PAP Smear Official Business

*UPDATE* You can now order you PAP Smear shirts and buttons here!

*UPDATE II* Note the new improved logo

People, we can thank our good friends Dr. Larue and Honeypants for this wonderful logo. Feel free to copy it and use it on all your official PAP Smear correspondence.

Now that we are up and running, let the office manager take the minutes for this meeting. Or whatever, don’t bother, I hate those things. Anyway, while Penisgate is still number one (no pun intended) on our agenda, I would like to go back and revisit Babygate.

Here is an intriguing group of photos which support the notion that Mrs. Palin is not Trigger’s real mommy. I know, I know, you feel kind of sheepish for ever buying into that ‘rumor,’ but I ask you to think again.

Remember all the times you watched Bush on TV and said “This can’t really be happening!” Or, remember how you learned in that documentary about Henry Kissinger that he ordered the bombing of Cambodia at the behest of Pepsi Cola? Stuff happens that our minds want to reject. Like the fact that Mrs. Palin believes in the End of Times, when all hell will break loose, literally?

Now that we have filled our executive and staff positions, we need to roll out our membership drive. Ideas?

We need to disseminate our facts and rumors starting now! There is no time to waste. Make sure to remind everyone you come in contact with that Mrs. Palin is a lying opportunist who can’t even sell a plane on eBay and wants to destroy the Alaskan wilderness, since she’s already had her fun killing things there.

Someone needs to get Patrick a stick, and we are waiting for Tobilynne to make her report. I can’t keep track of this shit, people, I am 55 years old and losing my memory at the speed of light. FIGHT WITH ME, as our own annemarie so eloquently urged us in a battle cry she borrowed from Grandpa!

Fight for freedom to learn about sex! Fight for the wolves and polar bears! Fight for the non-believers who don’t want to have to go to hell on Mrs. Palin’s watch! Fight for sanity! Fight that crazy bitch with all you’ve got, and never let it be said that you sat around and fiddled while an old Grandpa and a mean Church Lady took over the free world!

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35 Responses to PAP Smear Official Business

  1. I’ve converted a US republican voter residing in the UK to vote for Obama already. She’s even gettign Obama tees in few weeks when in Chicago for us to wear to death until the election. I’m on the case, I’m a right stiff upper lip Brit but hell this women is crazy and I love polar bears so I’m going to stop her and the chip man!

  2. PatrickH says:

    Guess what? Something’s finally eventuated on the Penis Front. I think we finally have a winner!

    So get this…I awake in the middle of the night feeling strangely endowed. I look down at my groinal area, and see–O Glory!–something I’ve been missing for, well, for longer than I would have liked but you can’t have everything man the world is fucked but maybe not completely. Because…

    My penis has been returned to me! There it was, a little blue/black, sure, some areas maybe touched with gangrene or flesh-eating disease or the bubonic plague–I think it was the blisters suppurating with thick inky-coloured pus that made me think of the last–but it was unmistakably my own long-vanished long-sought long-missed long rod!

    It’s back! I am whole once more. But get this! Here’s the funny part…

    There was a note pinned to the tip of my penis with a rusty nail through the urethra! I ripped it out of my cock-tip (screamed like a banshee when I did it and woke up the entire Republican National Committee who’d been spending the night fingering my nostrils and singing Toby Keith songs in an effort to keep me distracted) and read it. Here’s what it said:

    Deer Helrrod I am sory i dint find ur pundints sooner. Heer it is I dont wnat it anymore u can have it bak its yurs. I shud have givven it to tobylin but she got lost in my ass Todd is in ther now luking 4 her with his snowmobile and a real big 2nd amendment gun.

    Ur kok was very very nice I came real hard when u fuckd my ass so hard I cam 3 times more than with the other 6 blak dudz who were lame-o anyway so Todd wnated them 4 himself and they wentaway adn i wuz alone and it wuz my wedding!!! 🙁 so I kept ur kok tho I shunt have and now it is bak 4 u 2 use on other women and gayz in Alask to fuk in the ass when they R marying Todd or maybe tobyline who is lost in me now 2 daze 2 bad so sad.

