brand new, unused but   somehow inferior lipsticks, just explain in your comment why you want them.   The best explanation wins!

** For a look at the best customer complaint letter ever written in the history of the world, go here.