Ricki Hall is a Douche Icon whose only true rival is Francois Verkerk.

How could you choose one over the other? Does Francois win because of his awful moustache? Or does Ricki’s full beard and grumpy scowl put him over the top?

Compared with the two champs, the pair of douches above are neither here nor there. The huge ear hole wins points but otherwise, nothing.

This one could have reached Ricki/Francois status if he didn’t look so circusy.

The world of douches is a wonderful distraction that I urge everyone to explore and embrace. I wonder if they like each other or if they are arch enemies? When this douche thing is over, there will be thousands of dejected clowns roaming the earth, saving pennies for laser treatments.

Meanwhile, let’s rate them.

Click on this guy above ( (c) Jonathan Daniel Price) and add up your points.

Hairdo
Facial hair
Earplugs
Septum ring
Chest tattoo
Backpack
Tearful expression

I’m willing to bet that he isn’t wearing socks, which brings his total to 8 out of 10.

Uh-oh.

When I go to Nordstrom, it’s always an adventure. The charging and taking back alone is more gratifying that I can tell you. This time, I was dazzled by a Nordstrom employee with a fantastic hairstyle. Her name is Faith and she is a design school graduate. I love her hair and she turned out to be a really great girl.

Faith has just started a blog, so we talked about blogging. She told me that she likes Sea of Shoes and that furthermore, Sea of Shoes and Mom of Shoes had come into the store recently. I shrieked and jumped up and down like an excited 5 year old, alerting Faith that she was dealing with a psychopath. She divulged that Sea was kind of shy, and was wearing Margiela.

Is it a Small World After All, or are we all connected by shoes?

Since it was the day after my birthday and I was still feeling entitled, I bought a pair of “cropped jeans” because they were on sale AND chartreuse. Look:

The tag says “citron” but I’m sticking with chartreuse. If you think they’re unflattering on the model, you should see them on me. Terrible! And yet.

I have a vague irrational idea that these pants could somehow look good. What could I rock with them to be seriously killing it? Besides the fierce heels. How about black boots and black jacket? Or, a red cashmere sweater? Red + chartreuse is one of my favorite combinations! It’s aggressive, it’s jarring, it says “Too bad for you!”

Ideas? Or should I just take them back and look for Faith?

Somehow perfect
Valley Girl diction, monotone
inappropriate laughter

Almost Asian
but not enough
Big mistake
rocking that teased hair.

~

dedicated to alittlelux, who sent me here.

We’re not allowed to criticize The Church Lady because that would be sexist. We can’t mention the tight black skirt that was meant to reduce grown men to horny teenagers dreaming about Milf’s.

So let’s just think of her as a man with a bouffant hairdo.   Oh no, I can’t mention the hairdo, shit. Sorry!

Let us forget about gender and focus instead on religious practices.   Is it okay if our next Vice-President attends a church where people speak in tongues and await the Rapture? Is it okay if he-or-she gives a speech to the Wasilla Assembly of God, using the speech patterns of a giddy babysitter with learning disabilities?

Please see this video clip of his-or-her speech, given just a few short months ago, and then start planning for the Apocalypse.