Years ago, I posed in these big black boots, aware that they looked stupid with the dress but probably thinking I was cool anyway.

It was eight years ago and a whole other life.

The boots are in my closet, languishing with all the other shit I’ve wasted money on, always forgetting that I don’t like to get dressed up and I have nowhere to go. Each time I get out my credit card, I’m under a spell where I believe I’m someone else.

Anyway, I’m pretty sure I’ve worn the boots on two occasions. They cost around 950 bucks (I know!) so that’s $475 per use.

But wait.

Today, I clicked on the Maison Margiela Autumn 2016 collection and discovered that there’s hope for styling my boots after all.

I can wear them with a big upside-down orange coat-blanket thing, cinched at the waist with an uncomfortable belt! I even have the pasty white legs for this look.

Or, there’s this:

Okay, so a silver hooded cape (unless that’s a hat?) over a silver mini-dress  with a nice kangaroo pouch.

It’s good to switch things up, I’m always hearing. Why wear jeans and a t-shirt every day? I’m not getting any younger. Even if I’m just going out for coffee or groceries, there’s no reason not to throw on an upside-down coat and rock my huge boots.

Another idea is to forget about the boots and patiently wait to die so that some girl with size ten feet and an appreciation of offbeat overpriced crap can be the happiest person ever.

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I was going to pose the question, “These boots would be good for ___”, but Net-a-porter has already explained it!

“LD Tuttle’s open-back taupe leather boots exude directional downtown cool.”

So the mystery is solved.   They are good for for exuding directional downtown cool. I never would have guessed in a million years!

Net-a-porter $550

I would pay $1,595 for these shorts if ___________.

Jen Kao at Shopbop.

I don’t want a red leather jacket (a miracle!) but when I saw pictures of the Zac Posen for Target stuff, I thought the jacket might be worth looking at.

The only reason I became interested is the name Zac Posen, which connotes luxury.   I know for certain that if this same jacket was by Guess or Free People I wouldn’t give it a moment of consideration.

Not only am I a brand whore, evidently, but I also have irrational biases against certain brands. If I saw the cutest shoes in the entire world but they were by Jessica Simpson, there’s no fucking way I’d buy them. Same for shoes by Coach. Coach shoes just kill me. Their logo just seems tragic somehow.

It’s not because the brands are cheap, either. I couldn’t buy anything by Haute Hippie, and that shit is really expensive. I wouldn’t buy jeans by Current-Elliot or True Religiion, and I don’t even know why! I just resent those brands.

Shopping is full of weird subliminal triggers. For me, it can be the sound of the name or the look of an ad that puts me off a whole brand, permanently.

Do you have an irrational brand bias? Or are you above this kind of shit?

Douche Bag??   Someone has some explaining to do.

I couldn’t help admiring this dress until I read the description. “Black and donkey coloured long-sleeved knit dress…”

The attached sweater thing looks kind of mauve, doesn’t it? What color is “donkey coloured,” anyway?

Many hundreds of years ago, when I was a script reader, I had to read a non-fiction book about a small town doctor who was accused of molesting several female patients. During the trial, a prim witness was asked to describe the color of the doctor’s penis. Flustered and embarrassed, she sputtered: “It was penis colored!”

Penises, donkeys, this dress is dead to me.

Remember that first Why Did I Buy This? I ended up giving that item away. This time, I’m hoping to keep my purchase, however baffling, and actually wear it.

I never wear frilly things or sheer things, or things with crap all over it, so why did I buy this shirt? It may have been on sale, but that doesn’t explain it. It’s by Rebecca Taylor, and it has a sewn-in silk camisole. When I tried to put it on, I had to keep starting all over again. You have to synchronize the inner and outer shirts as you stick your arms through.   I didn’t study that in college, so how I am supposed to know how to do it?

The stuff on it is like little silk petals and crystal things.

What can I wear with this, and still feel like me?

High-waisted wide-leg jeans? Narrow jeans? Black jeans? The black McQ pencil skirt that I’ll never wear because it’s too uncomfortable? What about footwear?

Help me work with this, you fashion girls!