Surprise, I’m focusing on the positive! Because there are still good things, and here’s a short list.

 Pete Davidson and Kim Kardashian

Isn’t this fantastic! Who could have imagined this?? When she broke up with Kanye, it seemed preordained that Kim would hook up with a wealthy Black athlete or maybe another rap “artist”. But no, instead she chose a scrawny white guy and self-professed stoner. Pete has plowed, ahem, his way through every other single female celeb, so maybe it had to happen, or maybe his Big Dick Energy was the attraction? I guess Kim likes her men to be bi-polar, and why not? I hope this goes on for eternity or at least the next few months. Please don’t let me down, Pete and Kim. You’re living your best lives! Take that, Ariana!

The Beatles Documentary. If you’re a boomer or even a culturally literate Gen X or Y, this is just heaven. I actually changed my mind about Paul, who I’ve hated for years and years. Watching these talented, witty, charismatic young men hang out together and create the soundtrack to our youth is enthralling. I never realized their beauty, because I was too young to recognize it. Their glossy hair and beautiful skin and radiant smiles are pure  magic. Just think: we’ve seem more images of the Beatles than of our own families or anything else. They are the best part of us, aren’t they, boomers? George’s style is a nice surprise (to me), as is Yoko’s relative harmlessness. Be prepared for a flood of nostalgia.

Norsemen.  Another gift from TV, Norsemen is a Norwegian series filmed in English, a deranged satire of Vikings, reminiscent of What We Do in the Shadows but more outrageous in it’s extreme battle scenes and it’s over-the-top homo-erotic (or homophobic) subtext. Every actor is totally committed to the deadpan insanity. There are three seasons to binge or savor, on Netflix.

Jean Stafford. What a great writer who I just discovered this year! She won a Pulitzer prize for a collection of short stories, but even more impressive is her second novel, The Mountain Lion. I’m about 3/4 into it and could not be more envious of her brilliance. If you love Flannery O’Connor, I think you will love The Mountain Lion. Jean Stafford has a similarly dark sensibility that seems well-earned, given her miserable life.

Idiotic Word Usage. I am really enjoying the use of “rescue” to mean “dog.” I just heard a news corespondent say “Oh sorry, that’s my rescue barking.” Haha, you idiot, JUST SAY DOG. We’re not giving out points for how you acquired your pet, for fucksake. I’ve read about celebrities enjoying family life with their two rescues. What do you call other dogs….mill-bred? Store-bought?

Then there is “space.”

“In the world, the eating disorder space, and the body positivity space, I don’t think there’s enough time, energy, or resources spent on people on the higher end of the weight spectrum, people who are fat, and people who are gender queer, trans, non-binary,” she said.

This usage is like nails on a chalkboard to me. It was bad enough when “space” meant your apartment. “I like what you’ve done with this space.” Ewwwwwwwwwww! While thinking about this usage, I came across this great glossary of activist terms. It is pretty comprehensive and I would even say poignant. It includes a few words to not use, like “diversity.” Fine with me! Done!

Well, there you go. It’s not much but it’s something. I’m trying to be the shepherd, you know?

If you have some other things to feel good about, let’s hear from you!

Yes, awful words are still awful, even in a pandemic. Let me put it this way: If I were being drawn and quartered, and someone said “Yaass queen!” I would flinch.

This year has brought a whole trove (or tranche, to use a horrible word that’s having a moment) of stupid words related to Covid 19. Should we bother including them? There are so many!

Pod, bubble, maskne, quarantini, zooming, super-spreader, herd immunity, and all the rest are hard to get away from, and unpleasant reminders of how our culture has devolved. What is your least favorite Covid-related word or phrase? Mine is “new normal.” There are so many that the Oxford English Dictionary, for the first time, declined to choose one for it’s New Word of the Year.

Let’s go with words and phrases that have reared their ugly heads in 2020 to make our miserable lives even more miserable.

