front-porch rules!

If you’ve been following this story, you will be glad to hear that the Window Treatment issue has been sorted out.

We are getting blinds in fake wood that looks really real, ordered from a fantastic Persian lady who also showed me curtains with little Japanese guys in boats that would cost $2,000 for one room!  It was a huge relief to get the window decision behind us.

We disagreed about the couch placement in the living room and got people to come over and render judgements and help move stuff around. When I told my psychiatrist about the couch dispute, he shared that he and his wife had a couch dispute a few days earlier, with one of them using the phrase “over my dead body.”

I have not been moved to say “over my dead body” so far, but I did start writing a song called “I’ve got a bridge and I’m gonna jump off it.” We live a couple of short blocks from a park that overlooks the ocean, with a steep drop that I can’t look at without the thought of jumping.  If I jumped, it would have to be a sure-fire fatality. It would have to be several stories high and I would have to be more despondent that I am at this moment.

No one likes to hear me talk about death. Death is with me every single day, as a heartache and and a fantasy solution. My niece came to visit and was happy to talk about death, which was a delightful surprise.  She had given the subject plenty of thought. I confided that my husband once got angry when he told me he wanted a coffin burial and I asked what he wanted to wear for the occasion. She responded, “Probably because he has too many choices,” referring to his collection of 94 shirts.

In any case, I can’t die before I get the pink toilet I so richly deserve.

We walked into a plumbing shop after finding that the tile shop was closed. There, I asked if they had a pink toilet, and the girl told me Sorry, pink toilets are a thing of the past. Armed with my knew Toilet Knowledge, I said smugly, “No, Gerber still makes them.” She went to her office to look this up on her computer, and I heard her exclaim “Unbelievable!”

I felt wonderful, more informed about toilets that an actual toilet girl! She took me to a hallway decorated with toilet seats in every color ever manufactured. She was a genuine Toilet Enthusiast. She pointed out a color called ‘Merlot,’ a deep wine color, almost like Chanel Rouge Noir, and noted that it’s the hardest color to find. We discussed the wide variety of green hued toilet seats.

The Toilet Girl ordered a pink toilet for me. Did you know that the  seat comes in both wood and plastic?

I want to be best friends with the Toilet Girl and talk about toilets until the end of time, or until I get a Tile Guy to bond with.

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14 Responses to Toilets

  1. David Duff says:

    Never mind the 95 shirts, has he got a suitable tie? No gentleman is ever buried without wearing a suitable tie. I may have mentioned before, well, only 175 times, that I am the Founder, President for Life and so far, alas, the sole member of S.P.O.T – the Society for the Preservation Of Ties. Once we have agreed on exactly how to bump off your old man I am available to fly over and act as your tie consultant – no, no, my fees are very reasonable. Anyway, your veranda looks exceedingly comfy, the sunshine looks delicious and the thought of the park over-looking the Pacific is very tempting so I might extend my stay! Mind you, I will have to wear dark glasses if you insist on pink lavatory seats!

    Anyway, I send you my very best wishes for life in your new home and I think you should celebrate by smashing a bottle of champagne – no, no, not against the house but over the old man’s head, that should see him off in style and then, my heart, the future is ours!

  2. Andra says:

    You are looking good sitting on your porch (it looks like a verandah to me but I still use the old spelling and apparently Duff is more up to date. Hard to believe, I know, but that’s life.)
    Sit and enjoy and don’t go near the jumping mountain.
    I can’t sit next to an exit on a plane because I have a mad compulsion to open the door and fling myself out.
    The pink loo is not my cup of tea but I can see that you need it so enjoy, enjoy!
    I am currently ripping out the old en-suite and building a wheel-chair friendly one. Probably not as much fun as you are having.
    Don’t run away with Duff, you’ll have the memsahib after you.

  3. Bevitron says:

    The pink toilet is just a given. It shall be. My question is, which pink? I guess one should be grateful for a pink toilet, period, since they seem to be so rare and are even thought extinct by some. But…are we talking baby pink? Capezio pink? Dusty, dusky, kind of sunset-y pink (my idea of the classic Toilet Pink)? Yellowy pink? Lavender pink? This is important.

    I shouldn’t question you – I know it will go with the bathroom spectacularly. I can’t wait to see! We will get to see, won’t we?

