Amid all the rage and dread, my friend Dr. LaRue relayed the news that Pantone has come out with a new color called Period! Not as in punctuation but as in menstrual period…”an original shade of red that represents a steady flow during menstruation.”

How empowering, right ladies?

I’m going to say that this red, described by Pantone as “an active and adventurous red hue,” is not the color I associate with menstruation. Maybe the first day? You tell me.

Pantone goes on to say that

‘period’ emboldens people who menstruate* to feel proud of who they are. To own their period with self-assurance; to stand up and passionately celebrate the exciting and powerful life force they are born with; to urge everyone regardless of gender to feel comfortable to talk spontaneously and openly about this pure and natural bodily function.”

Well, good! I know that I personally was proud to menstruate, and enjoyed clearing a room of men simply by bringing up the subject. I liked brandishing a tampon instead of hiding it discreetly. I almost threw one at a bad opening act at the Palladium or somewhere, hoping to hit the lead singer in the face, to register my displeasure. Doubting my aim, I changed my mind at the last moment.

Years ago I wrote about menstruation here, and I recall the incredible sense of female community that arose from the discussion! It was really wonderful. (Go read the comments if you’re a *Person Who Menstruates, or was one formerly.)

As an old bag, I miss my periods. I loved everything about them. Now, it seems crazy that in 2020, women and girls sill need prodding to feel okay with menstruation. If men had periods…well, you know what Gloria Steinem said! Periods are great but not as art, imo. I’m thinking of icky feminist “art” centered on used Tampax or whatever. They are great, but you don’t deserve a medal for having them. Let’s stop at the new Pantone color.

Will Pantone develop a color for menopause?? I want them to. What would that look like, do you think? The color of autumn leaves mixed with the steel grey of Accidental Icon’s hair? What color is estrogen, anyway?

As we ponder Period red, lets list all the reds we can think of, quick!

Scarlet, ruby, rose, brick, cardinal, blood (not menstrual), vermilion, garnet, and cherry! Somehow I doubt that Crayola will give us a period red. As we lean into our female power, I think we’ll be okay without it.

After all the fuss over Vantablack, and the artist who managed to get exclusive access to it, there’s a new blackety-black paint that is virtually the same, and this one’s available to the public.

Called Singularity, the new paint was developed for NASA, just like Vantablack, but the company that developed it (NanoLab) is making it available to all artists, starting at only $30 for a nail-polish sized bottle.

In an interview with Hyperallergic, a NanoLab scientist says:

NanoLab offers a coating service to anyone interested in sending us pieces that can withstand the processing conditions for our experienced staff to coat at our lab facility, but we are open to sharing this entire process with any artist that wants to use Singularity Black in their own studio.

I’d like to coat everything in this velvety matte super-anti-reflective black, just as I used to spray-paint everything gold. It was just a phase, but it seemed like gold made everything better, especially things that aren’t supposed to be gold. Unfortunately, Singularity is kind of hard to work with.

Artist Jason Chase is the first artist to incorporate the paint into a piece of art. Titled Black Iron Ursa, it’s a cast-iron gummy bear that Chase has painted black, atop a rainbow hued circular thing. It’s kitsch, in my opinion, but it makes the point that a really fucking black object can be uniquely compelling.

Just to be perfectly clear, Vantablack exhibits lower reflectance in the visible range — about 0.2% total hemispherical reflectance (THR) at 700 nm — and Singularity Black exhibits about 1.15% THR at 700 nm, according to Hyperallergic.

I think that’s a minute enough disparity that it’s safe to say, NAH NAH, ANISH KAPOOR!

Learn more about Singularity, and even order some here.

Black Iron Ursa (c) Jason Chase, 2017
El Niño Malo (c) Sister Wolf

I didn’t need Pantone to tell me their choice for Color of the Year. There has been nothing but orange around for months. You can call it Tangerine Tango or whatever you want, but it’s still orange and we don’t need so much of it.

Try looking for a red t-shirt, for example. A few weeks ago, I went to every store in a big mall, trying to find one. All the sales people led me to something orange, explaining that this was “the new color.”   Each time, I insisted on red, declaring in a bossy voice that “Red is a neutral.” I vowed to boycott orange,  although  I nearly caved to an overpriced t-shirt by  James  Perse that was a deep orange I will call “persimmon.”

I also looked at some jeans called “lipstick” even though they were orange.   Today, my husband took me to a huge Nordstrom which stimulates my endorphins no matter how depressed I am. We recently saw Jermaine Jackson there in the cosmetics department, clearly high on his own endorphins.

Everything was orange! It was an assault. It’s like a military take-over by orange. Even the nice sales assistant, Amanda, agreed that there was an orange “domination” underway.   I tried on some dark blue jeans but to my horror they were not skinny jeans but “skinny legging jeans.” It’s a slippery slope to “jeggings,” I believe.

Here is a dress I bought last year, thinking it was “coral” when in fact it is a salmon pink (and not this hot pink in real life.) As you can see, I am right on trend with lace. You could even say that I started the trend, all by myself. I am thankful that it isn’t actually coral, which is a shade of orange, just like mango, paprika, papaya, or god forbid, Tangerine Tango.

Is it red or sort of orange or pink? As seen on my browser, I’m not quite sure about the color of this fox fur jacket but I do know I love it. I could buy it and strenuously deny that I fell for the fur vest directive, because it’s a jacket! Yay!

While we’re thinking about hard-to-describe color, look at this beautiful coat by Nanette Lepore. I’m calling it “fuschia.”   My-wardrobe.com is calling it “pink.”

I love these items and even though I’d never wear them, I am clinging to the distraction of fashion as the Republican Convention threatens to push me to the breaking point….

Let us think about shoes instead.

These are all from my-wardrobe.com.   The lime satin ones are on sale and they have my size, but eh, I’m just learning to walk again.   What I love about all three is the color.   Each color is a neutral. That’s right, a fucking neutral.   Please don’t argue about it, I am completely drained by that stupid crazy whore.

A neutral color is whatever you say it is. I’ve always thought of red as a neutral, and most of my life I’ve had red shoes or a red bag to prove it.

Shopping at my-wardrobe.com is a lovely experience. Last year I bought a gray leather bomber jacket by Malene Birger. It is soft velvety leather with long zippers at the cuffs. I never wear it but that’s okay because the point of clothes and shoes is to stockpile them.

When the Rapture comes, I’ll have more shoes and clothes than an army of women, and I will be proclaimed the winner of all battles, including the one with you-know-who.