To launch this new category, The Stupidest Thing Ever, I’m going with “glamping“, a concept that comes with its own stupid word.

“Glamping” is a portmanteau of glamorous and camping and describes a style of camping with amenities and, in some cases, resort-style services not usually associated with “traditional” camping.

Apparently, this stupid practice has been going on so long that the American Glamping Association launched in August, joining World of Glamping (whatever that is) to promote the growing “industry.” There’s also Glamping Hub.

It looks like I’ve been totally out of the fucking loop, as usual, but I’m trying to catch up. As I understand it, glamping is for people who want to be outdoors but don’t want to rough it. In millennial speak, it’s for people who want unique experiences.

Now here’s where I know I’m not a millennial: I DON’T WANT A UNIQUE EXPERIENCE! If I’m traveling, I want a 100% normal  experience! When I went to London in September, I didn’t think, “Shit, I’m staying in a nice hotel in a nice part of the city, right near an underground station”. I didn’t wish I were in a teepee in the countryside or a barn with sheep. I have actually had some “unique experiences” while traveling, such as someone pointing a gun at me (England), a stranger slapping me (Italy) rape (Greece) and a really terrible acid trip (Wales.)

No thank you!

Also, how stupid would you feel to stay in an actual cave that had room service and a designer bathtub? How could you pretend this wasn’t stupid, you know? I discovered the cave hotel while scrolling through the offerings at glamping.com. The destination for this experience is Sextantio Le Grotte Della Civita, in southern Italy.

The restored ancient caves will provide “an out-of-time journey through the traces of the uninterrupted presence of the man in this area, from Paleolithic times to the present.”

The hotel rooms occupy the caves themselves. What separates Sassi di Matera from merely sleeping in a cave is a certain dedication to luxury. Your bathroom may be a bare rock cavern, but you can trust in your Milanese host’s taste in fixtures and fittings: your bathtub is the finest money can buy. Prehistoric man might never have ventured outside the caves if they had bathrooms like these!

For fuck sake.

But let’s say you don’t want to pretend you’re Fred Flintstone. What else is there? The co-founder of the American Glamping Association notes that people have different needs.

For example, if you really need complete isolation, then a glamping location that has just one very unique tent is the place for you.

What kind of motherfucker needs one very unique tent???? The kind that takes an hour to describe what kind of beverage he wants at Starbucks? As if such a person would even go to Starbucks when he/she/they/it/x could only be happy with single origin coffee, reverently prepared in a kabuki ritual by a barista wearing a crisp hemp apron.

So much privilege. So much stupidity.

Are you a glamper? Is glamper even a word? If you have any firsthand (or secondhand) glamping stories, let’s hear them!

Aren’t you tired of hearing yourself yell or mutter the same words when Trump rears his ugly head? Fucker! Piece of shit! Stupid fucking liar! Fat scumbag! Dumbass!

Let’s mix things up. Instead of idiot, try:

fool, ass, halfwit, dunce, tool, clown, dolt, prick, douche, ignoramus, monstrosity, cretin, moron, imbecile, simpleton, dope,  nincompoop, chump, dimwit, dumbo, dummy, dum-dum, jackass, blockhead, bonehead, knucklehead, fathead, butthead, numbskull, knuckle-dragger, dipstick, meathead, meatball, airhead, peabrain, birdbrain, mouth-breather, jerk, nitwit, hoser, schmuck, putz, bozo, turkey, vulgarian, chowderhead, oaf, wanker, ding-dong, yo-yo, lummox, low-life, piece of trash.

Instead of contemptible, even though it’s the perfect word for him, there are more adjectives to throw around:

despicable, detestable, hateful, reprehensible, deplorable, unspeakable, disgraceful, shameful, ignominious, abject, discreditable, worthless, beyond contempt, shameful, odious, loathsome, puerile, repellent, repulsive, repugnant, monstrous, sleazy, swinish.

I’m pretty sure you can mix ‘n match. Let me try.

Abject cretin. Worthless prick. Yes!

Okay, so what epithet do you use most often for that cunt?

