If you’re unacquainted with Judith Butler, you’re in for a real treat. Judith Butler “is an American philosopher and gender studies scholar whose work has influenced political philosophy, ethics, and the fields of third-wave feminism, queer theory, and literary theory.” If you don’t agree with her ideas about gender, you are a fascist.

Her latest pronoun of choice is they, but I will refer to her as she because (1.) she is a single, and not plural, unit and (2.) I  just feel like it. She is a professor at Berkeley and has received 14 honorary degrees. In other words, she is a big deal. According to many, she is among the most influential intellectuals alive today.

Let’s start with this: In her book Gender Trouble, Butler claims that biological sex, like gender, is socially constructed, with its physical manifestations mattering only to the degree society assigns them meaning. Well, no. I would say nice try, but no.  Gender critical feminists (i.e. feminists who aren’t on board with her ideas) come in for some of her most scathing attacks. They are the victims of “phantasmatic” anxieties and also are big stupid liars whom she compares to Richard Nixon, of all people.

Personally, I don’t give a shit about gender, or not enough of a shit to ponder its meaning. I came across Butler in a critique of her assertion that the events of Oct. 7 constitute “resistance.”  Reading her put forth this idea, I thought, “Who is this pretentious idiot?”

I was delighted to find that she had won first prize in the annual Bad Writing Contest sponsored by the journal Philosophy and Literature – a prize given to “the ugliest, most stylistically awful” sentence submitted by its readers . Here is her winning sentence:

The move from a structuralist account in which capital is understood to structure social relations in relatively homologous ways to a view of hegemony in which power relations are subject to repetition, convergence, and rearticulation brought the question of temporality into the thinking of structure, and marked a shift from a form of Althusserian theory that takes structural totalities as theoretical objects to one in which the insights into the contingent possibility of structure inaugurate a renewed conception of hegemony as bound up with the contingent sites and strategies of the rearticulation of power.

You have to love her, right? I mean, she gave us the concept of gender performativity!Wikipedia notes that

Butler also explores how gender can be understood not only as a performance, but also as a “constitutive constraint,” or constructed character. They ask how this conceptualization of an individual’s gender contributes to notions of bodily intelligibility, or comprehension, by other individuals. Butler continues to discuss bodily intelligibility by means of sex as a “materialized” entity, upon which cultural, collective ideals of gender can be built. From this angle, Butler interrogates value conscription upon various bodies as determined theories and practices of heterosexual predominance.

Whatever. I suggest that you don’t waste your brain cells trying to decipher this gibberish, just be aware that you’re not allowed to object to any of it. If you’re a woman (a human born with a reproductive system that produces eggs) or a non-man, as some gender identity theorists might say, you are a TERF  for taking issue with Judith Butler. If you’re a man, I don’t know what happens. Probably you’re just a homophobic colonialist defender of the patriarchy.

Please do your own research on Judith Butler, I promise you it is more fun and rewarding than anything you can do online besides getting into arguments on Instagram. Also, note that I didn’t title this “Judith Butler: What a fucking cunt!” She’s more of an irritant, albeit a uniquely flagrant one. And I realize she is low-hanging fruit, but try to resist taking a whack at her!

This morning I said “I hate you” to my toothpaste, and I meant it. Every time I use it, the tube needs to be unclogged. It’s been a while since I last said I Hate You to an inanimate object, although I scream it at the TV several times a day. Alternating with “Just DIE already!”

I remembered writing something I called a Hatefest, and when I found it, I was impressed by how comprehensive it is. I know for a fact that I’m still as full of hate, if not more so, than when I wrote it. But my powers of recall and word retrieval are shit. Yesterday I couldn’t remember the word for lint, and tried “fluff” instead.

But back to hate, I am suspicious of people who claim not to hate anyone. Ever. Have you encountered these people? I’ve married two of them. They maintain that hatred is unknown to them. They dislike people, yes, but don’t hate. I used to imagine their mommies admonishing them as children, “No, we never hate! We dislike.” I remember a childhood friend whose mom told us, “We don’t say ‘I’m mad’! Say ‘I’m aggravated!'”

But these non-haters insist that it’s not that; it’s just an emotion they don’t experience. My latest theory is that they hate as much as us haters, but they just name it something else, like anger or revulsion or something. It’s just semantics.

(Unless it’s alexithymia, i.e. the inability to express or identify your emotions, a whole other story.)

