First of all, there were too many beards.

Jon Hamm, Jake Gillenhall, Ryan Reynolds, Ben Affleck, Dev Patel, go and shave already.

Donald Glover of Atlanta has a beard, but he gets a pass for being so cute and serious and funny and soft-spoken. And for wearing a brown velvet suit. Clearly, he’s an original. He can get away with a lot.

Casey Affleck upped the ante with a low man-bun, but he radiates an intensity that makes you want to forgive him. Almost. He also looks a little nuts, but in a good way. Not like his brother.

Timothy Olyphant was clean shaven but should go back to facial hair. If you didn’t watch Deadwood, you have no idea how attractive he used to be. He walks into a widow’s bedroom and quietly confesses, staring into her eyes,”I stand before you, a married man.” I still nearly pass out when I remember it.

Hugh Laurie won an award for some of the worst acting of all time. His over-the-top villain in The Night Manager was excruciating.

Tom Hiddelston (who had a sparse beard) won for the same series, with acting that was likewise an endurance test. Tom had the incredible bad manners to insist on telling a story about his trip to  South Sudan for the United Nations Children’s Fund. He boasted that the members of Doctors Without Borders had binge-watched The Night Manager, and then praised himself for providing relief and entertainment in “places where the world is broken.”

Are you kidding, you idiot?!? No wonder this douche dated Taylor Swift. I hope this is the last we hear of him.

Leo DiCaprio (bearded) is on the cusp of being too old and portly to play Leo DiCaprio. He didn’t add or detract anything with his appearance. It’s time for him to find the right model girl and settle down.

Then there is Ryan Gosling. Did he have a beard? I think so. I’m pretty sure. Who cares? He is the most charming man on earth. Let’s just thank him for existing.  He is so delectable that I’m going to excuse him for thanking his “lady.” Maybe he thinks “wife” isn’t romantic enough. No one else may say “lady” though, ever.

In general, there were too few men of color. Mahershala Ali, I saw you and I approve, but we need some more brothers up on the stage.

Finally, can I say that Jimmy Fallon ruins everything? May he spend eternity stuck in a room with Tom Hiddleston.

*Let me know if I forgot anything important.

I’m making it official. After twenty years of devotion to Johnny Depp as my go-to romantic fantasy, I’m breaking up with him.

The silly hats and the hobo outfits have been trying. The prayer-hands in response to applause have been embarrassing. The unceasing bromances with every male cultural icon from Hunter Thompson to Marlon Brando, ick.

Through it all, I excused his pretentious bullshit because he was Johnny Depp. He was just quirky.

But according to a new interview in Rolling Stone, Johnny Depp “always carries around a copy of Finnegan’s Wake, which he’s been puzzling through for years.”

Jesus, no.

There are limits to what is forgivable, and this is mine. Just last week, I defended Johnny Depp when my friend denounced him for dating a 27 year old model. I told her that he deserved a 27 year old model. His taste in women has always run to perfect doll-like beauties. Who could blame him, I lectured, he’s Johnny Depp.

But now I’m sorry I took his side. ‘Finnegan’s Wake?? ‘Ulysses‘ wouldn’t be poseur enough for him? Nobody can understand Finnegan’s Wake except my brother-in-law, and the rest of us know to stop trying after two pages. Johnny Depp is like a college girl carrying around Anais Nin. People who try to seem intellectual are just sad.  I’ll always remember a pop singer who said in an interview that her idols were Madame Bovary and Anna Karenina. Every time I hear her voice, I feel sad for her. That’s how nice I am.

Goodbye, Johnny. You were so cute, so sexy, so fucking adorable in ‘What’s Eating Gilbert Grape.’ But it’s over.

Look at this nice person I met at the mall today! I asked him about his sit-ups and whether he did a lot of crunches. But he was too nice to talk about his work-out regime.

All he wanted to do was to pull me close and put his  chiseled  arm around me.

I was going to take my shirt off too, but it all happened so fast.

Later I bought a Chanel nail polish and a red chiffon prom dress. but who cares, you know? It’s really all about connecting with nice male models people.

If you haven’t seen The Big C, it’s a Showtime series about a spunky woman who has cancer.   A subplot features Gabourey Sidibe as a teenager whose boyfriend is a Russian immigrant, played by Boyd Holbrook, a popular male model and houseboy-quality hottie.

Every single time this couple appears in a scene, I can’t help but mutter, “As if” or “Oh please.” I don’t know how my husband can stand it.

I feel like if you’re not blind, you can see that Miss Sibide is too fat. She’s too fat to be healthy and too fat to be attractive. Maybe she’s a wonderful human being but she’s too damn fat.

Does the show want to make a statement about tolerance? Do we have to pretend that we don’t find the relationship absurd? Is it meant to challenge our “comfort zone?” For me, it only challenges my suspension of disbelief.

While it’s not fair that women are pressured to be thin, does that mean no one is too fat?

It doesn’t help that Miss Sibide’s acting is so awful in this role.   I’m sure she was phenomenal in Precious, but when she drones “You just want to get into my pants!” like she’s reading the phone book, I can’t help feeling she was cast primarily to irritate or disturb us. And it worked!

Thoughts or recriminations?

Here it is, unedited.

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I work hard during the week in London, i enjoy visiting bars and clubs likemahiki, nobo, pigall, jazz clubs, salsa bars, fantastic restaurants,cocktailbars. I go to the gym two to three times a week. Love the beach,bit of a sun bum.

Flewn around the Statue of Liberty and over New York in a helicopter – MetAnt & Dec and various pop stars like Ashanti at the CD UK studios – Sat next to Jools Holland as he played at a concert – Met Frank Lampard and John Terry at the Chelsea training ground – Worked for ond of the British Touring Car teams -Had my own business at 21 – sailed in wild seas on a catameran of the coast of Cuba – parascended off the coast of Tunisia – Flewn in the****pit of a big passenger plane when it came into land at Gran Canaria –

Watched Spain versus England with Howard from Take That in a bar in Spain -Eaten sugar straight from a sugar beat plantation – driven one of the fastest passenger power boats – as i was goind along on my jet ski off the coast of Florida dolphins strted to spring out the wter nd followed me – put on concerts.

favourite book – alchamist. favourite film – jerry mcquire “show me the money”

I like to make the most of life and quite like the finer things in life but i also like stuff like sitting in a field, having a picnic and picking out shapes in the clouds – i love the beach – really like trying different restaurants – enjoy curling up on the sofa and watching a good film – i love cuddles – im an affectionate guy- kind hearted – love a bit of romance.