Last night, I was watching Billions with my husband, and was moved to exclaim, “I had no idea I was capable of so much hate!” He laughed, because he has never doubted my capacity. It’s like I’m listening to the character called “Wags” and expending all my hatred on him when suddenly there is that guy who plays whatshisname’s father, and my well of hatred instantly fills up again, ready for action.

It is easily the worst show on cable TV, and we watch it in order to squirm with perverse pleasure at the horrible pseudo-hip dialogue and rabid overacting. But Billions is not my subject right now. Instead, I’d like to address the growing problem (ie., my hatred) of Old Lady Fashion Influencers.

The most formidable of these appears to be Accidental Icon, who insists that she is “freaking cool”despite all evidence to the contrary. I’ll bet she is hopping mad about the newbie imitators wearing big black sunglasses and aggressive white bobs. A friend alerted me to Grece Ghanem, who has “worked her way up from influencer to style icon,” according to Who What Wear. She is 54 but looks ten years older. Revealing her style plan for 2019, she says this:

Goodbye to miniskirts and flat ballerinas. You will also see me sport [fewer] ruffles and all-sheer looks. I am highlighting a more modern silhouette in 2019. I am ready to hang my oversize, padded jackets with the strong shoulders and adopt a softer figure for the New Year.

Jesus Christ, I should hope it’s goodbye to miniskirts!

Checking her out on Instagram, I was rewarded by a montage of annoying fashion looks dominated by Gucci, Celine, and the usual suspects. Grece is a personal trainer so she likes to show off her arms. She also likes to wear those huge white sneakers, which makes me feel sad for her. But then, I saw her wearing a leather biker jacket and my whole world fell apart. I will never be able to feel good wearing a leather biker jacket, thanks to this old bag.

I complained about this to my sister, who said, “If you stop wearing leather jackets, you are giving her too much power. DON’T LET HER WIN!” My sister has become a wise village elder in my life, and not a moment too soon! I will wear my jackets, because I am a proud anti-terrorist, but it won’t be without a frisson of shame.

At least Grece doesn’t seem too self-important like the Accidental Icon, who complains about being marginalized as a senior blogger. Boo-hoo! That’s what you get for letting your hair go white! She is one obnoxious old lady. The last time I looked at her, she seemed obsessed with Rick Owens. But now she’s in a scary ad for Go Daddy!

Oh my god, why is this happening??

Can’t we just be old ladies for fucksake!

Do you think I should start marketing myself as Deliberate Icon? Or maybe Fuck You, I’m Almost Dead?

My style is so nothing, and yet it is so distinctively Me! Jeans and t shirts and sweaters, with enormous size 10 shoes. I ignore fashion rules, except for the ones about not looking stupid, and Mutton Dressed as Lamb. I like to feel comfortable. I like stuff to fit normally. I am not freaking cool, but I’m Hot AF. How do I capitalize on this??

Want to see more old bags? Here.

I followed Jane, from Sea of Shoes, on Twitter and Instagram until she posted the picture above and I commented, “Nothing wrong here.” Boom, she blocked me.

I understand. No one wants any comments that imply one is less than fabulous. Especially Jane. So naturally she deletes comments that express worry about her weight.

You know what, when I was 14, I used to only eat egg whites and grapefruit. Finally, circumstances forced me to eat more, and eventually I learned that it’s more fun to eat than to starve. Last night I ate a huge quantity of tortilla chips with hot avocado salsa, and I’m a better man for it, I believe.

I think Jane has mentioned “health issues” and I hope she is okay. I have health issues my self. Seventeen of them, according to a print-out from my doctor, including depression, lumbago, and marijuana use.

I hope she is okay but I don’t think she is. And of course there is nothing I can do. People online discuss her life as though she’s a character in Grey Gardens, but only Jane and her family know the real girl. I watched an old video of her with her mom, and it was disturbing. It made me regret being mean to her, that time I said she had a fat face. What an awful thing to say. I was out of my mind at the time but that’s no excuse.

I’m so sorry for that mean post. I’m not sorry for mocking her blog. It was so mockable that someone had to do it. But I wish I could take back the mean personal insult.

I hope her marriage will bring a new happy life and a chance to broaden her horizons. Here is Jane with her fiance Jeff.  You can read about their engagement over on her blog.

Vaya con Dios, Jane and Jeff!

all photos (c) Sea of Shoes

Two years ago I discovered Rumi Neely‘s blog and pronounced that I hated her. Tonight, I must heed the wisdom of Rumi the sufi poet, who said:

Quit acting like a wolf, and feel
the shepherd’s love filling you.

I am filled with love for Rumi the blogger because she’s a beautiful girl who has never been mean, pretentious, or self-aggrandizing. She likes what she likes and she shares this with her readers, who still have the option of leaving comments.

Having looked at hundreds of style blogs, I now realize that Rumi is the prototype for nearly every girl who’s slim enough to mimic her style. Every other girl is aiming for some approximation of the Rumi look. It might make us sick but it’s not Rumi’s fault that she’s seized the imagination of so many girls around the world. It’s a relatively simple look but it’s one that she developed naturally, an obvious extension of her personality and her lifestyle.

The hair, the hats, the shorts and loose sweaters, the clumpy shoes, it’s all Rumi. She carries herself so casually that it invites imitation. Not many girls try emulating Susie Bubble or Jane Aldridge, because their respective looks are too complicated or too pricey. Rumi’s style is more egalitarian.

But nobody comes close to her. Accept no substitutions! The original Rumi has an ineffable sweetness that tempers her sexiest pose. She is seductive but endearingly awkward. She doesn’t look like she’s practiced in front of a mirror all day.