If you can’t name at least 5 people you hate, just go away. Or get a note from your doctor.

Let the Hatefest begin!

Taylor Swift
Swiftees
Madonna
The Row
Laura Ingraham
Laura Trump
IvankaTrump
Jared Kushner
Imagine Dragons
That guy in the Strokes
J. Lo
the word “cropped” when applied to clothing
“how’s that working for you?”
Tom Ford
John Hamm
flavored coffee
Mitch McConnell
pro-lifers
butterfly tattoos
new words for homeless
Shein
proving I’m not a robot
Cormac McCarthy
Golden Goose sneakers
The Kardashians
David Duchovny
duck lips
my ex-husband
TikTok
memes
Chihuahuas
celebrity interviews
“got any plans for the weekend?”
Anna Wintour
Jack Harlow
Noam Chomsky
Anais Nin
Star Wars
MAGA
erectile dysfunction commercials
Steely Dan
people who call their dogs “rescues”
celebrities named Hailey
that awful guy who was married to Lisa Bonet
Doja Cat
Coco Chanel
hard seltzer
people who drink hard seltzer

That’s it for starters.

What did I leave out?

Annual lists of new words are usually a treasure trove of portmanteau and tech slang, with something for everyone to screech “EW!” about. The American Dialect Society’s list for 2022 is rich in both, predominately youth culture slang that slipped right by me, like “rizz.” I  generally like to keep up, but not knowing what rizz means was actually a blessing in disguise. In fact, it’s such an annoying word  that I’m choosing to believe it doesn’t even exist (like “goblin mode”).

Getting back to The American Dialect Society, its word for 2022 is the suffix “-ussy” from “pussy”

(as in “bussy” = “boy pussy,” now humorously attached to many
words) also -ussification: the process of creating new blended words with the -ussy suffix.

Runners-up included “quiet quitting”, “nepo baby”, “Dark Brandon”, and BFFR.

Words and terms about gender issues have proliferated in the last year, and here it’s hard not to sound reactionary in response to how difficult they are to navigate. In 2018, Amherst College posted a document titled Common Language Guide, with a 40 page glossary of terms serving “a need to come to a common and shared understanding of language…around identity, privilege, oppression and inclusion.”

Uh-oh. Here’s how the guide defines heterosexuality:

“A term developed as diagnosis of the hyper-infatuation with a different sex, first used by sexologist Karl-Maria Kertbeny in 1868…. [It] is used today to denote the normalized dominant sexual identity.”

Hmph! Now I feel a little less-than, know what I mean? I was comfortable with being hetero but now I see I might need to apologize for it. The definition of femininity is more strident, so brace yourselves. It includes the subtle admonishment, “Performing femininity in a culturally established way is expected of people assigned female at birth.” In this view, femininity is fraudulent, a performance, unless you’re queer or trans.

The  guide warns against “homonormativity,” or

the ever-present phenomenon where members of the LGBTQ+ community subscribe to heteronormative approximations of intimate, romantic and sexual lives that are the product of white, neoliberal (capitalist), sexist, transmisogynistic and cissexist norms.

And that’s fine, up to a point. That point would be the inability to converse with other humans without stepping into a minefield of acronyms designed to recognize categories of “identity.” Yesterday, I encountered the term “persons with male bodies” for the first time. Keep it up, you guys (okay, not “guys, how about “comrades?) and life will be one big microaggression.

Apparently, the document has been removed from the college website but I feel enriched by learning the term transmisogynoir (“the marginalization of black trans women and trans feminine people that is inclusive of transphobia, racism, and misogyny, and how all of these intersect.”) Now that’s a wonderful portmanteau, not as good  as mansplaining but still music to the ear.

Just yesterday, I read the word “manfluencer” and laughed out loud. Adding man as a prefix, like mancave and manosphere, is always fun, but I hunger for more and better manonyms, like the one I made up to describe male sulking: “mannui” (pronounced, duh, män-wee). At the same time, I can’t stand terms with lady thrown in, like “ladyboner,” ladyparts, or even Lady Gaga. Words can have different effects on different people, but some are universally disliked (moist) or enjoyed (gossamer). Just recently, I’ve been especially sensitive to “lived experience.” It’s so, so awful.

