Ickiest, Stupidest Ad Ever

I came across this ad in Marie Claire a few days ago, and couldn’t believe it wasn’t a joke. “Masque” is a new product for women who would enjoy performing oral sex if only it tasted like chocolate or watermelon.

I think it’s a little strip that dissolves in your mouth like a breath-freshener thingie. The only time I tried one of those mouthwash strips,   I nearly choked to death, trying to spit it out.

Anyway, the ad’s tagline is beyond sickening: “Expect flowers tomorrow” it promises suggestively, showing a happy couple who have evidently managed the tricky completion of oral sex. Their expressions are ridiculous, much like the product itself.

Who are these fucking people who need to “Masque” the taste of sex and then expect flowers?!?

Ladies, if your man pulled out a “Masque” strip before doing his job, wouldn’t you just snarl, “Don’t bother?”   I guess men are  supposed  to be so desperate that they’d send flowers.

This ad and the mentality it reflects is pathetic and gross and makes me want to kill everyone involved.


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33 Responses to Ickiest, Stupidest Ad Ever

  1. Jill says:

    I thought it was funny and immediately ordered it on Amazon. The chocolate version. They sent a free sample of mango.

  2. kristen says:

    I think if you’re in the group who does not enjoy giving oral to your dude, adding some flavoring isn’t going to make it THAT much better, and it certainly isn’t going to turn you into a BJ star. It’s still a schlong in your mouth.

  3. Suspended says:

    I hate chocolate ‘flavoured’ anything…it just stinks. These are so naff that you just know they’re about to include Pina Colada flavour.

    I can’t imagine hating oral sex and really can’t imagine trying to mask such wonderful, vivifying scent. How depressing. Product improvement; A drug to turn oral haters into oral loving monsters (for 60mins or so.)

    Oh, Sister Wolf, the same thing happened to me with those disgusting mouthwash strips. I spent about 30mins spitting and 3hrs feeling the horrible cool air bitterness from my tongue to my lungs. So unpleasant! You can’t even peel the fuckers from the roof of your mouth. They reminded me of those communion wafers they give out in chapels to signify Christs body. They grip with the force of a rampant succubus.

  4. Cami says:

    Holy shit! Damn straight I’d be kicking his face right outta there if he popped one of those strips. If he needs a breath-freshener, what the hell am I doing swallowing, haha!

  5. Marky says:

    If had a bouquet of flowers for every time I…

  6. Sister Wolf says:

    Marky – ….you would own Kew Gardens.

  7. Andra says:

    Well, it sounds quite ridiculous.
    But then again, this whole communion thing with the wafers and wine, eating the body of Christ.
    That’s not normal either!

  8. Aja says:

    Definitely pathetic and gross. If you don’t like it, don’t do it. By all means don’t force yourself to do it by trying to mask the taste. Once again, women pushed back another fifty years . . .

  9. ali says:

    I think anyone who dislikes oral due to flavor is a big fucking baby denying their own sexuality and the beauty of combined human stinks.

    fucking napoleon had fucking josephine rub an apple in her long unwashed pits. THAT’S HOT. fuck the rest.

    OR, rather, don’t.
    spray your bathroom with febreeze and invest in permanent vajazzling. mango masque.

    it’s all the same chemicals anyway.

  10. ali says:

    My comment above is extremely passionate, not because I am a self-righteous neo-hippie, but because I have worked my ass off to become more comfortable with my body, my sexuality and my sexual interactions ….despite what the fucking 21st century has done to assure otherwise.

    It pisses me off that I am supposed to be ok with casually hooking up with people and being walked all over.

    It pisses me off that sex has been sterilized.

    It pisses me off that I am supposed to moan like a banshee and beg for anal sex.

    it pisses me off that I am supposed to lick cum off my lip like it’s ice cream, or, the alernative, EAT A FLAVOR MASQUE, the very existence of which implies I DON’T TASTE GOOD EITHER.

    It pisses me off that I am expected (by most males of my generation) to shave all of my pubic hair off.

    I am SO MAD!!

  11. Sister Wolf says:

    ali – I hear you, believe me. Sex is sacred. Without hair and taste, it’s reduced to social networking.

  12. Sister Wolf says:

    Jill – I wish you wouldn’t encourage them, but I know you meant well.

  13. dexter vandango says:

    For some reason I’m reminded of Robin Williams’ joke about Dr. Ruth: “Oral sex? What does that woman know about oral sex? She won’t even eat pork..”

  14. Sam says:

    Ok, so now I have seen it all.
    Stop the world I want to get off.

  15. It makes me want to vomit – and not brush my teeth for three days.

  16. stels says:

    hey sister, this has nothing much to do with what you’ve just written but:

    she looks almost like you!

  17. MJ says:

    I think that the ad itself bothers me even more than the concept – the facial expressions scream “OMG do you know what I just tolerated? It was like eew but pina colada too!”