Qanon
Proud Boys
“So” at the beginning of each sentence
Fire (meaning great)
Lived experience
Deeper Dive
Unpack
Cancel culture
Truth to power
Self-care
Karen
Tik-tok
Ask as a noun
Shattered norms
Thirst trap
Inflection point

The other day I heard a guy on the news say “Marxian” instead of Marxist. I also heard someone say “uncomfortability.” I objected but nobody cared. People on TV also keep saying stuff like “My wife and myself” or “Myself and my crew” because they must think myself sounds more intelligent than me. People trying to sound intelligent are just ridiculous, whereas people who say “anyways” are at least sincere.

As this fucking horrible year comes to an end, I am ready to announce my vote for most egregious of all new words: WAP. WAP is so tragic, I don’t know where to begin. A wet pussy is obviously a good thing. I mean, it’s better than a dry pussy. It’s a good thing to discuss between lovers. But it doesn’t belong in an anthem!

Snoop Dogg admitted that he was against WAP, explaining that it referred to a “jewel” that a woman should not devalue. I think he got some shit for that on Twitter. Cardi’s husband Whatshisname”pushed back” by saying something about empowering female sexuality. I’m sorry, no. Just as I don’t want a guy to sing about Big Hard Cocks, I don’t want to hear WAP. I wouldn’t want little kids asking about WAP, but that’s just me, i.e. Karen.

Weigh in with your own list of awful words! I want to see what I left out.

I just learned a new word that describes my condition: avolition.

People with avolition often want to complete certain tasks but lack the ability to initiate behaviours necessary to complete them. Avolition is most commonly seen as a symptom of some other disorder, but might be considered a primary clinical disturbance of itself (or as a coexisting second disorder) related to disorders of diminished motivation.

It’s not the same as laziness, which is assumed to be a choice. It’s not the same as apathy, which is:

a lack of feeling, emotion, interest, or concern about something. It is a state of indifference, or the suppression of emotions such as concern, excitement, motivation, or passion. An apathetic individual has an absence of interest in or concern about emotional, social, spiritual, philosophical, or physical life and the world.

I have a surfeit of concern, interest and emotion, currently; I just can’t do anything. Is this Covid related? Is it the result of being stuck at home for a billion days in a row? Of having only one other person in my environment? Of not having to hustle for money? Hours on the couch, watching TV? The lack of concrete things to look forward to, given the uncertainty of the “new normal?”

The term “new normal” still arouses my ire, so that’s good, right? Also the word “Zoom.” Also the shortening of  the already annoying “folks” to “folk.” Folk have grown tired of systemic racism, sure, but so have PEOPLE!

Back to avolition, here are some of the things I can’t do: deal with bills, get dressed, water the lawn, cook, put my shoes away, make the bed, make phone-calls, clean the house, drive, or write. It’s not so much Why Bother as much as it is I just Can’t.

I did force myself to sit at the computer to write this! It might be an aberration or the Something of my condition. What is the word I should use here instead of Something? I genuinely can’t think of it. I could use “abatement” but that’s not a word in my normal lexicon.

Something something something something! Something something.

I started keeping a list of words I was unable to retrieve for either hours or days.
orchid
aurora
Robert Duval

But then I stopped keeping the list, because avolition. I will try to start again. If I get enough to make a haiku, it will be a worthwhile project.

Do projects have to be worthwhile? I hope not. What are you guys up to? Are you putting your shoes away? Any new words? Advice or [something]?

images (c) Wellcome Library

Okay, it’s too much. If I implied that it wasn’t, forgive me, I was wrong.

Last week I read advice on how to take the best selfie of your asshole. It was in a newsletter for men that happens to offer a fun modern take on pop culture. The advice was not meant for me, clearly, but nevertheless she persisted.

The advice made me sad, in a deep 3 am dark night of the soul type of way. Inexpressibly sad. We have come to this, the need to capture our very asshole in the best light, for the admiration of others.

We are our own assholes. All roads lead to assholes.

We crave toilet paper. We joke about it but still look for it on Amazon. Our family members reveal the purchase of bidets from a company called “Tushy.”

