Okay, let’s get Madonna out of the way (as if we could!) Why can’t she see what we see? Where are the loved ones who care enough to caution her about her face? I’m pretty sure she doesn’t want to be pitied or laughed at. Right? But her surprise appearance revealed a gigantic blowfish of a face, with crazy milkmaid braids and a slit skirt revealing a stocky old leg in fishnet stockings. At one point, she even snapped at the audience, “You’re supposed to applaud here.” Let’s hope she doesn’t trouble us again until 2024.

It was a suspenseful showdown between Beyonce, Harry Styles, and Adele for Best Something. Album, record, I can’t remember. Bey won two awards, breaking a record for Grammys won, and she gave a humble speech with gratitude to god and her parents. Her dress was awful but at least not see-through this time. If I note that her boobs have grown with her fame, people will be mad at me, so I won’t do that.

Harry Styles performed in a tinsel shroud, and looked genuinely shocked when he won the award that Beyonce wanted.

Adele won an award for “Go Easy on Me” and thanked her son (I think.) She was thinner than ever and had an adorable fangirl meeting with The Rock, who looked like a massive Oscar Award.

That stupid Steve Lacey performed his hit song that made one wonder anew at his popularity. He has zero charisma, can barely sing, and looks like he just woke up.

Brandy Carlile pretended to be a rockstar but worse, she was introduced by her wife and kids, in a nod to LGBTQ inclusivity. No heterosexual artist was moved to display his/her spouse. She sometimes wears cool suits, but not this time.

Stevie Wonder was fantastic, performing a raucous “Higher Ground” to the delight of the black people in the audience. Can we stop letting white people attend the Grammys? They can’t even clap on the right beat.

Speaking of white people, Taylor Swift, the whitest person on earth, wore a a boring sequin two piece outfit that Bob Mackie wouldn’t give the time of day to. As always, she insisted on “dancing” in the audience, to show that she is just a fun girl after all. She didn’t perform or present anything, a huge win for me personally.

Lizzo was her usual vivacious self, performing with a bunch of huge back-up women and exuding a joy that is hard to resist, even for me. I still think she is way too fat because I’m not blind and there is such a thing as too thin and too fat.

Also fat, but horribly full of himself was the new Sam Smith 2.0. Recreating himself as a sex-crazed diva, he arrived with a crew of gender fluid creatures dressed in blood red gowns with weird vampire makeup. His performance was deeply disturbing. He is no Lil Nas X, alright? I officially never want anything to do with him.

Best new artist went to Samira Joy, a woman with a beautiful voice who I plan to learn more about. Yay for beautiful voices!

A salute to 50 years of Hip Hop was mostly great, even though I’m too lame to know most of the artists. At least they seemed authentic and in the moment when they performed.

What else? J Lo and Ben sat near she stage, so we were treated to his dour expression and her attempts to look like she was enjoying herself. Lose him, J Lo. It’s going to be exhausting to keep his spirits up.

As for fashion, Tems (above) looked gorgeous in Vivienne Westwood, Cardi B looked great in a blue avant garde ensemble, Pharrell Williams was pimpin hot in red leather and fur, Laverne Cox looked amazing in black and gold faux-croc, Miguel, who is actually really talented, wore an awful faded denim get up, and even though I can’t stand her, Doja Cat wore a great black latex gown with matching gloves.

There was a big finale featuring a bunch of rap artists sitting at huge table piled with a million pounds of fruit. Jay-Z rapped furiously about either god or himself, I couldn’t tell, but it seemed good. DJ Khaled ruins everything but not this.

Okay? Sorry it was so blah but it’s not my fault! let me know if I forgot anything.

All the commotion about Balenciaga’s new ad campaign with children is totally misplaced, besides being just stupid.

Where are the complaints about their awful pantaboots worn to death by Kim Kardashian??

Where is the outrage?

These fucking pantaboots are so egregious, and worn by KK, they are an abomination. They probably cost a million dollars, they make your feet look enormous, and how do you wash them? Everything about them is just aggressively awful.

And yet it’s the ads with little kids that has the entire internet going nuts with inflated umbrage and puritanical pearl-clutching. Balenciaga has been forced to issue several apologies for the ads, evidently confirming that they are inappropriate child porn, and vowing to implement a barrage of “safeguards” so this will never, ever happen again.

