I followed Jane, from Sea of Shoes, on Twitter and Instagram until she posted the picture above and I commented, “Nothing wrong here.” Boom, she blocked me.

I understand. No one wants any comments that imply one is less than fabulous. Especially Jane. So naturally she deletes comments that express worry about her weight.

You know what, when I was 14, I used to only eat egg whites and grapefruit. Finally, circumstances forced me to eat more, and eventually I learned that it’s more fun to eat than to starve. Last night I ate a huge quantity of tortilla chips with hot avocado salsa, and I’m a better man for it, I believe.

I think Jane has mentioned “health issues” and I hope she is okay. I have health issues my self. Seventeen of them, according to a print-out from my doctor, including depression, lumbago, and marijuana use.

I hope she is okay but I don’t think she is. And of course there is nothing I can do. People online discuss her life as though she’s a character in Grey Gardens, but only Jane and her family know the real girl. I watched an old video of her with her mom, and it was disturbing. It made me regret being mean to her, that time I said she had a fat face. What an awful thing to say. I was out of my mind at the time but that’s no excuse.

I’m so sorry for that mean post. I’m not sorry for mocking her blog. It was so mockable that someone had to do it. But I wish I could take back the mean personal insult.

I hope her marriage will bring a new happy life and a chance to broaden her horizons. Here is Jane with her fiance Jeff.  You can read about their engagement over on her blog.

Vaya con Dios, Jane and Jeff!

all photos (c) Sea of Shoes

“A studded metallic heel elevates a beautifully embroidered silhouette in soft Italian fabric.”

At $3895.00, these Dolce & Gabanna boots are a great deal. They are made of spandex, nylon and virgin wool, but lined in leather! Oooooh, right?

Look at all that crap sewn onto the fabric! It must have taken some half-blind old Italian lady a long time to accomplish this. Or maybe it was a poor little bambina who has to support her large family of immigrants. Whatever.

At nearly $4,000, these boots might seem like an obscenity; but I once paid $900 at Barney’s for a pair of boots I have now worn exactly twice and may not wear again. So, for many women, even Sea of Shoes and her ilk, the price here is no big deal. And that makes me feel very fucking sad and remorseful, I can promise you.

The only thing left to say about these Statement boots (besides where would you war them and what if it rained) is that they are pull-on style, meaning no zipper.

No fucking zipper? What’s their problem?

Even though Jane is  understandably upset about Japan, there’s no reason to abandon the hunt for more shoes. “Never compromise on shoes!” is her credo, I believe.

Here is an exercise in Goth Stupidity by Rick Owens, described by net-a-porter as follows:

Elaborately adorned with a frayed  organza trim, Rick Owens’s  black leather wedge sandals are an investment in the label’s avant-garde aesthetic. Step into this sculptural style to lend your evening look an instant hit of high-fashion drama.

At $2,240, I would like these shoes to do much, much more than lend high-fashion drama to my evening. I would like them to lick me all over from head to toe and then produce a half-gallon of Mocha Almond fudge ice cream, after which they can recite from memory the first chapter of Lolita and then tuck me in bed, turn off the lights and leave quietly by the back door.

My first response to these spring pumps by D&G was: “Sea of Shoes!” I   can’t think of anyone who could wear them better than Jane.

No one can do Nutty 70’s Divorcee like Jane does. Somehow she manages to look worn and trying-too-hard no matter what she wears. Her ‘Baby Jane’ Halloween costume was only a fraction scarier than her everyday look.

I think she could wear these shoes with a tutu over a Bob Mackie evening gown with maybe a huge bedazzled cowboy hat. Right? I don’t know, I’m crap at styling, obviously.

I’m not really mad at Jane any more. I have turned my wrath elsewhere. I’d like Jane to fix my roof or my teeth but if she chooses to buy shoes instead, I can deal with it.

Jane, these shoes are only $495. I hope their relatively low price won’t be a deterrent! You can buy them here.

Here is the newest “Lita” by Jeffrey “Laughing his ass off” Campbell.

The Exclusive Black Shag. At Karmaloop.   (Nickie Frye found them)

Jane, before you say no, hear me out. These shoes would show that you are a Man of the People, you know, like Evita! You could revel in how ironically awful they are, while scratching your itch to spend money and totter around hoping not to fall.

I think the possibilities are endless with these shoes.

