If you’re not in a coma, you already know that you’ll be rocking some leather leggings this winter, no matter what. They sold out at Topshop in around five minutes, but too bad for you. You may have to buy the ones by the Olsen twins, or the ones by Rag and Bone. The leather leggings at net-a-porter are already sold out too, but you can get the equally slutty PVC leggings while you wait for a new shipment.

Here is an enticing description of them:

“Amp up your rock kudos with the cult-status Les Chiffoniers PVC leggings. A sleek pant which definitely calls for some serious stilettos!”

Personally, I am against marching in lock-step with the Fashion Nazis, even when the It Item is something I actually like. I hate being told what to do! Just ask my husband, or anyone I’ve ever worked for. And god knows I don’t want to amp up my rock kudos!

So I won’t be rocking the leather leggings. But how about rocking some sequin leggings instead?! They will go with anything in your wardrobe, especially if you’re an off-duty pole-dancer or a Las Vegas showgirl.

You can get them at Intermix. Or if you really want to get some attention, what about these “genie pants?”

You can get these hideous pants at Shopbop, where I feel so at home that the models are like old friends, only I hate them.

Were you worried that I forgot to mention Mrs. P, the bane of my existence? Well, worry not. Here is a brief round-up while you’re waiting for our Monday night PAP Smear meeting (and the new shipment of leather leggings….)

1. Mrs. P just got caught telling a great big ol’ lie! SNAP!
2. The First Dude is flouting the law in Alaska.
3. They even hate Mrs. P in Uganda! That bitch cuts a wide swath.
4. I have begin to crack the Palin Code! Bristol really means ‘pistol’ and Trig is short for ‘trigger!’ Isn’t this exciting! That’s as far as I got, but I know annemarie will work out the rest.

This is a quote from a piece about Mrs. P in the New York Times. I couldn’t agree more.

Surely your hair says something about how you perceive yourself and how you want to be perceived. Personally, I never liked to wear my hair up, because it would send the message that I was “trying.” I didn’t want to be thought of that way. Trying was okay if you succeeded, but trying was very sad if you failed.

Now, of course, I feel differently, thanks to Amy Winehouse. Wearing my hair in a beehive, I am making a whole new statement. I am saying, “Look! I’m not afraid of looking goofy! I won’t go to rehab, either!” It is empowering, not “trying.”

I know EXACTLY what that moron Palin is saying with her hair, and so do you! She is saying: “I could take this hair down and give you a lap dance, IF I FELT LIKE IT!” And every man with eyes in his head can read her message loud and clear.   You know who else hears it? Wig Salon.com.

Sadly, they don’t offer the Sarah Palin Style wig in brown with gold highlights, but they recommend trying it in Ginger Brown to get her look.

I know you’re getting sick of this subject, but try to hang on. Read this, I’m begging you, before you read anything else. If it doesn’t stir you to join Pap Smear or to some better form of political activism, you are beyond the prayers of Sister Wolf.

*UPDATE* You can now order you PAP Smear shirts and buttons here!

*UPDATE II* Note the new improved logo

People, we can thank our good friends Dr. Larue and Honeypants for this wonderful logo. Feel free to copy it and use it on all your official PAP Smear correspondence.

Now that we are up and running, let the office manager take the minutes for this meeting. Or whatever, don’t bother, I hate those things. Anyway, while Penisgate is still number one (no pun intended) on our agenda, I would like to go back and revisit Babygate.

Here is an intriguing group of photos which support the notion that Mrs. Palin is not Trigger’s real mommy. I know, I know, you feel kind of sheepish for ever buying into that ‘rumor,’ but I ask you to think again.

Remember all the times you watched Bush on TV and said “This can’t really be happening!” Or, remember how you learned in that documentary about Henry Kissinger that he ordered the bombing of Cambodia at the behest of Pepsi Cola? Stuff happens that our minds want to reject. Like the fact that Mrs. Palin believes in the End of Times, when all hell will break loose, literally?

Now that we have filled our executive and staff positions, we need to roll out our membership drive. Ideas?

We need to disseminate our facts and rumors starting now! There is no time to waste. Make sure to remind everyone you come in contact with that Mrs. Palin is a lying opportunist who can’t even sell a plane on eBay and wants to destroy the Alaskan wilderness, since she’s already had her fun killing things there.

Someone needs to get Patrick a stick, and we are waiting for Tobilynne to make her report. I can’t keep track of this shit, people, I am 55 years old and losing my memory at the speed of light. FIGHT WITH ME, as our own annemarie so eloquently urged us in a battle cry she borrowed from Grandpa!

Fight for freedom to learn about sex! Fight for the wolves and polar bears! Fight for the non-believers who don’t want to have to go to hell on Mrs. Palin’s watch! Fight for sanity! Fight that crazy bitch with all you’ve got, and never let it be said that you sat around and fiddled while an old Grandpa and a mean Church Lady took over the free world!