Goodbye to Johnny Depp

silly depp


I’m making it official. After twenty years of devotion to Johnny Depp as my go-to romantic fantasy, I’m breaking up with him.

The silly hats and the hobo outfits have been trying. The prayer-hands in response to applause have been embarrassing. The unceasing bromances with every male cultural icon from Hunter Thompson to Marlon Brando, ick.

Through it all, I excused his pretentious bullshit because he was Johnny Depp. He was just quirky.

But according to a new interview in Rolling Stone, Johnny Depp “always carries around a copy of Finnegan’s Wake, which he’s been puzzling through for years.”

Jesus, no.

There are limits to what is forgivable, and this is mine. Just last week, I defended Johnny Depp when my friend denounced him for dating a 27 year old model. I told her that he deserved a 27 year old model. His taste in women has always run to perfect doll-like beauties. Who could blame him, I lectured, he’s Johnny Depp.

But now I’m sorry I took his side. ‘Finnegan’s Wake?? ‘Ulysses‘ wouldn’t be poseur enough for him? Nobody can understand Finnegan’s Wake except my brother-in-law, and the rest of us know to stop trying after two pages. Johnny Depp is like a college girl carrying around Anais Nin. People who try to seem intellectual are just sad.  I’ll always remember a pop singer who said in an interview that her idols were Madame Bovary and Anna Karenina. Every time I hear her voice, I feel sad for her. That’s how nice I am.

Goodbye, Johnny. You were so cute, so sexy, so fucking adorable in ‘What’s Eating Gilbert Grape.’ But it’s over.



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30 Responses to Goodbye to Johnny Depp

  1. Sam says:


  2. Erin says:

    I enjoy your humor. Very much.

  3. Winter Bird says:

    I remember reading where James Joyce said to his wife, “someday I think I shall write something that people can understand.” Enough said…ugh.

  4. Cricket9 says:

    I STILL have some hope that the “Finnegan Wake” crap is just crap and not true…overall, it looks like he’s undergoing a severe middle-age crisis.

  5. Bessie the Cow says:

    Tis heartbreaking, but tis time to break the love affair.
    1) Men who date women young enough to be their daughters ain’t cool. And women who date men the age of their fathers is even less cool. (btw, you never see a beautiful 27 year old dating a man on SS . . . it’s all about money and power. So, it’s like a commodity, youth and beauty for sale, and that makes me sad, and gives me gas.)
    2) WTF is going with costumes off set? The handkerchief hanging out of the pocket, the bangles, the hats?
    3) Lately, is it me, or are all his roles some version of Captain Sparrow?
    I’m so sad because I thought he was beyond the Hollywood bullshit, into his family, and living a simple live in France. No, can he be having a mid life crisis?
    4) He’s become a vegan because of his current girlfriend. Yuck, coming from a vegan, you don’t make life style changes to be cool but to keep the planet and its people/animals cool.
    I feel like a betrayed lover. Heartbroken and vengeful.
    Johnny, all I have to say to you is Blaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!
    Goodbye. And I isn’t gonna pays to watch you as Tonto!

  6. mr. boggs says:

    i agree, after dark shadows those two can just go away!

  7. Suspended says:

    I read yesterday that he’s been blind in one eye for years and the other eye is extremely near sighted…would this explain the outfit choices?

  8. Kelly says:

    Maybe the model is explaining Finnegan’s Wake to him.

    Bye, Johnny. You’ve allowed yourself to be made over in an image beholden to your industry. We expected more.

  9. ali says:

    I just started reading it because my grandfather gave me his old copy for my birthday! oh man. But I don’t think you need to UNDERSTAND Finnegans Wake! The puns and the potty humor and the words are enough to make it an enjoyable reading experience! I think?

    Granted, I am only 40 pages into it…

    Do college girls carry around Anais Nin?? I don’t remember encountering any that did. She is not in vogue among those circles at the moment.

    Disciples of Hunter S Thompson are as tedious as they are terrifying. Any time somebody mentions Johnny Depp and Hunter S Thompson in the same sentence the Johnny Depp fantasy dies a little bit for me.

    Young Johnny Forever! Let’s forget about the hats and pretend his last role was the gypsy from chocolat ???

  10. alittlelux says:

    we’ll always have crybaby.

  11. Johnny Depp has never been my cup of tea, I know virtually nothing about him. Can I ask, what kind of man calls himself ‘Johnny’ though? Hey?

