Operation Bristol Palin

Even though Mrs. Palin has an Agenda against me (see above) I am big-hearted enough to want to help Bristol, who is innocent of sin, mostly.

According to reports, Bristol and Levi have split up, and it isn’t pretty. His sister Mercede tells the sordid tale to The Star, conveniently forgetting to explain why her name is lacking the customary ‘s’ at the end of it.

Bristol doesn’t want anything more to do with Levi. Looking at this photo from The Star, I’m not surprised. The baby looks terrified, and rightly so. A man who has to tattoo his last name on his arm in huge block letters is a man with either a memory problem or a spelling problem.   Wait, I think the spelling problem is genetic!

Okay, it’s up to us to devise a plan for Bristol, now that she’s a single mom. Here are my ideas:

1. Bristol can sell her book “My Mom is a Cunt Who Ruined My Life” for $10 mil.
2. Bristol can run away and change her name, leaving Trip with Trig, Track, etc.
3. Bristol can move in with me and we’ll get our high school diplomas together.
4. Bristol can run the Johnston meth lab with Levi’s mother while Levi heads back into the woods to do whatever it is he does.

Which plan do you support, or is there a batter one? Please help Bristol, who didn’t know nothin’ ’bout condoms or birthin’ babies!

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17 Responses to Operation Bristol Palin

  1. Jools says:

    Is this a Cohen brothers movie? If not, may I suggest you write the screenplay? You could give Bristol a %.

  2. Mark says:

    I was thinking: Good for Bristol for having sex with that dumb redneck hunk. I hope she had tons of sex, and I hope she had many strong orgasms.

    Sadly, her future is this: Fat and dumb.

  3. arline says:

    One of my best friends has a dog named Bristol. It was one cool dog.

    Every time I see or hear that name, I think of the dog, which is much more interesting than Bristol, the spawn Palin.

    She could also go live with Octo mom, and form a commune.

  4. OMGGMAB says:

    Wherever she goes, she better take her baby Trig with her too.

    That won’t be confusing at school will it? “Is your name Trig or Tripp, Trig or Tripp, Trig or Tripp . . . ”

    Unfortunately, while it seems she may be better off without the dumb redneck hockey player, she’ll just pick up with someone just as bad. No hope unless she gets the hell out of the upper one and heads for the lower 48!

    Yes, I think Octomom is moving to a larger place. They’ll never notice Bristol and her two babies in the frey. She can move out when she gets the book advance.

  5. Ann says:

    Why limit herself? She should proceed with all 4 plans.

    Can we send out word to her, and have her join our Crazy Mother’s Club? She certainly qualifies….

  6. I think her first step is to get the hell out of Wasilla!

  7. dewayne says:

    maybe before she leaves, she could just burn the whole town to the ground.

    or, you know, she could just convert to islam and become a lesbian, thereby alienating her mom’s entire fan base.

    and yes, i do know that muslims frown on homosexuality more than christians do, but it doesn’t matter. she’s white.

    she can do pretty much whatever the fuck she wants.

  8. Dateline: 2012
    Foreign Secretary Bristol Palin asserts that ‘They haven’t gone away, you know. I can still see ’em from Mom’s old house.’ Secretary for The Fence Johnston states that it is all a y’alls right to bare arms. With names on them. Cos its wrote in the consituttion. Meanwhile the head of the CIA, Trog Palin, finds clear and inconvertible truth that whuppins of mass distinction have been found in Europe, especially around the French Paris, and is wonderin’ ya know, whether, hell, somebody shouldn’t do somethin about it.

    Hey, maybe it’s not reality, but with a little adjustment, it could be. All I’m sayin’.

  9. Winter Bird says:

    I vote meth lab.

  10. drollgirl says:

    ok, you gave me my one and only belly laugh of the day!

  11. Rudy Zarsov says:

    She could become a jeans designer. Her slogan could be
    “Bristol Jeans. They really piss on Levis”

  12. hammiesays says:

    I was with Octomum, until I saw rudy’s comment. But call them genes.

  13. Sister Wolf says:

    Jools – If only I could! I was obviously born to write it.

    Mark -How dare you! They don’t have orgasms in Alaska! Wash your mouth out!

    arline -YES, I forgot the Octomom tie-in! Thanks!

    OMGGMAB -Hahahahaha! You’re right!

    Ann -Okay, she can be in charge of the Jilted Brides Department.

    Nick -Thanks for keepin it real.

    Winter bird – A good choice.

    drollgirl – The Palins are always good for laughs, god bless them.

    Rudy – Hammie is right. Go and copyright that, asap.

  14. dewayne says:

    it seems that not smoking marijuana has rendered my posts un-replyable. i’m honored to be so offensive. helter skelter in the 21st century!

    seriously, i think it’s made me worse, and you’d figure it would keep me from saying some things because now i’m in my “right mind.”

    who knew? one more reason it should be legal.
    pray for me. i’ve only been clean for eight days. imagine what i’ll be like in a month!

    can you care so little about race that you become racist? in my opinion, racism is merely a symptom of some other problem, and the whole fucking world can’t get past analyzing the goddamn symptom to fix the disease, which i’m pretty sure is life.

    spay and neuter your relatives.

  15. Sister Wolf says:

    dewayne – NO, it’s ME, not you! I somehow skipped your comment when I was scrolling down….the senility is causing all kinds of problems. You will never by un-replyable, damn you. And why have you given up weed? xoxo

  16. dewayne says:

    i have to go to these classes for a dwi i got in 2006, and i’m pretty sure there will be urine tests…plus, i figured it would help me find a decent job.

    not to mention the fact that i’ve smoked almost every day for the past eight years. seemed like it would be a good idea to quit. try to get my life on some sort of track, right or wrong…i’ve been derailed for a long time.

  17. bathrooms says:

    Posts like this are what make the internet great, thanks for sharing.

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