Where the outraged masses see bondage paraphernalia, I see classic old-school punk.

Look at this stupid bear, for example. It’s punk, not B&D! Jesus Christ, people of Earth. Get a grip.

Sometimes, pornography, or inappropriate images, is in the mind of the beholder. I think the kids in these ads are cute. They are not sexualized, in my opinion, and there is nothing seductive about them. But the furor is off the charts, rife with allusions to pedophilia and child trafficking.

I would like to have seen a fraction of this outrage in response to the children separated from their parents at the southern border. Children in cages weren’t as incendiary as these kids with teddy bears. Instead of aiming some well-deserved wrath at Kim K for her fucking pantaboots, the internet condemned her for being too slow to denounce the brand currently most associated with her. She finally expressed her concern, even though she dresses her young children in heavy gold chains that she hastens to label as “real.” Her tone was mild but dutifully sanctimonious

Not too long ago, I spent time with my friend’s two year old daughter, who was running around their living room naked. The adorable little girl was making hilarious faces at me, and I took a couple of picture with my phone. I showed a picture to a family member, who accused me of imposing child pornography on her. I was genuinely shocked; all I saw was the funny expression, without noticing the body parts. We had a heated argument, that ended up with both of us threatening to ask our therapists to weigh in on it.

Her therapist sided with her, while mine sided with me. I can guess where they’d stand on the stupid Balenciaga controversy. But me and my therapist would be right.

What do you and your therapist think??

I never expected the Grammy’s to fuck up my personal life, but thanks to Justin Bieber, it has. I posted a picture of an oversized suit I bought last month from Zara (I know), and several people commented “Justin Bieber.” So today I googled “Justin Bieber suit” and to my horror found that he wore a similar suit on the red carpet. What a bastard. Do I have to take mine back now?? I don’t want to. I don’t want to lead a Bieber-directed life. Let him return his suit.

Other than that, the Grammy’s offered  fewer insults to taste and intelligence than in recent years. It was quite a surprise. The grown-ups won several award that could have gone to some useless clowns. There were fewer rappers performing and more actual singers and musicians (yep, okay boomer, I get it, so don’t even bother.)

Olivia Rodrigo has become my most hated figure in pop, dethroning Taylor Swift, who must despise Olivia for muscling in on the My Boyfriend Was Mean territory. Olivia and Taylor both got implants, both have huge teeth, and both like to bleat instead of sing. But Olivia seems even more fake and awful somehow, turning to Doc Martens to signify her punky side. Just ew, Olivia. Every time she didn’t win something, I felt a surge of relief.

I also hate Doja Cat, for obvious reasons, but I was enchanted by her Grammy co-winner, a full-sized woman on crutches and wearing a naked dress with a long train, carried by a helpful Lady Gaga. If you didn’t see it, it was a Moment.

Sticking with Lady Gaga, she performed a sickening Jazz number, playing the role of a 50’s chanteuse to the hilt. I actually had to cover my face. Why can’t she just choose one persona, or, god forbid, just be an authentic and genuine person?

Billie Eilish turned out to be a real rockstar, even if it’s taken a lifetime of looking in her bedroom mirror to perfect the stance. I loved her head banging song, which contained the line You ruined everything good, a lyric for the ages, I feel.

H.E.R was fantastic as always, bringing aging sexpot Lenny Kravitz onstage for a dueling guitar solo, serving up real style and talent that everyone present seemed to appreciate. I want to know how Lenny can squat so effortlessly when I can barely get down to tie my shoe.

What else? Jon Batiste, whoever he is, gave an all-cylinders performance that ended with him jumping on a table, and later gave a beautiful acceptance speech celebrating art. I love it when someone seems like a great human being, even if they aren’t.

Lil Nas X was super gay and super hot, but he ruined things by adding Jack Harlow to the mix. Who the fuck is Jack Harlow and why do we need him?

Carrie Underwood turned out to have fabulous muscular legs, even though her song was stupid, so fabulous that I googled them and found  her work-out regime. I’m not going to do it, by the way. But go look at those legs.

The Bieber performed an annoying emo song about peaches, and I was mad at him without even knowing about the suit insult to come. I would have been happy to just feel sorry for him, but now it’s war.

If I forgot something, let me know.