Recently, I’ve been wasting my time on Instagram, because it’s the ultimate passive diversion. Mostly, I follow handsome African models, tattoo artists, and jewelry designers. It’s pleasant eye candy, and it enables me to spend hours on the couch without moving or having to think.

A woman who seemed to share my sensibility started to chat with me there. I told her that I’m a grieving mother, as I consider this to be a significant part of my identity. So anyway, in order to soften the blow of this, I added that I have some pretend adopted children, (Chris, Ali, and Simone, xoxo)

Here’s this woman’s reply:

She went on to elaborate on how well the adoption has turned put and how nice the person was to “open her house to an orphan.”

I was so disconcerted that I continued to chat with her about this and that. I hate when I do this. I need to get better at going, ARE YOU CRAZY? But anyway, let me ask you:

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE????

Why do people say such awful things?? “Because they’re uncomfortable” isn’t good enough. Can you imagine if someone’s cat died, coming back with, Oh, a friend of mine had a cat that was torn to pieces by a coyote! No, you can’t imagine, because you’re just not that awful.

One of my loved ones was diagnosed with cancer, and is now cancer free and in great shape. But when they told people about the diagnosis, they were often caught off-guard by the stupidest and cruelest responses. I can’t repeat them here. But the correct reply is not “My grandma just died of  cancer!”

If someone confides in you, regarding some misfortune, it’s not hard to just say, “I’m so sorry. Are you doing okay?” I find myself saying this fairly often, since bad things keep happening to friends and complete strangers. Please, please try this next time you are lost for words.

Next up is the non-compliment. A friend told me today that when she tried on some new sparkly eye shadow, her husband noticed and asked her, “What have you done to your eyes?” I laughed at the hostility of this response, partly because I know her husband and it’s a perfect summation of his personality.

I think it’s a good rule to not comment on anyone’s physicality UNLESS THEY ASK YOU TO WEIGH IN! Don’t say anything about my shoes if it’s not a compliment. Don’t call anything I’m wearing “fun.” I know what fun means, motherfuckers! Don’t say to people, “Is your hair different?” If their hair looks great, you can say so, but otherwise, just shut up. Never, ever, say to anyone “If you like it, that’s what matters!” under any circumstances.

There are so many expressions that strike me as inherently out of order, like when I was stroking my husband in my sleep and he muttered, Keep still. “Keep still” is what my dentist used to say when I was six years old and terrified. “Keep still” is what someone says when they’re lasering your eyeball or operating on your brain or getting ready to shoot you.

Thoughts? What do people say that bothers you or makes you wonder what the fuck is wrong with them?

It goes without saying that I am horrified and despondent about the election. I don’t even want to type his name. My husband and I have been glued to cable news for hours every day but now we can’t bear to watch. I refused to listen to his acceptance speech – my tiny, pointless protest.

I have no appetite for all the political analysts doing their postmortems. It’s all bullshit.

“The American people want change.” “The American people are sick of the Washington Establishment.” “The American people are angry about being left behind.” “The American people are sending a message.”

Please.

Hillary won the popular vote so  we can’t brand all Americans with any of these platitudes.

Many of those who voted for Trump were motivated by knee-jerk hatred of the Clintons, which is mostly a psychosis rather than a reasoned response to their actual behavior in public life.

But mostly, Trump won because Americans want to be entertained, and Donald brought it, every single day!

Americans wanted a reality show on a grand scale because that’s how they spend their evenings, watching bachelors pretend to fall in love, or Kardashians pretend to argue, or Housewives pretend to form rivalries and alliances, or amateur singers competing for stardom.

Americans loved the Trump show, with his orange face and his Liberace hairdo, his wild insults reminding them of when Theresa upended the table! They love his two douchbag sons, his busty blonde daughter, the hint of incest, the exotic foreign trophy wife, the constant drama and craziness.

This show has everything! And it’s just beginning!

How will the Trumps adapt to their new home? It’s like the Beverly Hillbillies but better! Will they put in a stripper pole for Melania? Will they get gold bathroom fixtures?

