Okay, let’s get Madonna out of the way (as if we could!) Why can’t she see what we see? Where are the loved ones who care enough to caution her about her face? I’m pretty sure she doesn’t want to be pitied or laughed at. Right? But her surprise appearance revealed a gigantic blowfish of a face, with crazy milkmaid braids and a slit skirt revealing a stocky old leg in fishnet stockings. At one point, she even snapped at the audience, “You’re supposed to applaud here.” Let’s hope she doesn’t trouble us again until 2024.

It was a suspenseful showdown between Beyonce, Harry Styles, and Adele for Best Something. Album, record, I can’t remember. Bey won two awards, breaking a record for Grammys won, and she gave a humble speech with gratitude to god and her parents. Her dress was awful but at least not see-through this time. If I note that her boobs have grown with her fame, people will be mad at me, so I won’t do that.

Harry Styles performed in a tinsel shroud, and looked genuinely shocked when he won the award that Beyonce wanted.

Adele won an award for “Go Easy on Me” and thanked her son (I think.) She was thinner than ever and had an adorable fangirl meeting with The Rock, who looked like a massive Oscar Award.

That stupid Steve Lacey performed his hit song that made one wonder anew at his popularity. He has zero charisma, can barely sing, and looks like he just woke up.

Brandy Carlile pretended to be a rockstar but worse, she was introduced by her wife and kids, in a nod to LGBTQ inclusivity. No heterosexual artist was moved to display his/her spouse. She sometimes wears cool suits, but not this time.

Stevie Wonder was fantastic, performing a raucous “Higher Ground” to the delight of the black people in the audience. Can we stop letting white people attend the Grammys? They can’t even clap on the right beat.

Speaking of white people, Taylor Swift, the whitest person on earth, wore a a boring sequin two piece outfit that Bob Mackie wouldn’t give the time of day to. As always, she insisted on “dancing” in the audience, to show that she is just a fun girl after all. She didn’t perform or present anything, a huge win for me personally.

Lizzo was her usual vivacious self, performing with a bunch of huge back-up women and exuding a joy that is hard to resist, even for me. I still think she is way too fat because I’m not blind and there is such a thing as too thin and too fat.

Also fat, but horribly full of himself was the new Sam Smith 2.0. Recreating himself as a sex-crazed diva, he arrived with a crew of gender fluid creatures dressed in blood red gowns with weird vampire makeup. His performance was deeply disturbing. He is no Lil Nas X, alright? I officially never want anything to do with him.

Best new artist went to Samira Joy, a woman with a beautiful voice who I plan to learn more about. Yay for beautiful voices!

A salute to 50 years of Hip Hop was mostly great, even though I’m too lame to know most of the artists. At least they seemed authentic and in the moment when they performed.

What else? J Lo and Ben sat near she stage, so we were treated to his dour expression and her attempts to look like she was enjoying herself. Lose him, J Lo. It’s going to be exhausting to keep his spirits up.

As for fashion, Tems (above) looked gorgeous in Vivienne Westwood, Cardi B looked great in a blue avant garde ensemble, Pharrell Williams was pimpin hot in red leather and fur, Laverne Cox looked amazing in black and gold faux-croc, Miguel, who is actually really talented, wore an awful faded denim get up, and even though I can’t stand her, Doja Cat wore a great black latex gown with matching gloves.

There was a big finale featuring a bunch of rap artists sitting at huge table piled with a million pounds of fruit. Jay-Z rapped furiously about either god or himself, I couldn’t tell, but it seemed good. DJ Khaled ruins everything but not this.

Okay? Sorry it was so blah but it’s not my fault! let me know if I forgot anything.

“Quintessentially English, the snail brooch, delicately produced from a real snail shell, beautifully creates the suggestion of back gardens after a summer rain.”

No thank you, Viv.  Over and out.

You know I can’t resist penis jewelry. Here are two new penis options from Vivienne Westwood.   I love the cufflinks but I wish they were earrings.   $151.51   Penis key-ring below,   $118.82

If you don’t crave penises, some other new VW pieces are elaborately pretty and clearly  inspired by Salvador Dali‘s jewelry.

