Did you know that a Senate rule was changed JUST FOR KYRSTEN, that allowed her to show her bare arms on the senate floor? Kyrsten is a triathlete, so she needs to show them. I’m not making this up; Amy Klobuchar helped pass the new rule on this basis.

Would it be a cheap shot to denigrate those arms? Or to say that she’s no Michelle Obama, armwise? Fine. I won’t say it.

Ordinarily, it would be wrong to judge political figures based on their clothing choices, but Kyrsten is demanding that we react. With the denim vest, she is openly trolling us. She is saying, “You think I’m a piece of work? Ha, try THIS!” So if she’s failed to capture one single person’s attention, now she has it.

This bitch is a mean one. Why won’t she let us move ahead…she doesn’t live in a coal state for fucksake. The Dems are wringing their hands about her but it’s not like she was a Trojan Horse. Look at the red flags!

Here she is at her swearing in.

She is clearly a Dom. She will hurt you. She wants to hurt you.

Here she is…I don’t know, you tell me.

Below, at the impeachment hearing. Caped crusader? Flying nun? Mighty Mouse?

More recently, at a couple of infrastructure meetings, she turns to florals, as if saying, “Fuck you all, next time I’ma wear pj’s.”

In case anyone is thinking sexism, no. Jim “gymnasium” Jordan is another outfit troll and he too is either a Cunt or a Nutcase. Cunt, actually. If a man pursued attention via wacky get-ups as strenuously as Sinema does, we would ridicule him as well. In fact, I’d love to see some guy try it. (calling Lindsey!)

Once a member of the Green party, Sinema was ranked by GovTrack.us, (a nonpartisan organization that tracks government data and statistics) 47th on a conservative-to-liberal scale, which is based on lawmakers’ 2019 legislative records. Her response? Her decisions are “based on what’s right for Arizona, not on party politics.” She is to the right of Mitch McConnell! Jesus Christ with this woman! I can’t even can’t.

Okay, Cunt or Nutcase, you decide. And enjoy her hair flipping below.

A few years ago, I watched the first episode of the British TV series Black Mirror, expecting a clever Sci Fi drama, since it was being compared to the Twilight Zone.

In the episode, a member of the British royal family is kidnapped and will only be released if the British prime minister fucks a pig on live television. A wild, perverse premise with an obvious critique of contemporary culture. One of the actors described the topic as “humiliation, and the public’s appetite for humiliation”. Fair enough, in part.

I still feel shaken as I remember watching it. I think I went from amusement to disbelief to anxiety to abject horror and grief. Notice how this trajectory follows the one we’ve endured with the presidency of Donald Trump!

In the show, we see the varying reactions of TV viewers as they watch the spectacle play out. Many are crying. I cried with them, because I’m sensitive, alright?

I remember complaining for days and weeks that I was permanently traumatized, even though it was only TV.

Now, watching Trump on TV, I feel the same horror welling up, but I’m too scared to cry. Maybe later. Every utterance and gesture is revolting, shameless, viscerally repugnant, like the Prime Minister fucking a pig. When he holds forth at his rallies, his tone strikes me as a mixture of Mussolini and Rodney Dangerfield. I’m actually embarrassed for him, because I’m a human being.

How one stupid fat bully could succeed in corrupting the entire government and breaking the whole country, I will never understand. But here we are.

I keep reflecting on Black Mirror, against my will, because my brain is looking for a reference point, I guess. What I want to know is this: ARE WE THE PIG?

Or is Trump both the pig and the pig fucker?

That’s all I’ve got today, sorry. I just wanted to check in.

Now is the time to be grateful for your friends, even though they won’t come over. If you don’t have friends, now is the time to regret being such a cunt.

Now is the time to refuse to call anything “the new normal.” Nothing is normal any more. Don’t pretend it’s normal and don’t adapt to it if it isn’t.

Now is the time to stop fixating on toilet paper. Think of people in India who never had toilet paper. Think of the girls in third world countries who don’t have sanitary pads or tampons!

Now is the time to stay away from Twitter, where no one can do a single thing without incurring the wrath of a billion lunatics looking for the scapegoat du jour. That way madness lies, or you know, The New Madness.