    More from me more more! U know what? ur kok tastes funny! u shud wash it when u get it bak onto your kok place in your netherlands 4 good fuking with ur new gay guys and trig is more beautiful and pefect even than ur kok Bristol was so big with trig she wuz like an ocktergone or pentergone math is hard i am such a girl!!!!

    lov 2 u pachink herlodd porno moose so good 2 eat

    Sarah Vice Queen of USA of Alaska

    So that’s where tobilynne has disappeared to, eh? Well, we have better things to do now that my penis is back than worrying about her. Read the letter carefully (ignore the pus-stains and for godsake call an ambulance if you get any on your hands or in your eyes) and you shall see that SP herself admits that Bristol is the mother of Trig! Check it out people. We’ve got something here.

    And man, does it feel good to have sex again. Though I must admit I do taste odd. Maybe Sarah was right and I should have washed myself before doing the Snake Swallows Own Tail maneuver I learned when I worked in that bar in Bangkok. But it’s been so long since I’ve had sex with someone I love! Sorry got to go…an old friend is back in town…and he’s looking to chat!!!

    P Hellzapoppin-Rod

    P.S. I’m voting McPalin. Sarah is just such a girlie girl. She puts hearts over her i’s!!! Isn’t that a scream?

  3. annemarie says:

    This is wonderful! What a beautiful logo!
    So much classier than a pitbull with lipstick screwing America, but then, I am not hired for my class, am I?
    I have to go to “work” now– I cannot be absent lest THEY become suspicious, but lo! in a few hours I shall be back with some more plotting and overthrowing up my sleeve!

    Let this campaign unfold with all the stealth, beauty and glistening rage of a pitbull’s red rocket!

  4. OMGGMAB says:

    Well of course we all realize by this time that lying about having a baby was ‘god’s will.” And it was also “god’s will” that Sarah conveniently signed up her son for Iraq duty moments before Grandpa announced her as his angel veep. So long as it’s all in god’s hands.

    And I suspect that it will weigh heavily on Sarah’s mind that god is directing her to tell the truth about it all, on say, NOVEMBER 5TH!

    Our battle cry: DON’T LET THE NUT-JOBS TAKE OVER THE US!

  5. WendyB says:

    I’m still not convinced that Bristol won’t have a conveniently timed “miscarriage” of the pillow or whatever she stuffed under her shirt to prove Trig isn’t hers. Maybe I’m crazy though.

  6. tobilynne says:

    :: Jeebus, it stinks in here ::

    Morning, all. Sorry for the delay, but I’ve had a hell of a time finding an internet connection in here, and my phone won’t work at all. Please send help.

    Patrick, I assume your penis has been returned? Sorry about the nail … my only other option up here was a large stick, but I was unable to remove it from Mrs. Palin’s ass. Please accept my apologies. I have prepared my speech for this evening, but fear I am currently quite trapped. To be honest, I’m quite frightened that I may be losing my mind, as I could swear I saw a snowmobile several hours back. I also thought I was hearing the terrified screams of feminists, but that might have been some suction or
    puckering, or something. Anyway, I’d like to forward my speech in hopes that it can still be read even if I am unable to escape in time.

    ……….

    Ladies and Gentlemen,
    I come before you this evening to urge your support for Mrs. Sarah Palin. You, as the African American community, have much power in the US political system, and we need you to step up this year and help move our country in the right direction: backward.

    The numerous amendments of the Constitution have all but ruined the ease of our lives. I, for one, could do without the responsibility of voting. I fear that the smaller violations of our “rights”, such as the illegalization of smoking in public, is not moving us quickly enough into a government controlled state. Abortion is still legal. Do you really want to have to think about it when you become pregnant? I feel there are really too many options when it comes to my body. Do I drink? Do I smoke? Do I ingest fattening foods? Can I abort this pregnancy, as the doctor said I will likely die during childbirth? What book should I read next? Life would be so much easier if I didn’t have to think about these things. Think of all the spare time you would have to donate to the church!