And the cast of characters like Giuliani, Christie, Gingrich, true villains in contrast to Donald’s clueless, illiterate narcissism and need for attention!

None of this shit is based on any ideas about “policy change” or “economics.” It’s just a show about a kooky rich family moving into the White House.

There is one other side-note to Trump’s popularity and it was expressed perfectly in a tweet by a journalist whose name I can’t remember:

I don’t like being called a kike, but I understand that people are feeling disenfranchised and want change.

So sit back and enjoy your show, but remember that when you turn off the TV, it will still be on.

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It occurred to me that SiteLock is some kind of scam, which is odd, because Bluehost is a widely used and seemingly legit hosting service.

When I googled ‘SiteLock reviews,’ I discovered an impassioned community of SiteLock victims, who were justifiably furious. Some complained about SiteLock harassing them with phone-calls. Some described the difficulty of cancelling the service, and being told they needed to speak to a cancellation agent.

Some complained that in trying to remove malware, SiteLock completely destroyed their websites beyond repair. No one could get their money back.

Some even suggested that SiteLock planted the malware just to charge for removing it!

So now I’m fuming. I call SiteLock and someone says to call back during business hours. I call Bluehost and ask them to cancel the service, since they set it up in the first place. No, only SiteLock can cancel the service.

In the morning, Rochelle at Sitelock explains that only Bluehost can cancel the account, since they made the $500 charge on my credit card. She seems genuinely apologetic.

Rochelle offers to get Bluehost on the phone, and to stay on the call with me.

It is then I meet Steven, in billing at Bluehost. He sounds young, dumbish, and bored. He is the definition of the word sullen. Steven reports that he is unable to ‘terminate the service until it expires in January.’ He repeats this with the exact same inflection at least 20 times. I keep saying, ‘Rochelle, can you hear this?’

Steven puts us on hold to speak to a ‘supervisor.’ Rochelle has gone to look at my blog and we start chatting about Prince. She loves him too.

Steven returns to the call and says in the deadened tone of an executioner, “I can’t cancel the service. It will end when it expires.”

Now I scream, “WHO CAN CANCEL IT, GOD?” Steven is silent. I repeat, “Are you saying only god can cancel it, or that He can’t cancel it either? Are you fucking crazy?” I add, “I’m not asking for my money back, just to cancel the fucking service!” I’m getting sweaty. I’ve lost control.

Steven leaves the call again and returns. “I am now able to cancel your service, ma’am. I can send you an email to confirm this has been done.”

Rochelle gives me her contact information so I can confirm with her later. She genuinely wants me to be happy.

I will be happy when Steven is broke, hungry, cold, alone, and desperate, while some little piece of shit on the phone tells him, “I can’t cancel your service. It will end when it expires in January.”

I came across this ad in Marie Claire a few days ago, and couldn’t believe it wasn’t a joke. “Masque” is a new product for women who would enjoy performing oral sex if only it tasted like chocolate or watermelon.

I think it’s a little strip that dissolves in your mouth like a breath-freshener thingie. The only time I tried one of those mouthwash strips,   I nearly choked to death, trying to spit it out.

Anyway, the ad’s tagline is beyond sickening: “Expect flowers tomorrow” it promises suggestively, showing a happy couple who have evidently managed the tricky completion of oral sex. Their expressions are ridiculous, much like the product itself.

Who are these fucking people who need to “Masque” the taste of sex and then expect flowers?!?

Ladies, if your man pulled out a “Masque” strip before doing his job, wouldn’t you just snarl, “Don’t bother?”   I guess men are  supposed  to be so desperate that they’d send flowers.

This ad and the mentality it reflects is pathetic and gross and makes me want to kill everyone involved.

Thoughts?

I have always hated Dr. Phil, even without seeing his show. It’s just unconscious knowledge that he is a jerk.

This week, everyone on TV is talking about him because of his interview with Casey Anthony‘s parents.   He’s been pimping his show with the Anthonys everywhere. And in one discussion, he agreed that the Anthonys had “a menagerie of excuses” for their daughter’s conduct.