Now is the time to avoid lists of fun things to do at home. You aren’t at summer camp. You’re under house arrest! Admit it!

Now is the time to be the person you wanted to be, instead of the person you are. Be the better person. Pretend to care about your neighbors and ask them what you can pick up for them when you go out to stand in line for water and Tylenol. Call or text everyone to ask if they need help with anything.

Now is the time to retain your sense of humor! Shit is still funny! I’m trying to prank an entity that invited me to attend a fake Women’s Summit in my city. Keep your fingers crossed that they take my bait!

Now is the time to experiment with make up. No one knows that in real life, you don’t wear blue lipstick. So now you can!

When everything is forbidden, you are free from the old rules!

That’s all I have for now, comrades. Let me know what’s on your minds.

~

*cartoon by Sam Wallman and Miroslav Sandev

Everyone’s in a tizzy about how to talk to politically partisan relatives at Thanksgiving, but not me! First, because I would never have a meal with a Trump supporter. Not even my last meal on Death Row, which, as everyone knows, will be a burger and fries.

Second, because if someone spoke favorably of Donald Trump in my earshot, I would not hesitate to shout, “Are you out of your fucking mind? What the fuck don’t you get?”

Watching him at rallies, surrounded by drooling racist dimwits, it’s a chilling picture of a species I haven’t encountered much in real life but now know to fear and dread. I can’t imagine being face to face with this level of ignorance.

But even for family members, it is just not acceptable. I have no bandwith for excuses about “the people who feel left behind” bla bla bla.” If anyone is still okay with Donald Trump walking around a free man, there is no pass and no forgiveness. Sure, they’re stupid, sure they barely made it through high school, sure they’re incapable of reasoning and adding 2 plus two. Too bad for them.

If you’re passing the cranberry sauce and someone quotes Hannity or talks about those sneaky Dems and their secret hearings, just lean toward them and scream, “Shut up, you stupid piece of shit! You don’t deserve to vote, that’s how stupid you are!”

Then, carefully smash a pie in her or her or they face. Tell them that for every immigrant and refugee in a detention facility, that’s how many centuries they will burn in hell.

If anyone still comes to Trump’s defense, you know what to do next. Upend the whole table, housewife style, and say, “I care about the fucking Constitution even if you don’t, motherfucker!” and remind them that article 2 does not mean the President can do *anything*. Just for fun, point out that fetuses aren’t people.

I mean, how hard is it to have a plan for Thanksgiving? I don’t even see the problem. Just do the right thing.

If you’re a big pussy, you can print out this handy Thanksgiving discussion placemat from Neil Katyal here.

Dude, chill the fuck out! I know you’re mad, I’m mad too. We’re all mad. You have problems but you’ve misidentified them. It isn’t black people or Jews or immigrants that caused your problems, it’s the lies you’ve been fed your whole life. It’s the old lies of the patriarchy and the new lies spread by your buddies on the internet.

You’re worried about weakness and that’s understandable. You probably had a mean daddy who ridiculed you or hit you, or maybe your daddy wasn’t around. You had trouble making friends and that made you so angry! You felt helpless and you still feel helpless. You want to be the powerful one. You want to be the mean daddy for a change! You want to show the world who’s boss! Fuck those foreigners and niggers and kikes!

You can’t get laid either. You’ve tried being nice and you’ve tried negging. Women won’t give you what you want. It’s just like Mommy. She wouldn’t either. She made you feel like a baby. A helpless baby. But now you’ll get even. You don’t need women anyway, now that you’ve found your buddies online.

You even belong to a group! When you were little, they didn’t pick you for the team or they picked you last. They wouldn’t let you into their clubhouse or tree-house or their little fort. Now you are respected, a person with ideas and guns and backpacks. You are part of a community, a brotherhood. And if you aren’t afraid to die, you can be a hero! All you need is some ammo.

But here’s the thing: You won’t really be a warrior. Shooting at unarmed civilians makes you a pussy, or a cuck, if you prefer. Real warriors run into battle, not mosques or churches or shopping malls. There have been too many of you guys for us to remember your names any more. I can’t even name the guy in Las Vegas, and you’ll probably never come close to his body count.