    Fortunately, the gender laws are ambiguous enough that there is no constitutional recognition of gender specific rights. It pretty much just says “equal rights for all” but we all know what that means. Inalienable rights have almost always applied to upper class, white, Christian men. There was an amendment about it, re-introduced in 2007, but thank goodness, it hasn’t gone anywhere. As our nation has evolved, it has naturally evolved against equal rights. Don’t you agree that the “glass ceiling” is God’s way of telling us that maybe women should be in the home, and not in the workplace?

    I am also very concerned about the gays. I think it’s wrong that they want to get married. Marriage is a sacred right and should only be allowed between a man and a woman. And a second woman. And a third woman. However many it takes for them to find happiness. But definitely only between a man and a woman.

    I think we need to stand up and really OPENLY address who does and does not have rights in this country. We keep saying “human rights”, but that’s really just to pacify Europe. I think the last 8 years has shown the rest of the world we really don’t need them, except to work the careers we hand over to them when we give US corporations incentives to ship American jobs overseas. Let’s get it out there! If only we would just shout it out, women and minorities could go back to simpler days when we didn’t have to think so much, or take so much personal responsibility. Corporations don’t have to take responsibility for their actions, why should we?

    Mrs. Palin will stand up for what we SHOULD believe in. She has had the balls to fire the opposition before, and will continue to do so once McCain kicks the bucket and she is awarded the presidency. I mean, she replaced entire Board of Agriculture and Conservation, and the State Public Safety Commissioner!!

    Sarah Palin was the mayor for a town of 5,000 people. 5,000! There are only a few principals that have led larger high schools! Do you lead 5,000 people? I didn’t think so.

    In closing, this country needs to go back to it’s 1950s roots. Even Mrs. Palin (a woman!!!) knows that. Please follow her example and allow the country to continue to progress in the direction Mr. Bush has led us back into. Thank you, and god bless.

    ……….

    Please get me out of here. Love, Tobi Lynne

  7. honeypants says:

    Ooh, it looks so official! Mr. LaRue did all the hard work though. As a woman, I don’t feel I can take much (or any!) responsibility!

    Is there anyone out there with the means and desire to make buttons with the PAP logo? I would wear mine proudly, and distribute them as widely as I could.

    Looking at the logo again, I’m wondering if it shouldn’t say PAP Smear at the top, and in smaller print, Patriots Against Palin at the bottom so that the uninitiated will immediately understand our cause?

  8. PatrickH says:

    That is a brilliant logo…works on several levels…funny and disturbing both. Hats off!

    And Tobi Lynne, good to have you back safe and sound from your time in Sarah Palin’s rectum! And thank you thank you thank you for my penis! I will suggest to our beloved Maximummy Leader that not only should you not be docked any pay, you should indeed get a major Rectal Duty Bonus (er?). Well done.

    Oh, and that speech was also brilliant (Jeebs, there’s a lot of talent gathered in the Smear…I really think something could come of this). But you know what, TL, it is also chillingly plausible that that EXACT speech could be delivered by SP. Cut out a few words here or there, change a phrase or two, and that speech cuts pretty close to the actual line of those-who-must-not-be-named.

    Chill. Effing. Ing.

    Gratefully and now also nervously,
    The Rod

  9. Suebob says:

    Oh, you’re REALLY not going to like this one…and unfortunately it appears to be true – Palin’s police dept charged rape victims for the evidence kits used to collect samples after their bodies had been violated, a cost of up to $1200 – read it and weep: http://opedna.com/2008/09/08/wasilla-police-billed-sexual-assault-victims-for-rape-kits

  10. Glad to know I’m not the only woman who wants to club this nut like a baby seal!

  11. OMGGMAB says:

    I prefer to hunt her down from a plane and then shoot at point blank range when she is too exhausted to move. What’s good enough for quadrupeds is good enough for bipeded SNAKES!