I mistook her bubbly So Cal speech pattern for a lack of intelligence but in fact she has a quick wit and a great sense of the ridiculous. She would be the perfect friend for a sleepover. I like to think she’d be up for some prank calls and a midnight drive to get ice cream. She’s be fun to shop with and she wouldn’t pretend you look good in jeans that make your butt flat.

It’s Rumi’s world, at least for now. I love knowing that she’s not a bitch because god knows I’ve tested her, and all I got was openhearted kindness.

Lets congratulate Rumi for winning two Bloglovin Awards! If it weren’t for her existence, we might be inundated instead by man repellers or egomaniacal girls teaching Radical Self Love!

I think I’m seeing a trend here…..

This photo, for me, is the ultimate in street-style douche-girls. Is there a name for female douches? I’m sure she’s a very nice person in real life.   I’m just saying, the thing she projects to me is “Look! I’m a douche.”

Obviously, I’m on a really negative roll. It was nice that others were able to share my existential nausea re those two It Girls. Are you feeling me on this, too?

Looking to cause my self more pain, I kept at it and clicked on some person’s new “girl crush” and found the very special blogger pictured above.

Ombre hair, stupid hat, rosary, too many bracelets, over the knee boots…what’s not to crush on?!

Godammit, I was planning a dress-up-like-your-favorite-blogger style challenge but Bryanboy beat me to it with his Halloween Tavi. I grabbed this picture from twitter so it may not be his final choice but as you see, he has nailed it. Personally, I would have gone with the monolithic pink bow, but the icky layered scarves rule.

Isn’t it great that bloggers can swap roles this easily? I would like to see Sea of Shoes doing Halcoholic and Rumi doing Gala Darling. Karla should do Bryanboy and Tavi could do Diane Pernet. The possibilities are endless.

All you’d need to do me is a crappy black wig and red lipstick, with maybe a cane or a walker.

I have no plans for Halloween because my kid has a party to go to and I’m over it anyway. Years ago, I loved to open the door to groups of sweaty little kids dressed like gypsies and pirates and skeletons and ballerinas. All the kids on my street have grown up or moved away. Last year, I bought candy for trick-or-treaters and had to eat it all myself.

Too bad adults have taken Halloween away from children.   Adults are refusing to grow up, and kids are bound to pay a price.   I remember when Max was Darth Vader for Halloween, and when he was around 12, he was an Insurance Salesman. Charlie was once Frank Sinatra but nobody got it.

So I guess the blogger style challenge is pointless now. Unless we think we can out-Tavi* Bryanboy.

*copyright Bryanboy

“Really love the studded coat that closed the show, it just reminds me of ALL my friends growing up and their leathers. As much as it makes me laugh to see our teenage looks adopted into the fashion world everywhere, I’ll never tire of seeing it because I’ll forever think it looks hot as hell.”

Who else but Gnarlitude could have written those words? I have yet to discover a person so full of their own punk street cred. Whoever you are, she is cooler. You’re probably just copying her. She wore that shit first. She cried harder when Dash Snow died than any of you lame asses.

Normally I can find pleasure in displays of pretentiousness. Why does her persona torture me so much?! Is it the proprietary way she says she’s “so proud” of any designer, musician or artist, like she has something to do with it? Is it the non-stop mention of Ksubi and bikers?

In this fawning interview, Gnarlitude pays homage to her vintage monkey fur coat but inexplicably forgets to bring up her Old Man. The very best and most gnarly part of the interview is this closing exchange:

BN:   Describe your look in three words or less
JH: Miserable Mornings, NeverEnding Nights
~

Feel free to weigh in on this and/or complain about my surly nature. Unless you’re from Dallas.

I always forget to visit Karla’s Closet, but when I returned recently I was struck by how often Karla is enjoying a private joke with herself. She just cracks herself up!

What is the joke?!? It looks like a good one.

She’ll be posing in her outfit with a composed expression, often a pensive one actually, And then, BOOM, the joke hits her and she has to cover her mouth to keep from guffawing.

The joke usually hits her when she’s sitting down, or maybe   the intensity of the mirth forces her to sit.

I like a fun girl, don’t’ you? Why be so serious all the time! Karla seems to know that life is short, like her hair, and not to be wasted by covering her legs.   She is obviously an empowering role model and good for her. But I’m intrigued by the mystery of the joke.   Share it with the whole class, Karla!

This is the work of (IN)DECOROUS TASTE, who I just discovered thanks to my twisted sister, Mary.

Look at the spikes inside the acrylic platform!

If this shit isn’t insanely fierce and killing it, I don’t know what is.

Sea has taken a brief respite from shoe curating but the posing and self-adoration continue unabated, like the tides.

Sea acquired an ugly cockroach necklace in an effort to establish her quirkiness, and she heaped on the black eye liner for a Clueless Goth  effect. She and Mom snagged a lame python jacket after a harrowing close call with not snagging it! Whew! Thank god it all worked out.

Most noteworthy is the garbled language skills that Sea has been curating! Here is her observation about her taste in interior design:

“I guess the baroque-psychedelia of Foster’s Home has my eye trained on the more whimsical touches of the mansions from the Gilded era. I got this book at Dolly Python yesterday and   love to see l that so many of these suffocatingly extravagant rooms have touches of candy colors like mint green, bubblegum pink, and robin’s egg blue.”

Hahahaha! “Suffocatingly extravagant?!?” Suffering succotash! That sounds like a description of her own living room!

Okay, you know the drill. I’ll go first:

Dear Sea, You’ll never believe this but I have the same black sweater from Lucky Jeans so we’re almost twins! Do you ever wonder what you would think about if you weren’t wealthy? Did you know that most women have a deep-seated dread of being like their mom? I like how you defy this fear by trying to look like a thirty-something divorcee circa 1980. If you need more cockroaches, let me recommend my kitchen! Love, SW