What you want so desperately is a purpose, a community, and an identity. Your online group may provide a sense of all three, but it’s a sham. The world you imagine will never come about, and if it did, you wouldn’t know how to survive. You spend too much time at your computer. You don’t know how to grow crops or raise cattle or drive a tractor. You can’t get a date, so you won’t be able to reproduce. You wouldn’t be happy without another group to hate, so then what?

You have not thought this through, have you?

Why don’t you join the US Military if you love your country so much? Aren’t the uniforms scary enough? Are you afraid of being in close quarters with men who are bigger and stronger than you? Are you afraid of guns when you’re not the only one who has one? Are you afraid of a meritocracy? Are you lost in situations where memes don’t bring status?

I feel for you. You thought you were entitled to the whole world, as a free white male. You didn’t know that it only works that way for the wealthy class. You didn’t prepare for a shitty job market when you were spending all that time online instead of studying. You nursed your resentment when you should have been learning how to socialize, how to dance, how to make eye contact, and how to laugh at yourself once in a while.

You could still have a real life if you gather your courage enough to move away from your computer. Your buddies will denounce you but they’ll get over it. Later, much later, you’ll see how pathetic they are. And when you see one on TV, in handcuffs, or in a scowling mugshot, you’ll think, Dude, YOU are the problem, not those Mexicans buying school supplies.

At least, that’s my dream for you, b’ezrat hashem, inshallah.

Jared Kushner has been, until now,  a specter of robotic evil in our midst. We know his vacant, girlish face and stiff walk. We know he was born “Jerilyn” somewhere in a New Jersey laboratory. But now we can see him in action, thanks to Axios.

Watching him closely, you can see that he is able to raise one eyebrow! Added to his grimace, that’s two facial movements. More than a Ken doll but less than, say, Ivanka, who can smile, look smug, and laugh with all her teeth showing.

Have you noticed how smooth and glowing his skin in ? It’s almost shiny. Now we can see that it’s a thin coating of sperm, acquired from his father-in-law. I don’t know who applies it, but they do a great job. It probably has a high SPF factor to maintain the lily whiteness.

Is Jared really a “Jew”? I can’t believe that he shares my esteemed, ahem, lineage. Just like when the Son of Sam killer turned out to be Jewish, the tribe was relieved to discover he was adopted. Jared is no Jew, or if he is, he is traif.

Why is Jared in charge of so many critical missions as senior advisor to the President? Would you put him in charge of watering your lawn? Would you trust him near young children? Or puppies?

Asked if the Birther shit was racist, Jared insists that he wasn’t part of it.

Was the Holocaust racist? How about lynch mobs? Armenian Genocide?

How should Jared know, HE WASN’T PART OF IT, okay?

What a fucking cunt this cunt is.

I love how Ivanka chose a fitted white Colonialist dress, complete with a little safari-style neck-scarf! It was the perfect choice for dancing around with African women, who smiled and laughed like happy children, despite working long backbreaking hours at textile looms, or bending over troughs of cocoa beans.

Speaking of cocoa, Ivanka praised her co-sponsors, including Nestle’s, known for its failure to observe international protocols for child labor.

I have to say that this is the most idiotic public relations scam I have seen in recent memory. Melania herself is a model of humility compared to Ivanka. No wonder they hate each other.

If you can stomach a little more, here’s Ivanka talking about the tremendous toll her “work” has taken on her family life.

“That’s a price that we’re paying together. I am looking forward to a time in the future when I can live a slightly more low-key private life and be able to spend a little bit more time with my children.”

Her kids, she stressed, are proud of the current family business.

Ivanka Trump said her 7-year-old daughter Arabella recently used her nanny’s phone to ask the Siri digital assistant how many people her father had helped get out of prison, after the passage of a criminal justice reform bill Kushner had helped champion.

“I think our kids are really proud and I share with them as many of these stories as I can,” Ivanka Trump said. “I’m certainly going to share the stories of this trip.”

Will she share the stories with the nanny, to pass on to the kids, or will she tell the kids directly? I have so many questions! Can I see Jared’s birth certificate? Who flat-irons Ivanka’s hair every morning? Will anyone ever mention Barron? And when can they all go to prison?

