Slut Hope Hicks and some Nazis.

If Hope Hicks were a man, in her same position at the White House, we could openly accuse him of being a scumbag who can’t keep his dick in his pants. We’d go, “Wow, he’s already fucked two of Trump’s aides?!”

But since Hope is female, we must tread lightly. It’s all #MeToo. Don’t pick on her, she’s a woman. Women are oppressed victims. Time’s Up. We’re tired of being harassed for sex.

Me, I’m tired of Hope Hicks. What’s wrong with her? By all accounts, she is Trump’s closest confidante and handmaiden. She carries a steamer so she can steam his wrinkled suits on Air Force One. She is basically his work wife, and also a substitute for her mentor, Ivanka. She is rumored to be having an affair with Donald, even though she’s not blonde.

But why has she had affairs with Corey Lewandowski and Rob Porter, both thugs that Trump drooled over before throwing overboard? Lewandowski is not only married, but has been accused of sexual assault in a separate event from the battery charge during the campaign.

Porter, who is 6’5”, likes to punch and choke his wives and girlfriends. Fair enough if you work in Trump’s orbit. Locker room stuff.

But Hope? Keep your legs together, girl! Isn’t is degrading enough to be Donald’s go-to assistant and fluffer?

I want to break the silence around Hope. Let’s drag her into this if the men’s behavior can be scrutinized so publicly. If women are truly equal to men, they need to share the blame for stupid indiscretions.

Maybe Hope needs to go to those meetings for Sex and Love Addicts. The first step is admitting that’s she’s powerless over her behavior. Then she can make a decision to turn her will and her life over to the care of God as she understands Him.

I don’t know if they have God over at the White House. I haven’t seen any suggestion of that. Does Hope have a mom? Can Mom remind her what they taught in prep school, where she played lacrosse? Or do they teach you to seek out rough trade in the workplace? Listen, I have no clue, okay? I skipped high school.

The other morning, a male person in my life was raising his voice to me and I said that I didn’t want to be talked to like that. When he seemed perplexed, I explained, “BECAUSE I’M NOT HOPE HICKS!”

I hope this retort can become part of our national lexicon. This would be a win all around.

Thoughts, critiques, or insults?

You’re getting ready to go to a Halloween party and you’re going as Axl Rose. You’ve got your bandanna on and a t-shirt and you’re struggling to get your leather pants zipped up.

They fit okay a couple of years ago when you wore them to a Thanksgiving dinner where you brought a hand-crafted turkey centerpiece made out of Popsicle sticks and colored paper. But now you feel like a bursting leather sausage. So you say, Fuck this, and you go find your other leather pants, the looser ones, but the waist is tight and the rest is too big.

So now you don’t even want to be Axl. Fuck him and fuck everything. You’re a fat whale with no reason to live. None. You have reached a precipice; you should take your leather pants and jump off it. Or if not a precipice, then a milestone. The one where you turn your back on leather pants and relax in a cotton floral housecoat, your legs mapped with varicose veins and your swollen feel stuffed into slipper socks with the non-skid soles.

You can go around like that old lady in a (trigger warning!) Woody Allen film croaking “I was once a great beauty” to anyone who’ll listen.

But then you pull yourself together. You have to go to the party. Your partner is going as Slash. You’ve RSVP’d. So you decide to default to (trigger warning!) Slutty Axl. As long as you have fishnets you can be Slutty Anything. So you put on the fishnet tights and find the tartan skirt you promised to send to a friend in her 20s because Grandma Schoolgirl is just not your preferred self-image, even for Halloween.

Now you’ve pulled it out. So to speak. You still feel a little tragic. You had to compromise, and you know that you’re a pregnant-looking orca but at least now you can wear lipstick and mascara, Because Slut. You jab the mascara in your eye but still valiantly walk out the door on time.

You get to the party and have a drink, feeling your self-hatred fade away like a dream as you behold a girl dressed like Mia from Pulp Fiction, with a bloody nose and a giant syringe sticking out of her chest.

Okay, this is a complicated story and I’m pretty stoned. But stick with me.

There’s a model/actress named Emily Something who is mostly known for her large breasts. I almost wrote “big tits” but stopped myself. Anyway, she was at some celebrity event where she was seated next to a New York Times reporter.

The reporter made a comment about Melania Trump, referring to her as a “hooker.”

So the Emily girl goes to Twitter and scolds the reporter for the sexist comment, tweeting:

Sat next to a journalist from the NYT last night who told me ‘Melania is a hooker.’ Whatever your politics it’s crucial to call this out for what it is: slut shaming. I don’t care about her nudes or sexual history and no one should.

followed by

Gender specific attacks are disgusting sexist bullshit.

