Douche Fest!




Ricki Hall is a Douche Icon whose only true rival is Francois Verkerk.

francois verkerk perfect


How could you choose one over the other? Does Francois win because of his awful moustache? Or does Ricki’s full beard and grumpy scowl put him over the top?

douche tasticpierced douche 1


Compared with the two champs, the pair of douches above are neither here nor there. The huge ear hole wins points but otherwise, nothing.



This one could have reached Ricki/Francois status if he didn’t look so circusy.

The world of douches is a wonderful distraction that I urge everyone to explore and embrace. I wonder if they like each other or if they are arch enemies? When this douche thing is over, there will be thousands of dejected clowns roaming the earth, saving pennies for laser treatments.

Meanwhile, let’s rate them.

(c) Jonathan Daniel Price

Click on this guy above ( (c) Jonathan Daniel Price) and add up your points.

Facial hair
Septum ring
Chest tattoo
Tearful expression

I’m willing to bet that he isn’t wearing socks, which brings his total to 8 out of 10.

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20 Responses to Douche Fest!

  1. Andrea says:

    You made my morning ride to work hilarious! Thank you!

  2. Marky says:

    Yesterday, I saw a douche without the plugs in his stretched-out lobes. His lobes were swinging as he walked.

  3. Patni says:

    They look a lot like the customers where I work. Or at least the guys that fix my bike and give me side eye for being old and having a shitty bike.
    In my book though, any one with shave sides and a blob of head on top wins all douche contests.

  4. David Duff says:

    The tattoos alone make them defilers of the human body, a sin for which you, too, stand accused, Sis! Consider your bottom well and truly smacked, er, in the nicest possible way, of course!

  5. Suspended says:

    That oversized pencil brooch has me too depressed to take part. I find just looking at these people drains my life energy.

  6. They look like young men, or should I say young ‘men’, who clearly spend a lot of time and money on themselves. What an admirable quality.

  7. Bessie the Cow says:

    I don’t care about them one way or another, other than they are the dominant culture and not part of a counter culture movement in any way, form, or shape. That makes me sad on an existential level. They’re just peddlers of borgie-borgie fads. Now having said that, I want the “They Live” t-shirt that douche no. 1 is wearing. (I did some extra casting for that flick a million years ago.)

  8. Lucy says:

    Oh no! You’ve never heard of Bradley Soileau.

  9. Sister Wolf says:

    Andrea – Yay!

    Marky – Eeoooow. Disgusting.

    Patni – I agree. And yet mohawks looked threatening, rather than douchey.

    David – How nice, I mean, HOW DARE YOU.

    Suspended – Oh I’m sorry. I owe you a mood elevator of some kind. The brooch is an act of aggression.

    Madam Restora – But what are they good for??

    Bessie – That douche would never even discuss his t-shirt with you.

    Lucy – !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Jesus.

  10. Sister, I was being facetious. I think they need to adopt another hobby ….other than themselves.

  11. Suspended says:

    “The brooch is an act of aggression.”

    Thank you, that was quite elevating šŸ™‚ The brooch would make a poignant weapon should I ever wish to take the path of a douche murderer; Bloodstained Harris tweed everywhere.

    Those ears…aaaargh. The holes in your ears should only be big enough for earrings, not cock-rings. I know that sounds very dictatorial but FFS!! That ginger kid is like the bastard child of Teddy Ruxspin and Tilda Swinton (That would be the funniest porno ever!)

  12. Braindance says:

    Douche Cannons, all of them

    I never trust a man with a beard and no moustache or a man with a moustache and no beard

  13. ali says:

    Where is the mustard/maroon cardigan wearer? He deserves representation! I think the haircut – party on top, edgy buddy holly, faux-pompadour is the key to discovering an equation.

  14. Kellie says:

    Isnt it hilarious that their attempt to not care, has made them an entire genre of idiots that we can identify at quite a distance as total douchebags?

    At least their uniform identifies them. So we don’t have to waste any time wondering if they are fools.

  15. annemarie says:

    haha! you included “backpack” in his list of offenses!

  16. Cricket9 says:

    They could hang scarves or ties through the earholes. Very practical.

  17. Dj says:


  18. eek says:

    That his stupid chest tattoo is legible must be worth several points.

  19. Dj says:

    Grown men…

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