The Ass Age


We have entered The Ass Age, and The Apocalypse is sure to follow. I would like it to hurry up.

I’m not certain about the beginning of The Ass Age. Jennifer Lopez was the precursor many years ago but no one could’ve imagined what was coming.

Astute bible students may have predicted it, though.

And when the ass saw the angel of the LORD, she fell down under Balaam: and Balaam’s anger was kindled, and he smote the ass with a staff.

That’s just one of 143 times the word ‘ass’ appears in the bible. And as we know, Things Happen For A Reason. The Lord was warning us about the worship of asses. And in the fullness of time, it has come to pass.

Kim Kardashian is the Anti-Christ, obviously. We are suffering for her sins. I am, anyway.

That huge ass is following us everywhere, threatening to block out the sun. Maybe it’s causing Climate Change for all we know. It keeps getting bigger. It will need a wheelbarrow or crane or something if it keeps growing at its present rate.

What does that huge ass want from us?

It has already spawned disturbing imitators, especially in the art of hip-hop, who might be the Apostles. How many Apostles were there? I once has an awful wall-hanging depiction of The Last Supper that I used as a rug, but I failed to count the attendees. Were there eight? Ten?

Whatever. Nicki Minaj and Iggy Azalea are two, and Khloe Kardashian makes three. When we get the full cohort, the doomsday clock will strike midnight. The End Times. It will be a bummer for most of us but for others it will come as a blessed relief. No more huge asses taunting us, frightening us, swelling uncontrollably the The Blob.

We will be free.

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12 Responses to The Ass Age

  1. Tinlizzie says:

    When I was 21 or so, my then lover said I had “the ass of a showgirl”. It’s small and I think somewhat flat but it’s served me well and has had many admirers.

  2. Ali says:

    Maybe it is just the dawning of the age of assquarius??

  3. ali says:

    By the way – Some of my college friends live in New York and work at Paper Magazine. I hold them personally responsible for THIS particular mess. She sort of just looks like an eel wriggling out of its seaweed wrap.

  4. Bevitron says:

    I fear it could break free of her and roam the countryside like the gigantic tit in Woody Allen’s “Sleeper”….only instead of gurgling tit noises, the Ass would flap and fart its oily way across the nation, trapping innocent bystanders and tall buildings in its super-massive crack!

    You’re right, we are doomed.

    Ladies, you can’t twerk in here – this is the Ass Room!

  5. Suspended says:

    I wonder what size of pink toilet you’d need for an ass that size? Some sort of conjoined twin.

    The ass would look at least a tiny bit more in proportion had they not photoshopped half of her waist off. Did I really just think that?? Ok, time to wake myself up with a big mug of coffee. There’s nothing like a giant, greasy, fat arse to put you off your breakfast.

    Is it just me, or is she looking more like Beyonce than Beyonce?

    I’m just not ready for that jelly.

    ….It’s still not as big an arse as Kanye.

  6. frank says:

    Considering she began with a sex video featuring rear prone positions, show her bare behind now is actually like a kind of life trajectory towards becoming fully clothed in public.

  7. deb says:

    why is she standing in a bin liner?

  8. lisamareedom says:

    This is my moment and I will enjoy it. All natural, no implants and very comfortable to sit on. I have a big arse.

  9. Dj says:

    All Ass and no Klass

    Why. Why. Why. Why?

  10. Mo in KCMO says:

    Sis, you are STILL the best wordsmith blogging. And you inspire clever writing in your respondants. Loving you all these years! Mo

  11. Dru says:

    I’ll give her this, awful and vapid as she is, at least she more or less acknowledges that she is famous for just her looks and love life, and isn’t trying to front like she is some wannabe next level cross between Martha Stewart and Proust (e.g. Blake Lively, who can neither act nor blog with any degree of competence).

    I love big asses. I have one of my own and it makes for a nice waist-hip ratio, but that oiled and photoshopped tumour posing as Ms Kardashian’s derriere….no thank you.

    I will also say, I prefer the Kardashians to remain the cheap trash they are when posing on magazine covers (no thank you again to the youngest ones attempts to be a fashion model……go back to your reality show and cheap hair extensions please, you are no Cara D.)

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