Met Gala 2019 Exegesis

Worst ever, obviously. And time to end this stupid event since there’s nowhere to go from here. Poor Anna Wintour wouldn’t know “camp” if Kim Kardashian’s butt read the dictionary definition aloud to her. The Met Gala is itself an exercise in camp. It could only improve on it’s ignorance by making next year’s theme “Classy.”

The red (actually pink) carpet was a nightmare of awfulness. Who were stupider, the celebrities who aimed for camp or the ones who ignored the theme entirely? You tell me.

My vote for biggest moron is Demi Moore, who clearly thought Fuck you, I’m elegant, I look younger than my daughters, just look at my hair extensions and facial work!

Most repulsive, Kim K, flaunting a greasy-looking distorted body and a houseboy wearing black streetwear. The other members of her family wore clown outfits appropriate to their stations in life.

Most delightful goes to Cardi B, whose tribute to Rihanna‘s yellow omelette dress looked like a gigantic cartoon of a blood cell. I loved her total commitment to the look, which included a bathing cap-like head covering. Most pitiful attempt at oneupsmanship was Nicki Minaj, who looked like a blob of pink pork laced into a pink ruffly tarp.

Lady Gaga takes the award for most needy, with Katy Perry a close second. Jared Leto wins the GO AWAY FOREVER prize with his stupid Gucci robe and severed head. Gucci designer Alessandro Michele also must go away, pleeeeeeeeeease Kering!

Emily Ratajkowski was the most Almost Naked (big surprise). Celine Dion was so close to most tragic that I hate to take it away from her. She gave it her all, including a peek at her crotch area.

But Harry Styles is my pick for Most Tragic, wearing his grandma’s sheer black negligee with a deer-in-the-headlights expression and a gratuitous dangly earring.  He probably thought he was being all Mick Jagger but instead he was Anna’s Bitch.

Meanwhile Anna herself chose a beautiful gown and feather cape, opting for straight up couture and leaving the lampshade hats to her guests. Thank you Anna, next!

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11 Responses to Met Gala 2019 Exegesis

  1. JK says:

    Up late without my reading glasses (needed a sip of water).

    That Gaga lady(?) I take it is the one splayed on the steps? Maybe not but that’s who(?) I want to ask something of; her(?) armpit – when did the fashion become dreadlocks rather than shaved?

  2. Helen says:

    This was your best one yet. I soul SANG when I read this. Agree with everything. I’ve always found the met gala phony as hell but the neediness this year was so thoroughly depressing that I pray that they’d just wrap it up forever. Somebody called it the burning man of rich celebrities… there’s something in that comparison, but at least the exhibitionists at burning man seem to enjoy it.

  3. Helen says:

    Sorry for the typos in my comment above. “I soul”… ew. Although this gives me the opportunity to give a shout out to Natasha Lyonne’s purse, the only good thing about the spectacle.

  4. Jane says:

    Oh my God-is Kim K a cartoon character? Her body seems to be deformed…She should be exhibited in a 1950’s style carnival freak show along with the bearded woman.

  5. Dj says:

    I’ve said it before..there goes the neighborhood. Went to several of the galas in the 80s, elegant, sophisticated, not a toxic dumping ground for celebrities of all stripes. Yes, some models, actors etc., but they were not making us aware of their crotches, money or non creativity. These boobs have made what was once a really great evening into every ring in The Inferno. I’m sure they’re not even aware there’s an exhibit, or used to be. I’m so tired of these same smarmy faces, their culture and trashiness. What are they saying?? Camp? Really?

  6. CK says:

    The only camp thing that happened at this event was Cher performing in the Temple of Dendur. I’m not even sure it’s possible to be camp in 2019.

  7. Ali says:

    Lady gaga and katie perry were fucking awful. Katie perry continues to out-awful herself. I can’t even look at her.

  8. Saffron says:

    At least there was Anna and Billy Porter, who seemed to have understood the brief..

  9. JD says:

    I thought that it looked like the capital from hunger games while just down the street there are homeless and people trying to figure out how to pay their absurd medical bills. Your skewering the whole thing is cathartic.

  10. Greta says:

    I disagree with you on most of these but your take is passionate and self assured which is commendable. It takes so much moxie in today’s claws out culture to be a public punching bag like this and I give them props. A better lived life to be the source of why we comment than to be the commentors.

  11. Sophie says:

    Your met gala commentary for this year is The BEST I’ve read anywhere! Absolutely spot on. Hilarious. And agree with every word. Thank you!

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