Young people today are inventing words that infantalize, like lil, smol, feels, and adulting, which handily explains their entire stance. Good for them. I’m just glad I can still use dope and wack to signal my feels, in case they are interested. And I have my own list of words that I’m ready to banish for 2023. Here they are:

Yassss (a perennial scourge, like “journey”)
thicc
thirsty
fam
main character
if I’m honest
GOAT
check all the boxes
understood the assignment
pro tip
cringe
fire

But here’s something to feel good about: Compared to their older counterparts, Gen Z are more concerned about how they use slang in conversation. Nearly half (46%) of Gen Z Americans worry about using slang terms incorrectly, compared to 32% of Baby Boomers.

Love to see it.

As I’m always saying, words matter! Unless you excel at interpretive dance, use them with care. Or to quote Jules in Pulp Fiction: English, Motherfucker!

*disclosure: Some have expressed concern about my absence. I’m finding it hard to write, due to senility and existential malaise. So don’t worry, I’m still here. Sort of. xo

A few weeks ago, the New York Times published a long piece about an awful socialite nobody’s ever heard of and called her “The New Queen of L.A.” One of the descriptive terms applied to her that I enjoyed was:  Ms. Staudinger is a voracious content consumer.

In the same conversation, she’ll recommend a documentary on music in 1971, a book on Los Angeles in 1974 and a TikTok she saw about brain vibrations.

Whoever she is, there were 650 comments complaining about her lack of appeal and importance. But I now refer to myself as a voracious content consumer, because I can’t stop trying to consume “content” in the hope that I will become a better person once I know everything about everything.

This compulsive consumption takes up nearly all my waking hours. I subscribe to fifty thousand newsletters covering politics, art, pop culture, psychology, books, even one from a Christian Ministry for its philosophical essays. I have to read all of them or at least scan them. I get the NYT online, and I have to read all the breaking news, then I have to decide which features to read: the Op-Eds, the heartbreaking human interest pieces, the latest celebrity-adjacent suicide, the film reviews, the health tips, the latest tech, the bemused shit about Those Kids and Their TikTok, and more. Basically, everything but sports. Thank god I hate sports.

Then I have to open all the email from shopping sites that promise to help me look like a French It-Girl. Then I have to scroll through Instagram before googling Pete Davidson.

I still worry that I’m missing  something important. It makes me anxious. But I haven’t been able to stop or even cut back in this stupid endeavor. My brain is filled with information that I don’t have time to process or make use of.

And it stops me from writing! I can’t tell if the stuff I’m dwelling on is interesting to anyone but me. And I don’t want to regurgitate the accepted wisdom of the day. Because we live in “an Attention Economy” according to a billion think-pieces.

Here’s what is foremost in my mind though:

How long will Donald Trump be tormenting us with his existence?
Why won’t Gym Jordan wear a jacket?
Are they kidding about Hunter Biden’s fucking laptop?
Why does Elon Musk want the whole world to hate him?
Is Morpheus8 better than Softwave?
Is silicone really that bad for your hair?
Why aren’t religious people concerned about who made god?
Why did Jane Aldridge marry that creepy gay guy?
Why do we take antidepressants when they’re only slightly more effective than placebos?
Why do people now say “If I’m being honest” instead of “to be honest” ?
Why is everybody writing about the crisis facing men and boys?*
Can we value any experience without documenting it?
Why can’t we explain the persistence of antisemitism?*
Why are people still impressed by luxury brands?
What happens when young people aspire to be Influencers instead of astronauts?
Why can’t we ever get enough of Jeffrey Dahmer?

* I plan to write about these topics because they continue to fascinate me, as soon as I stop voraciously consuming more content. Do you think I should bother? Let me know.

Meanwhile, I’m compiling a file of all-new stupendously egregious denim! Stand by for that too.

I have already complained about my trouble retrieving words, and about my senility, which is currently resulting in the escalating loss of jewelry and household objects. But here’s something new: Along with the loss of my vocabulary, is an increased sensitivity to word usage.

If this sounds contradictory, think again. The loss of my words makes existing words all the more potent. Or maybe it’s just an autistic sensory thing, like reacting to the seams in your socks. I’m trying to read a long essay about friendship in the Atlantic, but each misjudgement in the prose is killing me.

I can say misjudgement not out of pedantry ( is that the correct word??) but simply because my ear knows right from wrong. I can’t help it. It’s not an achievement, it’s just innate, like a sense of smell. It’s sprachgefühl.