The word Tushy brings a whole new cascade of agony and regret. A close friend nearly kills himself when I email him about Tushy. At least I’m not alone in the universe where a single wrong word plunges one into the abyss.

I have had many dreams about overflowing toilets, with shit everywhere. Is this a metaphor for life itself, a pile of unmanageable shit? When I told my sister about the dreams, she assured me that she’s had them too. Is that good or bad?

Now, assholes are everywhere, sharing their personal tales about how they’re spending their time in lock-down. Each asshole feels it’s important to speak their Truth about their Journey.

Here’s a quick list of what I don’t want, in case you need corroboration of your own rage:

Recipes
Exercise routines
Pictures of your cat (or asshole)
funny stories about your domestic conflicts
Cute photos of your beautiful children
Crafts and craft suggestions
Reflections on what you miss most
Platitudes
Silver linings
Amateur or professional performances with guitar or piano

I am starting fights with people, in real life and online. I can’t seem to stop being an asshole, the asshole I’ve always been but now somehow exaggerated in the absence of the usual distractions and inhibitors.

On Instagram, I commented on a nude performance artist, “she loves to be naked and yet so waxed.” This brought down the wrath of everyone across the globe. What kind of feminist was I??? I was a “diet totalitarian!” Why couldn’t I just be positive??

HOW SHOULD I KNOW, FFS! I AM JUST ANOTHER ASSHOLE!

Walking the dog and wearing a pair of Uniqlo boxers over my face, joggers and skateboarders race past me, unmasked. I mutter, “Wear a fucking mask motherfucker”, feeling my own spittle hit the boxers and fly back in my face.

The boxers once covered my ass, I now realize.

And the ex-wife just published her monthly journal thing, comparing herself to the Little Engine That Could.

I cant. I can’t even. I know I can’t, I know I can’t, I just can’t.

Yesterday, I heard MSNBC commentator Ari Melber discussing the infamous memo, and he described it as parsimonious. Naturally, I was upset.

I love Ari Melber. He is so smart, so affable and charming, and I even like his infatuation with rap and hip hop. So the word-usage problem was especially hurtful. I decided to write to him. Here’s what I wrote:

Tonight I heard you use the word “parsimonious” in reference to the stupid memo released today. I was upset because my husband and I just played an imaginary game of Who Would We Rather Have Dinner With, you or Chris Hayes, and you won!!!!

Did you mean to use parsimonious or did you mean to use another word?

No pressure, but everything is hanging on this.

Best regards and thank you for being a light in the wilderness.

Joane xo

I think I was a little stoned, because I misspelled my own name. Funnily enough, Chris Hayes also worried me recently when he used the word disinterested as a synonym for uninterested, which of course it is not. (I now know this glitch to be a phantonym.)

These are little things, but I want the people I respect to be above such mistakes. That’s how much I am invested in words. It’s emotional and visceral and even moral: USE THE RIGHT WORDS, MOTHERFUCKER, to paraphrase Pulp Fiction.

My sister loves it when people say “supposably” but that’s different. That’s just adorable. I love when someone says “had went.” I also loved it when a policeman responded to a complaint about my son’s garage band, and as he lectured us, he said something about “conversating”. My son and I exchanged a look of delight that I’ll always cherish.

Talking to my shrink recently, he encouraged me to let go of something. And I explained that I’m against letting go. Of anything. I just don’t like the concept, because I don’t like the words Let Go. I always interpret them as abandonment. I prefer to hold on, and hold on tight.  I suggested that I refused to Let Go of something, but I was open to walking around it.

How can words not matter? Every word, every inflection, means something. That’s why we have them! As imprecise as they are, you can still come pretty close to expressing your ideas if you know enough words. You can be thrilled to your core by a few words strung together in just the right way. You can be dismayed or even heartbroken as well. If you’re like me, you can go around being exasperated by people who think nonplussed means nonchalant, even though the tide is against you.

Old people, did you know that the expression “Ugh!” now means something positive?