Boulevard Pearly Queen Bracelet:  $277.75    Boulevard Pearly Queen Brooch, below:  $150.51

Available  here.

Dali’s jewelry is exquisite and eye-popping.   If you’re not familiar with it, get ready to scream “Oooooooo!” and go here to get started.

How do you like this draped tartan dress by McQ McQueen? If I could get away with it, I’d buy it immediately from my-wardrobe and never wear it.

Don’t argue with me about this cool collaboration between Anglomania and Lee Jeans. Look at that coppery coating on the light blue denim! It is exactly what I didn’t know I wanted but now I do. I want these jeans badly.

Imagine the insults I’d get from those commenters who think I’m too old, too anorexic, too hateful and too bitter! If I had $265 to blow on more jeans, this pair would be on its way right now. And I’d fucking rock them as well as just wear them.

Are your feet big like mine? Are they a US 10 or IT 40? If so, you can buy these awesome Illex Kinni shoes RIGHT NOW for $230, saving yourself $20 from the retail price.

Or! You can buy these fabulous Vivienne Westwood boots, same size, for only $250 plus shipping!

Both of these are UNWORN, waiting in their boxes under my bed for someone who can walk in heels.

Yes, yes, I am a cunt who once bought acquired shoes and lots of other pricey stuff in the mistaken belief that they would make me happy, lovable, and shielded from life’s essential and meaningless horror. Okay?

Now I’m a cunt who needs to try to pay bills.

Contact me at sisterwolf666@gmail.com if you’re interested.   If you’re not, PLEASE don’t tell me why in a comment, unless you want me to kill you or you happen to be Wendy Brandes.   Thanks! xoxo

I haven’t been able to work since August, and now there is a pile of unpaid bills. This is not a “boo hoo, poor me” thing, it’s just a fact.   As you know, I was formerly a highly paid tabloid journalist. Now I am screwed.

So! Here is the big push to raise funds.   You can buy a fanatastic piece of Sister Wolf’s Hoarded Fashion Collection  while at the same time aiding in a humanitarian effort. It’s like painting a chair for the Dying Children, ONLY BETTER.

Above and below is a beautiful Chanel handbag from Neiman Marcus in immaculate condition. Never worn, hoarded for no good reason.

All the usual shit included: bag, box, authenticity papers. Click on the photo to enlarge it.

Below, Chanel laquer bangle with rhinestones. It’s a wavy shape, rather than a plain circle. Perfect for any occasion, bla bla bla.

Next, and this breaks my heart, is a leather purse by the amazing Natalia Brilli. Softest leather with sculptured hand thingy. Big enough for lipstick and a credit card. Wonderful in every way.

If you wear a US 10 or a Euro 40, these Vivienne Westwood boots are both collectible and wearable if you can walk in heels. They have been in their original box under my bed since I bought them from Coggles.com.

Made in Italy, real leather, hidden platform, fierce, to die for, etc etc.

Remember my Vivienne Westwood horns-tiara? Want to own it? Just say the word.

And remember this Sharon Wauchob coat from Sharon Osbourne’s private sale? Size 4, never worn, duh, only hoarded. Heavy black cotton with lots of weird designer details.

Okay, so.   If you’re interested in any of these things from the Sister Wolf’s Hoarded Fashion Collection  , let me know. The bag = $600,   bangle = $150,   little purse = $125 SOLD,   boots = $450, coat = $80. SOLD

DO NOT LEAVE COMMENTS unless you want me to kill you.   “Nice stuff, I wish I had the money” would just embitter me further about my situation. Contact me at sisterwolf666@gmail.com or via my other email.

* Notice my walker in the first photo? I could have cropped it but no, that’s how awesome I am.

How timely! Here, you can watch Viv urge people to make clothes out of tablecloths if they find a nice one. How lovely to hear the ultimate arbiter of great style chime in on our tablecloth plans for fall/winter!   It’s always good to know Vivienne Westwood approves, isn’t it?

Also, note the deep red lipstick. Beautiful! Try NARS Velvet-Matte lip pencil in Dragon Girl or Cruella. If you have any red lipstick suggestions, please share with the class.

