On my mental list of shit I wish I could buy, the most persistent craving is also the most inappropriate: leather shorts.

I can’t think of another fashion purchase that would be more inappropriate, except maybe a romper. (Sorry about the word “romper.”)

No one wants to see Grandma in leather shorts! Even though I’m not anyone’s grandma, I could be. And that alone makes it wrong. It doesn’t matter what kind of legs I have, it’s the mutton dressed as lamb thing. And yet, every time I see a nice pair of leather shorts, I get all excited and start clicking on sizes, as if I might actually buy them. The only person I can think of who should wear leather shorts is Queen Michelle. Otherwise, they are only suitable for prostitutes and Chloe Sevigny.

What is your current most inappropriate fashion craving? Don’t be shy: All confessions will result in immediate absolution!

I know, you all love Madonna. You love her dance hits, you admire her for ‘reinventing’ herself, maybe even for being a survivor in the fickle world of pop music. And you think she looks GREAT for 50!

God, I hate Madonna. Just like my tattoo says, ma haine dure. I saw a video clip from her recent show and wow, she was a sight to behold. She looked to me like a grandma doing calisthenics. She seemed a little winded as she lip synced into the mic, but who wouldn’t, from all that exercise!

To be fair, I should commend Madonna for being a fit granny, because many grannies just let themselves go. But I see her turning into Mae West right before my eyes, and no one seems to want to mention this.

Here’s an offer: I will put on a track suit and jump around while lip syncing the song of your choice, for only $19.99. If you call now, I will throw in some weight-lifting tips, too. I guarantee that I’ll look younger than Madge, if not quite as muscular. I’ll even put on a fake English accent!