ENGLISH,   MOTHERFUCKER! DO YOU SPEAK IT?

Menagerie is a collection of animals, you fucking idiot Dr. Phil! You can find some online dictionaries that say you can also use it to mean a diverse group of things, BUT YOU CAN”T BECAUSE IT MEANS ANIMALS.

Words matter, remember?

Have you heard anyone  misuse  a word recently but you couldn’t kill them? Feel free to share your pain.

Oh god, what a fucking travesty. I’ll try to break it down for you.

A large group of untalented people “sang” awful songs for an enthusiastic audience of vacuous industry types.

Lady Gaga pretended to be The Fonz and wouldn’t stop. She made you long for the meat dress. Britney Spears won an Achievement Award and thanked her little boys. Kanye and Jay-Z butchered an Otis Redding song by rapping over it, and Justin Bieber thanked both god AND Jesus.   Is Justin confused, or am I? Isn’t Jesus their Lord or what?

Adele offered a moment of true artistry and elegance. She was totally out of place.

Chris Brown danced around in a white suit and then flew around in one of those harness things. He was no Pink, let me tell you. At least  he didn’t punch anyone in the face, or not during the show, to my knowledge.

Beyonce performed an uninspired pop song, her hair blowing in a wind machine, and revealed her pregnancy by patting her small tummy.

Katy Perry won an award that belonged to Adele.  Some guy called Something the Creator won an award, and a guy called Pitbull presented a mystery as to his ethnicity and popularity.

Russell Brand introduced a tribute to Amy Winehouse, striking a sour note by calling her an addict and an alcoholic. What a fucking cunt . I can’t hate him enough. He made things worse by asserting pompously: “There IS a solution.” No, you cunt, there is no solution to addiction except to not start doing drugs in the first place.   Rest in peace my darling Amy, Max, and everyone else who could not be helped by 12 steps or 12,000 steps.

Tony Bennett was poignantly humble in his admiration for Amy’s genius. and played part of the video he made with her.

Bruno Mars horrified me by singing “Valerie,” but in the end he made me cry by singing directly to Amy. God bless him with his retro pompadour and his great horn section!

Lil’ Wayne came out and rapped about how angry he was. Every third word was bleeped out but one “Fucking” escaped in the last verse, in which I think he compared himself to John Lennon. He took his shirt off and ran around like a crazed monkey. I’m sure he’s a very nice person in real life.

That’s all I remember. Let me know if I missed anything important.

“Filming began Tuesday on “Oz: The Great and Powerful,” the star-studded new-spin prequel to “The Wizard of Oz,”  in Michigan, Disney announced. James Franco takes the lead as the young pre-Wizard, a magician who finds himself cast off into Oz. There he meets a sparkling group of sister witches — both good and bad — in Rachel Weisz  as Evanora, Michelle Williams as Glinda and  Mila Kunis as Theodora, and alongside his assistant,  played by Zach Braff, he finds himself further and further immersed into the magical land.”

Fuckers!!!!

Intensify your disgust by reading the studio press release.

Sarah Palin gets her hair fixed during a visit to a cholera treatment centre in Haiti. Photograph: Dieu Nalio Chery/AP

Palin emerged from one of the refugee camps housing the hundreds of thousands of Haitians who are still without homes after the earthquake, and said: “They are so full of joy. We are so fortunate in America and we are responsible for helping those less fortunate.”

Palin arrived at the invitation of Franklin Graham, a leading evangelical preacher whose organization, Samaritan’s Purse,   has been accused during other humanitarian crises of putting its evangelical mission ahead of more tangible assistance to those in need.

Oh god, don’t make me go on. You get the drift. Is there no move too cynical or shameless for this bitch? After watching her snuff film, I mean her Reality TV series, where she kills a caribou “for food” even though she lives 4 miles from a Walmart, and where she forces Bristol to club a fish to death, I thought we had hit some kind of bottom.

But as they say, beneath every rock bottom, there’s a trap door. I can’t wait till she runs for president. It will be like one big party on the Titanic.