When Cathy Horyn wrote a piece in the NYT called “Irony and the Old Lady” she was complaining about women who seem to deliberately wear silly clothes after the age of 50. The complaint was picked up in The Cut, which posed the question “Can Women Over 50 Pull Off Ironic Fashion?”

I think the real question should be: Why don’t these writers know what irony is?   Is everybody Alanis Morissette all of a sudden?

Ms. Horyn seems to mean over-the-top when she alludes to ironic fashion. She cites Anna Piaggi, who is way, way over the top. But is Piaggi being ironic? She is, if she finds her own look ridiculous and isn’t letting on. But if she dresses to please herself and to make the statement that More is More, that’s not being ironic!

Then, Ms. Horyn considers socks-with-heels, and vintage straw hats. She doesn’t like them, but why does she find them ironic? Maybe she thinks ironic means, stuff she doesn’t like.

The examples of older women dressing ironically in The Cut include Cher, who just has bad taste, and Diane Keaton, whose style is extremely eccentric. Where’s the irony?! Then the author gives us Vivienne Westwood, who looks glamorous and punky as always, and decides, Yes! She can pull it off.   Again, Vivienne has a distinctive style, but where’s the irony?

A long time ago, I thought it was funny to wear t shirts advertising bands I hated. Then one day I explained to my husband that I was wearing some hideous floral printed jeans because a friend gave them to me and they were SO OBVIOUSLY something I would never wear. Haha, get it? Neither did my husband. He pointed out that I was simply having a joke with myself that no one else   was in on. Oops! I was being too ironic for my own good, at that point.

Last night I watched Ghost World for the millionth time, and even though I’ve come to accept the ending as inevitable instead of heart-breaking, I was struck anew by how much I identify with Enid. Still.

Enid’s outfits are all ironic. Each item looks carefully picked for its irony factor. She works hard at it, too. Remember when she goes to the trouble of dying her hair green, but nobody gets her ironic reference to “original 1977 punk” fashion?   Poor Enid.   “Everybody’s stupid!” is her stance toward the world, especially when they don’t appreciate her studied irony.

If what you’re wearing says “You probably think I mean this but I don’t!” then you are being ironic.   If you just look like you don’t know how awful you look (Betsey Johnson, Cher, Madonna at the Met) then you are a victim of bad judgment. Period, godammit.

For an essay on the meaning of irony, go here.

Alright, who’s gonna buy me this new penis necklace by Vivienne Westwood?

It’s a silver satyr riding a tiger’s eye penis…and a nice one at that!   Mothers’ Day, anyone?

*

Somehow over time, I have managed to sign up for updates at fifty thousand shopping sites. It takes me hours to sift through this shit daily, but I don’t have the will power to un-register from any of these lists.

Today I looked at Ron Herman, a swanky hipster boutique in Los Angeles that carries all the usual designer jeans, ugly terrorist scarves and   cropped leather jackets. Ugh. I scrolled down dutifully and saw this new ring by Vivienne Westwood. $875, and kind of nothing looking.

But I said to my self, Self, I bet that ring is much cheaper in the UK. I went over here to Hervia.com and Bingo! $328, using the currency converter!

How much would you want to kill yourself if you’d bought this ring at Ron Herman?!

I am the savviest shopper you’ll ever meet. When I watch Dexter (a GREAT series on Showtime,) I find my self thinking, Oh look, she’s wearing a James Perse shirt that costs $145 unless you find one of those online coupons. I think about this really quickly but often end up having to ask my husband what just happened. He stops the show using our magic Tivo-like thingy, and angrily explains what’s going on.

Anyway, I am full of shopping knowledge that is mostly useless but occasionally comes in handy. I have a personal relationship with every one of the Shopbop models, and I know where you can get those ugly Rats by Sass and Bide in a new PVC-look fabric.

If only I can stick with my new conviction that ordering shit online will never, ever lead to fulfillment. I have a shoe store under my bed to prove it, and stacks of jeans that I barely recognize. We’ll see if I’m capable of learning anything.

If you didn’t listen to my latest radio appearance, then you won’t know that I ended up talking about the Mexican celebration known as Day of the Dead. Here is a beautiful photo of me and my niece with a Blue Demon Guy, who gave me a piece of candy.

* Stay tuned for the Crazy Mother Club, coming soon.