  12. oops, the office manager is late! Anyone got a pen? Speaking of that, I’d like to formally protest my duty of “note taking.” I’m “office manager,” not “secretary.” in addition to being really disorganized, i’m also lazy and like to pass the buck.

  13. Skye says:

    They really should let the rest of the world vote too. That’s all I can say – although as PAP Smear Chaplain/Pastor I would just like to offer this bit of spiritual comfort:

    There is no higher power and no afterlife. This is all we’ve got so we’d better fight hard to save it.

  14. enc says:

    Word.

    I explained to 12 (Mr.OM’s daugher) why I won’t be voting on the Republican ticket. EVER. You should have seen her eyes widen wider with each reason I gave, Palin being the biggest one.

  15. littlelux says:

    every time you update this, i send the link off to my mother who is planning to vote for mcpalin. she thinks palin seems “nice”. oh joy.

  16. Juri says:

    She may not be much of a plane saleswoman but she does know how to bill the Alaskan taxpayers for travel expences even when she stays at home. I would love to see the uppity community organizer top that. All Obama has is a foreign name, some missing flagpins and an old picture in a funny african costume. Palin has generated more skeletons in a week than Obama in 47 years. I think he really should shape up and come up with a scandal of his own.

    And Grandpa should whiten his teeth already!! I’m tired of watching his yellow teeth on TV every night. The higher the definition the louder they scream death and decay. Bleech the fuckers or buy yourself a set of dentures. Or shut your yellow mouth. Mrs Grandpa should have enough beer money in the bank to send her husband to a halfway decent dentist.

    If they win they’d better ban colour tv’s. I don’t suppose Grandpa will look as awful in black and white as he does in HDTV. And if they turn things back to the silent era both he and the church lady will come across as pretty presentable. Unfortunately there will still be the written word. But they could ban writing as well..

    The logo is lovely. It reminds me of the Jägermeister logo. Now I can tell myself that I’m drinking for a good cause, everytime I take the bottle out of the freezer.

  17. cker says:

    In light of the events of today in the political arena I would like to 2nd the idea that we continue with babygate. The rebups are using this issue as a “hands off Palin” excuse. I don’t believe for one moment that Trigger is her kid. I predict her daughter will have a miscarriage in about 4-6 weeks. If we keep this alive and find more damning “evidence” maybe we can poke some holes (just taking a cue from the “fucking redneck”) in their campaign!

  18. Sister Wolf says:

    Juri – god, I hear you. CLEAN YOUR FUCKING TEETH GRANDPA! Looking at his teeth is worse than when I was a kid and had to sit on my 100 year-old uncle’s lap. Ugh. Maybe Cindy is too stoned on oxycontin to see the teeth?

    cker – Yes, there are many out there waiting for the pillow to fall out of Bristol’s shirt.

  19. annemarie says:

    We the PEOPLE, the PATRIOTS, oppose Sarah Palin for the following reasons:

    She defends the rights of the unborn child– in her words, she is “as pro-life as any candidate can be.”

    PAP loves children, but zygotes are not children. PAP likes real live children, and thinks they should be parented by people who actually want them. PAP also likes grown-ups, especially women who make an unfortunate mistake and do not feel ready to have a baby and think that it’s their right to make that decision, not the State’s, and certainly not a fucking dipshit awaiting the Rapture. PAP wonders at a person who professes belief in the everlasting life of the soul, yet goes ballistic when a woman thinks that the soul in the zygote might have a better chance if it bounced back to the Light and ricocheted into someone else’s womb. PAP thinks that the faith of women who abort is therefore probably stronger than the quacks.

    PAP also thinks that when children are born they should not be prostituted for their parents ambitions. Most other nations in the world are also against child prostitution because the kids don’t like it. Little Octagon, for example, did not like the bright lights and the loud people. When they start braying “U– S — A!” little Octagon was frightened, and closed his eyes and thought of his mommy’s breasts.