Oh god, Will and Jada Smith, just go away. Boo hoo about Jada’s hair loss! Let her deal with osteoporosis, which I am blessed with, and my husband doesn’t need to slap anyone. Let her and her whole crazy family shut up about their personal dramas! Who gives a shit? Best performance of Toxic Masculinity by a big baby. Thank you, next.

Okay, back to business.

Aren’t you relived that Nicole Kidman didn’t win?? Her dress with that donut-peplum thing was awful, and she needs to start eating. Jessica Chastain seemed like a nice person, didn’t she? Her dress looked like a Disney cartoon princess, which was kind of poignant, but really the best thing about her is that her adorable nose is the result of plastic surgery.Yay! I saw the original nose somewhere on Instagram.

Megan Thee Stallion was a “nice” surprise, just like, or rather not anything like, Liza Minnelli. All the red dresses cancelled each other out, didn’t they? The only good one was the trouser outfit worn by the joyfully queer Ariana DeBose. Black dresses were in short supply for some reason, but Billie Eilish‘s dress was a monstrosity by any standards. Good for her! She likes to get a reaction and I hope she’s satisfied with EW! and WHY??

Maggie Gyllenhaal wore a black Schiaparelli that looked like a chest of drawers, the better to shield Jake from questions about Taylor’s scarf.

Kristen Stewart was super hot in her shorts and unbuttoned shirt, let’s admit it. Her bad-girl thing is still going strong and I want it to never stop. Likewise, boy-toy Timothee Chalamet was fetching in his Luis Vuitton women’s jacket and bare chest. What a darling little person he is. I also loved Wesley Snipes in a nutty, Pimptastic satin shorts suit with matching leggings.

Best outfit for my money was a floral suit worn by Encanto director Byron Howard. It was so wonderful! Where is the fuss about it??? Who made it? Can I borrow it? I’m still looking for pictures and info. Second best was an amazing dress printed with Renaissance angels, worn by Eva von Bahr, along with a Greek bust handbag.

WAIT, I almost forgot to mention Beyonce! Her musical number was a baffling Busby Berkley type extravaganza with a million women all wearing yellow-green dresses that did not distract from the song’s essential nothingness. I kept wondering how many starving people could have been fed with the money that went into this enterprise. Come @ me, Black women, I know it’s a racist sin to not appreciate Bey, and I’ve already heard from several irate nutcases on this subject.

In fact, I’d like to see Beyonce slap Jada, or vice versa, in keeping with the new Twitter game of imagining offbeat slapping scenarios.

Who would you like to see slapped, and by whom? Weigh in! And what did I leave out?

Every day I get a million emails from shopping sites, promoting the newest looks. They want me to know what’s trending. They still challenge me to “up my game.” Who are they kidding?

Please. Does anyone want new clothes? I don’t get how the high end companies still exist. Why are they bothering us with “the new season”? Seasons are over. It’s either hot or cold. You either add or remove your sweater.

Now we’re asked to feel sorry for the fashion industry…one of the industries most responsible for pollution after fuel. The arguments are: If you put on a nice outfit, you’ll feel better about yourself! Or, fashion is still an important way to express yourself! Or, fashion brings joy into our lives!

Someone is still trying to up their game, because someone seems to be purchasing leather culottes. Every brand has them. But who wants to stick to the couch while you’re watching Your Shows??

So awful and tragic, at every price point.

I follow two fashion influencers on Instagram and I’ve already annoyed one by criticizing his Gucci ad. It’s his livelihood to look privileged, so I get that. But the inequities of the world are now too blatant to justify $900 sneakers. Maybe if we’re ever allowed out again, people with those sneakers will be ostracized. Or burned at the stake.

Where I live, people dress for  comfort, i.e. we are slobs. It’s a very working class neighborhood. Elsewhere in L.A., maybe people are doing their Starbucks run in leather culottes but I doubt it. It’s too hot and there’s nowhere to go. Looking ahead, there will be places to go but people will be too germ-phobic and worn out to give a shit about impressing each other.

Some things just feel over, permanently, and in some cases good riddance. People may want to argue that everything is coming back and things will be the same as before, but I disagree.

