As passengers on the Titanic, we should brace ourselves for the iceberg, but there is still stuff we can do to take the edge off.
Let’s think of the small ways we can make our doomed existence more tolerable in the coming year.
I’ll start with words, because they matter.
In 2017, the following words and expressions are hereby banned. If I catch you in the act of using one, I will kill you.
Yassss – No excuse, even ironically. I WILL KILL YOU.
“Dem/Dat ____, though.” – Stop it. You aren’t in Compton. Enough with dis shit.
Push back – Just say disagree or contradict.
Cross-body – I just hate it and that’s that.
Crop jeans/pants – CROPPED, motherfuckers!
Guys – Even newscasters now address us as “guys.” It’s not just Taylor Swift. Knock it off.
Athleisure – We’re better than this, aren’t we?
Insta – If you’re too tired to say Instagram, just don’t talk.
Now, let’s do topics that need to be put to rest.
Why Trump won– If I hear “The people wanted change” or “You don’t understand” or “She ran a bad campaign” ONE MORE TIME, someone’s going to die.
Misogyny – I know, it’s bad, and so’s the patriarchy. Next subject!
Ridiculing college kids – what babies, safe spaces, microaggressions, stop coddling them bla bla bla. Shut up with that superiority already, we get it.
Anal sex – no longer shocking, just annoying. Happy now, Lena Dunham? Now move on.
Netflix binging – I don’t care what you loved watching if it includes anything with zombies or cyborgs. It’s safer to keep your awful taste to yourself.
The gig economy – Nope. Shut it.
Millennials – Same as above.
For clothes, in 2017, here’s my tip: Find out what’s “hot” (bare shoulders, bedroom slippers) and staunchly reject it. If everyone’s wearing it, don’t.
For music in 2017, try listening to 70’s soul or old gospel or garage bands. Make up an obscure rapper and go around praising his influence as the real OG. I thought Lil Yachty was made up but sadly he is real.
Now it’s up to you. What are your suggestions for easing the horror of 2017?
Another word to retire, permanently: “Iconic.” It’s a word for people who are too lazy to type all the letters in “legendary” (another word that needs to go).
Thanks for this ray of light. “Netflix binging,” ha ha. I call that a Friday night;)
I liked seeing “yasss” for a couple of moments. Reminded me of those “wassup” Bud commercials I always found cathartic.
I’ll go with these words and expressions:
libtard
“inside and out,” generally preceded with the word “pretty.”
blessed – this word simply won’t go away
bae
((hugs))
*tears*
whatevs…
What has made me happiest this year is that the “admins” of our neighborhood Fb page (another gripe – these sites are always named”Hip” plus the name of the area of town – and our area is anything but hip, which is fine by me) have started deleting not only truly offensive comments, but any comments with a tinge of profanity or a counter viewpoint. Around 350 like-minded people gravitated to a newly created neighborhood page that encourages bitching. Now, folks not already blocked from the original page (over 5,000 followers) are delighting in creating “go out with a bang” posts to get themselves blocked. Here’s my favorite so far:
Hey guys, anyone have recommendations on the best place to get a vasectomy? I would prefer somewhere inexpensive, but will still treat my berries with the respect they deserve. Also, what is everyone’s favorite frozen treat to sit on afterwards?? Annnnnddddd go……
Oddly, he was not blocked but given plenty of suggestions. Guess ball-talk is ok with the “hip” prudes.
Love his use of another hated phrase of mine: “Annnnddd go…”
Oddly, I’m embracing “lol,” “omg,” and using emoticons to answer texts. Can’t decide if I’m just lazy, now, or if those expressions are so overused that they seem ok, now. Maybe a combination. Whatevs…
Thank you, Sister.
5.Brown’s latest is about to drop! He was the OG before there was an OG. Also the rumor about him and Michael Kors is totally false, like Ivanka’s teeth false!
Muscato – Iconic used to have a meaning but nowit is useless. Legendary, I don’t know, it might still have some value. You know what’s been bothering me? People saying “proverbial.” It’s just embarrassing.
Suzanne Meyers – Oh god, libtard. I block every single twitter user who called be a libtard. “Blessed” needs to stop. Let’s respond to “I feel blessed” with “I feel cursed.” I LOVE the idea of getting kicked out of groups!!! Must start doing this. I haven’t heard Annnnd go, it sounds like a sports term, but I’m ready to kill just thinking about it.
marky – “Drop” is another one!!!!! Also, should I start publishing Ivanka’s Diary? Let me know.
hi from Switzerland.. I can sign everything you typed above… my no go from people this year will be…. Yes, but… I can’t hear that anymore… either its yes or no… for me a bit more no this year it will give me much more time…
yodeljuhuu and all the rest, Christa
Dem banned words though. How about rood, because rude is apparently not longer effective?
After reading this, Sister, I’m so glad I’ve had my head up my ass the past 2 months…in there, it’s all shit, all the time. No choices, no conflict. I could never deal with yasssss and dem/dat or any of that stuff right now – I’m too dazed and weak.
I will say, regarding the 2017 music idea, you might actually want to give old gospel a try. It’ll clear your head. You could try this,
https://youtu.be/CyyLxvmVN3Y
or this,
https://youtu.be/ygbwxruzklY
or this:
https://youtu.be/YOxVExh1ULI
Christa – Than I guess you don’t like when people say, “Well, yes and no.” It drives me crazy, kind of like “It is what it is.”
Emily – Rood sounds stoopid.
Bevitron – I wasn’t being facetious about old gospel music! I truly love it and recommend it! Thank you for the links. xoxo
Not using the “a”. Such as “it’s (a) beautiful day”
Yes “guys” to mean any group of men…juvenile
Hate blessed…ridiculous sounding
Cool when used as a response.
Awesome
Again white “folks”calling black people “folks”
White people using ghetto and hip hop slang…too ridiculous
Bra as in friend
Ironic
Christian…as in “this is a Christian nation”
Off the table for 2017 or should I say since this is the 21st century…the debate and ringing of hands on these topics should be over with …move on
Homophobia, who gives a rats ass
Abortion if you need one
Civil rights, enough already
Health care for everyone
I’m still waiting on ‘Edit’ to leave these shores. I thought we were good until I just received an email entitles “Sale Edit.” I’m angry now.
…waiting on ‘curate’ to fuck off too. Please!
Dab – and its associated dance.
Literally – still no sign of this one abating.
Irregardless – seems to be making a comeback. Just can’t take it. My computer doesn’t even underline this word in red anymore???
Babe – it’s not cute to address people like they’re a 12″ piglet.
Sorry, not sorry – This should be an instant ticket to the electric chair.
…there are others but my blood pressure can only do this in short spurts.
Dj – Yes, Christian should be saved for discussions of theology. And “folks”, so grating from politicians. Next thing you know they’ll be saying”critters.”
Suspended – Oh christ, “edit”! I’ve even seen “cool-girl edit”!!!! Literally will never die now. We need a new word to mean what literally used to mean. How about FIGURATIVELY, eh?
Sorry not sorry, what about “all the feels?” Millennials can converse in gibberish once we’re gone but I wish they would wait until then.
“Millennials can converse in gibberish once we’re gone but I wish they would wait until then.”
I fucking love this! We should make it law!!
I’ve not made the acquaintance of “all the feels” yet. I’m already thankful but have looming dread..