I asked my husband, a musician, what it feels like to hear someone play the wrong note, but it turns out there are several kinds of wrong in music. Plus, he doesn’t “feel” things as acutely as I do, according to him. But he agreed that a singer who can’t follow a tune is exasperating.

I might not be able to know a wrong note from a hole in the ground, but I do know this: The following sentence is ruined by one single word.

Most of us have [Problem Friends] though we may wish we could tweeze them from our lives.

Right? The word tweeze right there is so awful. It makes you wince. Clearly the author chose that word deliberately but did she want us to wince? Why not just use expunge or expel? Even “jettison” would be better, although I hate that word and would be glad to forget it. Or if she’s trying to be funny, how about “defenestrate”?  Defenestrate is always funny, even when applied to actual defenestration!

So the essay has become a challenge, since I’m keenly interested in the subject of friendship, but the lapses in judgement are like potholes interrupting my flow. Was potholes good for you? Are you glad I said it was a challenge rather than calling it “problematic?” I could have said, “like nails on a chalkboard” but then I’d feel bad about myself.

You see how troublesome this shit is. Before I forget, I wanted to share a list of words I couldn’t retrieve in the last few weeks. My plan was to keep a comprehensive list and then try to compose haiku with them. But I keep forgetting to write them down, because senility. Here’s my list:

mariachi
linens
Napoleon Dynamite
rapport
attention
shingles
surface
hindrance
concierge
kangaroos
concierge
tsunami.

I wrote concierge twice because I keep forgetting it. I keep wanting to say “Courvoisier” even though I didn’t know what it was before googling it.

Getting back to the Atlantic essay, try this sentence:

But the lacuna in the literature is also a little odd.

God, what the fuck?? Lacuna, for fucksake? Why not just gap? I mean, I see that it’s an alliteration, but when an alliteration interrupts the idea being conveyed because it’s so stupid and uncalled for, why use it? When I used to read books and screenplays for a living, I remember having to read something by Danielle Steele. Her writing is so bad that I started screaming “editor!’ every few minutes. I guess that’s what makes a best seller.

Anyway, I plan to finish reading the essay and see if I can retrieve enough words to write my own essay on friendship, or rather the break-up of friendships, and how painful or liberating it can be. I am getting to be an expert on this. In the time of Covid, I’m finding I have no tolerance of craziness in my relations, despite being desperate for companionship. I use to quip that “I want to be the craziest person in a relationship” and this holds true more than ever. Or, if you prefer, “now more than ever.”

Surprise, I’m focusing on the positive! Because there are still good things, and here’s a short list.

 Pete Davidson and Kim Kardashian

Isn’t this fantastic! Who could have imagined this?? When she broke up with Kanye, it seemed preordained that Kim would hook up with a wealthy Black athlete or maybe another rap “artist”. But no, instead she chose a scrawny white guy and self-professed stoner. Pete has plowed, ahem, his way through every other single female celeb, so maybe it had to happen, or maybe his Big Dick Energy was the attraction? I guess Kim likes her men to be bi-polar, and why not? I hope this goes on for eternity or at least the next few months. Please don’t let me down, Pete and Kim. You’re living your best lives! Take that, Ariana!

The Beatles Documentary. If you’re a boomer or even a culturally literate Gen X or Y, this is just heaven. I actually changed my mind about Paul, who I’ve hated for years and years. Watching these talented, witty, charismatic young men hang out together and create the soundtrack to our youth is enthralling. I never realized their beauty, because I was too young to recognize it. Their glossy hair and beautiful skin and radiant smiles are pure  magic. Just think: we’ve seem more images of the Beatles than of our own families or anything else. They are the best part of us, aren’t they, boomers? George’s style is a nice surprise (to me), as is Yoko’s relative harmlessness. Be prepared for a flood of nostalgia.

Norsemen.  Another gift from TV, Norsemen is a Norwegian series filmed in English, a deranged satire of Vikings, reminiscent of What We Do in the Shadows but more outrageous in it’s extreme battle scenes and it’s over-the-top homo-erotic (or homophobic) subtext. Every actor is totally committed to the deadpan insanity. There are three seasons to binge or savor, on Netflix.

