Like every fashion-conscious consumer, I spend time every day scrolling through the latest arrivals at Matches, Net-a-Porter, ssense, Neiman Marcus, LL-CC and websites I’m too embarrassed to mention.  I consider the scrolling a duty, and a big success if I don’t want anything.

The trends I’m seeing lately fall into four categories. Logomania is by far the most offensive. We expect declarative logos from Gucci and Chanel, but now they’re everywhere, on everything. Fendi has gone all out, with it’s logo defacing nearly every item. Those Fendi F’s were never exactly eye candy; now they’re a genuine blight.

Balenciaga, Lowe, Off-White, Kenzo, Helmut Lang, Martine Rose, Valentino, Vetements, even the famously nondescript A.P.C. is getting in on this. You won’t have to wait till next year for people to feel sorry for you if you invest now in an ugly Balenciaga bag with the word BALENCIAGA slapped across it in block letters.

Remember how at one point, we all agreed it was stupid to be a human billboard for brands? Sports brands were the exception, like Adidas crowns and stripes. Fashionable people shunned logos as vulgar, while the aspirational (i.e., middle class) shopper continued to long for a real or fake Louis Vuitton bag to prove their social standing and discretionary income.

Today, according to Emily Gordon-Smith, head of fashion at research consultancy Stylus, the key word behind the Logomania craze is “irreverence.” She thinks that people who buy into this trend are doing it ironically. On the other hand, designer Martine Rose insists her use of logos is “post-ironic.” Whatever the excuse is, this trend needs to stop. I think I speak for every non-It-Girl when I say that if I need to know what brand you’re wearing, I’ll ask you.

Also having a long moment is the Sisterwife look, sometimes described as a “prairie” look by style editors trying to persuade you to buy cowboy boots. High necks, long skirts, and ruffles add up to a self-conscious schoolmarm effect that would be cute at a butter-churning party but has no place on a city street. I mean, fine, it’s your choice, but it’s the opposite of chic, if that matters to you.  Just take it away for fucksake!

Saint Laurent is pushing its signature prostitute look, but even more aggressively than usual in its leather hotpants worn with thigh-high boots. Attico is climbing on board the hooker wagon with some feathered mini dresses that barely cover the butt. Balmain is sticking with garish leopard print and sequined mini’s whose plunging necklines drive home the sex-for-sale aesthetic. Even Christopher Kane has succumbed with trashy-looking velvet mini’s for evening-wear.

Finally, we have those big shaggy coats that keep coming back to haunt us, but this year it’s less groupie than Bigfoot. “Fun” colors and raggedy textures seem to be saying, “Just kidding!” and to signify faux fur to the vegans among us. But some brands are sticking with fur, like oversized shearling jackets with quirky buttons or trimmings to counter the old-school glamour of  wearing dead animals. Look for Givenchy‘s “voluminous” chevron-pattern fake fur to be knocked off by Topshop et al. in the next ten minutes.

Other trends like menswear suits and plaid mash-ups will be asserting themselves, and luxury brand street-wear will be ever-present until someone makes it illegal, but the four fads I’ve focused on are the ones to avoid (or indulge in, as the case may be) as you consider your style options. Remember: More is more except when it’s already too much.

God almighty, it just gets worse. I came across this tragic t-shirt at Ben Sherman (where I went after seeing some Ben Sherman trousers somewhere else, after spending what seemed like five hours of frenzied searching for the shoes I vowed not to buy.*)

Who actually started this military/marching band trend?   Was it Balmain, or was it Philip Lim? I see no end of it in the forseeable future. And I plan to make the most of it! I am going to savor every minute as the look makes its way to Forever 21 and Walmart.

Fashion trends seem more and more desperate. Just a few short years ago, I tried to sell an elaborately beaded Balmain suit on eBay, and I ended up getting $30 for it. I couldn’t understand why people weren’t dying to own it! It was fucking Balmain! But no one seemed aware of Balmain except for me and the old lady who manages the thrift-shop where I bought it.

Now that actress/disloyal label-whore Jennifer Connelly has dropped Balenciaga for Balmain, the whole thing has clearly jumped the shark. Don’t feel hurt, Balenciaga! Jennifer Connelly wasn’t even loyal to her own nose!**   Or to eating!

* Don’t worry, I didn’t buy the shoes.

** For more exciting celebrity plastic surgery, go here.

We all know that Beth Ditto is the new must-have accessory, but now I’m seeing evidence that Fat is the new fake trend in the new fake zeitgeist.

This model, Crystal Renn, is featured in Australian Harper’s Bazaar in a layout that “proves big is beautiful.”

Okay, good. She is indeed a beautiful woman, but this photo seems a little cruel. She looks vulnerable and somehow deformed. I don’t know. The same might be said of anorexics, but still. I’m not buying it.

Now we have American Apparel contributing to “Colossal Clothing” instead of just making their own shit in xxx-large.

Is this part of the New Economy? Will we all be eating junk food to stay alive and/or anesthetize our fear?

Now don’t get all mad at me about this; I’m just observing a trend. It’s not me being all size-ist. I’m as fat as the next person, at least in my mind, where it counts most. Here is a picture of a thrift shop dress I got a few months ago, size 4, and yet a Vision of Waistlessness. I am not yet worthy of hanging out with Kate Moss, but no little wisp of a fashion blogger, either.

Just be glad I didn’t take six different poses of this dress. And don’t tell me how I’m rocking it.

All other arguments are welcome!