    As she glanced over at his feverish little face, Bristol felt very uncomfortable and worried that she would lactate through sweater. She looked at Levi– god, what a hunk. But he’s kind of, well, stupid, and a really bad lay. How was I supposed to know his thing would make me pregnant? Oh fuck, why is mommy making me marry him? Why can’t she just give me back my baby and let me get rid of this pillow under my sweater? How did I get pregnant anyway?

    That’s a good question Bristol. The reason you don’t know how babies are made is because instead of teaching sex education, Palin backs abstinence-only education in schools. She said: “Explicit sex-ed programs will not find my support.”

    PAP wonders why Sarah Palin is against “explicit” sex-ed programs. Does she think it’s more romantic that way? Does a teenage girl, such as Bristol, who during a sticky moment decides to just go ahead and let a “fuckin redneck” shoot his load inside her and then is paraded out in front of the whole world and forced to marry the yob think that this is ROMANTIC? But maybe SP thinks they should learn about the facts of life at home. But SP couldn’t very well teach her. SP was too busy trying to fire librarians and other civil servants who she felt did not give her their “full support,” so it fell to Todd. But Todd always practices safe sex– moose can’t be impregnated by human cock– and he thought ‘ol Bristy would be fine. Don’t they teach that shit at school? Hasn’t she seen our wedding video? Poor Bristol.

    SP LOVES guns. She thinks that the individuals right to bear arms should be defended. Ladies, you cannot kill your unborn child, but if you hear an intruder rummaging around on your property at night, a poor drunk falling into the bushes on his way home– go ahead, SHOOT THE FUCKER! She also LOVES capital punishment because anyone who disobeys the rules of the STATE should be fucking killed, ok? Even if they have psychiatric or mental problems. Fuck ’em. We only like unborn children. Everyone else can die.

    And as for you gays! Why can’t you just be fucking NORMAL? Let us Christians tell you who you can and can’t love, ok? Let the State decide who you can and can’t marry! How dare you want “rights”! Fuckin queers!

    She lied in her speech about several issues– the plane, her record of “achievements,” etc– but this is getting upsetting. Jesus, wasn’t she much more fun when she was taking dick from the seven dudes at her wedding? wasn’t she though?

    Sarah Palin is a truly hateful person.

    This country will be unlivable-in if she gets into office. America will never, ever live down this disgrace.

  20. Sister Wolf says:

    annemarie – I don’t know whether to marry you or just gouge out my eyes so that I might be spared the pain of gazing at Mrs. Palin’s lying face.

    and yes, I’d do Levi in a heartbeat.

  21. honeypants says:

    I agree! Annemarie for VP!!!

  22. Ann says:

    The logo is fantastic. I’m going to embroider it on all of my pillow cases. By all means, Annemarie for VP!!

  23. Mark says:

    The logo and this movement is priceless.

    I love all of you as much as I detest the rancid whore that is Sarah Palin.

  24. Mark says:

    The logo and this movement ARE priceless.

    I still love all of you as much as I detest the rancid whore that is Sarah Palin.

  25. Sister Wolf says:

    Mark – you are a credit to your college education. FIGHT WITH ME! Spread the word in NYC!

    Ann – Send a photo of your pillows when you’re done!

  26. Aja says:

    Last week someone near and dear to me said, “I fuckin’ love Sarah Palin. . . she’s such a hot mess to watch, it just gets worse and worse”. But after really reading up on her, I’m getting terrified. Especially when I hear a few of my fellow Americans are sipping on that kool aid.

  27. OMGGMAB says:

    I sure was happy to see Sarah and the fam splashed all over the f’in place at CVS. She must have done a joint photo shoot for People and US (same ugly outfit in both). I could not get within 6 feet of the rack of mags because the evil laser waves were pushing me back. I was afraid I might be propelled into the abyss and subjected to pentecostals screaming that I need to be saved. I ran out of there as fast as I could, but not before sustaining a serious shock to my psyche – the realization that WE DO NEED TO BE SAVED – from the lying McPalin pigs! Pray them away from us, Sister!