Jean Stafford. What a great writer who I just discovered this year! She won a Pulitzer prize for a collection of short stories, but even more impressive is her second novel, The Mountain Lion. I’m about 3/4 into it and could not be more envious of her brilliance. If you love Flannery O’Connor, I think you will love The Mountain Lion. Jean Stafford has a similarly dark sensibility that seems well-earned, given her miserable life.

Idiotic Word Usage. I am really enjoying the use of “rescue” to mean “dog.” I just heard a news corespondent say “Oh sorry, that’s my rescue barking.” Haha, you idiot, JUST SAY DOG. We’re not giving out points for how you acquired your pet, for fucksake. I’ve read about celebrities enjoying family life with their two rescues. What do you call other dogs….mill-bred? Store-bought?

Then there is “space.”

“In the world, the eating disorder space, and the body positivity space, I don’t think there’s enough time, energy, or resources spent on people on the higher end of the weight spectrum, people who are fat, and people who are gender queer, trans, non-binary,” she said.

This usage is like nails on a chalkboard to me. It was bad enough when “space” meant your apartment. “I like what you’ve done with this space.” Ewwwwwwwwwww! While thinking about this usage, I came across this great glossary of activist terms. It is pretty comprehensive and I would even say poignant. It includes a few words to not use, like “diversity.” Fine with me! Done!

Well, there you go. It’s not much but it’s something. I’m trying to be the shepherd, you know?

If you have some other things to feel good about, let’s hear from you!

Can anyone think of another female vocalist who complained so much about being dumped?

If you happened to see her perform on Saturday Night Live over the weekend, you are probably wondering how you can get those ten minutes back. A tedious new version of some song that her fans loved back in the day when it was only 5 minutes long, it was the stupidest thing ever. My husband and I both laughed and groaned throughout, wondering why there was a video of a couple mooning around in the background. Didn’t she think she could hold our attention with her big chunky white veneers and hair-flipping?

Anyway, if you didn’t see it, the new song is about her break-up with Jake Gyllenhaal, when she was 21 and he was 30. Apparently, the 9 year age difference is one of his felonies, like keeping her scarf. 21 and 30 sounds pretty normal to me. Do couples have to be within a couple of years in age these days? Is anything else exploitation or a power imbalance? Poor Jake really takes a beating, because he dared to get tired of her. But victimhood is her brand. First it was Jon Mayer, boo hoo, then a million other bad, mean boyfriends.

I admit that I don’t know why she’s a star. She seems like such an awful person, obsessed with making money and shifting genres to suit the times. I also admit to a visceral dislike of her physical self. She looks like a rodent and her hunchback or scoliosis is disturbing.

I further admit that she’s been annoying me for years and years. Here’s something I don’t even remember writing!

But it’s so nuts to read a fawning appreciating of her in the New York Times, which I thought was a refuge for normal adults.

“All Too Well” parallels the emotional work that many women have been privately undertaking in the wake of the #MeToo movement: Looking back on past encounters or relationships that left them with a seemingly outsize feeling of unease; wondering what exactly constitutes exploitation or emotional abuse; wishing they could go back and extend some compassion or wisdom to their vulnerable younger selves.

Haha, whatever. If this break-up song is a masterpiece, what is Back to Black?? To paraphrase Etta James, I’d rather go blind than see Taylor Swift perform again.

I wish I had something incisive to say about her as an “artist” or phenomenon, but I’ve always been at a loss, urging millennial friends to explain her appeal. But they always hate her too, because none of my friends are idiots, I guess.

What if all her mean boyfriends got together and wrote a song about dating her?? Why can’t we have that? All the guys would get cancelled for their toxic masculinity, sure, but why can’t they sacrifice themselves for the greater good?

If you can explain Taylor’s success, please, I would love to know! Mean while, enjoy Amy and Etta, who know how to take a romantic punch.

*Scarf exegesis here.

I ordered a perfume sample and got the wrong one. A journey into the dark heart of a Mad Tea-party ensued:

 

Hi Joanne,

I’m the founder and creative director of Sigil and I wanted to say thank you for your purchase from us. At Sigil, we are committed to bringing you the highest-quality, gender-fluid, natural fine fragrances and beauty essentials. We also believe in doing business for good. Our social mission sees us giving back to nonprofits who directly reflect our vision and values.

We appreciate your business, and are excited to have you in our community. If you have any feedback, or want to say hi, reply to this email. As a special treat, use the code MODERNALCHEMY at checkout to shop with 15% off your next purchase.