Besides scaring the shit out of people, you could also _____________________.

*Who can finish this sentence?? Feel free to use “voluminous.”

“Comments for Jane” was a popular feature that many of us enjoyed, although others felt it was a symptom of an unwholesome obsession. God knows, it inflamed many of Jane’s fanclub in Dallas and around the world.

I’ve retired that feature, in part because I like Jane’s mother, Mom of Shoes. She’s a divorced mother of two teenagers, and in that I feel a kinship, even though our lives are so different.   She’s doing her best, just like I am.

However, seeing Jane’s new post about these YSL shoes she acquired in Las Vegas, I felt the old call to duty. Sea didn’t purchase or buy the shoes: it was more magical than that.   She fell in love with them and “as soon as they were mine, I blah blah blah.” Not only that, she’s waiting for another pair in a different color to be shipped to her home. Again, there was no crass “purchasing” or “buying” involved.

Coincidentally, today a reader sent me a link to a pair of colorful overpriced shoes at net-a-porter, and naturally I thought of Sea. I really want her to buy them.

So I am launching this new feature, called “Please Jane, Buy These Shoes!   ”

Jane, these shoes are only $1,125 and you know you want them. Come on, they’re cute and you like a pop of color, right? Please buy them!

*Citizens, if you see a pair of shoes that seem worthy of this feature, just me send a link! xo

Okay, but don’t tell Clement Hurd.

Sometimes I forget that people aren’t always what they seem to be online. Even more often, I forget that people don’t always look how they look online. We all get lucky in some photos and less lucky in others. A few genetic freaks of nature look amazing from every angle, in every light. But not most of us.

Here’s a really unflattering picture of me, taken last November after I tripped over a curb and broke my hip. Ordinarily I’d rather die than post it, but I need it to illustrate my point. (On the bright side, you can see my O.J. Simpson Trading Cards in the background.)

At Sea of Shoes, for example, you will never see a photo of Sea’s behind. And she’s announced many times that she looks for “volume” in clothes. She knows how to conceal her weaker areas and play up the stronger ones.

This photo confirms that Sea has to work hard to get those glowing portraits she posts! It’s the magic of a $2,000 Nikon and the right lighting.

People remind me over and over that someone’s online persona may be nothing like their real self. When I told my sister about one of my dearest cyber-friends, she exclaimed, “How do you know that anything they say is true?!” Her cynicism upset me. I just assume I can discern a genuine personality from a manufactured one.

Recently I read this essay by Zadie Smith on “The Social Network” and Facebook, and it blew my mind. I can’t recommend it highly enough! The notion that we may be learning to limit our actual selves by the way we shape our own “brands” online is really thought provoking. It disturbs me.

My own online presence is a little disturbing to me.   People know too much about me.   I’m open about my whole life. I may regret it, but I can’t think why, since I’ll never run for president or seek a corporate job. But I can at least say that I’m not presenting a fake or even well-edited version of who I am.   I think I’m exactly what I seem like. But maybe a tiny bit less of a cunt.

Sea has been so busy scouring the earth for new finery that I can barely keep up with her. Just briefly, she was lucky enough to find a long skirt with a leopard   “climbing up it” as well as a weird yellow and black clown suit. She wore the clown suit with black lipstick in an obvious attempt to frighten me. However, after my run-in with the good folks of Dallas and the Aldridge Gang themselves, nothing seems scary anymore.

Sea reveled in her childlike art projects and showed us some icky caterpillars. She shared her make-up secrets and posted a ton of old family snapshots so that we might worship her more fully. Perhaps she will post her dental records and old school report cards!

Mom had a date while the girls were out of town, and it proved to be an effective diversion from all the tweeting. Mom’s sister took   a well-earned break from sending me rude comments about my age, which continues to spiral upward toward infinity.

Sea doesn’t like to post comments and god knows, comments can be a little…..nutty. But since she wants us to admire and adore her, we must respond to those efforts out of the goodness of our hearts. I will begin:

Dear Sea, I think you look really cute in the hooker outfit and you might want to pursue this age-appropriate look more often. If you and your gang of rabid followers had a sense of humor, life would be so much better! Can’t you guys snag one on ebay or something? Oh well, keep up the shopping and posing. I’m sure you’re a really good person deep down where the camera can’t reach. Love, Sister Wolf.