  28. alias clio says:

    zygotes are not children

    Perhaps not. But are not 32-week old “fetuses” children? Are not “born alive” products of abortion children?

    Not according to your sainted Obama. He voted against protecting either.

  29. OMGGMAB says:

    Listen Alias! Read the whole bill that Obama voted down before you judge! Lots of shit is addended to bills for which the congressperson may not want to cast an affirmative vote. No way that Obama voted to abort 32 week fetuses. Get the facts straight!!

    And that really is far beyond the issue of reason. The issue McPalin would like to legislate is the availability of the “morning after pill” because morally, by some god, that is like killing a POTENTIAL life. GMAFB!! Perhaps you should watch a poor wolf or bear being run down by “humans” in a plane until they no longer can run and then the “humans” shooting them at point blank range for SPORT! Now is this better than preventing a potential human life? Contemplate that every living being in the universe deserves consideration.

    By the way, I do not have to live by the dictates of those who believe they are superiorly moral to me. They know nothing that I don’t. Save their own souls, not mine!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Thanks, Grandma, for the courage to say all of this on your behalf. I know you wanted to, but capitulated to the “wrong” right because you felt you had no choice!

  30. Sister Wolf says:

    I will add that while Obama is not a saint, he is a sane and reasonable person with an impressive IQ and a real plan for helping the poor and middle class AND offers a chance of finally repairing the damage of racism in America.

  31. alias clio says:

    I feel no sense of moral superiority to anyone. Trying to change what you believe to be unjust laws is not a mark of one’s conviction of moral superiority. Anyway, I’m Canadian, so my views won’t make any difference to you.

    I don’t see how “McPalin” can legislate a nation-wide ban on the morning-after pill. Isn’t that kind of thing determined by the states? Even if a McCain-led government were to bring in a series of very conservative judges, it’s doubtful they would be conservative enough to try to ban the morning-after pill. And, btw, it’s possible to use ordinary birth-control pills as “morning-after’ ones merely by taking them in large doses after unprotected sex; information on the correct doses is widely available.

    Yes, I agree that Obama is a sane and reasonable person, but I doubt that “McPalin” are as mad as you have convinced yourself that they are. Sarah Palin never actually banned a single book; nor did she fire anyone for refusing to do so. There still aren’t any books banned in the Wasilla library, according to sources I’ve read. And her pastor does not permit “speaking in tongues” in his church.

    As for Obama’s plans to help the poor and middle classes, if my understanding is correct, part of what ths plan involves is increasing corporate income taxes. I know that North Americans always believe that this is a good idea, but in fact it’s not nearly as effective as many believe. Want to drive more jobs out of the country?

    Sweden, one of the most successful of social democracies, keeps corporate taxes low and maintains its social welfare programs by taxing individuals at extremely high rates. That’s one of the ways it has managed to remain a good place to do business. But I don’t see the average American voter accepting this approach any time soon.

    I do think that some form of gov’t-subsidized health care would be a good idea for the US. Your present system is crazy – but you-all always insist on tackling these things on such a grand scale. The Canadian system began gradually, at first in one province only. Its success prompted widespread public support, so that doctors’ opposition, and that of the health insurance industry, was relatively easy to overcome. I doubt that Obama’s plan is going to succeed any better than that of the Clintons. Start small, though, and you might pull it off eventually.

    Will Obama be able to heal the wounds of racism, merely by being a black President? It’s possible, but such damage is seldom that easy to repair.

  32. OMGGMAB says:

    Racism and prejudice is something that each individual must fight within themselves everyday. So no, Obama will not be able to heal the wounds of racism; he can lead by example and perhaps people will realize that the color of his skin is irrelevant to his abilities. When people begin respecting one another despite their ethnic differences, then racism wounds may begin to heal.

  33. OMGGMAB says:

    Correction: Racism and prejudice are things that individuals must fight within themselves everyday.

    I’m linguistically challenged today.

  34. Exceptional document, bookmarked for future referrence

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