We’d love to hear from you. Be sure to follow along with us on Instagram for all the latest, too.

With love,
Patrick Kelly
Sigil founder

To: Sigil <info@sigilscent.com>
Thank you for your nice welcome. Here is my problem: I wanted to order a sample of Amor Fati, which sounds like something I would love.

But on the Amor Fati page, when you click on “sample”, it brings you to the Individual Sample page. There, I clicked on “add to cart” without realizing that there was a drop down menu where I had to scroll down to Amore Fati.

So, instead of Amore FAti, I was sent Aqua Viridi (the first item in the drop down menu.) And it is truly awful to my nose!!!!

I can’t take the time to go to the post office to send this sample back to you. I would like a sample of Amore Fati, though. I think it should be complimentary, due to the confusing mechanism of ordering a sample.

I expect to love Amor Fati, and would be more than happy to leave an enthusiastic review!

Best,
Joanne Wolf

Sigil Scent <info@sigilscent.com> Tue, Oct 26, 2021 at 3:01 PM
To: Joanne Wolf
Hi Joanne,

Thank you for your email. The product you’re purchasing is also available for confirmation twice at checkout to be sure there are no questions. You can use the checkout code SIGILFRIEND for a very generous discount at checkout.

Enjoy,
Sigil

[the generous discount was $5]

Joanne Wolf    Tue, Oct 26, 2021 at 3:21 PM
To: Sigil Scent <info@sigilscent.com>
The sample link on the Amor Fati page defaults to a different product! Maybe you could clarify this to your customers.

Here’s what I would like to happen to resolve this: Please send me what I wanted and paid for in the first place, a sample of Amor Fati.

I look forward to resolving this matter.

Thanks,
Joanne Wolf

info@sigilscent.com <info@sigilscent.com> Tue, Oct 26, 2021 at 3:27 PM
To: Joanne Wolf
Hi Joanne,

Thank you for your response.

As you mentioned previously, there is only one sample product detail page with a drop down to select the sample you would like. I’ll send a note to our developer to see if there’s any way to try to have the dropdown force select based on the referring URL that came before the product page. But it’s the customer’s responsibility to confirm cart contents reflect their intended purchase. You are served an itemized list at the cart summary page before entering your card or payment info, where it lists the name of the sample(s) and any other items in your cart.

We don’t accept returns or exchanges and do not offer refunds.

If you’d like to cover the cost of shipping from our warehouse I can try to get the cost of a new order for an Amor Fati sample covered, without shipping. Let me know.

Cheers,
Sigil

Joanne Wolf      Tue, Oct 26, 2021 at 3:41 PM
To: Sigil <info@sigilscent.com>
I’m disappointed by your response. Shipping is around 7$ and I’ve already spent $24 for something I don’t want, due to your problematic coding.

I buy things online all the time! And this has NEVER happened to me.

I will leave an honest review of Aqua Viridi, and I can also mention your rude customer service on Instagram and on my own website, https://godammit.com/

with sadness,
Joanne

info@sigilscent.com <info@sigilscent.com> Tue, Oct 26, 2021 at 4:02 PM
To: Joanne Wolf
Hi Joanne,

Sorry to hear offering you a free sample after shipping costs won’t be agreeable.

We understand your frustration, and for others’ sake will see if there’s any other way we can make it more clear that what’s in your cart is what you’ll receive after checkout.

Also very sorry to hear you found our service rude as we strive to listen for understanding.

Let us know if you change your mind on our offer to send you a free sample.

Sigil
An experiment in modern alchemy®

Joanne Wolf      Wed, Oct 27, 2021 at 1:25 PM
To: Sigil <info@sigilscent.com>
Well, so many things to digest!

First, you sent me a reply to my review of Aqua Viridi, but did not publish the review. Why is that? Only positive reviews published or what?

Second, returning to your website, I see that when you put a product in your cart, ANOTHER PRODUCT IS ADDED that you have to manually uncheck in order not to buy it! Who are you guys, Donald Trump?? This is one of the dodgy practices that have been reported on the Trump donation page! How terrible! Again, I buy things online all the time and have NEVER encountered this! You guys should be ashamed. It is clearly deliberate and not a coding bug.

Third, I order fragrance samples from Smallflower.com on occasion, and they are usually $5 I have subsequently purchased the full size products.

