Mrs. Palin’s longtime hair stylist, Jessica Steele, is in deep shit.

After telling the New York Times that Mrs. P’s hair was thinning and needed emergency help, she retracted this bombshell on Twitter, obviously afraid for her life and the safety of her family.

Not wishing to be busted for running a meth lab, Ms. Steele now tells the Boston Globe that the real emergency re Palin’s hair is that it had lost its shine.

“I think [it’s] the combination of traveling and just being down there in the lower 48. We needed to get her back to shiny.’

She reveals that she trimmed Mrs. Palin’s hair and then “kicked up’’ her shampoo and conditioner a notch.

According to Ms. Steele, who will have to retract this ASAP if she knows what’s good for her, Mrs. Palin left the salon with a bottle of shampoo and conditioner by the elitist socialist brand Pureology, at $48 each.

Looking into our Magic PAP-Smear Crystal Ball , I see trouble brewing for everyone concerned in this Hairgate fiasco.     Mrs. P will not be able to justify spending that kind of money on hair products to those real Americans who share her real American values and want to progress this great country with its vast energy resources and healthy salmon, etc etc.

She will have to either blame this on her PAC fund or maybe on some blogger just sittin’ home in their stained undershirt [I was described this way be a conservative blog that didn’t like my use of the word “cunt’ for some reason.)

Or Jessica Steele will mysteriously disappear. Run, Jessica Steele, run like the wind!

While we await the next Hairgate development, let us enjoy the fact that Pureology proudly supports Global Green USA, good friends of the Sister Wolf family who operate under the assumption that global warming actually exists and isn’t just a Liberal Media concoction like evolution.

On an even more personal note: Haha Mrs. Palin, I live in one of the lower 48 and my hair is shiny AND thick!

Even though Mrs. Palin has an Agenda against me (see above) I am big-hearted enough to want to help Bristol, who is innocent of sin, mostly.

According to reports, Bristol and Levi have split up, and it isn’t pretty. His sister Mercede tells the sordid tale to The Star, conveniently forgetting to explain why her name is lacking the customary ‘s’ at the end of it.

Bristol doesn’t want anything more to do with Levi. Looking at this photo from The Star, I’m not surprised. The baby looks terrified, and rightly so. A man who has to tattoo his last name on his arm in huge block letters is a man with either a memory problem or a spelling problem.   Wait, I think the spelling problem is genetic!

Okay, it’s up to us to devise a plan for Bristol, now that she’s a single mom. Here are my ideas:

1. Bristol can sell her book “My Mom is a Cunt Who Ruined My Life” for $10 mil.
2. Bristol can run away and change her name, leaving Trip with Trig, Track, etc.
3. Bristol can move in with me and we’ll get our high school diplomas together.
4. Bristol can run the Johnston meth lab with Levi’s mother while Levi heads back into the woods to do whatever it is he does.

Which plan do you support, or is there a batter one? Please help Bristol, who didn’t know nothin’ ’bout condoms or birthin’ babies!