(sniff.)

Melania Trump heard about Emily defending her, and used her FLOTUS account to tweet her thanks:

Applause to all women around the world who speak up, stand up and support other women! @emrata #PowerOfEveryWoman #PowerOfTheFirstLady

Wow, Melania is woman, hear her roar!

Then, Emily retweets a person who also defends Melania’s honor with the following lecture:

and Emily adds, “Bravo!”

Okay. So, on the one hand, Emily is all “How dare you call Melania a hooker!” and on the other hand, salutes the notion that being a hooker is a personal, valid choice. I don’t think we can trust this Emily.

Emily has those large breasts and she will get them out at the drop of a hat. She writes essays about how she and Kim Kardashian are being feminist when they show their huge tits, I mean bosoms. Emily wants to get your attention and then scold you while lording it over you. Her tits are everywhere. I don’t know how we could possibly satisfy her need to get them out. Maybe she could become a wet nurse. It’s a valid choice!

Meanwhile, Emily is threatening to sue a photographer who took a million nude pictures of her five years ago before she knew she was going to be a feminist. So she’s really mad. She doesn’t look mad in the photos but that was then.

Leaving Emily’s tits for just a moment, if we may, and getting back to the poor reporter, he has apologized profusely for his unseemly comment, and The New York Times has issued an apology for him as well.

The reporter happens to be the son of Carl Bernstein, one of the two guys who broke the Watergate story.

To sum up, we have a validly slutty model/actress who shamed a reporter for suggesting that the First Lady is a hooker even though Bravo for Hookers; and The New York Times has to apologize, even though the Washington Post didn’t have to apologize when his dad broke the Watergate story.

Or: Tits + Hooker – Sex Worker + Twitter x Shaming -Reporters = FLOTUS -Watergate.

Thoughts or explanations?

Melania Trump is mad at The Daily Mail, Politico, and eight other news outlets for reporting that she once worked for an ‘escort agency.’

Her lawyer – the same one who represented Hulk Hogan in his lawsuit against Gawker media – has put these websites on notice that they will be sued unless they retract the unsubstantiated report.  Because it could harm her sterling reputation, for one thing. Here’s how he put it:

All such statements are 100% false, highly damaging to her reputation, and personally hurtful. She understands that news media have certain leeway in a presidential campaign, but outright lying about her in this way exceeds all bounds of appropriate news reporting and human decency.

I’d like to start off by asking if it’s okay to slut-shame Melania Trump. Is it okay? Because she’s pretty slutty.  And I don’t see why she should be or pretend to be ashamed.

She’s a slutty nude model from Slovenia who was willing to do what it takes to come to America and make money. Not every woman could succeed at this. Most can’t, in fact.

Be proud, Melania!

She met The Donald at a party thrown by some guy who runs a modeling agency and enjoys entertaining big-shots who like sexy gold-diggers. All fine with me!

Unfortunately, Melania has lied about having a college degree and she lied about her immigration history and she lied about writing her own speech at the GOP convention.

And we’ve just learned that she lied under oath in legal proceedings related to some shady skin-cream she was selling.

So I’m going to say she’s a slut and a liar.

Why can’t a lying slut just go about her business strutting around in her Loubs, squinting and frowning and trying to become the First Lady?

Let her reappropriate and embrace the term ‘slut’ just like Amber Rose, who isn’t nearly as slutty as Melania, IMHO.

I hope her feelings aren’t too hurt. But I’m not convinced she’s a good arbiter of “human decency” because, you know, her husband.

Meanwhile, Mr. Trump has promised that Melania will hold a press conference to address the rumors surrounding her immigration.

Oh please, as if.

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Listen to Mrs. Palin’s reaction to David Letterman’s joke about her buying make-up at Bloomingdale’s to update her “slutty flight-attendant look.”

Oh, Mrs. P, he didn’t mean Bloomingdale’s literally! Now I’m wondering if she’s even capable of finding her way around the Bloomie’s cosmetics department.

Isn’t it fun to have her around again? I wish that if she gives up her bid for the presidency, someone will appoint her our Poet Laureate! She could write poems about the First Dude, she could rhyme Bristol with “pistol,” I don’t know, I just really see it working out well for this great nation of ours.

There is a $35,000 stipend that she could use to buy some closed-toe shoes OR to get a baby sitter for that poor little Trig.