    God save us from smug, self-satisfied facial expressions in ads.

  18. annemarie says:

    “Without hair and taste, it’s reduced to social networking”– you’re a fucking genius Sister Wolf! I bow down before you.

  19. Stella Mayfair says:

    masque — come on, really???
    i’m 100% with ali here.

  20. Cricket9 says:

    No need for Masque, why not just spray massive amounts of Febreeze on absolutely everything/everyone – or better yet, just suck on a bottle of Febreeze instead? I’m sure the level of pleasure would be the same as with Masque, for both involved parties.

  21. Taylor says:

    Oh god. I have a horror story about this.

    I dated this guy briefly in high school who had dated another girl before me. She apparently HATED giving oral sex, to the point of refusing to perform it. She hated the ‘taste.’ So my ex, Nathan, SUGGESTED to her to try wrapping a piece of chewed gum around his member.

    Naturally, the only type of gum she had on hand was Big Red. You can imagine how the story ends.

    On a side note, no one has ever bought me flowers. Ever.

  22. jlynn says:

    Disgusted and incredulous, I looked at the Masque website where I was surprised to learn that there are Masque “events” where you can “register” and become a “MEMBER” *snicker*

  23. candy says:

    ALSO SOMETHING what’s that obsession with going pubic-hair-less also, why do SOME MEN hate hair on a woman? I don’t understand that obsession of the iroquois hairstyle down there, or shaving everything. I don’t like yeti style either but some hair is nice. It’s like society is trying to keep us from being women. Also, in this ad you noticed the smiles etc..but the sheer stockings are also weird in this picture, with all this package (masque and smiles and all)…seriously about the hair, somepeople say it reminds them of the porn movies of the 70’s with the hair….

  24. R says:

    “ali — I hear you, believe me. Sex is sacred. Without hair and taste, it’s reduced to social networking.”

    omg this made my day.

  25. Lucy says:

    I’d like to think this is one of those ‘only in America’ things, but…it’s this princess mentality that I HATE in modern society, we are supposed to love cupcakes and whoops spend too much on our credit cards, aren’t we naughty? and have waaay too many shoes!!! *giggles*
    If men were to even slightly insinuate that they did not love oral sex, they would be run out of town as insensitive, unsexy, outdated people not fit to date Charlotte, let alone Carrie or Samantha!! But if women deign to perform it, take me to Prada honey!
    Words fail me.

  26. dexter vandango says:

    Apparently money can made from anything.. like those horrid feminine hygiene deodorants meant to mask the natural fragrance of women.

    Maybe someone could market a fragrance copying the true whiff of women? I’d buy it to spray my apartment just before my ex comes by for a visit.. to make her jealous..

  27. Marketa says:

    …shit, so it went even further than the current imperative of being shaved down there… people must be so bored. jeez, take a book, listen to birds, and watch the moon. i fucking hate this.

  28. Aly says:

    Haha, my husband likes the shaved look. I “surprised” him the other day…only this time I reverse-mohawked my pubes! Ha

  29. Desiree says:

    I really can’t see this concept taking off in Oz … oh my god, you cannot even imagine the public ridicule the company would cop if they tried selling Masque here … it would be immense! If you’re not gonna go commando with your regular partner, well poor you … hehe!

  30. Eliza says:

    Though I understand your objection, Lucy, I think it’s more ridiculous along the lines that of course Real Womenâ„¢ just hate icky, degrading carnal acts but will be rewarded with nonsexual reciprocation like uprooted plantlife. I don’t want flowers. Sex is give and take and I would expect my partner to return the gesture once in awhile.

  31. Lorii W says:

    The comments above are so spot on, particularly this one – “it’s reduced to social networking.” Definitely one of the best observations. I applaud your responses. Good on you all, I love it, bring it on & let’s stop this abhorrent oral sex stigma. It’s so very 1990s/2000s cliche, isn’t it? And it’s such a fucked up Facebook generation we live in. Pathetic. This ‘product’ appears to have been created by moronic women who generally give females a bad name & who live by very base double standards. OK for you to be pseudo & ‘demand’ the orgasm via him going down on you but not OK vice versa? Wake up to yourself, you stupid fucking ‘flavoured’ idiots. I apologise for my profanity but it’s necessary in this situation. This product ad also smacks of too many idiotic women reading Cleo-Cosmopolitan-Marie Claire type magazines & thinking they’re oh so liberated & feminist. Stick this ‘product’ up your arse & may you gain more pleasure from doing that than sticking it in your mouth. Crude, rude, but honesty hurts most people.

  32. littlebadwolf says:

    didn’t the expected ‘flowers’ mean something else a woman could expect?

  33. Sea Monkey says:

    “This ad and the mentality it reflects is pathetic and gross and makes me want to kill everyone involved.”

    Tip: Kill everyone involved. You may successfully blame it on the government.

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