This year, I posted my annual list of words to ban over here. I know you will like it. But I’ve since come across a good list of awful new words I didn’t know about and here’s a few more for good measure:

stratcom
hive mind
wheelhouse
side hustle
highkey
clicktivist

Ew! Or as we used to say, Ugh.

A friend just brought up the subject of using “adult” as a verb, and I figured it’s time to complain about the latest words and usage crimes that are making me flinch.

“Parenting” was bad at first but now I accept it; it will never go away. But adulting? WHY? Can’t you fucking millennials get it through your heads that most of your lives will be spent as a grown up?? Why does it strike you as an amusing condition? Just because you’re too commitment-phobic to buy a car or a house or have children, it doesn’t mean you can act like a baby forever.

Call your Ubers and drink your cold-pressed coffee but don’t come up with these awful words, okay?

A word that’s been cropping up everywhere is “intentional.” It’s a perfectly good word, when you mean “on purpose” and the opposite of “by mistake” or accidental. But does everything you do have to be intentional now? Before you use it, stop and ask yourself if it’s an extraneous word that just makes you sound like an asshole. Better yet, if you like to use it, go here and get back to me.

What about “performative?” People seem to think it makes them sound smart to use this word, but outside of a college classroom, it’s pretentious. Just stop it.

I can’t remember if we’ve discussed “yassssss” before. It literally kills me. I mean literally, because I can feel my soul die a little, each time I see it. That and “woot.”

“Squad” is gut-wrenchingly awful. Are you in middle school? If not, don’t use it and don’t condone its use.

If you read Instagram comments, you should hate these two with all you’ve got: “This is life.” And “This is everything.” Usually it’s in reference to a sweater or something. Can a sweater really be life? Can it be everything? Can’t you just love it or say it’s nice or gorgeous or dope? If it’s life, what’s left?

I’m too angry to continue. Please feel free to add your complaints or argue with mine.

No, wait! I just remembered a word-related moment of joy I experienced last week. I was shopping at a local thrift shop, where the ladies behind the counter are around 100 years old. I heard one of them say to another, “That’s not my jam.” I was astounded; old ladies are that hip now???? Then I turned around and saw that she was talking about an actual jar of jam.

Okay. Your turn!

Let’s think of the small ways we can make our doomed existence more tolerable in the coming year.

I’ll start with words, because they matter.

In 2017, the following words and expressions are hereby banned. If I catch you in the act of using one, I will kill you.

Yassss – No excuse, even ironically. I WILL KILL YOU.

“Dem/Dat ____, though.” – Stop it. You aren’t in Compton. Enough with dis shit.

Push back – Just say disagree or contradict.

Cross-body –  I just hate it and that’s that.

Crop jeans/pants – CROPPED, motherfuckers!

Guys –  Even newscasters now address us as “guys.” It’s not just Taylor Swift. Knock it off.

Athleisure – We’re better than this, aren’t we?

Insta – If you’re too tired to say Instagram, just don’t talk.

Now, let’s do topics that need to be put to rest.

Why Trump won– If I hear “The people wanted change” or “You don’t understand” or “She ran a bad campaign” ONE MORE TIME, someone’s going to die.

Misogyny – I know, it’s bad, and so’s the patriarchy. Next subject!

Ridiculing college kids – what babies, safe spaces, microaggressions, stop coddling them bla bla bla. Shut up with that superiority already, we get it.

Anal sex – no longer shocking, just annoying. Happy now, Lena Dunham? Now move on.

Netflix binging – I don’t care what you loved watching if it includes anything with zombies or cyborgs. It’s safer to keep your awful taste to yourself.

The gig economy – Nope. Shut it.

Millennials –  Same as above.

For clothes, in 2017, here’s my tip: Find out what’s “hot” (bare shoulders, bedroom slippers) and staunchly reject it. If everyone’s wearing it, don’t.

For music in 2017, try listening to 70’s soul or old gospel or garage bands. Make up an obscure rapper and go around praising his influence as the real OG. I thought Lil Yachty was made up but sadly he is real.