Fourth, I just purchased some lingerie from a small niche company whose policy is: if it doesn’t fit, you may have one FREE exchange, with no charge for return or new shipping. I love my item that I received in the exchange and will be back to buy more.

So, here is a serious question: What’s wrong with you?? You are happy to lose a customer over $7?? Is it the principle that bothers you or does $7 mean that much to your profit report? If I had liked the fragrance I wanted to try, I would have notified all my fragrance-junkie friends, and I would have eagerly purchased the full size bottle. What a win for you, and a great return on a seven dollar investment!

Please think this over and explain your customer service philosophy. I am documenting this conversation and look forward to your response.

Sigil Scent <info@sigilscent.com> Wed, Oct 27, 2021 at 2:51 PM
To: Joanne Wolf
HI Joanne,

I hope you’re having a great afternoon.

I’ll answer your questions below in-line. Please let us know if there’s anything else we can do for you.

Have a great rest of your week.

Sigil

Joanne Wolf    Wed, Oct 27, 2021 at 3:09 PM
To: Sigil Scent <info@sigilscent.com>
I am having a super great afternoon! So nice of you to mention it. I won’t take a screenshot for you. Simply order a sample and watch what happens. A full bottle is added with a total of $140 or something. You need to uncheck the full bottle that you did not ask for! May we not be honest here?

regarding my negative review: it is sincere and not the result of a threat. I see that you don’t show a single negative review…dishonest and no help to the consumer.

I do think that others should be warned about your hostile and deceitful practices and will do my best to get the word out. Not a threat but merely an honest effort to spare others this unpleasant experience.

You have a blessed day, okay?

love,
Joanne

Sigil Scent <info@sigilscent.com> Wed, Oct 27, 2021 at 5:34 PM
To: Joanne Wolf
Thank you, Joanne.

I’ve tried to replicate the issue but am unable to do so. My guess is you did have a full size in your cart. Nothing can be added there without the customer choosing to add to cart.

You’re our first review below 3 stars! We just launched reviews on October 1.

We’ve been very thorough in our explanations and answers to all your concerns about our policies, your checkout experience, etc. Let us know if we can do anything else for you. Have a great week and weekend ahead.

Cheers,
Sigil

Joanne Wolf    Wed, Oct 27, 2021 at 6:52 PM
To: Sigil Scent <info@sigilscent.com>
I do have one more concern re your policies: given the length of this correspondence, I’m wondering if it’s the principle, or the seven dollars that motivates you? Surely the time you’ve put in today was worth far more than $7, unless you’re a volunteer.

I hope you’re having a great evening and that every single day henceforth brings you rapture and personal fulfillment. Top that!

yours sincerely,
Joanne

[days pass, during which, Karen-like, I write to the fragrance website where I first encountered Sigil scents, and advised them of my bad experience]

Sigil Scent <info@sigilscent.com> Tue, Nov 2, 2021 at 10:56 AM
To: Joanne Wolf
Hi Joanne,

I hope you’ve been having a great week so far. Happy autumn.

Your concern was escalated to our leadership and we were able to make a small quality of life improvement to our checkout experience. So now the mini-cart more clearly displays the variant name of the sample, not just when you get to the payment processing/cart confirmation view.

Anyway, all this to say we probably wouldn’t have caught this for a while without you mentioning the confusion you experienced.

So we wanted to send along a $50 digital gift card. You’ll receive an email with that info shortly. I hope this helps. Thanks again for being so understanding and thorough in your explanations before.

Cheers,
Sigil

Joanne Wolf    Thu, Nov 4, 2021 at 2:35 PM
To: Sigil Scent <info@sigilscent.com>
What a delightful outcome to this tawdry conflict! My quality of life has definitely risen a notch or two by your timely attention to the website glitch.

I can’t wait to try the fragrance I intended to buy in the first place!

Wishing you an abundant autumn and a joyous Diwali, followed by a bountiful Thanksgiving, a healthy Hanukkah and a magnificent Christmas to celebrate His birth.

Very very sincerely yours,
Joanne Wolf

I’m sorry but I can’t do my annual exegesis. I kept missing key performances/debacles, but I saw enough to inspire this quiz. Ready?