    About twelve years ago, someone in a big old house down the street from me – a great 20’s era, wraparound porch house that must have originally been strictly white toilet – threw out a perfectly good, intact, unchipped and not overly dirty-looking pink toilet with bowl and tank and seat and lid and everything, in their front yard, apparently to wait for anybody to pick it up and take it away. My best friend & I drove by that toilet 5 or 6 times, trying to figure out if we could get it into her husband’s small truck and then to her house without smashing it to pieces, and then stash it in her shed until we could figure out what to do with it. She had vague thoughts of turning it into a planter at the bottom of her backyard (!!!) and I wanted to turn it into a toilet in her bathroom, which would have been almost as good as being in my bathroom (her husband could have done the plumbing free; it would have cost me a fortune I didn’t have) since our tiny bathrooms both had the exact same hideous white, grey, and maroon tile (in the exact same pattern, even). But, we chickened out, and in a couple days the toilet disappeared. We could have had a joint pink toilet!! Neither of us ever forgot what might have been.

    Anyway, I’m happy to hear you met a Toilet Enthusiast and have your pink one on order. So exciting!

  4. David Duff says:

    Actually, I forgot one key element – did you follow my advice and rid yourself of those ghastly green tiles? I will put up with the pink loos but those green tiles must go!

  5. drollgirl says:

    Ok the toilet talk made me laugh. A pink toilet?! Photos are a must!

    We recently had a rather unfortunate plumbing issue at work, and I learned it was not proper etiquette to refer to the maintenance many as TOILET BOY.

    As far as couches go, I live alone, so I make all of the furniture placement decisions — but then again the space limitations pretty much dictate what goes where. But the couch thing is a nightmare. It was faster and easier for me to BUY A CAR than to commit to a new couch. I have spent YEARS trying to find the right couch (meaning: one that is not hideous, cat proof, and affordable). YEARS. Only to buy it and have a cat leap on it and puncture it in multiple places on DAY ONE. Sigh.

    I am glad you have someone to talk to about death. Hooray for nieces! I have no wise words about death — but as I get older I obsess on what form it might take for me. Will it be cancer? Car accident? Heart disease? Alzheimer’s? The choices all pretty much suck. It’s like waiting for the Christmas gift that you never ever want to open.

  6. Julia says:

    I have been reading your blog for years and I don’t think I’ve ever commented before (maybe once?), but I just wanted to say I enjoy reading your blog. So thanks for that.

  7. ali says:

    The only laugh choked out of me today so far… “I felt wonderful, more informed about toilets that an actual toilet girl!”

    Your pink toilet spiel actually sparks in me the desire to purchase a pink toilet. Even though I am very, very broke (and even broker after erratically spending $50 on a Triumph motorcycle company t-shirt with a tiger on it this morning).

    I am very envious of your sunny day. Seattle hasn’t seen much sunlight this past month.

    I think maybe they should change the saying to, “Nothing is certain but Death and Toilets” – pink toilets are for dreamers.

  8. ali says:

    By the way – received your care package! Thank you very much. Will take pictures soon. I haven’t had an occasion to wear the green skirt yet! I missed my Halloween opportunity to dress as a mermaid!

  9. Kellie says:

    I am so happy at the thoughts of your pink toilet. I cant even tell you! And i do understand the idea of flinging ones self off a mountain, or out the plane door. Especially during turbulence.
    But we all have to hang in there together.
    On pink thrones.

  10. lisamareedom says:

    Music, Music is the most important thing to decide on. Choosing 3 songs to go with the service almost destroyed us again, after our sister died “suddenly” 2 years ago.

    For the record I want only one song played at my memorial for when my body is donated to science: “Run DMC vs Jason Nevins – It’s like that”

  11. Beannie says:

    How about sky dividing or bungee jumping instead of the nearby street drop? Same mortality challenging thrill but better prospects of being able to enjoy new pink loo after.

  12. Mo in KCMO says:

    godammit, Sis. Only you can write successfully about death and pink toilets in the same post. I’m recommending a book by LA mortician Caitlin Doughty: “Smoke Gets in Your Eyes & Other Lessions from the Crematory”. Great discussion about funeral practices, but not for the faint-hearted. To me, death is no boogyman. My dear dad was a mortician. Duff, my favorite AIDS client planning his funeral wanted white calla lillies and a brown tie to “match [his] eyes”. We laughed heartily when I reminded him those eyes would be closed in that casket.

  13. Mo in KCMO says:

    Lessons, not lessions.

  14. Michael West says:

    Your porch chairs are gorgeous.

    I hope you have them chained down? I’d be tempted to steal them and I don’t even have a porch ( Pedro people steal golf-clubs to kill rats…)

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