I’ll just try to be patient. At least there was no collusion.

How long have you been watching the news and feeling like crying? Last week was the worst but it’s been going on a long time. Of course there’s rage, but as the true horror keeps building and obliterating everything else, there is grief.

I just want to cry when I hear his voice. When he turns everything to shit. When he finds a new way to shock our sense of decency. I want to cry but I suck it up. You can’t go around crying all the time when you’re already exhausted and besides, you’re trying to aim for numb.

But maybe a good cry would be cathartic. The weight you feel when you think about the world might be lightened, just a little. Crying exists for a reason. Tears of despair are supposed to be biologically useful.

We’ve had our days of marching but we need a day to cry. Before the midterms or after the midterms, it doesn’t matter. If we take over the senate, we can add relief to our reasons for crying.

Every community can gather at a Starbucks or the library. We need to make sure it’s a secular event. No praying, just crying. We’ll all bring tissues.

And let me be clear: We won’t “weep.” I hate the contemporary use of that word, like it’s a badge of honor or an accomplishment to “weep.” We will cry, and we will cry hard. We can even sob.

If you don’t want to cry, that’s your problem. Go ahead and get an ulcer or colitis or heart disease.

If you do want to cry, what will you cry for most? Me, I will cry for the stupidity and racism that brought us here. And for hippos.

Are you in or out?

How sick are you of hearing Trump say the word “baby?” Bad enough that he uses it to insult others but now he’s going around insisting that he isn’t one.

BUT HE IS! He’s a big goddamn baby who can’t take any criticism, who doesn’t know how to say he’s sorry, who doesn’t know how heartbreakingly dumb he is, and who walks around with toilet paper on his shoe! BABY!

He has baby hands, a baby pout, a baby’s rage at Mommy, and let’s face it, all women are  stand-ins for his bad mommy. That’s why he’s so deranged about Hillary, Stormi, and Nancy Pelosi. Let’s not forget Dr. Blasey Ford, either. If you’re not Ivanka, you’re just a menstruating horse-faced pigdog.

Two days ago, he insisted that the “caravan” of people heading our way from Honduras and Guatemala are criminals, even terrorists, and felt compelled to use the B-word:

If you have a twitter account, stop reading for a minute and go tweet at Donald Trump. Tell him he’s a baby. Do this for your country and for your blood pressure. Do it for the knot in your stomach when you hear his voice or see his face. Do it because you’re not allowed to kill him. Do it for every tired refugee hoping for a better life. Do it because he’s ruined democracy.

Then come back and tell me how it felt. I don’t have any stickers like the one that says “I Voted” but virtue is it’s own reward, okay?

xoxo

Aren’t you tired of hearing yourself yell or mutter the same words when Trump rears his ugly head? Fucker! Piece of shit! Stupid fucking liar! Fat scumbag! Dumbass!

Let’s mix things up. Instead of idiot, try:

fool, ass, halfwit, dunce, tool, clown, dolt, prick, douche, ignoramus, monstrosity, cretin, moron, imbecile, simpleton, dope,  nincompoop, chump, dimwit, dumbo, dummy, dum-dum, jackass, blockhead, bonehead, knucklehead, fathead, butthead, numbskull, knuckle-dragger, dipstick, meathead, meatball, airhead, peabrain, birdbrain, mouth-breather, jerk, nitwit, hoser, schmuck, putz, bozo, turkey, vulgarian, chowderhead, oaf, wanker, ding-dong, yo-yo, lummox, low-life, piece of trash.

Instead of contemptible, even though it’s the perfect word for him, there are more adjectives to throw around:

despicable, detestable, hateful, reprehensible, deplorable, unspeakable, disgraceful, shameful, ignominious, abject, discreditable, worthless, beyond contempt, shameful, odious, loathsome, puerile, repellent, repulsive, repugnant, monstrous, sleazy, swinish.

I’m pretty sure you can mix ‘n match. Let me try.

Abject cretin. Worthless prick. Yes!

Okay, so what epithet do you use most often for that cunt?