When I was young, women wore girdles and pantyhose. It was just a normal part of getting dressed to go to work. Now, this seems dumb, because it is.  Women with straight hair used to get perms! Ew, remember? Men used to smoke pipes! Just as those aspects of daily life have worn out their welcome, so will the idea of tirelessly adding new clothes, handbags and shoes when your closets and drawers are already full.

You can exhibit your style with the stuff you already have. Or you can decide that superficial shit is a waste of energy in this age of horror. After 9/11, New Yorker’s realized that footwear should accommodate running for your life.

Fashion is an anachronism. Let it die.

What about dining out? The concept already seems weird to me! It’s no fun to eat around strangers who might infect you with something. A couple of years ago, I offered my CBD vape thing to a girl sitting next to me on a flight to London. We got a little high together and she told me about her affair with a colleague. That won’t be happening again. Thanks to that cunt in the White House, we can’t fly to London.

Here’s where we can still go:

Albania
Dominican Republic
Kosovo
Maldives
Mexico
North Macedonia
Serbia
Tunisia
Turkey

What, no Belarus??

Other countries will take us but with restrictions.

What other things do you think are over for good? On the bright side, I have started reading novels again, so I could use recommendations.

Also, I now write songs in my head, usually in rhyming verses. Here’s my latest:

I don’t want to die of Covid, not that I’m afraid of death
I don’t want to die of cancer, dying in your bed is best

I don’t want to die of Covid, that’s not how I want to go
I don’t want a ventilator, if they ask me, I’ll say no.

Try singing that in your head and tell me that isn’t fun!

I praised the shoes and he said they were a collaboration with “a designer named JW Anderson.” He seemed shocked that I knew the designer. Was it because I’m a hundred years old? Or because I was holding this hideous, $250 piece of shit from Topshop??

If you are what you wear, a lot of people are not only nuts, but blind too. I was happy to get this photo but it’s safe to say that most hideous denim exists not as private jokes but as genuine bait for the rich and clueless. It just never stops! Year after year, the denim atrocities flood shopping sites and landfills. It’s the one sure thing after death and taxes.

Here are a few new “pieces” for you to contemplate. If your central aim is to look unattractive, the following will fit the bill:

Classically misconceived shorts by Lowe, featuring the dreaded front pleats, a wide hipped silhouette and an awkward length.$650.

Or for a few more bucks and equally unflattering, these Natalie Ratebisi high-waisted jeans with darts, pleats and camel-toe, just $725.

How about a skirt?

R13 never disappoints when it comes to overpriced pseudo-hipster crap. This stretch-denim leopard-print skirt with chewed edges features an asymmetrical crossover waist. How cute with some fake Dr. Martens and an expensive white T? A bargain at $495.

Now let’s see what the luxury designers are doing with denim, starting with Carolina Herrera.

Front slits and self-tie waist-sash make these denim pants a baffling choice for any occasion, right? I mean, what would you wear them with? I just can’t even. $1,090.

Unravel is a horrible upscale brand that’s always trying to punk us with their stupid laughable designs, kind of like Y Project and their denim panties. Here’s a key piece for Spring.

All the bells and whistles for $1,145. Fuckers.

Finally, because I’m getting depressed, here’s a jumpsuit by Isabel Marant, the brand that’s supposed to be the essence of French cool-girl style.

At least it looks comfortable, except when you have to pee, of course. Just $550 

Fuck!

Just like you, I’m filled with dread about everything but it would be wrong to overlook these boots. I mean, Jesus Christ. They are Hawaiian Printed Ankle Half Cowboy Boots!

How can this even be?! Only R13 could have come up with this, and then ask for $1,895! Here are the listed details:

Leather: Cowhide
Studded harness detail
Boots
Chunky heel
Buckle at ankle
Pointed toe
Leather sole
Made in Italy
This item cannot be gift-boxed

“Cannot be gift-boxed” for $1,895??? I don’t think so.

And how could they forget to list SPIKES for fucksake?

If any footwear deserved to die, it is these boots. I mean half boots.

What about this Rick Owens clutch bag? As long as all the shit you carry around in your handbag is shaped like an arrow or kebab skewer, this would be super convenient as well as eye-catching. Originally $1,815 but marked down to just $726. Use it as a weapon if worse comes to worse, and you know it will.

Refashioning folklore with the contemporary and an unlikely dash of 80s rock climbing, Chopova Lowena are redefining Bulgarian identity.