Now it’s up to you. What are your suggestions for easing the horror of 2017?

I was just recoiling from the word “lady”when used in neologisms like ladyboss or lady-parts, when I came across this horrifying tidbit about the Vagina Monologues:

Eve Ensler’s Vagina Monologue “Reclaiming Cunt” spells out every letter and encourages the audience to see the word as beautiful, powerful and sexy rather than disgusting, degrading and ugly. In one of the most powerful pieces of theatre I’ve seen, the audience is invited to chant the word “cunt” back at the person delivering the monologue.

God. I had no idea.

That’s theater, yelling ‘cunt?’

Not a day goes by that I don’t yell Cunt, several times in fact, either at the TV or my computer. I can’t believe that cunt is still such a big deal. But it is, according to the Guardian:

“Cunt” is still regarded as the most shocking word in the English language. Its consonants are acerbically hard, its meaning unequivocal.

Its meaning is unequivocal?? Not at all. Often, it just means “dude” as in “some cunt took my parking space.” Other times, it might mean bitch, like “Look at what that cunt Hillary just said about Bernie.”

If the Guardian thinks it means “vagina,” that’s just stupid. No one uses ‘cunt’ that way. And if they did, so what?

Why is ‘cunt’ worse than”pussy?” I guess I’ll never understand the negative power of a word I find so useful and even fun!

Getting back to “lady” though, ugh, horrible. Remember ladyboner? Horrible. Ladyboy is kind of cute, though, because it’s confusing or because Amy Winehouse used it, but otherwise lady-anything is just grating to my ear and somehow repulsive.

Here are the other words that have bothered me this week:

jettisoned (used by a blogger who meant ‘threw away’)
China (as enunciated by Donal Trump)
crossbody (a type of handbag)
sneaks (for sneakers, ew!)
substantive (quick. try saying it 3 times)
intersectional ( pc gibberish)

Your turn, if you’ve got anything.

It just occurred to me that too many people online are mentioning Back To The Future. Maybe they’re making a sequel or prequel.

I actually love the term origin story, which I just learned this week. I love it because it’s stupid and pretentious and somehow millennial.  It’s the new way to say prequel as if that term wasn’t hard enough to get used to.

Anyway, Back To The Future was a great film at the time and my kid adored it. We saw it several times.

Now it is 2015 and I could not give a shit about Back To The Future on any level. I don’t care what the original cast is doing or what the remake or prequel or origin story is about. I’ve been done with it for years and years.

Likewise Star Wars. Could not care less. Literally. But too bad for me, because I am doomed to hear about it forever and ever. If I could not have to see the words Carrie Fisher even, I would consider it a small gift from the universe.

I’m through hearing about rape culture or anything remotely related to it. I get it, but I still don’t care. I’m through hearing about how Jennifer Lawrence didn’t get enough money. “Women in Hollywood,” I’m through hearing about your problems. I just don’t care.

Are you finding that your culture is obsessed with stuff you could not care less about? Even if it has gone viral (or especially if it has gone viral?)

Let me know what it is. Please share!

But just one more thing before I forget: How much do you not care about what happened on the Jimmy Fallon show last night? Why do we have to hear about it? Wouldn’t we have watched it when it was on, if we gave a shit about it? I don’t watch it expressly for the purpose of not knowing what was on it!

Christ!

Okay, now you.

It might be a little early but let’s make our list of words we don’t want to hear in 2014.

Time online is asking readers to vote on a list of 15 annoying words or terms. “Selfie” is a must for any list of awful words, but what the hell is “FOMO?”  I only just learned YOLO!

I may be too old and out-of-it to know all the linguistic outrages of 2013 (‘At the end of the day’ and ‘Reach out’ are perennials) but so far I’m on board with these:

Selfie
Hashtag
Because + noun
Kimye
Farm-to-table
Lean in
Millenials
Optics
Game-changer
Cultural Appropriation
Celeb
Instagram

Okay, you can see I need help.  Suggestions?