    Now you’ve exposed his intelluctual pretension, the very worst of the ‘pretensions’, I’m so glad I’ve been able to avoid him.

    In your photo above he strikes me as an absolute tosser, making a desperate attempt to maintain his share of the spotlight, playing the eccentric thespian type. He probably even describes himself as ‘eccentric’, which is the pits. Typical behaviour of the ageing movie star. Tres tragic.

  12. Suspended says:

    I find James Franco far more intellectually pretentious. If I had to choose one to shoot into outer-space, he’d win hands down!

  13. Cricket9 says:

    @alittlelux – yes, absolutely! And “What’s eating Gilbert Grapes”, and many others. I can’t agree with Madam Restora who’s “glad to be able to avoid him”. The man wasn’t always a tosser. I hope he’ll pull himself together…

  14. Cricket9 says:

    @ Bessie the Cow: how about women who date younger men? Cool, or not cool? I lived for 10 years with a guy 18 years younger; certainly there was no money to speak of, nor outstanding cooking/housekeeping/mothering skills…I’m not being snarky, just curious.

  15. annemarie says:

    YES. Welcome to the dark side. For years I have been baffled as to why people love Johnny Depp.

    When are you going to tell us why you hate Alec Baldwin? See, I find him totally charming. Human, all too human.

  16. Beannie71 says:

    I would put up with the costumes, apparent lack of personal hygeine and wanker author idolatory if he was still pretty. Shallow I know. I know.

  17. Simone says:

    @Bessie: I know a woman who was 25 & with a man twice her age on SSI. Just sayin!

  18. ali says:


    James Franco makes me want to eat my hair!!!!!!!!!!!!! As far as I am concerned, “James Franco” no longer refers to a human… It is a newly adopted slang term for plucking ingrown pubic hair.

    EX: “Last Saturday, I barely left my bed! I just ate carbs and re-watched Cry Baby and What’s Eating Gilbert Grape while I James Franco’d for the entire day!!”

  19. Sister Wolf says:

    Suspended – James Franco is in a category by himself. He has surpassed mere pretentiousness…I would call him insufferable, because I can’t think of a better term for him.

    ali – and yet James Franco is in a new movie where he’s supposed to be making fun of himself, his James Franco-ness, which implies that he has self-awareness. But I don’t believe it.

  20. Sister Wolf says:

    annemarie – I know, I still owe you an Alex Baldwin exegesis. I’m going to try to do it. I still hate him.

  21. ali says:

    My sister told me to watch that movie. She said I would love it.

    How can I watch a movie that doesn’t exist featuring an non-existent actor playing (with) himself ?

  22. D.R. says:

    Baldwin is an ass. Depp is an ass. Life is too short to give either one of them a moment of thought.

  23. Karin burger says:

    He’s always been too cute to be smart. Nice to look at as long as he’s not talking.

  24. Jean Paul says:

    I just spent a delicious time in bed catching up on everything. I laughed so hard to see the neon “goodbye” sign.
    Depp has no depth:( Gilbert Grape remains one of my favorites but its
    Partially because of the freakish fatness of the mom.

  25. Kathleen says:

    I don’t know. I just can’t stop admiring him, even when he does something annoying. I’ve been watching him ever since 21 Jump Street.

  26. drollgirl says:

    well this made me laugh. i don’t have the energy for a witty comment. but i am catching up on your posts and loving them. hope you are doing well. hugs (even if that sounds trite, i mean it in the best possible way)

    p.s. my sister has yet to break up with tom cruise. she still insists he is hot physical specimen. she doesn’t want to talk about his kooky religion, his fake laugh, his unnerving teeth/smile, his alien daughter, and his relationship troubles.

  27. I decided this about 3-4to years ago after he just kept doing those stupid pirate movies one after another and it seemed he just couldnt shake the character … I loved him since the tom petty video, more and more every year. But now… just a total Douche and it pains me just to think of him. I just wanna yell, “SHUT UP AND TAKE A SHOWER!!!”

  28. Also!!! Are we really supposed to believe he’s never watched ANY of his own movies??? I mean come on!!!

  29. TheOPandothersstinkhere says:

    You and the other losers on the site know NOTHING about him, so what he’s not the same person you claimed to know and love for a far few years ago or that he’s dating a younger woman, just typical of most internet users, “ohh he’s to this/that now I can’t like him now wahhh” pitiful… the whole lot of you. Sounds like you weren’t fans of his to begin with

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