Whatever. This jacket is on sale for $945 and it features a removable hood, so it’s more versatile than it looks. You could pretend it came from an old David Bowie video or just turn up your nose and act like you’re an Influencer and you know what’s trending. The best part is that it’s 100% polyurethane and polyester, and you have to dry clean it.

You’re probably thinking, But where’s the denim??

I know I’ve been shirking my denim responsibilities due to Everything, but here’s a personal favorite, the hugely popular and iconic Ksenia Schnaider asymmetrical jeans:

As coveted as they are, according to Dazed, you can get them for only $430 at Shopbop. Just look at the rear view.

Who wouldn’t want to exit a room like this? People will wonder which of your legs is deformed, the thin one or the wide one!

Just be glad I’m here to distract you, people. They also serve who only stand and wait refers to bloggers, above all, I’m pretty sure.

Worst ever, obviously. And time to end this stupid event since there’s nowhere to go from here. Poor Anna Wintour wouldn’t know “camp” if Kim Kardashian’s butt read the dictionary definition aloud to her. The Met Gala is itself an exercise in camp. It could only improve on it’s ignorance by making next year’s theme “Classy.”

The red (actually pink) carpet was a nightmare of awfulness. Who were stupider, the celebrities who aimed for camp or the ones who ignored the theme entirely? You tell me.

My vote for biggest moron is Demi Moore, who clearly thought Fuck you, I’m elegant, I look younger than my daughters, just look at my hair extensions and facial work!

Most repulsive, Kim K, flaunting a greasy-looking distorted body and a houseboy wearing black streetwear. The other members of her family wore clown outfits appropriate to their stations in life.

Most delightful goes to Cardi B, whose tribute to Rihanna‘s yellow omelette dress looked like a gigantic cartoon of a blood cell. I loved her total commitment to the look, which included a bathing cap-like head covering. Most pitiful attempt at oneupsmanship was Nicki Minaj, who looked like a blob of pink pork laced into a pink ruffly tarp.

Lady Gaga takes the award for most needy, with Katy Perry a close second. Jared Leto wins the GO AWAY FOREVER prize with his stupid Gucci robe and severed head. Gucci designer Alessandro Michele also must go away, pleeeeeeeeeease Kering!

Emily Ratajkowski was the most Almost Naked (big surprise). Celine Dion was so close to most tragic that I hate to take it away from her. She gave it her all, including a peek at her crotch area.

But Harry Styles is my pick for Most Tragic, wearing his grandma’s sheer black negligee with a deer-in-the-headlights expression and a gratuitous dangly earring.  He probably thought he was being all Mick Jagger but instead he was Anna’s Bitch.

Meanwhile Anna herself chose a beautiful gown and feather cape, opting for straight up couture and leaving the lampshade hats to her guests. Thank you Anna, next!

Mid-rise. Four-pocket styling. Single cropped leg. Zip-fly. Partially lined. Tonal hardware.

“Single cropped leg.” Roger that. No explanation necessary! Here’s another view:

So good.  All eyes will be on you, hopefully. It’s a casual look, and quite breezy on the one leg, but you can upgrade for a more formal look by getting the nicely proportioned matching jacket.

For some reason, I think the trousers would be better for a one-legged person, don’t you? Instead of leaving that poor exposed leg to just hang there so vulnerably, a one-legged person would look great, without having to to take it to a tailor. I feel the same way about the popular one-armed look in dresses and tops. I just don’t feel good about the bared limb.

Let’s say you’re Dan Cooper, a guy who is currently featured on a reality show in the UK, living in a house with 4 other “extraordinary” people. Evidently, viewers don’t have much sympathy for Dan, who had his leg chopped off in order to feel “whole.”

Dan has BIID, and suffered for many years with the affliction of having one too many legs. Interestingly, this appears to be an extremely British disorder. There’s a great documentary somewhere that spends time with a few of these guys and they are all British. A Scottish surgeon got in trouble for amputating healthy legs, even though he was just trying to prevent his patients from seeking a potentially life-threatening back alley solution to their being bipeds.

Be that as it may! Dan is now a TV personality and people will just have to learn to accept him. Thank god that fucking leg isn’t tormenting him any more. But how good would he look in those mid-rise, partially lined pants at Ssense?

I’m just saying.