1. What is the difference between Machine Gun Kelly and Travis Barker?

2. Why is Doja Cat?

3. Olivia Rodrigo is trying to
a. be Taylor Swift
b. be Alanis Morissette
c. annoy the fuck out of me

4. Madonna has
a. morphed into Mae West
b. morphed into Bette Davis
c. lost her mind
d. a thing with her butt

5. Lil Naz X is payback for
a. WAP
b. homophobia
c. our collective sins

6. Travis Scott forgot to thank
a. God
b. his Mama
c. Kylie Jenner
d. Travis Barker
e. Who is Travis Scott? Is he the same as ASAP Rocky?

7. Justin Bieber won artist of the year because
a. you tell me
b. what????
c. Covid

8. Kid Laroi and Jack Harlow are
a. a couple of dudes
b. a couple
c. bank robbers

9. Camila Cabello even irritates my otherwise nonjudgmental husband because of her
a. mediocrity
b. air of importance
c. chunky legs

10. The show’s most noteworthy butt belonged to
a. Chloe
b. That twerking woman with a blond wig whose name I still can’t find out
c. duh, Madge

I watch this show every year because I
a. want to see what the kids are up to
b. feel I owe it to you
c. enjoy being horrified
d. don’t know right from wrong
e. respect tradition
f. feel less-than
e. have no common sense
f. need stuff to sneer at
g. am mentally ill

Okay, let me know how you do. But first, please enjoy Bieber’s acceptance speech! Just trust me on this.

I’m having a big fight with my sister but I don’t have to worry about her reading this because the fight was about her refusal to read my blog.

I don’t feel she’s obliged to read my blog. I’m just fascinated by her militant stance about not reading it. A couple of years ago, I realized that she hadn’t read something I thought she would enjoy, and asked why she didn’t read it.

She said, “I already know you in real life. So I don’t need to read it!” She sounded really annoyed. My husband still thinks this is funny, and he likes to say stuff like, “Did Bob Dylan’s brother say that, when Bob wanted to play him a song?”

So, I’m not Bob Dylan, but it might be a useful analogy because it implies an inexplicable resistance and an absurd excuse for it.

But, unbelievably, it came up again last week when my sister wanted to list words we hate, and I said, “Oh, guess what, I just wrote a thing about that on my blog! Go look, it’s a great list.”

God I am stupid.

She wouldn’t look and said derisively, “I didn’t realize I had to read it NOW.” Reflexively, I asked, “Can you tell me again why you have this fatwa against reading my shit?”

This was texting, by the way. She changed the subject, leaving my question hanging there. Now I really wanted an answer, not least because she was withholding one. I kept repeating the question, and she would write back, “I have a stomach ache.” “I need to lie down.” I asked, “Please just finish this sentence: I will not read my sister’s blog because”.

Now she texted, “Please stop”. It reminded me of that Beverly Hills housewife who winds up a fellow housewife and then shrieks, “Staahp!”

I wouldn’t stop. I called her passive aggressive. Eventually, she announces that she received an email from a family member, that was about me.  I didn’t believe this for a moment, so I asked to see it. She said, No, I don’t have to show it to you.

I called her and offered her $500 to show the nonexistent email to me. When she refused, I offered $1,000, and she still refused! Now I was laughing hysterically. I called her a  pathological liar and advised getting professional help.

So we aren’t talking. I could apologize for insisting on a question she was not equipped to answer. We could go back to our close relationship, and wait for the next bitter conflict.

I wish I could stop trying to get answers from people! No matter how badly you want one, no matter how desperately you try to get one, there is only silence. Or a lie about an email. Or a defensive complaint about being expected to just be honest. People want to be how they are without having to justify behavior. Fair enough. Or not?

Most of the time, I know the answer but just want the person to acknowledge it. Then it becomes a harangue and oops, you are a monster because you won’t give up. In my heart, I believe that I’m willing to answer any question to the best of my ability. It is a feather in my fucking cap. Just try me!

But. A couple of weeks ago, I had a big fight with my wonderful husband (who will read this) when he referred to my hair as “brown.” I flew into a rage and demanded that he call it “blonde.” When he punted, I ran around the house going “BROWN? Brown! Really??”

I have been inside my house for way too long now. It’s too much. My three modes are boredom, anxiety, or wondering if I’m actually dead already. Actually no, that’s a lie, there is “TV Time” in the evening, when we smoke some weed and I enter the reality of Our Shows. If Netflix isn’t the only thing preventing the complete collapse of civilization, I will eat my hat, and yours too.