Met Gala 2015 Exegesis

Let’s start with my favorite look just to get it out of the way: Rihanna. She is a fucking goddess.

Rihanna is proving to be the best source of daring, original fashion that the pop world has ever seen. She wears the coolest under-the-radar designers and puts together the best outfits, period. With her yellow fur-trimmed cloak, she has ushered in a style I will call ‘Regal Ghetto‘.

Rihanna yellow stairs met gala

riri-met

Her outfit is the work of Chinese couture designer Guo Pei and apparently took two years to create. Rihanna didn’t care about dominating the red carpet as it was cleared to accommodate the mileage of her trailing cloak. As she said about social media recently, “Do I even give a dick about that?” And she doesn’t. Not one dick.

Let it be known that I will marry Riri if she will have me.

Next up are the naked butts. J Lo, Kim Kardashian, and Beyonce all unveiled their outsized butts, hoping to grab the spotlight. Kim was SO CLOSE to winning the ‘Most Naked’ prize until Bey showed up in a few sequins, posing her butt in every angle possible from a standing position.

beys-butt-posebey-wins-butt-award

She is pretty damn proud of that butt. I have now looked at it so much that I just want to put a thermometer in it. Mothers, do you feel me? And don’t forget, she is a feminist.

Anyway, Bey wins ‘Most Naked’ but Kim still gets ‘Biggest Bare Butt’, as if there were any other butts in her league.

kim k met 2015 huge-butt

Why, Kim??? Just stop it. We can’t, okay?

For ‘Most Egregiously Horrifying’, the prize goes to Kim’s mom, Kris.

Kris is so horrible

What the fuck! Surely this is deliberate. But how can this even happen? Where do you find such awful 80’s crap? Sea of Shoes‘s closet? Salvation Army? While we ponder the horror of Kris Jenner, why don’t we say what we’ve been thinking about her marriage. I’ll go first. She and Bruce don’t need a divorce; Bruce can be the woman and Kris can be the man! It’s such a no-brainer. Kris is halfway there, or at least as far along in her ‘journey’ and Bruce is in his.

Never mind, you can’t save every marriage, not if people won’t listen to reason. On to the ‘Most Tragic’ award, it was an easy win for Sarah Jessica Parker.

Sarah Jessica Parker tragedy

Should we feel sorry for her? I don’t know. Let’s not. She brought it on herself. On the other hand, she’s married to a man who won’t come out of the closet and she has to pay women to have babies for her. That part is kind of sad. Still, that fucking headpiece: criminal.

Winners in the ‘Simply Awfu’l category were Miley Cyrus, Solange Knowles, Anna Wintour Herself, that 50 Shades of Grey girl, Lady Gaga, and most surprising, Jennifer Lawrence. Maybe the Chris Martin thing is fucking up J Law’s game.

Two gorgeous Chinese actresses who put almost everyone else to shame were barely mentioned, so let’s give them their due. Gong Li is always stunning and her appearance at the Met was right on point. I could watch her movies forever, just to admire her face.

gong li fabulous

Fan Bingbing is an international red-carpet favorite who always brings it. Always. Last night she was pure ‘Ooooooooooh.’

Fan Bing Bing 2015

Finally, my choice for most annoying is Amal Clooney. She is always looking around for a camera. Her bony arm must make Angelina furious. And I’m disgusted that George had to buy a castle in England to pay off his beard uppity starving wife. Just take them away.

Amal looking for camera met gala

Okay, over to you. What did I forget?

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17 Responses to Met Gala 2015 Exegesis

  1. Andrea says:

    This was priceless! Thank you!

  2. Gretchen says:

    To me, the photo of Solange looked like she was only standing in front of a flat dress cut out. It was very odd.

  3. Dj says:

    Thank you sister…having been to several of these met galas waaaaaay back in the 80s all I can say is wtf and r.i.p. …riri would not have been allowed into the hall in that get up if only because with all the people there would be no room! It would have been a fire hazard. They would have to cut off that hideous train! what a shame, all the tramps, hos and celebrity leaches sliming up those grand steps to the Temple of Dendur…are they on acid? Are they not embarrassed (never mind the bare asses)… I’d rather be on Staten Island with the Mob wives

    What’s the saying, more ass than class?

  4. Bessie the Cow says:

    Oh, I’ve seen that movie. It was called the Hunger Games. The wealthy dressed up and regaled, while the poor were fighting for their lives. How droll to imitate a mediocre flick, and especially one that has better wardrobe than the participants above.

  5. Suspended says:

    Riri’s eyebrows by Sharpie, hair by The Jetsons.

  6. Madam restora says:

    I’m not too sure who is the most obviously desperate for attention? All tragedy and no style. George Clooney’s wife looked like she was wearing a blood clot and Sarah Jessica Parker looked as though she felt as ridiculous as she looked. To all the bare bums…. Save a little something girls ….. Preserve some mystique. And dignity.

  7. Bevitron says:

    The fashion is beyond me, but I did spend some time wondering how excruciating Beyonce’s curtain of jewels – especially the humongous pink stone right over the tailbone – might be to sit in, if in fact it was a sitable outfit. Maybe she walked there.

    Clooney’s wife appears to have a pair of tiny feet clad in dirty white shoes protruding from her right hip…perhaps an undeveloped, parasitic twin that consumes all the calories?

    I wonder, has the Kardashian woman ever appeared in assless chaps? She should just get it over with.

    SJ Parker’s headdress has to be from Zefferelli’s 1987 production of Turandot.

    Love the yellow cape – I’m all for clothes that force people to get out of your way.

  8. Sister Wolf says:

    Bevitron – Hahahahahahahahaahaha! You should’ve written the exegesis!

  9. Bevitron says:

    Sister Wolf, only you can clarify this shit. I wouldn’t even know who the hell half of these individuals are without you! xoxo

  10. Sandra says:

    not sure I understand what is ghetto about Rihanna’s look

  11. Tara Tanner says:

    I am with you. This woman is not annoying. Also, she looks like a ‘run of the mill’ middle eastern girl…nothing special.BTW: I think Clooney has political ambitions which is why he married her.

  12. Tara Tanner says:

    APPEND:
    I am with you. This woman is annoying. Also, she looks like a ‘run of the mill’ middle eastern girl…nothing special.BTW: I think Clooney has political ambitions which is why he married her.

  13. Debbie says:

    Beyoncé, Kim and J.Lo … why didn’t they just go naked? All three looked like Vegas showgirls. All that was missing were the headdresses. UGH.

  14. ali says:

    Was in Hawaii for MET Gala coverage. Fortunately, I follow Rihanna on instagram. I got the entire show in one photograph!

  15. SalisburySteakSweater says:

    “No Beyonce. Your tampon string is NOT showing. Now shut yer pooper.”
    When I look at Amal I see the physical embodiment of Angelina Jolie’s deepest insecurities and this gives me strength to fold one more load of laundry.

  16. ali says:

    whoa! I just saw that FKA Twigs wore my favorite christopher kane a/w 2015 dress!! I wrote about that specific dress TWO MONTHS ago!!!

  17. Stephanie says:

    How about “Ghetto Royale”
    as the style tag?
    xo

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